Wednesday, June 29, 2011

In a Q&A, I answered,

"Only during rare occasions that I 'm able to balance myself on the tight rope and speak sensibly.
By then, most friends have left already, or more often than not, I don't contact them because I'm shameful of my behaviour back when I was unwell.
However, that doesn't mean I don't feel hurt when friends look away when we accidentally bump into each other. More so if they had known me before I had the illness.
It seems, who I was before the illness didn't exist at all.
The illness is all of who I am now.
Again, I can understand that they rather stay away, as I might do the same if I were in their shoes.
But for now, I'm in my own shoes, so it's understandable too that I'm hurt."

Splitscreen: A Love Story from JW Griffiths on Vimeo.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Taken from paulocoelhoblog

1] Anything that makes us forget our true identity and our dreams and makes us only work to produce and reproduce.

2] Making rules for a war (the Geneva Convention).

3] Spending years at university and then not being able to find a job.

4] Working from nine in the morning to five in the afternoon at something that does not give us the least pleasure, so that we can retire after 30 years.

5] Retiring only to discover that we have no more energy to enjoy life, and then dying of boredom after a few years.

6] Using Botox.

7] Trying to be financially successful instead of seeking happiness.

8] Ridiculing those who seek happiness instead of money by calling them “people with no ambition”.

9] Comparing objects like cars, houses and clothes, and defining life according to these comparisons instead of really trying to find out the true reason for being alive.

10] Not talking to strangers. Saying nasty things about our neighbors.

11] Thinking that parents are always right.

12] Getting married, having children and staying together even though the love has gone, claiming that it’s for the sake of the children (who do not seem to be listening to the constant arguments).

12ª] Criticizing everybody who tries to be different.

14] Waking up with a hysterical alarm-clock at the bedside.

15] Believing in everything that is printed.

16] Wearing a piece of colored cloth wrapped around the neck, known by the pompous name “necktie”.

17] Never asking direct questions, even though the other person understands what you want to know.

18] Keeping a smile on your face when you really want to cry. And feeling sorry for those who show their own feelings.

19] Thinking that art is worth a fortune, or that it is worth absolutely nothing.

20] Always despising what was easily gained, because the “necessary sacrifice” – and therefore also the required qualities – are missing.

21] Following fashion, even though it all looks ridiculous and uncomfortable.

22] Being convinced that all the famous people have tons of money.

23] Investing a lot in exterior beauty and paying little attention to interior beauty.

24] Using all possible means to show that even though you are a normal person, you are infinitely superior to other human beings.

25] In any kind of public transport, never looking straight into the eyes of the other passengers, as this may be taken for attempting to seduce them.

26] When in an elevator, looking straight at the door and pretending you are the only person inside, however crowded it may be.

27] Never laughing out loud in a restaurant, no matter how funny the story is.

28] In the Northern hemisphere, always wearing the clothes that match the season of the year: short sleeves in springtime (however cold it may be) and a woolen jacket in the fall (no matter how warm it is).

29] In the Southern hemisphere, decorating the Christmas tree with cotton wool, even though winter has nothing to do with the birth of Christ.

30] As you grow older, thinking you are the wisest man in the world, even though not always do you have enough life experience to know what is wrong.

31] Going to a charity event and thinking that it is enough to put an end to all the social inequalities in the world.

32] Eating three times a day, even when not hungry.

33] Believing that the others are always better at everything: they are better-looking, more resourceful, richer and more intelligent. Since it’s very risky to venture beyond your own limits, it’s better to do nothing.

34] Using the car as a way to feel powerful and in control of the world.

35] Using foul language in traffic.

36] Thinking that everything your child does wrong is the fault of the company he or she is keeping.

37] Marrying the first person who offers a position in society. Love can wait.

38] Always saying “I tried”, even though you haven’t tried at all.

39] Putting off doing the most interesting things in life until you no longer have the strength to do them.

40] Avoiding depression with massive daily doses of television programs.

41] Believing that it is possible to be sure of everything you have won.

42] Thinking that women don’t like football and that men don’t like interior decoration.

43] Blaming the government for everything bad that happens.

44] Being convinced that being a good, decent and respectful person means that the others will find you weak, vulnerable and easy to manipulate.

45] Being convinced that aggressiveness and discourtesy in treating others are signs of a powerful personality.

46] Being afraid of fibroscopy (men) and childbirth (women).

47] And finally, thinking that your religion is the sole proprietor of the absolute truth, the most important, the best, and that the other human beings in this immense planet who believe in any other manifestation of God are condemned to the fires of hell.
list compiled by Igor, the main character of “The Winner stands alone”

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Father started out a new job yesterday and it was definitely worth writing about in my journal.
But I just stared at the book last night.
I simply couldn't put my thoughts into words.

It's very hard for me to concentrate these days.
I can't even read the Reader's Digest, let alone a book.

Then, I woke up in the middle of the night, unable to fall back asleep after that.
Even the classics in the cd player fail to calm me down.

Definitely taking an extra pill tonight.

Tuesday, June 07, 2011

I was feeling my usual 'LOW' self.
When I entered the petrol station's mini mart, I saw a group of kids aged between 5-10 of years gathered around the tiny aisle of the toys' section.
Well, personally, I don't think the toys sold in a petrol station's mini mart are anything to shout about, but the kids were genuinely excited.
As I was desperate to feel 'something' inside of me,I deliberately walked past them again, hoping that their happiness could infect me a little.

True enough, I could 'feel' some of their joy and excitement.

Kid's joy are different from us adult's.
Their joy is so pure and free from the pollutants of greed and ego.

Thursday, June 02, 2011

I asked my friend, "If you could have a wish for your next life, what would it be? Beauty? A supportive family? Intelligence? Popularity? Talent?".
My friend gave it a thought.
"Well I wish I wouldn't be lonely as I am now."
After she had elaborated,
"What about you?"
I have thought of the answer before I had raised this question,
"Clarity in mind".
She smiled, "That's interesting".
It was my turn to elaborate.

"My personality disorder has destroyed me. I don't even recognise what is my true self anymore. For me, sanity is always slipping away. And the parody is, I'm most lucid when I acknowledge that I'm actually crazy. This fact continually crushes me to the core, and yet, I need to be reminded of it constantly. And it is when I'm lucid, that I bear the consequences and shame of my disorder. "

The pain in her eyes told me, she understood my meaning.