Sunday, September 30, 2007

For the entire week,
I was feeling really DOWN DOWN because the words of my ex-boss kept playing in my head.

Then, yesterday I suddenly recall what my ex-colleague said just before I left the office.

"You should never doubt yourself."

Am I going to be alright?
I have to be...

Friday, September 28, 2007

I joined a Christian meeting tonight.
During prayer, I closed my eyes and really concentrated.
Unknowingly, my eyes were teary.
Right after the prayer ended,
the group leader asked me a question, directing the entire group's attention to me.
I had to wipe my eyes.

So so embarrassing...

I really do feel helpless in all aspects of my life.
Everything is out of my control, even my own emotions.
And I hate it ...
I hate it that somehow, I'm responsible...
I hate it that it's my fault...
I hate it that I don't know how to remedy it...
I hate it that I have to remedy it...

Thursday, September 27, 2007

I worry.
I fear.

What if DEPRESSION , which has been lurking behind me all this while...

decides to attack me now?

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

Had another DEJA-VU.

It's scary to think ,

that all these...

were meant to happen...

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

I burst into tears.

I surprised both myself and sis.

She had this startled, confused, a teeny-weeny amused expression.

"Wah, imagine if you're really under a REAL break-up"

I was giggling nervously about my silliness too.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Ouch ouch ouch....

For it to hurt this bad,

surely there is an important lesson for me to learn.

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Tonight, during my mamak session with friend

- my mind was entirely on my recently made ex-job.

EVERY topic that we discussed, my mind automatically relate it to my ex-job.

yes, I'm behaving like I have just broken up.

Friday, September 21, 2007

I should have known

In retrospect,
I worked in that restaurant for 4 months.

No wonder it was the same smell.
Yes, I am no longer employed.

"You are not anywhere near Advertising."

wah lau...

It has been 7 years since I've cried this hard and this bad.


One day has passed.
All that is playing in my head is,

"nothing's broken, nothing's broken but my heart...."

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

the results of my personality test...

"creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant..."
- INFJ Jung Type Descriptions
couldn't connect the dots

He first wrote down the keywords.

Then , he linked them together...


Great minds think alike??
When was the last time you saw a grown-up man get teary over a woman?

He was telling me about a HongKong singer who was very dear to him.

He was an ardent fan since he was 7 years old.

He could tell me stories about
- her relationships with producers and other artists.
- her change of fashion and singing style.
- the exact year of her concerts and albums.
and of course his personal experience meeting up with her during meet-the-fans sessions.

Towards the end of his story,
his eyes was red.

I can't help but feel touched.
so so touched.

I'm sure many women out there would be too...
I was chided for being Immature.

I know I'm immature.

But to be chided by HER?

No way I'm going to follow her style of maturity...

I had a very odd dream this morning.
I checked it on dreammoods online.
this is what it has to say ...


To see the sunrise in your dream, represents new beginnings, renewal of life and energy, and fulfillment of your goals and purpose. It may also denote that you are about to embark on a new adventure in your personal life.

To see a rainbow in your dream, signifies much hope, success and good fortune in the form of money, prestige, or fame. The rainbow is a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Lunch was at a place as hot as hell...

Heat gets to me.

I was feeling really blue.

Wondering if I’m ever going to feel secure.

Was thinking of going back to journalism, when suddenly a really stupid piece of real-life journalistic news reached me.

Argh… there has got to be more in life.

Descartes - dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.

“I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am”

I don’t quite follow.
I can't connect the DOTS together.

There is this UNwritten theory , rhyme and reason to how this works...

But I just can't connect them...

It can't be taught... can't be given...perhaps a little direction (if u're lucky)

but it can only be


Monday, September 17, 2007

Mistakes happen daily.
I make my share and I don’t forgive myself easily.

You know, the NGs of the movies are usually very funny.

We would very easily be amused by the actors’/ production’s mistakes.

Why? Mainly because we know how it should have been, and more importantly, we know that they overcame all that mistakes and had produced an excellent work.

It’s a happy ending.

What about our real lives?
How many of us can actually look behind us and recap our mistakes with amusement?
If not, does that mean that we haven’t reached a happy ending of our lives?
If yes, does that mean that we have?

how to measure importance?

How do you measure the things that are most important to you?

What is the scale?

Apparently the number of years a relationship is formed isn't quite relevant, - so I've heard.

All the boyfriend-girlfriend breakups I've heard confirmed this.

Even bad marriages...

How do we measure the intangible ? the matters of the heart?

if we don't measure at all, there must be some sort of relative comparison.

How else do we know if it's important at all?

Sunday, September 16, 2007

I was at the traffic light.
I could see the heated argument between a very youthful couple in front me.

It was like watching a reality tv-show, minus the audio.

I met them again at the next traffic light.
What a coincidence that they stopped in front of me again.

This time, I saw the female leaned towards the boyfriend.
he then reciprocated the affection and kissed her forehead.

Watched 'Love and Honor', mainly because Yasmin Ahmad stated that she watched it 3 times and cried each time.

It wasn't bad, nor was it exactly 'good'.

But the title is really self-explanatory....
It's really about Honor... Love? a bit lar..

Friday, September 14, 2007

Mejar is leaving.

I have more than two months to say goodbye.

He was the first colleague to greet me on my first day.

He was the guy who introduced me around.

He was the guy who taught me the unwritten office rules.

He was the guy who amused me so much with his choice of iTune music blasting in the office.

He was the first ...

I'm going to miss him so so much.

The replacement has very huge shoes to fill. (taken from Devil Wears Prada)

I wonder what great antic- surprises from the new replacement 'artist' awaits me ...

It's something I have to look forward to.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

I don't do well with changes.

And yet, the only thing that is certain


The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.

The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.

And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.

Elie Wiesel - Romanian-born author.
I had dinner with two college friends.

I was sipping tea like it's my last meal on earth.

Last night, unsurprisingly- I couldn't sleep at all.

During our chats ....
I probed a question,

"where do you see yourself in ten years?"

of course we had great laughs about it.

But honestly, all of us knew ---

nothing is impossible.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

You hurt me.

You did nothing, but still... I'm hurt.

There is no rhyme nor reason to it.

And I hate it.
I hate that I now understand the song lyrics ,

" And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust "

Obviously, the problem is with me.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I had a plate of rice,

a bowl of laksa,

a bowl of tau foo fa,

a whole mooncake,

a packet of popcorn.

all after 9pm...

Yes, I was that...


Monday, September 10, 2007

I went around the office,

"I'm going to get fired, I'm going to get fired..."

You see, it has been 3 days straight since I've actually got SOMETHING solid to do.

I really feel like a redundant, very dispensable.

Of course, everyone is very annoyed with me.

In a good-nature way.
3 for the price of 2 - a common booksale promotion.

My books were priced, Rm8, Rm8, Rm8, Rm10, Rm15, Rm20 respectively.

I had carefully selected my books because I wanted the Rm10 one to be free.
But the cashier insisted that I pay the Rm10 and am only entitled to get the Rm8 free.
I was surprised, and I explained that it doesn't make sense.
What if I pay them separately?
Paying all the three Rm8 together - which is only Rm16 to get the third one free.
And then, paying the latter group which entitles me to the Rm10 one free. She would still have to do it my way.

The cashier said, "Well, yes... you can... but NO ONE does that."
"Sure they do. I 've worked in Borders before. And they don't even need to do so. The computer auto detects in order for this promotion to be fair to the customers."
Cashier rolled her eyes and just continued with my first transaction.

It was really very UNpleasant.
I just don't get some people sometimes...
It wasn't because of the mere Rm2 save.
I just needed things to make sense... that's all...
too much to ask?

Thursday, September 06, 2007

One of the staff left recently.

When the secretary updated the phone extension number directory, she left his spot as 'vacant'.

During lunch :

"Hey, who is this new staff we have downstairs?"
"Yes, and what an odd name he has."
"Yes, it's really weird... what is it ... err...."

"Vacant?", I answered.

They all agreed and proceeded to make fun of the name.

Wednesday, September 05, 2007

I couldn't stand the guessing games anymore.

I asked the most reliable, experienced, decent male colleague

THE QUESTION that has been bugging me for more than a month.

His answer was as impactful as a triple shot Expresso.

" Do you really think he's .... ?"


If this doesn't awaken me, nothing will.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Great quotes I read from the 'storyteller's' blog.

“How vain it is to sit down to write, when you have not stood up to live.” - Henry David Thoreau, 1817 - 1862

“Painting cannot be taught,” Picasso himself once said, “it can only be found.

“A man travels the world in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.” – George Moore, 1873 - 1958
Don't ever dare tell me that I can write well or that my English is good.

Today, I've made so so so many mistakes

- that I've disgraced my job title.

I ran to my colleague who is also a good friend.

She advised me that I should just toughen up and learn as much as possible.

She's right.
There has always been an uncomfortable courteous formality between us.

As we were working closely today, I thought I could use this opportunity to open up and talk.

"Do you think I'm weird?"

In a heartbeat,

- without even looking away from the computer screen.

I giggled.
A nervous giggle.

I don't know how to continue from there.

Monday, September 03, 2007

I had to ask.

I just had to.

My father gave very disappointing answers.
Words that I've heard TOO many times.

But, this was new...

"I'm just a man. I know I've done many wrong things. Let us not talk about reasons anymore.
Let's talk about 'qing' -affections ."

" Don't yearn for your family's love and acceptance anymore. Instead, love yourself .
You have the rest of your life to do that. And you must."

I gulped down the tears that were coming.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

Rama is heartbrokened.

Her boyfriend of 5 years dumped her,

saying that he can't make her happy and he had stopped loving her a long time ago... all the cliche...

Poor Rama, had to hold back her tears and rush for the pitch, at work

Taking toilet breaks to cry her eyes out ...

When she poured out to me,

I could only look her into her eyes and sympathize,,,
- there are no right words to say..

In my mind ? MEN ARE BEASTS !!!