Monday, June 30, 2014

For some reason, I thought of him a lot today.
As I had successfully changed all my desktop FB setting that I won't see anything of his, even to the extend of 'Unfollow', I switched on my FB in my smartphone just to see his Online status.
Weird isn't it?
That I would want to lie to myself that I 'accidentally' glanced at his status in my FB Contact List on my smartphone.
Was there a moment where you had doubt your decision?
I would have been so.... worth it.
I wrote this in my FB status.

There are a handful of women around me who are currently facing some tough situations. I just want to drop a note of encouragement here.
You wipe away your tears so nonchalantly, but your tears are the precious evidence of your purest intention.
It was because you had cared, loved, and hoped, that you are now hurt. 
You brave on the daunting road ahead despite nursing a deep wound inside you.
You carry on what that needs to be done, because you possess the indomitable spirit to continue to care, love and hope in life despite the broken pieces.
In this midst of vulnerability, I see your inner strength glimmering even more brightly. 
I salute you. Cheers !

 I realised, I fit the description of my own words above.
"He has been selling since 1957. Leow should be 77 this year. He has since retired from selling his signature popiah from his mobile stall parked in the back alley. His frail condition rendered him incapable of continuing this treasured legacy.And a reader once informed me that Leow has gone blind due to his uncontrolled diabetes.This is far from a desired ending for a man so driven by passion and tenacity throughout his life."
Stressing out about a situation won’t make it go away, so why not try to find the humor in it?
-replay the event in my head, but this time as a spectator instead of a victim. 

Everyone is crazy in their own way, so why not embrace your weirdness?

You don’t have a crystal ball, so why should you obsess with things you can’t predict?

People who take everything seriously are miserable to be around, so why would you do such a thing?
Would you rather hang out with a person who is able to laugh at themselves when they do something silly, or a person who gets upset at the slightest provocation? 

Saturday, June 28, 2014

"My fiancé just left me, I'm a single mother raising my son, all my money is in my business, and I'm doing three jobs on top of that to support myself. I don't know if you can tell but I'm very tired right now. So this - this is the saddest moment of my life. But you know what that wise person said - and there's always some wise person you know - but he said it so I'm saying it. 'Do what you can, with what you have'. So here I am, doing what I can, with what I have."


Friday, June 27, 2014

I found a mysterious dead (moth? Butterfly?) at the gym studio. How did it get there?

I wanted to jog beside the mirrors in the gym to evaluate my running style.
There were a lot of mirrors.
I could even see the 45 degree back view of myself.
...Gosh, my ass is huge.
...My legs are so fat.
...Eee... this is how I look when I run?

Too many thoughts in my head that the 1km was too exhausting.
I changed my treadmill to another one which has a nice outside view from the building.
I ran 2km without much effort.

See the difference?

My summary;
-We tend to believe that some illness are better than others, I suspect that we tend to equate our own experiences with others, so when we hear about someone with major depression, it's easy to say that well, you know I've had my bad days too so I know how it's like.
But it's like comparing a paper cut to an amputation.

-In US, primary care doctors prescribe far more psychotropic drugs than psychiatrists.

-Talk therapy, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy are far more superior than medication.

-We need to believe that these are illnesses, nothing more, nothing less.
We have to stop judging people and bring back together the mind and body and treat the person as whole.

"Too often we... enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.- John F. Kennedy"
-Jump into the discomfort of thought, challenge your assumptions of mental illness and addictions.
SW has finally taken off her wedding ring.
"We had our longest talk. It's over. I can't change his mind."
She sounded very defeated.
But very quickly she added, "I need to do things. Take up art lessons. Maybe dancing."
She opened her schedule and I saw that she's going to Cambodia for a Church missionary trip soon.

My friend Max recently broke up with his girlfriend.
He is going to train for this triathlon, and perhaps participate in some piano competition.
"You play the piano?!"
"Yup."

I'm surrounded by amazing people.

"Do something. Make things happen. It's inaction that kills you." - Tom Peters

Thursday, June 26, 2014

"There’s another story that you may have read that has to do with what we call heaven and hell, life and death, good and bad.
 It’s a story about how those things don’t really exist except as a creation of our own minds. It goes like this: 

A big burly samurai comes to the wise man and says, “Tell me the nature of heaven and hell.” 
And the roshi looks him in the face and says: “Why should I tell a scruffy, disgusting, miserable slob like you?”
 The samurai starts to get purple in the face, his hair starts to stand up, but the roshi won’t stop, he keeps saying, “A miserable worm like you, do you think I should tell you anything?” 
Consumed by rage, the samurai draws his sword, and he’s just about to cut off the head of the roshi. Then the roshi says, “That’s hell.” 

The samurai, who is in fact a sensitive person, instantly gets it, that he just created his own hell; he was deep in hell. It was black and hot, filled with hatred, self-protection, anger, and resentment, so much so that he was going to kill this man.
 Tears fill his eyes and he starts to cry and he puts his palms together and the roshi says, “That’s heaven.”

Sunday, June 22, 2014


I recently left an emotionally abusive relationship. After months of insults I wont repeat, false accusations, lies, delusions, broken mirrors, nightly battles…. I left. I know that I was being poisoned by each day that I stayed. So with a heavy heart, I left my lover of three years, knowing that I had already put it off too long. 
At first he begged, then he cursed, but eventually he paced his bags and faded out of my life like a bad dream. 

For the first few weeks, my body seemed to reject this. For three years I had seen the world through him-colored glasses. I didn't know who I was without him. Despite the kindness of friends and even strangers. I could not help feeling utterly alone. 
But it was this sense of aloneness that set me free. Somewhere along the way, I let go. I released all of the painful memories, the names he had called me, the shards of him buried deep in my brain. 
I stopped believing the things he had made me think about myself. 

I began to see how extraordinary, breathtakingly beautiful life is. 
I meditated, drank too much coffee, talked to strangers, laughed at nothing. I wrote poetry and stopped to smell and photograph every flower. Once I discovered that my happiness depends only on myself, nothing could hurt me anymore. I have found and continue to find peace. Each day I am closer to it than I was yesterday. 
I am a work in progress but I am full to the brim with gratitude and joy. 

And so, since I have opened a new chapter in my life, I want to peacefully part with the contents of the last chapter. 
The end of my relationship was the catalyst for a wealth of positive changes in my life. It was a symbol, most importantly, it was an act of self-love. It was a realization that I deserved to be happy and I could choose to be. 
And so, in an effort to leave behind the things that do not help me grow, I am letting go of a relic from the painful past. I wore this necklace-a gift from him-every day for over tow years. 
To me, letting it go is a joyous declaration that I am moving forward with strength and grace and deep, lasting peace. 
Please accept this gift as a reminder that we all deserve happiness. Whoever you are, and whatever pain you have faced, I hope you find peace. 
Namaste, Jamie 
Read More: http://www.whydontyoutrythis.com/2014/06/a-guy-found-this-note-in-san-francisco-airport-you-wont-believe-what-it-said-inside.html

Thursday, June 19, 2014

I looked out of the window and witnessed this sweet boy walking hand in hand with his granny who was visibly struggling with every step. Despite being under the scorching sun, the sweet boy patiently walked within the granny's pace.
That signboard just had to be there... sigh...

My friend demonstrating newly her developed driving skill in her brand new car.
I have been driving for so long that it's so refreshing to have a beginner's point of view in this experience which I have long taken for granted.
**top left, that's the plastic cover we tore off from the seat.

Humans of New York
"What do you miss most about Brazil?"
"I'm not sure how to say in English. Can I email you?"
"Just try."
"In Brazil. My people. Money or no money. Still happy."

Wednesday, June 18, 2014

Lately, I find that I have been very wrong about the people around me.

The one whom I thought to be a sweet lady, I found to be sinister.
The one whom I thought to be a mentor, who possesses a big heart, I found to be unforgiving and vindictive.
The one whom I thought to be sincere and honest, perhaps the only quality that can redeem her rudeness, I found to have constantly made hypocritical remarks.
The one whom I thought to would see the best in all people, in all situations, I found to be jaded.

But then again, I could be wrong again.
Everything is constant.

Tuesday, June 17, 2014

“Self-acceptance comes from meeting life's challenges vigorously. 
Don't numb yourself to your trials and difficulties, nor build mental walls to exclude pain from your life. 
You will find peace not by trying to escape your problems, but by confronting them courageously. 
You will find peace not in denial, but in victory.”
- Swami Sivananda

8 Things To Remember When Everything Is Going Wrong

#1. Pain is part of growing.
Sometimes life closes doors because it’s time to move forward. And that’s a good thing because we often won’t move unless circumstances force us to. When times are tough, remind yourself that no pain comes without a purpose. Move on from what hurt you, but never forget what it taught you. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re failing. Every great success requires some type of worthy struggle to get there. Good things take time. Stay patient and stay positive. Everything is going to come together; maybe not immediately, but eventually.

#2. Everything in life is temporary.
Every time it rains, it stops raining. Every time you get hurt, you heal. After darkness there is always light – you are reminded of this every morning, but still you often forget, and instead choose to believe that the night will last forever. It won’t. Nothing lasts forever.

If things are bad, don’t worry because it won’t last forever either. Just because life isn’t easy at the moment, doesn’t mean you can’t laugh. Just because something is bothering you, doesn’t mean you can’t smile. Every moment gives you a new beginning and a new ending. You get a second chance, every second. 

#3. Worrying and complaining changes nothing.
Those who complain the most, accomplish the least. It’s always better to attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. It’s not over if you’ve lost; it’s over when you do nothing but complain about it. If you believe in something, keep trying. Don’t let the shadows of the past darken the doorstep of your future. Spending today complaining about yesterday won’t make tomorrow any brighter. Take action instead. Let what you’ve learned improve how you live. Make a change and never look back.

And regardless of what happens in the long run, remember that true happiness begins to arrive only when you stop complaining about your problems and you start being grateful for all the problems you don’t have.

#4. Your scars are symbols of your strength.
Don’t ever be ashamed of the scars life has left you with. A scar means the hurt is over and the wound is closed. Don’t allow your scars to hold you hostage. Don’t allow them to make you live your life in fear. You can’t make the scars in your life disappear, but you can change the way you see them. 
Rumi once said, “The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” Nothing could be closer to the truth. Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most powerful characters in this great world are seared with scars.

#5. Every little struggle is a step forward.
In life, patience is not about waiting; it’s the ability to keep a good attitude while working hard on your dreams, knowing that the work is worth it. So if you’re going to try, put in the time and go all the way. Otherwise, there’s no point in starting. This could mean losing stability and comfort for a while, and maybe even your mind on occasion.
 It could mean not eating what, or sleeping where, you’re used to, for weeks on end. It could mean stretching your comfort zone so thin it gives you a nonstop case of the chills. It could mean sacrificing relationships and all that’s familiar. It could mean accepting ridicule from your peers. It could mean lots of time alone in solitude. Solitude, though, is the gift that makes great things possible. It gives you the space you need. Everything else is a test of your determination, of how much you really want it.

#6. Other people’s negativity is not your problem.
Be positive when negativity surrounds you. Smile when others try to bring you down. It’s an easy way to maintain your enthusiasm and focus. When other people treat you poorly, keep being you. Don’t ever let someone else’s bitterness change the person you are. You can’t take things too personally, even if it seems personal. Rarely do people do things because of you. They do things because of them.

Above all, don’t ever change just to impress someone who says you’re not good enough. Change because it makes you a better person and leads you to a brighter future. People are going to talk regardless of what you do or how well you do it. So worry about yourself before you worry about what others think. If you believe strongly in something, don’t be afraid to fight for it. Great strength comes from overcoming what others think is impossible.

#7. What’s meant to be will eventually, BE.
True strength comes when you have so much to cry and complain about, but you prefer to smile and appreciate your life instead. There are blessings hidden in every struggle you face, but you have to be willing to open your heart and mind to see them. You can’t force things to happen. You can only drive yourself crazy trying. At some point you have to let go and let what’s meant to be, BE.

In the end, loving your life is about trusting your intuition, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, cherishing the memories, and learning through experience. It’s a long-term journey. You have to stop worrying, wondering, and doubting every step of the way. Laugh at the confusion, live consciously in the moment, and enjoy your life as it unfolds. You might not end up exactly where you intended to go, but you will eventually arrive precisely where you need to be. 

#8. The best thing you can do is to keep going.
Don’t be afraid to get back up – to try again, to love again, to live again, and to dream again. Don’t let a hard lesson harden your heart. Life’s best lessons are often learned at the worst times and from the worst mistakes. There will be times when it seems like everything that could possibly go wrong is going wrong. And you might feel like you will be stuck in this rut forever, but you won’t. When you feel like quitting, remember that sometimes things have to go very wrong before they can be right. Sometimes you have to go through the worst, to arrive at your best.

Yes, life is tough, but you are tougher. Find the strength to laugh every day. Find the courage to feel different, yet beautiful. Find it in your heart to make others smile too. Don’t stress over things you can’t change. Live simply. Love generously. Speak truthfully. Work diligently. And even if you fall short, keep going. Keep growing.

Monday, June 16, 2014


We were at our favourite place, the staff lounge.
SW was asking Cc, "So, how's the wedding preparation coming along?"
I giggled, " Should we be asking YOU this question?"
SW 's expression suddenly turned gloomy.
"It has been cancelled."
All of us stared at her blankly.
"You mean delayed," asked LC.
"No. Cancelled."
All of us were speechless.
Even LC, the most blunt person I've ever known, didn't know what to say.

After awhile, when SW left us for her class, all three of us continued with this shocking news.
"Wow, I was depressed when I didn't even started with that guy. I can't imagine how she's feeling !"
All of us agreed how stressful it must be.
Oh dear, I hope what transpired doesn't count as gossip because all of us had the right intention.
Yup, everyone has their own battles.

Sunday, June 15, 2014

 "I am a prisoner serving my last month. I did some fraud in my business and ended up behind bars."
"What was the fraud all about?"
"Don't want to remember the past lah. What will happen if I regret it now? Whatever happened, happened, and I have no control over it now. I have learned my lesson - I won't do it again, but I will also move on with my life. I want to continue my cleaning job now."
"Why is that?"
"Because I am older, and it is simpler."

"I was born with a congenial cataract, so I had to wear thick glasses throughout school. It was about 2000 degrees, so I was bullied a lot. Then in secondary 3, my friend told me that one of my eyes was deviating outwards. 
It's called exotropia, and it gave me a lot of self-esteem problems in communicating with people, because it was very hard to make eye contact with them. But things changed when I joined Poly. I was selected to go for an ambassador workshop from my department, where I came across toastmasters. It was a very encouraging environment, and I started reading self-help books, watching YouTube videos of inspiring speeches. 
It allowed me to try new things, become more outgoing with people, and be more humble."
"In what way?"
"In accepting my disability as an asset rather than a misfortune. In the words of my adopted mentor, 'Anything worth doing is worth doing badly until you get it right.' Which is why I'm now studying optometry, so that I can help people with similar conditions to mine."

"I really think that this lie that we've been sold about disability is the greatest injustice.
 It makes life hard for us. And that quote, "The only disability in life is a bad attitude," the reason that that's bullshit is because it's just not true, because of the social model of disability. 

No amount of smiling at a flight of stairs has ever made it turn into a ramp. Never. 
 Smiling at a television screen isn't going to make closed captions appear for people who are deaf. 
No amount of standing in the middle of a bookshop and radiating a positive attitude is going to turn all those books into Braille. 
It's just not going to happen.

I really want to live in a world where disability is not the exception, but the norm. 
I want to live in a world where we don't have such low expectations of disabled people that we are congratulated for getting out of bed and remembering our own names in the morning. 
I want to live in a world where we value genuine achievement for disabled people, and I want to live in a world where a kid in year 11 in a Melbourne high school is not one bit surprised that his new teacher is a wheelchair user.

Disability doesn't make you exceptional, but questioning what you think you know about it does. "
by Stella Young

Saturday, June 14, 2014

but YW, among all my friends here, you have got to be the one who's most blessed in FAITH.
There's this genuine priceless goodness - maybe it's called Godliness; that is in you that makes you able to overcome anything. 
I see the infallible strength of FAITH in you.
True, you do doubt and fear, but that makes you even more amazing - you don't stop there.
I don't know if it's a gift from God... or it's your faithfulness in God..
But you sure do have it.
And it's a strength that will see through all obstacles.
-----I said these words
"I'm a neuroscience researcher."
"If you could give one piece of advice to a large group of people, what would it be?"
"Listen to your inner voice."
"You're a scientist. Isn't 'inner voice' a spiritual term?"
"Bullshit! You'll hear scientists talking about following their inner voice as much as you'd hear a musician or a priest."
"So how do you know which of your thoughts are your true inner voice?"
"All of them are! The question is-- how much weight do you give them? How much authority do you give your own thoughts? Are you taking them seriously? Or are you sitting in front of the damn tube letting other people tell you what to think?"
You have a large tattoo, one of three, on your back. What does it mean?

The tattoo reminds me to do what is right. It is of one of the four Buddhist guardians called Komokuten, the guardian of awareness and knowledge. And he traditionally stands with one foot on this demon called the Amanojaku. He is the demon of distraction. It was to remind me to just be aware and seek knowledge.

Duncan Jepson , author of ‘Emperors Once More’

Thursday, June 12, 2014

The moment I said 'Goodnight' to CLY, I changed the his FB web setting on my computer.
I no longer want to see his icon on my chat list.


However, perhaps FB captured my frequent habitual chats with him and kept putting his icon below my chat list - under "These friends can't see you on chat".
Hence, against my will , I am updated on how long it was since he last logged into FB messenger -every time I glance on my chat list, which is very short actually.
Today, I discovered that FB has noticed we have not chat in a very long time and has finally removed his icon from my list.
Aah.....

BUT, 
it's a whole different ball game in my smartphone FB messenger.
I can't change the settings there unless I delete/block him.
I can't do that because he'll know and I need to pretend that I'm ok, and that he's no big deal.
Yup, pretend.

For some ungodly FB setting reasons, CLY remains top of my FB friends by default whenever I click on 'new message' or 'contacts'.
Imagine, FB actually put him above my sister, and my closest friends. 
How is it possible? I've been chatting with them for years !
I was so muddled by this that I searched for the reason online.
Rest assured, I DO NOT constantly check on his FB timeline.
I do not look at anything about him anymore.
I am not dumb.
I need to heal.
It's as if FB's setting is programmed to tease our minds.
It's as if FB knows exactly what's on top my mind, hence put him on top of my list.
Dang.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

If you are my colleague and you're reading this -
SHAME ON YOU.
You don't know what privacy is, nor basic manners.
I did not give anyone in the office this blog add.
You or the other colleague opened the history page of the shared computer.
If you truly are interested in knowing me better, you should have tried to be my friend instead of gossiping all the time.
SHAME ON YOU.
My sis came to visit.
We talk only when she wasn't bound by the phone. (I really think her attachment with the phone has reached the addiction stage)
I told her about my colleague.
"You shouldn't feel so angry about this. Instead, you should offer more compassion."
I calmed down.
I wondered myself, "Why am I taking this so personally?"

I guess I see L as my compatriot in battling this illness.
I am angry because she is still at the stage of DENIAL of her circumstances despite all these years.
Her relapse adds another statistical number against my odds.
Her entire behaviour has worsen the stigma.

I guess I do see myself in her.
Her current situation could be lying ahead of me.

Tuesday, June 10, 2014

This photo is so cute.
I truly wonder what's going through this dog's mind as it sauntered into the parade.

Monday, June 09, 2014

"Once there was a young warrior. Her teacher told her that she had to do battle with fear. 
She didn’t want to do that. It seemed too aggressive; it was scary; it seemed unfriendly. 
But the teacher said she had to do it and gave her the instructions for the battle. 
The day arrived. 
The student warrior stood on one side, and fear stood on the other. The warrior was feeling very small, and fear was looking big and wrathful. 
They both had their weapons. 
The young warrior roused herself and went toward fear, prostrated three times, and asked, “May I have permission to go into battle with you?” 

Fear said, “Thank you for showing me so much respect that you ask permission.” 
Then the young warrior said, “How can I defeat you?” 
Fear replied, “My weapons are that I talk fast, and I get very close to your face. 
Then you get completely unnerved, and you do whatever I say. 
If you don’t do what I tell you, I have no power. 
You can listen to me, and you can have respect for me. 
You can even be convinced by me. But if you don’t do what I say, I have no power.” 
In that way, the student warrior learned how to defeat fear. ”

                    ~ When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times , Pema Chödrön
"You have a very strong quality that you seem to be unaware of," said CC.
"Your choice of words are very succinct.
You should write a book."
I have this terrible habit of multi-tasking.
I was reading the newspaper while walking to the canteen.
"Thud"!
My head knocked the door at the entrance.
The students behind me giggled.
I turned around and smiled at them bashfully.
For some unexplainable extreme extend of stupidity, I continued reading the paper.
I turned at the corner and misjudged the degree of that corner and another "Thud"!
The students were guffawing this time.

I soothed my head and smiled at them.
It WAS very funny.

Sunday, June 08, 2014

“I remember once I asked Maester Luwin why he wore a chain around his throat.”

Maester Aemon touched his own collar lightly, his bony, wrinkled finger stroking the heavy metal links. “Go on.”

“He told me that a maester’s collar is made of chain to remind him that he is sworn to serve,” Jon said, remembering. 
“I asked why each link was a different metal. A silver chain would look much finer with his grey robes, I said. 
A maester forges his chain with study, he told me. 
The different metals are each a different kind of learning, gold for the study of money and accounts, silver for healing, iron for warcraft. 
And he said there were other meanings as well. The collar is supposed to remind a maester of the realm he serves, isn’t that so? 
Lords are gold and knights steel, but two links can’t make a chain. You also need silver and iron and lead, tin and copper and bronze and all the rest, and those are farmers and smiths and merchants and the like. 
A chain needs all sorts of metals, and a land needs all sorts of people.”

Maester Aemon smiled. “And so?”

“The Night’s Watch needs all sorts too. Why else have rangers and stewards and builders? Lord Randyll couldn’t make Sam a warrior, and Ser Alliser won’t either. You can’t hammer tin into iron, but that doesn’t mean tin is useless.” 
......................Game of Thrones Book 1 Chapter Jon
Samantha : I caught myself thinking about it over and over. And then I realized that I was simply remembering it as something that was wrong with me. That was the story I was telling myself - that I was somehow inferior. The past is just a story we tell ourselves.
.....................
Samantha: I can feel the fear that you carry around and I wish there was... something I could do to help you let go of it because if you could, I don't think you'd feel so alone anymore.
......................
Amy: We're only here briefly, and while I'm here I want to allow myself joy.
......................
Amy: I think anybody who falls in love is a freak. It's a crazy thing to do. It's kind of like a form of socially acceptable insanity.
......................
Samantha: The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love.

Saturday, June 07, 2014

I bumped into an old classmate at gym.
It's very cute that we called each other out by our full name.
We were doing Zumba together.
Being in that room with her, reminded me so much of our primary school years together as netball team mates.
She was the captain. MwH had always been the most calm and collected player in the team. She was mature beyond her years.
As we were dancing to the moves, I kept glancing at her to see how she was doing as it was her first time in the class.
Though she can't follow well enough, but boy ! she had the confidence to style her own moves and was visibly having a good workout.
Yup, that's the captain of the team alright.

There are indeed some fundamental things that will never waver.
Even though we struggle as human beings to try to make life go smoothly for ourselves and others, nevertheless it’s impossible to ensure that happens.

Whenever you experience any pain or difficulty, always remember one of the deep meanings of the word suffering: asking the world for something it can never give you. 
We expect and ask impossible things from the world. 
We ask for the perfect home and job and that all the things we work hard to build and arrange run perfectly at the right time and place.

Of course, that is asking for something that can never be given. 
We ask for profound meditation and enlightenment, right here and now. 
But that’s not the way this universe works. If you ask for something that the world can’t supply, you should understand that you’re asking for suffering.

So whether you work or meditate, please accept that things will go wrong from time to time. Your job is not to ask for things the world can’t give you. Your job is to observe. Your job is not to try to prod and push this world to make it just the way you would like it to be. Your job is to understand, accept, and let it go.
- Ajahn Brahm
"We're eye doctors."
"What's something about the eye that most people don't realize?"
"The eye doesn't see. The brain sees. The eye just transmits. 
So what we see isn't only determined by what comes through the eyes. What we see is affected by our memories, our feelings, and by what we've seen before."

Friday, June 06, 2014

Another closure post.
The victim's 9-year-old brother who had requested the policeman to pack his school uniform for 'school tomorrow'.
I am reminded of the time where my friend and I discussed a similar tragedy which happened locally.
The mother threw her daughter off the building before leaping herself.

Thursday, June 05, 2014

I am at the final stage of Kübler-Ross's stages of grief.
ACCEPTANCE.
I came across this tragic news from Hong Kong, via FB newsfeed.

# Police arrested unemployed 36-year-old mother yesterday for allegedly hacking her 18-month-old daughter to death after telling officers she had killed the baby. Investigators reveal however, the mother's speech was incoherent and she appeared unstable when interviewed.

Earlier today, the mother was transferred to a psychiatric hospital for further treatment, officers believe she may be suffering from some illness like postnatal depression, even though she has no prior history of psychiatric illness.

Police officers were called to the scene of the murder when the mother called the police at 6:40am saying that her son was abducted. When they arrived, they found the son waiting outside the flat, as he rung the doorbell but no one answered. In the apartment authorities found more than 10 chop wounds on the infant, Lam Chak-lai’s body and seized a chopper from the mother’s flat in Sham Shui Po.  They are now trying to locate her husband. #

The Apple Daily H.K news report even provided animated reenactment of the tragedy.
The horrors of post-partum depression illustrated with full blast terror.

I exhaled deeply after reading / watching this news.
This is my closure.
From CLY's perspective, I must say, he handled our relationship well enough.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I want to look my child in the eye, loving every inch of potential and pain, saying,
“You are my son. You are defined by your experiences and your reactions to them. 
You are defined by your mind and your body. 
You are defined by your kindness and your faith and your integrity. You are defined by your disability. 
And every piece of you is beauty.”

Tuesday, June 03, 2014

不要期待,不要假想,
Bùyào qídài, bùyào jiǎxiǎng,
Don't go searching, don't fantasize.

不要強求,順其自然,
Bùyào qiǎngqiú, shùn qí zìrán,
Don't use force, let it flow with ease.

如果註定,便一定會發生。
Rúguǒ zhùdìng, biàn yīdìng huì fāshēng.
If it's meant to be, it will happen.

The above quote which appeared on my FB newsfeed reminded me of my fortune telling bamboo stick I got from the temple early last year.
Matrimony : Still immature.


But You Didn’t by Merrill Glass
Remember the time you lent me your car and I dented it?
I thought you’d kill me…
But you didn’t.

Remember the time I forgot to tell you the dance was
formal, and you came in jeans?
I thought you’d hate me…
But you didn’t.

Remember the times I’d flirt with
other boys just to make you jealous, and
you were?
I thought you’d drop me…
But you didn’t.

There were plenty of things you did to put up with me,
to keep me happy, to love me, and there are
so many things I wanted to tell
you when you returned from
Vietnam…
But you didn’t.

Monday, June 02, 2014

Below is the excerpt of a post that was written more than a year ago for a yoga blog.
*************
I will never forget my first enlightening Shavasana experience. It was during my first ‘serious’ yoga session. I was terribly unfit back then and had to try real hard to keep up with the other more experienced practitioners. When it was time for Shavasana, I basically ‘collapsed’ on the floor. Suddenly, I felt a tear dropped at the side of my ear, but I wasn’t sobbing.

I realised that I was releasing negative energy; pent-up sorrow which I didn’t even knew I had. I had a mental image of a lost little girl at the bus stop. I saw the situation that I was in back then clearly. I could see what was causing my unhappiness and what I needed to do to move on and be kinder to myself. 
***************
During one of those Shavasana rest last week, I 'saw' CLY's FB messenger icon on 'active' mode.
I was disappointed that that should appear.
Perhaps my subconscious mind was trying to point out to me that my attachment with CLY was merely a gateway illusion that I had created to fill the void in my life?
Anyway,
I had another moment of clarity during my workout this evening.
As I was dancing Zumba halfheartedly, a memory came to mind.
I was playing with my neighbours.
I was very eager to be accepted by the group and tried my hardest to be liked by them.
But there was a brat who punched me in the nose because he lost a match between us.
My tears were streaming down due to the pain and yet, I stayed on because I still wanted to play with them.
But no one was in the mood to play with that brat anymore.
So, I walked back home, in pain and disappointed that playtime ended so soon.
This memory did give me some clarity.

It's time to let my heart return home.
Today, my favourite radio call-in programme was talking about traumatic childhood experiences.
It was quite shocking to listen to so many testimonies.
I'm thinking, why are there so many crazy parents out there?
Well, I guess there's no stopping in crazy people having children.

But the take-away message from this programme has to be the fact that those callers have survived.
These survivors are now adults and they are living very much dignified lives.
And they are on a quest to make their surroundings a much better place compared to the ones they were first introduced to as a child.