Watched Chronicles of Narnia 3.
There was a wonderful quote,

"We have nothing if not belief."

http://teasips.blogspot.com/2010/09/to-live-you-must-believe_08.html

Awesome things in life we might have forgotten

Click here to remember

Yukio Shige, a 65-year-old former policeman, has spent his retirement on a mission to stop those who go to the cliffs of Tojimbo from jumping.
Read story here

This is so INSPIRATIONAL.
Taken from http://www.mrbrown.com/blog/2010/12/jerry-shows-us-what-grit-and-spirit-is-and-he-is-4-years-old.html

****************************
4 year-old Jeremiah Liauw "Jerry" was born with spina bifida, a spinal defect which causes his lower body to be especially weak.
The Club Rainbow member's goal was to crawl his way to the finish line for the 750m Kids Dash event.

You can watch this video on Facebook.

Watching him finish what must have been a really tough 750m on his hands and knees in the hot sun was inspirational enough.

…Jerry wanted to crawl and refused to be carried when everyone was telling me to carry him coz for those of you who knows and are there, the weather was super duper hot and the ground was really radiating IMMENSE HEAT as it was approaching noon but Jerry kept diving for the ground.
If he could have it his way, he would not allow me to carry him at anytime at all. And a last note to share which may sound unbelieving to unbelievers, as I was changing Jerry yesterday, Jerry said, yes Jerry said, these are his exact words which took me aback too…
Jerry: "Actually when i saw the many people, I didn't want to crawl but God told me to crawl."
Me: "God told u to crawl?"
Jerry: "Yes. God told me to crawl."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean God told you to crawl?"
Jerry: "Yes, in my heart, I heard God's voice telling me to crawl."
Me: "Huh? you mean you heard God's voice?"
Jerry: "Yes. I heard God telling me to crawl."
Me: "Huh? What do you mean? How did you know it's God's voice?"
Jerry: "You will know it when He talks to you."
*****************************

The wonderful feeling I had in Penang is fading.
I'm very afraid that I'd soon forget what I had told myself.
I think very soon, I'd be the same old dark self again.

Was it the good feng shui?
How come I could THINK so clearly then?
I could remember who and what I am.


I wrote of something similar here

I've read this joke before yet, when I read it again today it was just as funny.

"A neurotic builds air castles, the psychotic lives in them, and the psychiatrist collects the rent."

**taken at sister's unit in Penang, morning**

I've always had anxiety problems, even as a little kid.
I remember that when I was here holidaying as a kid, I was always overly anxious about the day we had to go back to PJ.
I kept counting the days.

Of course, when the day came, my eyes will be teary.
I'd be very depressed for at least one week back home.
I clearly remember this scene where my aunt called us from Penang to ask how I was doing. When mother reported back that I'm like a sick kitten, my aunt said,
"Ah, yeah lar.. that girl has always been very emotionally fragile"

As an adult here in Penang now, I kept making comparisons of myself during my several previous stays, ranging from a kid to a teen.
Many past incidents were revived in my head.
Many of which had highlighted my character flaw, some more obvious indications than others.
Perhaps the peace that I enjoy here or I'm maturing (?);I'm beginning to feel somewhat more willing to take responsibility for the things that had gone wrong for me.

For the past few days here, my 'blame game' seemed to have dropped a few notches.
I feel ashamed.
Suddenly I feel a phrase from a movie about troubled teenagers, slapped unto my face.
The teacher in the movie yelled at the student,
"It's time you start taking responsibilities for yourself! No one questioned how difficult you had it, but we can't change that no more! But we can change what's coming!"- imagine this spoken with the African-American slang.

Backdated Post.
I was in 1 Utama, Petaling Jaya on 27th November and coincidentally famous TVB HongKong actress Bernice Liu Bik-Yee was there to promote a brand she endorsed.

I was so starstrucked!
She's so much prettier and slimmer in person!

I woke up very early this morning. Looking out at a beautiful morning Penang view.
Got so much thoughts in my head.

Read

Try to Remember Lyrics

here.

I'm here in Penang.
This place gives me so much peace and joy.
This is why.
click here for story one
click here for story two
click here for story three
click here for story four


This should have been my home

Yes, life will never stop surprising us. 

Just 10 minutes ago, I received a piece of very good advice from the most unlikely person. 

To be honest, I hated him. 

Moments ago, a student was disrespectfully confrontational towards me. She was accusing the library management to be incompetent. 

Her complaint didn't tally with her records shown on the computer system. Therefore, I tried to explain to her politely that she has gotten her facts wrong. 

But she stubbornly refused to even consider that possibility. "Why do I have to bear the consequences of your faulty system?!" 

I kept clicking the screen back and forth, showing her this book, that book, this date, that fine charges..etc.. She couldn't really understand the screen as she wasn't really paying attention. 

She just wanted to be right. After several more unreasonable accusations, she left. I was fuming with anger. 

He was seated just beside me and saw that I was very affected. 

But he didn’t say anything. Minutes later, I couldn’t keep my emotions inside my any longer. “I need special training to deal with this sort of things” 

“You need to learn not to be afraid. That student sensed that you were unsure of yourself and attacked you even more. Try looking at the student hard in the eye the next time.” He was right. 

I didn’t maintain an eye contact with her. 

Yes, I had allowed myself to be ‘attacked’. 

My necessary shield has always been absent, causing myself much distress. 

We all need our ‘shields’ for survival.

the WHAT IF-s

We ask ourselves this question all the time.
We all constantly wish that we could turn back time and change the present.

Two nights ago, I watched this Hong Kong movie, [Written By], and felt that the author must have been very depressively suicidal.
The story kept recounting the different versions of the past and present.
Obviously the author is very curious how life could have been IF things were different.
'Normal' people would find this movie very ridiculous as it's quite pointless, and don't possess the faintest entertainment value.
But being who I am, I do get it.
Nevertheless, I don't recommend this movie to anyone.
Depressed or not.
A bad movie is a bad movie.

Yesterday, I watched a much happier movie,, RAPUNZEL
And I was very taken by the Healing Incantation

Flower, Gleam and Glow
Let your power shine
Make the clock reverse, bring back what once was mine
Heal what has been hurt, change the fates design
Save what has been lost, bring back what once was mine
What once was mine...


I still ask myself, "WHAT IF I HAD BEEN 'NORMAL'?"

woo hoo! my birthday!

I find this picture very inspiring.
This picture reminds me that happiness can be found under any circumstances.
Even the simplest thing can be very blissful.

taken from Reader's Digest Sept 2007

a group of beggars take a break from business to enjoy tea together just outside the Shrine of Shah Amanat in Chittagong, Bangladesh, where a large percentage of people live in poverty.
"Begging as a group is particularly common," says Jashim Salam, who took the photograph. "They beg especially in front of shrines, marketplaces, and also at festivals and religious ceremonies." Salam says that although the beggars may be poor, he finds it heartening to see smiles on their faces as they go about their day.

There's this one student who always appear rather strange to me.
Each time she asks me a question, she has this zombie-like look on her face.
I find her to be quite 'lost' as her enquiries were never clear to me.

Today, I urged myself to strike a conversation with her.
"Are you okay? You looked rather stressed"

She gave a very lovely smile and answered,
"Do I? No, I'm ok."

I'm so glad I made that initiative.
She will no longer be known as the 'zombie girl' in my head.
She's now the 'lovely smile' girl.

Dear Thelma

Dear Thelma is a column in a local weekly where the readers can write in their personal problems and the columnist will try her( we presume it's HER) hardest to advise.

The author has different background from me but I feel strangely connected to this part,
"But my past still haunts me today and in my head I keep seeing a little girl screaming and crying."
"I feel like I’m walking in a dark lane, which is getting smaller. It’s so miserable being lonely"

to read more, click here

It was appraisal day.
While using the guide from HR dept, The Boss asked me
"Have you effectively utilised the resources available to you for better work productivity?"
I nodded.
He ticked the column on the paper.

In my mind,
"Yes. Everyday I make myself a cup of coffee, where the powder,creamer and sugar are provided by the company"

Thank God I don't think aloud.

=)

Hello artist,
You make the unknown seem familiar,
You look through me clearer than a mirror,

Your work speaks to me so tender,
That I’d stop all haste and relax to slumber,

You remind me that I’m not alone,
And I should once again trust the unknown,

Forgive and allow myself to be forgiven,
The surest way to feel the peace of heaven,

You sculptured beauty in suffering and pain,
Challenging me to hope once again,

You assure me that the world is much bigger,
And my existence is a mere brief linger

Thank you, Oh artist,
You may be a complete stranger,
But you are my perfect teacher.

I have serious insecurity issues. I question myself all the time. I ask myself these questions much too often.
"Why did I do/say that?" "Why can't I be more normal?" "Why can't I just blend in?" "Why can't I just relax?"

I feel more compared to the little that I know,
Isn't that plain ignorance, that I have nothing to show?

More often I'm in the dark that I'm in the light,
Though I've worked hard to be on the other side.

I understand sorrow better than I understand bliss,
Not by choice, but was sealed with fate's cruel kiss.

Tell me, oh divine TRUTH,
which part of me belongs to YOU?
What is left of me after my last hour is due?

I lost my faithful Oxford's Advanced Learner's Dictionary two years ago, and it's only until recently that I got a replacement.

I was reading HOW STARBUCKS SAVED MY LIFE by Michael Gates Gill and needed to check on a word.
Only then I came to realised that it has been ages since I've checked on a dictionary.

It occured to me that the last time I did such a thing was back when I was still considered 'normal', before I was branded an outcast.

So, now I'm thinking.
Am I making progress?

I wrote this 3 months ago as assigned by my counselor. She asked me to write down what would be the reason to live.


*************
I think finding the reason to live is just like finding the right time to write this essay. I have been thinking, pondering, dwelling on this simple question ever since it was put unto me. I've given it much thought, but still have not the faintest clue on what to write. I knew,that if I continue to wait for the 'magic' moment to arrive, this essay will never be written.

Therefore, I suppose it's also like finding the meaning of life. If I wait for the answer to arrive, I will never be able to live a fulfilling, UNdepressive life. I can't demand for the answer. Even if there is such an answer, I don't think my mind and my heart will agree on it. My mind would demand logic and my heart would demand compassion.

Life, just like this essay, requires me to first make the effort to write it out and then perhaps I might be deserving to have a little peek at the divine answer.
Life requires me to live it, not question it. I may conclude life at my own terms, at my own understanding but, I still have to make much room for self-editing.

Life is too big and much too old for me to understand.

*************

Later, my counselor requested me to expand it.
And this is what I wrote.


##############


16-10-10
In my last essay, I equated how I felt about the title with my attempt on writing the essay itself. Although I had sidetracked from the title, I did express vague hope for what that might still be in store for me.
This assignment has given me unexpected outcomes. Firstly, I never expected compliments. Upon reading the last word of my essay to my counselor, I looked up to expect a blank look from her. I had thought that I might need to explain myself as I didn't know how to approach the essay at the first place. Instead, she complimented me. "Don't bury your writing talent."
Her approval prompted me to show my essay to a good friend M. She too complimented me, "I wish I wrote this." She even reread it because according to her, good phrases are deserving so.
I sat there in front of her, as she was reading, "Is my essay that good?Why am I not seeing it?" When I first attempted to write this essay, I had no clue on what to write and was doubtful of its purpose. Though I still can't see if my essay was good but I am definitely pleased that I have written it.
Life, again like this essay, may take many unexpected turns. I had anticipated criticisms for the essay but I received positive response instead.
My life, like this essay might be just as good if I take a different perspective.
Perhaps one day, I can learn to appreciate my essay.
Perhaps one day, I can learn to appreciate my life, and myself.

I had a very fruitful tele-conversation with a friend last night.
She admitted to me that she no longer wants to waste time doing UNproductive activities.
"I want more in life, I've wasted too much time already."
I've heard many inspiring quotes before, but for some reason I can't fathom, I was particularly taken by her statement.

Methaphor=
I know what a strawberry ice-cream is.
I've seen it, tried it and it's advertised all over.
But when I heard my friend say, "I want some strawberry ice-cream!"
For some reason, I want it too!
It's not about the ice-cream.
Not even about getting the ice-cream.
It's about having the appetite for the ice-cream - alas!

Only people who had trouble eating would understand what joy it is to finally have found an appetite.
Even Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love mentioned about finding her appetite in life.

Bitching Therapy

Yesterday, I was very disturbed by a horrible co-worker.
He made me feel bad the entire day.
This feeling persisted till this morning.
I tried to rationalised myself out of it.
Telling myself that I should be above all that nonsense, and that I shouldn't let that petty person influence me.

It didn't work.
I was still upset.

Finally,this afternoon I bitched about it to another colleague.
Now, I feel much better.
When all those motivational lessons don't work, we just gotta use our instinct to solve our emotional problems.
Yup, bitching sometimes is the solution.

When I typed the earlier title,My Big Clothes, My Good friends, I had another type of post in mind.
I wanted to say that my big clothes are like my good faithful, non-judgemental and always comforting friends.
Especially now that I'm under a different circumstances, they're still by my side, not like my other usual wear which turned away from me because we're no longer in the same league.
Everytime I put on a big piece of clothing that fits, I can feel the clothes comforting me, , "There, there, we're here for you."

Although my self-esteem occasionally do get affected, but I'm not bitter that I can't wear the pretty,body flattering clothes anymore.
I've come to learn that it's just clothes.
If it doesn't fit, then get another one.
I'm not defined by the clothes I'm wearing.
I'm more than that.
I think it's maturity, not bitterness.

That's right.
I'm not talking about clothes anymore.

my big clothes, my good friends

**This is a shirt I almost bought.Really liked the pattern but not suitable for formal wear>**

Psychiatric drugs make you fat.
That's a fact.
Since 2008, I've gained a stubborn weight of 10kg (at least!)
95% of my clothes don't fit me anymore.
For a lady in this 'skinny is pretty' era, that's an adjustment quite difficult to swallow.
Even most male patients STOP taking the medications due to the weight gaining side effects.
But like many other areas in my life, I have accepted it as part of me that can't be changed.

Now, I take great joy in purchasing XL clothes, as they are hard to find!
Oh, the joy of finding one that fits my budget, fashion and size!
It's very fulfilling. ^_^
And I'm glad that I feel this way because it shows that I have began to be comfortable with my new size.

Today I wore a new XL pastel T-shirt to work.
I liked the color very much as it's very feminine.
As usual, Mother had to give me my daily criticisms .
"Fat people like you shouldn't wear shirts like this"
Mother always had to remind me that I'm fat as often as mother's asking if their little kids have done their homework.
Apparently she's afraid that I might forget.
After a series of counselling, I finally learnt that I can 'shield' her hurting comments. So I ignored her and left for work.

When I reached the college, I still felt good. Not so much about the shirt anymore, but because I wasn't affected by that piece of criticism.

Michael Buble's FEELING GOOD, was playing in head.

This heart-rending story and photo is taken from http://www.zonaeuropa.com/20080424_1.htm
##Each morning, the grandpas and the grandmas showed up at dawn to queue up for copies of the free newspapers. Sometimes, they beg passer-by's to procure copies for them. On the day before yesterday, our reporter went to several distribution points to check. Out of ten copies, three would fall into the hands of this army of newspaper collectors.
According to one grandma, "Some free newspapers can be had without entering the MTR system. Sometimes, there are no workers watching the newspapers and I can take as many as I want." Many of these grandpas and grandmas took a copy, and then went to the end of the queue to line up again for another copy. They did so repeatedly until all the newspapers have been distributed.

Meanwhile, at the Olympic MTR station, another group of grandpas and grandmas were imploring passengers to bring the free newspapers to them. "Brother, can you help by bringing me some free newspapers from over there?" Whenever a passenger was about to come out, the grandpas and grandmas would beseech him. Most passengers are sympathetic to these old folks, and they turn around and fetch copies of the free newspapers on the stand inside the station.

The grandpas and grandmas will also check the public housing estates and private malls to look for undistributed free newspapers. They even take the free English-language newspapers there. Anyway, they are not going to pass on any opportunity to seize free newspapers.

Over two days of observation at Olympic Station, the reporter saw that the grandma named Ah Mui was the hardest working among all the grandpas and grandmas present. She stood in line to wait for the free newspapers, she begged passengers to bring her copies and she even checked the garbage bins for free newspapers. Since she does not have the physical strength to carry the load, she uses a pushcart. By working non-stop, she gets the biggest number of free newspapers.

At 830am, most of the free newspapers have been distributed. At the recycling center, the worker weighed her load and found that it weighted more than 20 kilograms. At HKD 0.13 per kilogram, Ah Mui earned more than HKD 20 on this day (at an hourly wage of HKD 10). She smiled and said: "I don't make a lot of money. I worked hard and I only got twenty something dollars. It is enough for a breakfast meal. I'll treat this like a birthday present."
##

If I were to be Hollywood-ise

Many times when I was asked to describe how I felt back in the dark times, I struggled with words.
The words DEPRESSED, ANXIOUS, WORRIED,INSOMNIAC, NAUSEAUS, SUICIDAL hardly came close to the horror I felt in the year of 2004/5.

Of course I did try to make myself better, but no motivational tactics were effective.
Knowing what I know now, I wished I had taken more extreme measures.
I should have seeked counselling and medical help earlier.

Then again, there are no 'IFs' in history.

Winston Churchill described his struggle like a black dog constantly following him.
The movie A BEAUTIFUL MIND had illustrate John Nash's struggles by using 3 'living people' who constantly follows him.
In my case, if I can describe my dark experience ala Hollywood style, the person who followed me is somewhat like below.

**for illustration only. No demonic connotation intended**

What followed me definitely was no black puppy.
Look at this picture and you'd understand better that advice like, " Try to be more positive" is no help whatsoever.

Now, it's a light shadow that is constantly behind me.

Excerpts and photos from http://raddblog.wordpress.com/2009/12/05/phone-box-library-westbury-sub-mendip-somerset-england/



A traditional red phone box has been recycled into one of the country’s smallest lending libraries – stocking 100 books.
Villagers from Westbury-sub-Mendip in Somerset can use the library around the clock, selecting books, DVDs and CDs.
Users simply stock it with a book they have read, swapping it for one they have not.
“It’s really taken off. The books are constantly changing,” said parish councillor Bob Dolby.
He added: “It is completely full at the moment with books. Anyone is free to come and take a book and leave one that you have already read.
“This facility has turned a piece of street furniture into a community service in constant use.”
A resident dreamed up the idea when the village lost its phone box and mobile library in quick succession.
Westbury-sub-Mendip Parish Council bought the phone box from BT in a national scheme for a token £1.
BT has received 770 applications for communities to ‘adopt a kiosk’, and so far 350 boxes have been handed over to parish councils.
Phone boxes have been turned into art installations, a shower and even a public toilet.

I visited my friend at the same hospital again.
Each time I walked into the ward, I get the feeling as if the rollercoaster ride is about to take off.
I was excited - because I'm about to see my friend.
I was scared - because this is the key reminder of my darkest monsters.

My friend had a lot of company around her bed, both visitors and newly made ones from the ward.
We all talked, shared food and enjoyed each other's conversation.
Just when I thought 'maybe it's not that dark afterall,' a new patient was wheeled in.

She came in unwillingly, with her hands bound to the bed.
She was crying, and cursing everyone.
She felt that everyone was ganging up against her.
Afterall, how many of us are comfortable being put into the psychiatric ward?
In future, when we have to fill up application forms, how do we answer to the question,
"Have you been hospitalised? If yes, for what reason?"
This experience is a permanent scar.

Many of us around my friend's bed was reminded of their similar experience.
Everyone had different medical backgrounds and experience but we agreed how hard it was to accept.
We all knew that none of us can say or do anything to help that poor lady feel better.
She has to learn to cope it herself.
We were all certain of this.

I'm a very sentimental person.
Whenever I come across old things, I will take notice of the date and imagine that specific period of time.
I will ask myself, "What was I doing then?"

The nostalgic feeling is even stronger when I come across with my own old writings.
It's very personal.
The moment I see my style of handwriting, I would be able to decipher, in a heartbeat, my emotional state at that time it was written.

Not that neat handwriting means good.
Nor messy handwriting means bad.

It was the way I had slanted my words, how I curled my 'Y's and 'G's, how much gap I had left in between my words, how big I had circled my'A's and 'O's and how hard I had pressed my words.
My handwritings had scripted my mood very accurately during the time it was written, as clear as crystal.
They expressed my feelings better than any words I could have used.
That's why it's important for me to WRITE my journals the good old fashioned way.
=)

I've always admired diplomatic people.
They always know
-what to say,
-how to say it,
-who to say it to,
-when to say it
without much effort yet can cause impact to the situation.
Such influence!

My colleague and I made a mistake of eating at the most inappropriate place.
We had mistaken that it'd be alright because it's lunch time.
In retrospect, I'm now shaking my head wondering how could we be so foolish.

The Head of Department was appalled to see us but didn't show the slightest bit of anger. He had to position to tell us off but didn't, instead he said,
"We have a very nice pantry just inside. Come, let me take you."
He did and continued, "Here, you can make coffee and tea, much more comfortable compared to where you were sitting."
I was so embarrassed! I'm still smacking myself for being so thoughtless!
But the Head was so cheerful, smiling at every word.
It didn't even feel like a reprimand though I darn well deserved it.

W-O-W
Talk about having diplomacy skills......

excerpts from http://stage-v2.wtopnews.com

Alwan is among a growing number of young Iraqis who have turned to competitive sports to learn to live with the physical scars and emotional trauma of the 2003 U.S.-led invasion and sectarian bloodshed it unleashed. It's not easy in a country still suffering from daily violence, and limited help for handicapped people. Alwan and others like her are determined to persevere.

I'm rereading this word again and again.
DETERMINED TO PERSEVERE

Ever since I saw this poster at the cake shop opposite my workplace, I've planted a glutton ambition to utilise this promotion during my break at 4pm.
After 2 months, that glutton ambition became impatient and I went in yesterday.

The environment is very comfortable compared to the other hot stuffy eateries that I usually go.

(1) I sat.
(2) I sipped the coffee.
(3) I nibbled a bit of the cake.
(4) I looked outside.
(5) I scanned through the magazines.
(6) I eavesdropped on the gossiping young students next table .
(7)-I repeated steps (2) till (6) until it was time to go back to work.

On the scale of 10, I give this activity 6 points =)

Kudos to counsellor who recommended me to intentionally include enjoyable activities in my daily/weekly/monthly life

I know a blogger who went through the darkness almost similar to mine.
Therefore, I truly can understand why he created a whole new blog.
He explained, "Most of my writing back then was when I was going through a bad patch in my life, I've moved on from that patch."

I choose to keep this blog even though there are many many entries written when I wasn't well. Many of them don't reflect who I truly am.
Chills are sent down my spine each time I reread them.

Yet, I'm choosing to keep them to remind myself that a relapse of that bad patch is highly possible.
The medical statistics have proven that the odds are against me.

I need to be very alert of that dark shadow that will be with me all my life.
Very dark indeed.

I watched the movie Eat Pray Lovealone over the weekend.

Despite the bad reviews, stating that it's a very self-absorbed narrative movie, I enthusiastically went for it anyway.
I was not disappointed.

There were many phrases which I can relate to.
As I was saying to my friend, "Perhaps only abnormal people like us can understand her despair. Normal people would just find it pathetic and just about ME ME ME".

Just as these words escaped me, I wondered.
Is there even such a thing as a normal person?
Or did we just confused that word with a successfully conformed person?

I have just bid farewell to my foreigner co-worker who is going to London for greener pastures.
I really admire his courage to take such a big step, leaving his comfort zone.
For the past few weeks, I felt his anxiety as he was facing a lot of problems with the visa application.
But he persevered and was not at all deterred with the paperwork obstacles nor the financial difficulties that he will face for the next 3 years.
He is absolutely certain of his choice of path.

Tonight, as I shook his wife's hand, she said;"We have to live by faith sometimes."

I wish I had some of that kind of faith. Afterall, my mind can't make sense out of life most of the time anyway. =/

10 Reasons You Are Rich

(taken from http://www.marcandangel.com/2008/11/03)

-You didn’t go to sleep hungry last night.

-You didn’t go to sleep outside.

-You had a choice of what clothes to wear this morning.

-You hardly broke a sweat today.

-You didn’t spend a minute in fear.

-You have access to clean drinking water.

-You have access to medical care.

-You have access to the Internet.

-You can read.

-You have the right to vote.


Wealth is the ability to fully experience life.
- Henry David Thoreau

Malaysian inmate Jasotha Thureisingam dancing in a circus, inspired by Cirque du Soleil, as her fellow inmates look on at the Santa Monica Prison for women in Lima, Peru.

photo by oneclick.indiatimes.com

This picture was featured in the local daily.
I was very captivated by this picture and the story behind it.
I tell myself, this is really something worth taking example of.

Despite the sorrow and hopelessness that surround them, they still manage to somehow find the strength and reasons to celebrate.

Part Two.

My friend’s condition wasn’t as bad as I had feared.
We chatted and laughed.
We even made effort to chat with other patients, though they were futile attempts as most of them weren’t lucid.
As I stayed on with her, I began to share my own experience at the ward with her.
I’m glad I did, because I thought I had forgotten most of it.
I was surprised that I could remember so many colourful characters whom I got to know in that ward. Despite the circumstances, I did have some good memories there.

Unlike the present situation, I remember the place to be very lively, especially the common area where the male and female patients interacted.
We had cardgames, boardgames, and people chatting non-stop!
I remember sharing a lot of laughter there

During my 3 hours visit, I related at least 10 patients’ stories to my friend.
I candidly told her about their brief background stories or the stories about my encounter with them.
It wasn’t dark at all, but entertaining.

Or perhaps I dare describe the stories as entertaining, knowing that it’s all in the past now.

When I heard that one of my friends from the support group was admitted to the hospital, I had the immediate intention of visiting her. However, I did get a bit nervous as it was the same hospital that I was in five years ago.
Even as I entered the parking area, I felt all the bad memories gushing to my head.
I began to recall the anxiety and emotional turmoil which I had during my last few visits.
My mind must have been quite a mess back then because I can’t recall how to get to the ward. My confused face was rather conspicuous that a doctor even stopped his stride and asked me where I wanted to go.

I hesitated and stammered, “Psychiatry”
As I was reaching the ward, the nerves got even more agitated as nothing looked familiar at all.
Indeed, I was very ill back then.
I found my friend and I was very much relieved.
Then, good memories began to pour in.


-end of part one

Today, I chatted with my colleague about our bad parking experiences.
When I first started driving, I always thought that the car nearest to the available parking space is the one rightful to it.
However, these days, that rule is no longer observed in busy car park areas.
The rule now simply is, 'Who can squeeze into the space first'.
And if you're not happy with it, you'd have to confront your opposing driver.
With that sort of driver who doesn't observe the former rule, you can expect an unpleasant confrontation.
Therefore, most of us would just curse our bad luck and drive away.
Thus, the new rule is enforced.
--Car parks prioritises the road bullies--

But this one incident really caused me to type this blog entry.
My car was blocked by a double-parked car.
The car didn't leave his immediate contact number on the dashboard and had left me waiting at my car for 40mins despite numerous horn blasting attempts.
I was very relieved when the owner of the car next to me came to take something from her car.
With great joy and hope, I asked if she could just move her car just momentarily to give way for me.

Her answer shocked me.
"What if I lose this parking space?"
I explained that she can reverse her car towards to traffic flow, which will guarantee her parking space from being taken away.
She gave it a 5 seconds thought.
"Er, no lar. You just wait for a few minutes lar. Office hours ends in a few minutes, that driver will come soon."
She left me dumbfounded.

I could have been more persuasive, but I was too shocked that a person can be that selfish.
Office hours ends in MORE than an hour's time!
I was too shocked to say anything to her and just watched her walk away in hurry.
The double-parked driver came after an hour's time waiting, but it was that lady who perturbed me more.
I kept trying to play in my head.
Am I overreacting for being offended?
Perhaps it is the norm practice these days?
Sigh....
What is civilisation when courtesy is no longer observed?

You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him. ~James D. Miles

I'm a very sensitive person.
Although I wish I could "de-sensitise" myself a few notch lower, it seems to be a stubborn nature leech to my senses.

Therefore, whenever shit happens, eg -dealing with rude, unreasonable, self-centred people; I get very affected.

But I still do try to rationalise the situation to myself in order to be a 'better' person. Perhaps my EQ can still be nurtured?

I'm now trying to refrain myself from repeating the incidents to my colleagues, or friends. Whenever I do, I have to reenact the whole scene for their better understanding. Me, being a natural dramatist,would role play the 'villain'.
Usually, I can reenact out the role well because I was very angry,annoyed and felt that I was unfairly treated.
I would repeat every absurd word they said, every rude facial expression, and even highlight their enunciation of their abusive words.
It is at this point where I'd feel I have sinked to their level.

I have allowed the 'negativity' to further flourish, giving more attention than it deserved.
Thus, I'm going to learn to ....LET IT GO...BE THE BIGGER PERSON

My friend was confiding in me.
Her issue was quite a difficult one to solve.
I could only offer a listening ear.

After awhile of awkward silence,
I said, "Wow, if Yasmin Ahmad* were to be alive, she just might turn your story into a film".
We both laughed.

##############################
*famous Malaysian director

A very special friend (I use the word special because we met at the most unusual circumstances) commented that my blog template looks too depressing.

Given the fact that he actually 'reads' my blog makes his comments substantial weight of influence.

Plus, I'm giving all the therapeutic suggestions a try, so I'm going to give all colors a go.

Afterall, there's no such thing as wrong colors in life.

I watched ECHOES OF THE RAINBOW - cantonese movie last night.
Sandra Ng's motherly character kept saying, "Chou Yan, Chong Yu Sun"

"TO LIVE, YOU MUST BELIEVE".
During the darkest hour, she held on to this belief to fight off the despair that was mounting on her family.

Tragedy after another, she still kept repeating the quote like a mantra.

There was simply no other belief she could choose.

I've always thought that it's my own fault that I'm 'friend-less'.
I had believed that I deserved to be left alone as I was 'inconvenient' to many people around me.

Then, I read this quote from "SHOOT THE DAMN DOG" by Sally Brampton.
###########
Yet,after I left the psychiatric unit, he was bewildered to be met by tears and anger at his absence. 'But I thought that was what I was supposed to do,'he said, himself in tears.'I thought I was supposed to leave you alone.'
Why? In which other illness are we supposed to leave people alone?
This is an aside, I know, but it may be important for anyone who does not know what to do when a friend or loved one is in a mental hospital. Go and visit them, unless they are too ill to see people or have expressly said that they don't want visitors. The nursing staff will tell you if that is the case. Send them something, whether it is love, flowers or a card. Let them know that you care, and that they matter. Don't wait to be asked. The depressive is in no state to make that sort of demand. They scarcely know their own mind.###########

Last night was a good night. Students left early, we closed the library on the dot.
We were 2 minutes early to clock out. So, my colleague and I had to wait, as you can see, the machine is at the right side of the photo and my colleague was reading the poster at the left.



While waiting for the seconds to pass, I just click this into my cheap old mobile phone. This is the view of the exit near the machine.Ah.. good night indeed.
Learning to appreciate the little things in life.

Most of the students I deal with on daily basis give me a very poor impression of the general standard of integrity they possess.
But today at the counter, I was delightfully surprised.
After I have cleared the young man's borrowed books into the RETURN category,
he offered to put the books back to its specific place in the shelve.
In my 4 weeks here, I've never heard of such gesture.
I took the books and was about to put in on the trolley just behind me- which is the standard practice. When the trolley is almost full, I will shelve them back.
I looked at him dumbfounded. Perhaps I heard him wrongly?
"You want to help me shelve these back?"
He nodded.
"Why? You don't have to. I'd just put them here at the trolley",I started giggling nervously.
"No,no. It's ok, it's my last visit here at the library. I'm graduating soon"
I relented as he looked very serious.

I'm feeling so good about this incident. Aww.. what a nice young man.
Suddenly, I realised I might have been fooled.
Perhaps he had damaged the book!
So, before I could even check it, he quickly put it back at the shelves, clearing himself of all accusations!!!
I'm such a fool!
I'm going to check the books now!
Just to verify my suspicions and teach myself a lesson.

*******************15 mins later*************
Ok... He's a good boy.
Wow, can you believe just how gungho I was to get unto his case?
I had to retrive the book simply by a vague memory of the book, then search its previous loans, to get his name and account!
Anyway, he's clear.
Sigh, is it just me or we just can't seem to accept that there is still goodness in life without caution and REcautioning?

Here I am, sitting at the library counter, feeling a bit bored.
Oh dear, would my brain agility deteriorate months later?
My colleagues from my former department had warned me about this.
But I was insistent.
I was and still am sure that this working environment will better suit me.

Afterall, mental stability is my foremost priority.

Elizabeth; The Golden Age by William Nicholson and Michael First.

“When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance of his nature. Some are dumb with fear. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind.”



My performance at work is so bad, that my poor overworked colleague had to take my share, adding to her already impossible burden.

Counsellor taught me the importance of 'thought replacement'.
I just hope to practise it 'soon', before the storm comes.

I'm stuck.
Very stuck.

Oh God, please make a change.
I'm so tired.
I'm so depressed.
I'm so tired of being depressed.

I received a postcard from Italy last week.
Boy, I was so happy.
Not much was written but the thought that was put into to it that counts..
thank you so much, my dear friend.
Best gift of the year!

I just typed my own Online nickname on Google.
I was very faithful to my nickname and it was traced to all the forums I've been.
So much of myself is revealed.
Worst,
How did it trace back to this blog?
I've changed it ages ago !
I'll never be able to understand computers...IT...etc...

I'm now very exposed.

Awww..come on, I didn't commit any crime.
It happened to me.
I didn't look for it.
I didn't make it happen.

It happened to me.

DESTINY

I was reading a 'FACE READING' book, written by a reknown HongKong fortune teller/fengshui master.

There was a particular type of face shape that describes the person's mental destiny.

"This is a very bad face shape. The person is destined to struggle with mental problems his/her whole life"

My heart sank.
The picture shown in the book is similar to my face shape.

I'm currently merely living out my destiny?
How much of control do I have over it?

****the traffic light I pass by everyday to work****
Father once told me how exhilarated he was when he woke up without pain in his leg.
Suddenly, he felt so blessed, so lucky.
Many people woke up without pain in their legs that same morning, but I'm sure he's the happiest one.

I have not been feeling anxious or depressed for the past weeks.
Many people wouldn't understand just how relieved I feel.

I was at a McD waiting.
A very energetic McD staff was clearing the table next to me.
He was mumbling to himself, "mesti clear cepat-cepat, mesti bersih-bersih,nanti boleh rehat" - translation "must clear quickly, must be clean, then rest"
I was very amused and smiled at him.
Till now, I don't know if he's 'special' or he's simply a very enthusiastic worker.
No matter what he is, I admire his approach to his work very much.

Afterall, how many people left in this world who are truly enthusiastic about their job?

I was severely depressed for more than a year.
A year of hopelessness and despair.
I didn't bother with many things in my life.
The white car was left unwashed for many many months.
Sometimes, my brother will help to 'clean' it time to time.
But his standard of cleanliness is far from my usual satisfactory standard.

Since last month, my new medication has helped me 'start over'.
Feeling normal and all, I began to caring about things in my life again.
Many of which includes this car.
Due to it's paint, it has accumulated a lot of stubborn stains.
Washing/polishing by hand would be hard.
So, I decided to send it to the 'specialist'.
It cost a bomb, but looking at it now, makes it worthwhile.

If only I could make the 'stains' in my life go away this easily too.

Forgiveness is Dead

The radio station was discussing on the topic of FORGIVENESS.
Many people call in, confessing just how sorry they are for not patching up with the people they cared for, till it's too late.
Usually it's death that brings forth the guilt.

I was thinking about the people whom I truly am mad at.
Honestly, I don't care if they die.
In a way, they are dead to me anyway.
It was when I stopped caring for them, that I stopped getting hurt.
Does it make me a bad person?

In the past, I cry each time I quarrel with them or when they disappoint me.
But when I stopped caring for them, the pain went away instantly.
When I tell myself that these people shouldn't matter in my life,
I started living better, more focussed, happier.

Is that bad?

Shadow of Darkness

I truly wonder if I have the spirit to continue fighting...

Sometimes I feel ok, sometimes I feel the inclination to fall.
There seems to be a shadow of darkness following me close by.
If I'm not careful, if I 'm paying not attention for just a minute, the dark shadow will overtake me, swallowing me awhole.
So, I have to continuously look over my shoulder to make sure that I always take the lead and not the darkness.

Below are entries written 2 weeks ago.
To my utmost surprise, I actually found a depression support group in my city. I've always thought these groups don't exist in Malaysia. So , there I was last week.

Again, I was surprised by the attendees. I can relate to them very much. They may come from different age group, race, economic background, yet I feel a strong connection with them.
The pain that we had to go through, that was what bonded us together.

Although we didn't get too personal, some of the things discussed were close to my heart. I did feel encouraged.

Finally, for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'less alone' in this struggle.

for the first time, in a very long time,
I felt 'that things may brighten up'

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I might just get better'.

for the first time, in a very long time,
- I felt 'I just might be OK.

Written a week ago,
I'm very grateful that I haven't had any anxieties at work yet.
In my past experience, I always have anxieties within the first few days of work.
I'm giving credit to the new medication I'm taking, SULPIRIDE.
However, I'm quite confused as why I'm taking it because I'm diagnosed BIPOLAR_BORDERLINE.

My dear readers, I honestly don't remember the last time I felt this 'normal'.
No worries, No quick heartbeats, No anxieties, No Fear.

To some people, going through an ordinary day is mundane.
But for me, ordinary means BLESSING.

Last Sunday, I drove 30 mins to have dinners with my Depression Support Group members.
It was so comforting to see familiar faces waving at me when I arrived at the restaurant.
My friend asked, "I thought you wouldn't come because you were afraid to travel".
I answered, "I decided to start making changes in my life".
She gave a very wide smile.

Sis greeted me via facebook chat.
Started with harmless 'hellos' and 'how are yous', when suddenly we stepped into a very touchy incident.
It is the same incident that we have had endless argument on.
Even both of us felt ''Oh, here we go again'' annoyance.

Yes, the tempers flared again.
And then, back to the COLD relationship again, where we simply don't communicate anymore.

The hurt and anger is very real.
But the worst part is that I had let these feelings destroyed me.
Almost.

A ComeBack

My dear friends.
I have thought long and hard over this post.
After a series of depressive droughts and self-destructive manic episodes, it has been really hard for me to face the world.
From the neighbours to my closest friends.
There were times where I couldn't even look at strangers in the eye, that's how terribly low my self esteem was and sometimes still is.

I feel very apologetic to many people. Wish I could render my barest thoughts to them just how sorry I am over my behaviour back when I wasn't 'well'.
But how do I explain 'wasn't well'?
Would they believe me?
If they do, will they still want to be friends with me?
If they don't, will they despise me more?

To those who believe me and still want to be friends,
- I feel that an apology isn't enough. I need to 'be well' consistently and take responsibility for my recovery and treatment to ensure that I don't become a 'thorn' amongst the society. To contribute my self-purpose to the society and worthy of your friendships.

To the special few of you's..
- Words aren't enough to repay your generous tolerance with me. Please believe me when I say - the word appreciation takes on a whole new level here. I will always make the effort to contact you, to remind you that I will always try to be a better person and friend

When will I ever learn?
I find myself repeating the same self-damaging mistakes.
Or am I being too hard on myself?

I have personality disorder.
The question is, do I actually possess any part of the personality that isn't 'disordered'?
How can a person not possess a personality that is true to themself?
I must have one then.
Which is it?

These questions must have a positive purpose, my therapist says.
Positivity.
How long I've neglected and underestimated it.

My dear friends.
You are reading this.
Thank you.
It means a lot.