Wednesday, April 30, 2014

桃姐说:  我唔惊噶,几大就几大,烧卖就烧卖啦!

I'm not afraid. Whatever will be, will be.

Tuesday, April 29, 2014

"You were quoting the online newspaper?
And it never occur to you to use apostrophes?"

I don't know if I find this frustrating or funny.
But since I was smiling and giggling in front of the monitor, it must be the latter.
CLY and I were clarifying the things he typed last Saturday night.
He thought I was upset, thinking he was drunk.
So, he was trying to justify that he knew what he was saying.
But it didn't occur to him that I could have misunderstood his statements, thinking he was 'talking' to me directly.
I think we both had a good laugh.
Well, I can't see his actual face, so at least I'm sure there were laughters on my side of the screen.
I'm glad that this happened, really.
Makes the whole relationship more relaxed now.

Then, he typed.
"I really do like you. I think you're really cute."
At least this time, I don't feel worried.

Monday, April 28, 2014

Like many other large cities, Tokyo, Japan, has a sizable homeless population. There’s something different about the homeless in Tokyo, though, especially those living in Shinjuku Station. Instead of living with messy bags and shopping carts in tow, this group of homeless people decided to do something a little different.
They don’t bother passers by and they don’t create a mess. The people who live in the station have an organized little community… of cardboard homes.

This reminds me of my old posting here 

不是, 是因為妳還活著所以特別珍貴
"No, it's because you're here that makes it all worthwhile."

I'm more worried that I'm flattered.
I think I would have felt differently had I received such message in my younger years.

In retrospect, I think it's amazing how far I've come.
I was actually in the darkest pit in 2008, and look at me now.
Someone is actually professing that I bring joy to his life.
I'm happy for myself.
No matter how brief this may be.

Sunday, April 27, 2014

I was relaxing in the facial spa when I heard this obnoxious voice talking loudly over the phone.
Her phone wouldn't stop ringing and she would have endless conversations which didn't seem urgent at all.
When she wasn't talking on the phone, she was making demands to be served immediately, despite being late for her manicure appointment.

“You need to learn to respect customers! I can sue you!” etc etc * bitchy nonsense *
When it was my turn to be attended to, the staff was so professional , unperturbed, and didn’t show any trace of annoyance from the previous insulting experience with that obnoxious woman.

She was smiling sweetly and speaking ever so gently.
I immediately felt relaxed already.
Wow. Such professionalism.

Friday, April 25, 2014

A message from a good friend, Max.
"If the guy wants to be with your friend, he would not be NOT smiling.
He prefers to be with you. Why do you want to deny this?
If you message the guy now, "Oh, I think I like you." He will be excited, I'm sure.
God Blesses but you must choose to accept the blessings . 
No one can help you on this.
You will always have the choice of a better life. 
It's dangerous to think that God has forsaken you because you have this condition.
There is always at least one reason why things happen in your life.
I know you will be reading all these.
My main point is... You are given a choice, choose wisely.

There's a huge lump in my throat.
My heart feels like it's twisted.
My face is flushed.
My eyes are red.
I'm holding it all back in as I'm currently in the office.

Max added this, perhaps after reading the above.

"I wept in the gents after writing all these to you. 
I wish you all the best. 
You deserve to have happiness in your life. 
You do."
I think I really messed up.
I went to dinner with CLY and brought along YL.
Main reason is I bought too many coupons for the dinner and needed a 3rd person to help.
When I told my friends about this arrangement, everyone unanimously agreed that I'm giving out mixed signals and CLY might not like it.
I didn’t feel it was a serious faux pas until I saw that CLY was visibly disappointed upon arrival.
Unlike the previous appointments, he wasn't smiling this time.

I chatted with Mn + Cc about this today at lunch.
“I FB messaged him and for the first time, he didn't reply, despite having read it. (the seen indicator was on). This has never happened before. He always replies my messages immediately upon reading. He must be upset with me,” I pouted.
“Oh, you messaged him privately?” asked Cc.
“In a group message, with YL.”
OMG!”**(thank goodness she didn't choke on her rice)
So, apparently, I have handled this CLY situation very badly.
I worry for myself as my judgement capability is so impaired, that I simply don't see what's wrong it.

During last night’s dinner, I was happy to see how YL and CLY were getting along well and had even imagined them as a couple.
I had viewed their Chinese zodiac and western horoscopes earlier.
They matched perfectly.
I did view mine with CLY’s too, we’re not too bad either.
So, what exactly am I doing?

These are the messages I’ve received from people who care for me.
“Don’t you feel you deserve happiness?”
 “It’s ok to feel afraid, but give both yourself and that guy a chance.” 
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret.” 
“Don’t overthink. Don’t underestimate the fact that you can and do deserve good things happening in your life.” ....and the most I've received, "OMG !" "OMG!"What were you thinking?!"
My sis asked me, "So,how do you feel about all this?"
I stared at my unreplied message.
My eyes are teary.

I recall my own words when the newly acquainted colleague wanted to introduce him to me.
I was super nervous.
I said, “I don’t know what I want. What I dare pursue. Not until I’m sure, I feel uncomfortable about this.”
I’m going to let the dogs lie as they are for now.

Thursday, April 24, 2014

"It's important to forgive."
"Who do you have the hardest time forgiving?"
I dreamt of CLY last night.
He came to my house and I felt very uncomfortable.
My family members were there.
I had some excuse to leave and I did.
Then, I was at a different place.
A much more comfortable place.
I felt very guilty for leaving CLY so I called him to ask if he could meet me there.

What a weird dream indeed.
Now that I'm self analysing my own thoughts over the matter, I'm recalling this dream.

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Cháng xiànmù biérén de dàijià, wǎngwǎng jiù huì shīqù zìjǐ

You will tend to forget who you are when you are in constant envy of others.

Tuesday, April 22, 2014

Fàng bùxià, jiù bèizhe.
Kàn bù kāi, jiù jìzhe.
Shěbude, jiù liúzhe.
If you can't let it go, then carry it, remember it, keep it.

Yǒu yītiān...
Bèi bu dòng le, jiù fàngxiàle.
Jì bù qīngle, jiù kàn kāile.
Liú bù zhùle, jiù shědéliǎo.
One day, when you can't carry it anymore, can't remember it clearly, can't hold it any longer, you will let it go.
Taken from buddhistlifemission

Sunday, April 20, 2014

One of my favourite pastime is to go to the video-rental shop to pick a movie for the weekend.
This weekend I picked 激战 Unbeatable.
The movie was about getting back to living our lives despite it all, very inspirational indeed.
Though it's fictional, viewers can relate to the tragic and miserable difficulties narrated throughout the movie.

There were several great quotes.
Remember what you are fighting for, don't be afraid, if you are, you will lose for life.
Actually, I'm afraid each time I fight, but I tell myself, I can do it. 
At this age, do we still need to seek approval from others? It's enough that we know for ourselves why we are doing this.
我得冠军的时候,以为世界是我的。原来世界是不等人的。我唯一做到的,都被自己出卖了。When I was the champion, I thought that the world was under my feet. But no, time waits for no man. Even I betrayed my own talent
Have I got anything to lose at this point? Win or lose, why does it matter?It will never come back to me.
I might fall, but I will stand up again.
I believe that every boxer has his purpose, carries a dream.
I 'm here to prove that the impossible is possible.

Saturday, April 19, 2014

During Zumba, our instructor made us turn around during the dance.
When we turned behind, the gym cleaner, who happened to be walking past the studio, surprised us with his moves.
He was really at it!
"Look at him, he has more energy in his moves than you guys!", said the instructor.
We all had to agree.

Such a pleasant surprise.

Friday, April 18, 2014

Incident ONE
I was chatting with an academic staff from the Creative Design faculty.
We were talking about our bodies and she brought up an incident that happened during her pregnancy.
"Oh, how old is your baby now?", I asked.
"She was a stillborn."
"Oh...*awkward silence* I'm sorry."
"It's ok."
Of course it's not ok. 
But I find it's so ironic that she has to say that so that I can feel better.

Incident TWO
YL was sharing her difficulties in maintaining a healthier complexion.
I stared at her face and I had to agree, it IS serious.
"How was your skin back when you were a teenager?" *coz seriously, I've not seen breakouts like this since secondary school.
"It has been like this all this while. It was slightly better when I was in Uni. I think it was because I was really happy back then. Now, I'm burdened with too much stress."
YL has a boss well-known for her pettiness.
Furthermore, YL is currently pursuing her Masters and she has family dependants too.

Incident THREE
I bumped into Dr.C at the canteen.
She looked paler and thinner.
I asked LC if her son is getting better.
LC shook her head.

There is much sorrow around me.
And I was actually feeling sad this morning.

Tuesday, April 15, 2014

This is the arm of my most respectable friend. This was her photo posted on her FB.

Jack Ma, founder of Alibaba

When I first started Alibaba, I was immediately met with strong opposition from family and friends. Looking back, I realised that the biggest driving force for me then was not my confidence in the Internet and the potential it held, but more of this:  ”No matter what one does, regardless of failure or success, the experience is a form of success in itself.” You have got to keep trying, and if it doesn’t work, you always can revert back to what you were doing before.

As with this quote by T.E. Lawrence – “All men dream: but not equally. Those who dream in the dark recesses of the night awake in the day to find all was vanity. But the dreamers of day are dangerous men, for they may act their dreams with open eyes, and make it possible.”

Monday, April 14, 2014

Edited messages between myself and CLY.
What are you doing now that exam is over?
Relaxing ,waiting to watch my favorite team vs Manchester on 8:40pm.
K, then. Enjoy your well deserved rest.

at 10.40pm
You will never walk alone.
Liverpool won huh?
Yes. We have been waiting for so many years. Now we just need to be patient. Let us wrap up Chelsea first , then only we are the champion.
"we'? hahahaha.... will Liverpool share their winning profits with you? hahaha... i'm glad you have a reason to celebrate..
The joy of a loyal fan is priceless. *huge smiley face
(*he replied rather slow and I suspected he might be drunk)
I'm glad Liverpool won. Perhaps it's a start of a good week ahead. Goodnight.
We will never walk alone. Haha! Cheers! Goodnight !

It was only the next day that I start to comprehend what a big deal the winning was.
Hey, after chatting with a friend, only did I realized why you were so 'high' last night. Happy for you. Perhaps it's a sign that you'd pass your exams too.
Haha. I hope *smiley face (*I love how he always respond immediately)
I was thinking... last night's game was so important. Why did you suggest that we meet up for dinner last night then? You would have missed the game. (I had rescheduled it to Thursday because his office is nearer to my workplace.)
Oh, doesn't matter. I only watched the game when I'm free.
But it seemed to mattered a lot last night.
Yes. It is really exciting after 24 years waiting we finally stand the chance to be the champion. 

By then, his contradictions made me feel so full of myself. "Eeee...maybe he really wanted to meet up with me as soon as his exams are over? eeeeeeee !" -Girly grin, girly grin...

Tonight, LC asked me how I felt about him.
I thought about it seriously.
"I don't know. I fear that we might just get together simply because we're both lonely, and seeking and nothing else."
I'm not grinning anymore.

At this very moment, his FB messenger icon is green as I'm typing this.
 Right at the top bar of my friends' list.
I have no intention of clicking on his name.
Not tonight,
 at least.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

1. Be determined. Instead of intending to just try, do it.
Do, or do not. There is no “try”. - Yoda, from Star Wars

2. Learn to let go and be clear of where you really want to head for.
Love cannot be found where it doesn’t exist, nor can it be hidden where it truly does. - David Schwimmer, from Kissing a Fool

3. Your past experiences are valuable lessons to you now, learn from them.
Oh yes, the past can hurt. But you can either run from it, or learn from it. – Rafiki, from The Lion King

4. Just be yourself because you’re unique and you’ll shine.
Why are you trying so hard to fit in when you were born to stand out? - from What a Girl Wants

5. Life’s too short to miss out anything, try to take it slowly.
Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. - Ferris, from Ferris Bueller’s Day Off

6. You should love and take care of yourself because after all, it’s your own life.
You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love. - from The Notebook

7. Everyone has a choice. You can choose your own path in life.
We are who we choose to be. - Green Goblin, from Spider-Man

8. You deserve what you want when you’re trying your best to fight for it, no one can take that right from you.
Don’t let anyone ever make you feel like you don’t deserve what you want. - Heath Ledger, from 10 Things I Hate About You

9. There’s no perfect time for anything, do it now or you’ll regret later.
I don’t regret the things I’ve done, but those I did not do. - from Empire Records

10. You don’t need to hide yourself because you’re afraid of what others think of you. You have the choice to live your own life.
It is not our abilities that show what we truly are… it is our choices. - Dumbledore, from Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets

11. Just keep going, you’ll make it one day.
“Run, Forrest, run!” - from Forrest Gump

12. The least expected things happen at your least expected time in life.
My momma always said, “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” – from Forrest Gump

13. Never give up on your dream, fight your hardest for it.
Don’t ever let somebody tell you you can’t do something, not even me. Alright? You dream, you gotta protect it. People can’t do something themselves, they wanna tell you you can’t do it. If you want something, go get it. Period. - Chris Gardner, from The Pursuit of Happyness

14. Don’t stuck in your own little world because the purpose of life is to explore and experience.
“To see the world, things dangerous to come to, to see behind walls, to draw closer, to find each other and to feel. That is the purpose of life.” - from The Secret Life of Walter Mitty

15. Stop trying to please everyone because it’s impossible. Do what makes you comfortable.
You cannot live your life to please others. The choice must be yours. - White Queen, from Alice in Wonderland

16. Believe in yourself. Your confidence will lead you to success and happiness.
After a while, you learn to ignore the names people call you and just trust who you are. - from Shrek

17. In order to achieve your dreams and goals, you’ll go through tough times for sure but hold on!
If you’re going to try, go all the way. Otherwise don’t even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives, jobs. And maybe your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery, isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance. Of how much you really want to do it. And you’ll do it, despite rejection in the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. – from Factotum

18. Make every moment count, enjoy your life time and don’t waste it.
All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. - from Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring.

19. The little things you do today could make a great difference in future.
It’s what you do right now that makes a difference. - from Black Hawk Down

20. Don’t take missing any opportunities as a bad thing, you never know what life is trying to teach you.
Our lives are defined by opportunities, even the ones we miss. - from The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

21. Achieving greatness is all about how much effort you make throughout the time.
Great men are not born great, they grow great. - Mario Puzo, from The Godfather

22. Instead of seeking for happiness, live the moment and that’s where happiness exists.
Me, I still believe in paradise. But now at least I know it’s not some place you can look for because it’s not where you go. It’s how you feel for a moment in your life when you’re a part of something and if you find that moment, it lasts forever. - from The Beach

23. If you wait for others to complete you, you’ll never be able to have peace in your mind whenever you’re alone.
Only if you find peace within yourself will you find true connection with others. - from Before Sunrise

24. Always have hope. Be optimistic for your future.
I know what I have to do now, I’ve got to keep breathing because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring? - from Cast Away

25. Before you do anything, be clear of why you want to do it. The purpose is an important reason to support what you’ll do.
To find something, anything, a great truth or a lost pair of glasses, you must first believe there will be some advantage in finding it. - from All the King’s Men

Saturday, April 12, 2014

“OMG. What is she doing?”
Only when I finished my sentence did I realise there were many other people watching as well.
Iy, who was beside me, gave me a puzzled look. She was staring at L long before I came in.
The students were watching L too.
L was standing conspicuously at the centre of the room giggling to herself. Her muscle spasms were worse than before.
I clicked my tongue and sighed. “She’s getting worse. No matter what, we have known each other for 4 years. It’s hard not – NOT to care.”
Iy gave me a worried expression of empathy.

L had wronged me several times in the past.
I’m not sure if it’s common office politics or mere character flaw on her part.
I can’t help but wonder if this is karma.'
Don’t get me wrong. I'm not putting on the ‘holier than thou’ masquerade. I’m sure my own heaps of bad karma debts will pounce on me soon enough.

Looking at L, it’s a frightening reminder that anything can happen to us.
The Top 10 Inspirational Buddha Quotes
1. “All that we are is the result of what we have thought. The mind is everything. What we think we become.”
2. “All wrong-doing arises because of mind. If mind is transformed can wrong-doing remain?”
3. “Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.”
4. “Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.”
5. “However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you If you do not act on upon them?”
6. “Even death is not to be feared by one who has lived wisely.”
7. “Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without.”
8. “In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west; people create distinctions out of their own minds and then believe them to be true.”
9. “If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.”
10. “The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows." In resonance with this quote also is the final one by The Buddha: "There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.”
The studio's sound system went completely dead during the BodyCombat class which was prior to Zumba.
So, everyone just packed their things and left.
Many Zumba regulars, myself including were very disappointed.
Ivy, a Zumba enthusiast wouldn't give up.
"Wait... I'll get the staff from downstairs to have a look"
The gym staff has a reputation for their lackadaisical attitude.
It took them 3 days to change the battery on the clock.
So, I'm not holding my breath for them to save the day.

I changed my clothes.
As I was walking out, Ivy saw me and stopped me.
"Don't go! Wait till Maggie, (the instructor) shows up at least, maybe she can fix the system."
I laughed, "Wow, your positive energy is amazing!", and waved her goodbye.
I bumped into Maggie and told her about the problem.
She went in and plugged her iPod into the system.
The music played.
Everyone around was surprised.
I let out a guffaw.
I ran back to the locker room to inform this miracle to Ivy.

She was in disbelief, "Really ? It's back ?"
I was grinning, "Perhaps it was your positive energy which brought it back to life", I teased.
She grinned back.
"Yup. Nothing can stop me from my Zumba!", clenching her fist in excitement.
I changed back into my gym clothes and we had a very good Zumba class.
Bless that girl.

Thursday, April 10, 2014

it just gives a nice tingling feeling, doesn't it ? Like anything is possible.
Even witnessing a great event itself is magic.

Wednesday, April 09, 2014

My current Office ID photo was taken in 2009.
When the Corporate department announced that they are changing the company's logo a month ago, immediately I had the intention of submitting my latest photo to the HR department ,as they will be reissuing new ID cards for all staff.
My new photo is much nicer as not only had I lost a lot of weight, I looked very happy .
My smile was genuine.

Unfortunately, I made the mistake of procrastination.
Mostly because I really dislike the HR staff who is in charge of this matter.
So today when my colleague handed me the new ID, I was terribly disappointed that unlike the rest of the HR matters, this staff decided to be prompt on this task.
I heaved a big sigh of disappointment.

I showed my ID to all the newer staff who have never seen my chubbier side.
They were all shocked.
Some were polite enough not to laugh, though I wouldn't have mind.

Then, I stared at my ID reflectively.
"What is so bad about this photo?'', I asked myself.
It IS me after all.
Why can't I love this photo?
I continued to stare.
My feelings began to change.
Perhaps it is a good idea to keep this photo as my ID card.
I must accept EVERYTHING about me, including bad photos.
I love me.

Tuesday, April 08, 2014

"We all have bad days, but one thing is true;
no cloud is so dark, that the sun can't shine through." 
-Miranda Kerr

Sunday, April 06, 2014

Found this pictures of blissful photos on Facebook, it was not credited.

Saturday, April 05, 2014

"Say 'yes' as often as you can. 'No' doesn't move you. "- Michael J.Fox
"One day a crazy looking homeless guy came to the door, and we were about to close the door on him, but my mother saw him and shouted:
 'Hey Eugene!' She knew his name!
Then she ran around the kitchen putting all sorts of food into tupperware, and brought it out to him. After he left, we asked my mom why she gave him so much food.
She told us: 'You never know how Jesus is going to look when he shows up.'
She was always saying that-- it was a spiritual thing.
Then you know what happened? Two months later, that same man showed up on the door step, clean shaven, and wearing a suit.
And he had an envelope with money for my mother.
'Ms. Rosa always believed in me,' he said. I'll never forget it! Eugene was his name."

Friday, April 04, 2014

"I have too much energy. I'm learning to channel it instead of letting it burn me."
"How does it burn you?"
"It can keep me from focusing. It causes me to think about a million things at once."
"Are you manic?"
"Do you take medicine?"
"No. I just wear a weight vest under my clothes while I'm working, then after work I run until the batteries are done." 
"I worked at the same cafe for 28 years, but it just went out of business, so I had to find new work. Before it was like I had a family. I saw the same people every day. But now I just have a job. One day you lose something, and you say: 'Oh my God. I was happy. And I didn't even know it.'"

Thursday, April 03, 2014

I had a good online chat with Max.
He’s doing very well. 
In our last chat, he had a very disruptive physical condition which needed consultation from a specialist. 
I’m glad it’s no longer an issue for him.
Matter of fact, he’s training for triathlon. 

Max is the most highly functional person I know who had previously had similar mental/emotional struggle. Hence, I wasted no time in seeking  for his opinion – about me dating.
“There is nothing wrong with you. We may have low self esteem due to our past but we can have a good life too.”
“I have to tell him, but when?”
“When he talks about the future, and it involves you.”

I have been thinking about THE talk that I will eventually have with him ever since I found out that we were mutually ‘keen’ of each other.
I have NEVER stopped thinking about it.

All along I thought I was eager to be honest with him asap because I didn’t want to risk hurting him.
But today, I realised that I was actually lying to myself.
I wanted to tell him asap because I didn’t want to risk getting hurt.
Deep inside, I know what I have IS a huge issue, and it is a valid reason for him to walk away and I’m not strong enough for that.

I've been asking myself, When do I tell him? Right before we get serious? Right after we get serious? When is serious?
I selfishly want him to get to know me better.
Surely I’m more than my illness?
Deep down I know the above statement is something I can console myself with, not something I can put unto him.

Wednesday, April 02, 2014

The key to success? Grit

Grit is sticking with your future — day in, day out, not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years — and working really hard to make that future a reality.

Grit is living life like it's a marathon, not a sprint.

There are many talented individuals who simply do not follow through on their commitments. In fact, in our data, grit is usually unrelated or even inversely related to measures of talent.

So growth mindset is a great idea for building grit.
But we need more. And that's where I'm going to end my remarks, because that's where we are. That's the work that stands before us.
We need to take our best ideas, our strongest intuitions, and we need to test them.
We need to measure whether we've been successful, and we have to be willing to fail, to be wrong, to start over again with lessons learned.