Wednesday, July 29, 2015

In the midst of one of our many thought-provoking conversations, LJ chipped,
"We see things clearer as third parties. Like yourself, you can't see how intelligent you are.
See ! You don't believe me, do you ?"
LJ has encouraged me many times to better myself.

Today, a good friend M advised me to look for job soon.
Urgently soon.
I told her I'm still struggling to get up from bed.
And that I'm trying to control my emotions and not think about my pending unemployment.

She read my lamentation as inaction.
She thought I had not began my search, or not being proactive enough.

When all was cleared out, she sheepishly apologise, fearing that I might misread her concern as intrusion.
Not at all.
I read it all as genuine care and concern from a friend.
And that's priceless.

It means a lot that some people around me feel that I'm worthy,
especially when I am struggling with my self-worth.
They can envision me having and doing better things.

How unfortunate that I can't see any of that,  at the moment.
I like this phrase I read from FB this morning.

"I thanked him for doing a good job. He just smiled.
I learn a lot from him. I need that.
Perseverance, focused and not giving up.
There is nothing fancy about his job.
Not even his attire. Nothing.
But he does it for his halal salary
This is the best that he can do. He does it well."

Syed Azmi

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

I was reading the paper.
The 'Dear Thelma' section caught my attention.
The title, 'I hate my mother to the core' drew close proximity.

I must take the advice in the reply.

"The first thing you have to realise and accept is that you are in charge of your own behaviour...

You have to take responsibility for your own actions...

If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.

You have to stop making excuses.

If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.

You have to stop making excuses.

What you have to do now is to harness your energy and focus on something positive. You just have to stop looking at yourself as a victim, and see that you can exercise some control over your life .."

Taken from The Star

Monday, July 27, 2015

"Depression is a way of defending yourself against overwhelming thoughts and emotions, usually generated by childhood trauma.
Anything can be a defence, she says: drinking too much, getting into abusive relationships, anger, mania, getting very stressed.
Depression is brought to bear when there’s nothing else left in your armoury.
'It’s like a blanket over feelings that are unacceptable to the conscious mind.
 It absolves you of all responsibility to say ‘I have these feelings and I need to attend to them’."
Sally Willis,

Saturday, July 25, 2015

Feeling relieved that I've survived yet another episode of darkness. Till the next one comes.... 

Friday, July 24, 2015

LJ has been really kind to me.
She keeps pushing me to write.
"It will help you. Not just to relieve the pain, but you will discover greater things. You need this"

When I was really down.
"Go watch a movie. Read a book. Don't feel bad about feeling bad."

A masseuse who is into palm-reading and fortune telling told me that this year isn't a good year for me.
Looking at her calculations, she said,

 "Things will get better when you are in your 40s, and will continue when you are in your 50s. Hmmm, but you will encounter major illness when you reach 60s".

This made me wonder about the last time I was told something similar.
There is heaviness in my heart.
Left side of my upper body.
I'm sure there's a scientific explanation to it.
But all I know is, I'm in pain.
I have been in pain for a long time.

Pain has been my most consistent reminder of how unhappy I am.
I know that...
I'm not alone.
I'm better than this.
...things can get better.
...this will pass.
... this will return.
... again, it too will pass.

I have been in war with this for 20 years.
I have never experienced the period of my supposedly best years of my life.
My entire story of youth is about depression, anxiety, and instability.

What's next?

Wednesday, July 08, 2015

“It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is the rust upon the blade. It is not the revolution which destroys the machinery but the friction. Fear secretes acids; but love and trust are sweet juices.”

― Henry Ward Beecher

Monday, July 06, 2015

A Miami-Dade judge and one of her old middle school classmates had an emotional reunion in court after he was arrested following an alleged burglary and police pursuit.

Arthur Booth, 49, was arrested Monday by Hialeah Police on several charges including burglary, grand theft, fleeing, and resisting arrest.
Burglary suspect breaks down when he recognises judge from middle school.
An impromptu middle school reunion in Miami-Dade bond court led to tears today after Judge Mindy Glazer recognized that Arthur Booth, the man charged with burglary before her, was her former classmate at Nautilus Middle School in Miami Beach. 

Booth, 49, was arrested on Monday by Hialeah police. The suspect was spotted driving a gold Honda that matched the description of a vehicle believed to have been involved in a robbery, according to NBC Miami. An officer tried to stop the car, but Booth took off, leading to a police chase. Booth didn't obey stop signs and got into two accidents before eventually crashing the car. He tried to continue fleeing on foot but was eventually caught. 

He was arrested and charged with various counts of burglary, grand theft, reckless driving, leaving the scene of a crash, fleeing from an officer, criminal mischief, and resisting arrest without violence. 

Booth was taken to bond court on Monday and Glazer was behind the bench. 

"Did you go to Nautilus?" Glazer asked. 

"Oh my goodness," replied Booth multiple times at first with smiles and then with tears. 

It turns out that decades ago the pair had been classmates at Nautilus Middle School. 
"I'm sorry to see you here," replied Glazer. "I always wondered what happened to you." 

"This was the nicest kid in middle school; he was the best kid in middle school," Glazer continued. "I used to play football with him, all the kids, and look what has happened."

"What's sad is how old we've become. Good luck to you, sir, I hope you are able to come out of this OK and just lead a lawful life.

Sunday, July 05, 2015

Again, I'm wrong about the people whom I thought to be 'ok'.
They started out so seemingly genuine.
Kind gestures, thoughtful acts, empathetic listeners.

I trust too easily.

Something happened this morning that made me think.
I was strolling along a busy road.
A very old dog approached me.
I remember feeling very sorry for it.
It seemed to be in despair.
Suddenly, it growled and opened its jaw near my leg.
I screamed !
Someone shouted at the dog, and it redrew.
But it came at me again, growling determined as if its protecting its own life.
I screamed again.
Thank God a car came from behind and honked loudly.
The dog was frightened and finally left.

This incident is an excellent simile.
I can't blame myself for being there when that dog decides to go all crazy on me.
Sometimes, there is just no reason for it.
I can't drive myself crazy trying to figure out what went wrong.
I'm not being self-conceited if I do find myself faultless when a relationship goes sour.
I was just there.
The dog obviously found me an easy victim, that's all.

I'm hurt.
I'm shocked.
I've always known trust is an investment.
I have lost this investment.
But I will trust again.

"Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. - Matt.7.6

Friday, July 03, 2015

Taken entirely from Alex Myles in Elephant Journal

I am an empath.

For so many years I felt like an alien on this planet. I often used to say, “I am not of this world.” I didn’t know many people who were like me, who felt things the way I did or who could relate or resonate to things in a similar way to which I did.

The most striking thing for me about being an empath is the way I feel the physical, mental and emotional pain of others as though it were my own. This can be and has been emotionally and physically crippling and it has caused me to suffer tremendously. It is often described as being similar to a sponge, absorbing every emotion and piece of energy around me, and then becoming weighted down by it.

An empath is someone who is highly sensitive to the energy and emotions emanating from people, animals and everything that exists around them. They have the ability to scan other people’s auras and souls and can intuitively pick up on past, present and even future thoughts and feelings and can quite accurately determine another person’s emotional, mental and physical state.

The saying “never judge a book by its cover” would ring true for an empath. Never would they trust the outer appearance or deceptive superficial exteriors; they will always sense what goes on behind the masks, if they trust their own judgment.

It is vital that, to thrive, the empath personality type needs to work towards learning to trust their own judgment and intuition so that they can be at one with the inherent superpowers they have been born with.

If an empath does not have a good understanding of themselves and how to work with energy rather than pushing against it or absorbing it all, not only can this be emotionally debilitating, it can also result in physical illness with depression, stress and anxiety taking a toll on the body and a very high chance of suffering from the effects of burnout.

Like with all things, there are variations of the empath personality type. Some people will identify strongly, others will only recognise themselves in a few of the following traits:

1. Feels calmer when alone, and, in relationships, requires distance and regular periods of solitude.

2. Often says yes to others without thinking of their own needs.

3. Relationships can often move too fast and can become intense very quickly as the empath connects on a deep, intimate level very quickly due to the ability to absorb other people’s energy and emotions.

4. An empath will often take full responsibility for how others treat them and for anything that goes wrong in relationships. They have a great amount of compassion and can clearly see other people’s emotional baggage and so they make many excuses for why people behave as they do, and this is very often to the detriment of an empath.

5. Tends to connect with people who are suffering and often wants to heal others or try to make the world a better place for them.

6. Instinctively knows when someone around them is not being truthful.

7. Sometimes empaths just know things, without having any idea of where they gained the information. When trying to work out the truth from a lie it can seem as though the information has been presented forward so that it can be used to help make a decision. The empath should only trust the information if they are highly skilled at reading themselves and others accurately and if paranoia or other information is not clouding their judgement.

8. An empath’s mind is an inquisitive one and they are constantly searching for answers and theorize and philosophise constantly.

9. Can feel the energy surrounding physical things and will often choose clothing or material purchases based on the energy that has attached to them.

10. Very creative and highly imaginative, writing, art, music, painting, dancing, acting, painting, building and designing are a few of the traits that empaths very often are passionate about.

11. An empath will likely get distracted easily when they are doing things they don’t enjoy and will quickly zone out or day dream when placed in situations where their mind is not stimulated.

12. Can struggle to fully relax in the company of others and really let their hair down and have fun, unless they are extremely comfortable and at ease with those surrounding them.

13. Prefers their living space to be clutter free and minimalistic; chaotic surroundings make for chaotic minds for an empath and they have enough inner sensations happening without cluttering their psyche further.

14. Finds it very difficult to be around people who are egotistical or enjoy putting others down to make themselves look better. Empaths will often come to the defense of those that have been rejected or bullied in any way.

15.Crowded places are emotionally overwhelming and downtime is required after social gatherings.

16.Highly sensitive to sounds, smells, bright lights and the feel of certain fabrics.

17. Regularly suffers with fatigue and can feel drained following interactions with others.

18. Can become shy and withdrawn as a method of self-protection. This can result in empaths becoming introverts as a way of avoiding the emotional and physical pain that often stems from interactions.

Other people may see empaths as moody or loners due to the amount of alone or downtime they need. Others may struggle to understand that these things are just part of the personality type and feel comfortable and the most natural ways to exist for an empath. Empaths do like connection, but they need to balance that out by creating a safe space for themselves to exist in alongside it.

Empaths may have an addictive personality and can pick up habits such as drinking alcohol, playing online games or excessively indulging in a particular interest as a form of escapism to blot out feeling so much pain.

The easiest way to look at the empath type is as though the personality is a blessing and a curse. It is a blessing to have the ability to feel and experience life at such a highly sensitive level, so the joy and love around them will feel like constant electric pulses beating through them. However, the curse is that the lows are felt at an equal intensity.

When empaths learn to protect themselves by becoming consciously aware of how they are allowing outside energy to penetrate them, they are then in a position to turn the curses to blessings so that the painful and toxic energies are not absorbed within the psyche/soul. Empaths must be sure to surround themselves with others whose energies vibrate at a similar frequency so that they are not vulnerable and exposed to energy that can cause them harm. Self-protection is vital. I will cover all aspects of self-protection in a follow-up article.

Being an empath really is a beautiful way to live and to experience life. Finely tuning our frequency so that we keep our energy levels high and refuse to take on or absorb anything that will harm us is the simplest, harmonious and magically unique way to exist.