Friday, November 20, 2020

 I tried to commit suicide today.
I took the ladder, a long pants and climbed.
Unfortunately, the mirror on the wall collapsed.
Mother and sister came running.
They offer no comforting words, but rather annoyed at the mess I've made.

The fall scratched my right calf quite badly.
The suicidal ideation is still strong.

Friday, November 13, 2020

 The anxiety and panic attacks have worsened for the past few days.
So bad, that my sister and mother say that they can't bear looking at me.
"I can't look at your face!", visibly disturbed by my prolonged worried expression.
They know I can't help it but they are too burdened to offer words of comfort.

Last Monday, we picked Father up from the hospital.
What a relief that he can walk.
What a scare!
This morning, Father asked me to turn on the 8 o'clock news.
Father has the habit of watching the 8 o'clock night news. 
"Pa, do you think it's night time or day time?", pointing the bright sunshine outside.
"Yes, but it will be dark soon, why isn't dinner ready yet? Can you go tapau?" 

I couldn't handle this in addition to my anxiety.
I cried.

Sunday, November 08, 2020

 Another dream crushed.
I moved into D2-407 with such dreamy aspirations.
I had bought so many many things for my new home.
It's now even an address which I can easily recall.
But now, all is irrelevant.
It is now my ex-home.

The moment I'm at the door, I see the doormat which I had bought.
The door bell, the shoe rack, the table, chairs, fan, space divider, ladder, screen shield at the window, the clock, the rack, the air fryer, stove, slow cooker, clock, even just the rubbish bin bags mean something to me.
I bought all these things for my home, for me to be comfortable in my home.
I now no longer have my own home.

On a different note, my housemate T, all of a sudden has turned very nasty towards me.
It all changed when she took over to be the main tenant.
A person's character is best seen in times of adversity.
Makes me wonder what had I been seeing for the previous months.
An illusion at best.

My landlord handled it very maturely.
He even comforted me by saying he hoped to rent out to me again.
Such good businessman.

Monday, November 02, 2020

 I've been feeling very anxious and restless lately.
So bad, that I can sense that I'm being a threat to myself.
I went back to my parents' home.

The presence of others help dilute the darkness.
The distraction helps.
Even an unharmonious environment beats the cold dark lonely self-harming thoughts.

Today is my 5th day home.
Anxiety still lingers.
But at least the darkness isn't as horrific.

I had to explain to my boss that I'd take a pay cut in lieu of the current responsibilities.
She was understandably perturbed.
All of a sudden, I told my landlord my decision of moving back home.
I'm still very fearful of this decision.

My current worries seems to be burdening me, so much that even the dentist (I went for treatment) asked me, "Are you worried about the procedure?".
I just answered, "Yes" as to not lead to more questions.

Friday, October 23, 2020

This photo was taken with my brother during our family trip to Boracay in 2016. We went paragliding, cliff jumping and sailing together on that trip — some of the more exhilarating things I’ve done. While we have very distinctive personalities, we shared a common thirst for adventure. And I’m grateful to have had my share of adventures alongside him on many other occasions than this. 
Shock. Numbness. Guilt. Pain. Loss. One after another, and all at once.
All these feelings, crashing in and out of me since four days ago, when I lost my one and only brother. Some of you may already know what happened, some of you have only found out bits of it. Some I’ve wanted to tell since the start, but either I didn’t have it in me to break the news or I’ve been drained out trying to be there for my parents whilst sorting out the final rites without violating the CMCO SOPs.
Now that I’ve had a bit of time to grieve and process what has happened, it still feels somewhat surreal. Yet, I believe it’s a story that needs to be told – not for the sake of my brother, for I am now assured and comforted that he’s in God’s loving hands – but for the sake of any amongst you or your circle who may be struggling. Hard.

My brother had been stressed out from work in the weeks before his passing. He was a senior analyst for a global company, for context. While the nature of the job is indeed demanding, we are convinced that there was more behind this that triggered his depression. Coupled with the COVID-19 lockdowns, which have constricted the amount of physical and social interactions that most knew him would know he adored, things escalated with his mental health suddenly- unbeknownst to my family.
My brother took his own life on Wednesday morning, 14th Oct 2020, he was 28.

As I felt those waves of emotions collide with the tears and the heartbreak, I grappled with the thought, “How do I even talk about this when people ask?” It’s not an accident, it’s not a physical condition. But here’s the thing, it IS a disease – and one that’s creeping into this generation now more than ever. I’ve always known mental health is important. But I never thought I would experience it so personally – through the death of a dear loved one.

I plead with u today, if you are battling anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or any other mental illness, please seek professional help. Please tell someone, even if you think they’re busy or don’t care or you don’t want to burden them with your pain. It is NOT your fault. There is no shame in asking for help. If you don’t know where to start, I’m here – feel free to DM or text me.
And for the rest, please look out of your loved ones, even old friends and acquaintances. 

So goodbye for now, gor, until I see you again. Much love from your only sister. ❤️
Taken entirely from https://www.facebook.com/nataliekhoo95

Thursday, October 22, 2020

I bought this set of plants as therapy.
They were really pretty when the flowers bloomed.
The web-worms attacked both of them.
I had to trim them down to this.
Hope to see them recover.

Update: Now that I've moved I have to leave them behind.



Wednesday, October 07, 2020

 

These Banana Leaves-Shoots just wouldn't die.

People kept chopping them off, burning the roots even.
But they kept sprouting.
Many many times.
What an amazing will to survive.
The will to live must be a universal law.
I'm amazed each time I see the new sprouts.
They just refuse to be 'defeated'.
 Dang. 
I just realised these Banana shoots are like Phoenixes. 
Rising from ashes.

Friday, September 18, 2020

"Wow, you made this? It looks like a decorative cake !", I commented, as I stared, impressed with the kids' work.

As I continued with my work minutes later, I noticed 2 young girls hovering beside me.

I turned to see this.


Sometimes scary things are real.
There might be fighting somewhere, or people who want to hurt other people.


I want to be strong. I want to do things I think are right, even if they seem hard.
-by Cheri J.Meiners

Saturday, September 12, 2020

“I could never back down from a challenge. When I heard Add Maths was the hardest subject, that was all I focused on without realising that I neglected my other subjects. My teachers, my mother and my brother, they tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. They said, 'It shouldn't be like this. You should work equally hard on other subjects.' 
By the time I realised they were right, I had graduated from Sirius Scholar and was pursuing my A-Levels. That was when I was faced with the darkest time in my life. My family was facing issues, my brother was struggling too and I didn't do so well for my A-Levels. I felt like everything was falling apart and fell into depression. I wanted to end it all but I was lucky to have good people in my life who constantly checked on me and tried to make me a better person. I realised that it would be unfair. I was just 18. There were so many things I could still do.
 And that was the turning point in my life. I began to recall my life as though relieving the moments from a movie reel. The words people spoke to me echoed in my head. And I realised how competitive I was, how egoistical I was. Because I was so competitive, I created a toxic environment around me.

     I remembered Teacher Ivan telling me: “You are learning the hard way.” It was the pain of realisation that made me reconsider my actions. That was when I changed. I dropped my attitude and I focused on my studies and specifically, on all my subjects equally. My life instantly changed. I did well in Monash. After completing my Bachelor of Engineering, I pursued my love for Physics in the University of College London and was awarded first-class honours. 
    Today, I’m at University of Cambridge, pursuing my PhD in Physics. 
My teachers once said, ‘Ensure your personality, your mindset, your behaviour is all in place because eventually, the results will follow.’ They were right all along. I’m happy now because I’m where I want to be right now.” ~ Matthew Teoh, Class of 2011 Alumnus, 5 Amber.

Friday, September 11, 2020

I wasn't careful last week.
I allowed myself to spiral down again.
I feel like an unrepentant addict.
My last fall was in June, less than 3 months ago.
I missed 8 days of work.
This can't do.
My job will be affected.

As usual, I was suicidal.
I came across Leslie Cheung's funeral Youtube video while browsing.
I cried when I saw so many people went to pay their respects.
Devotion by his fans and friends of the entertainment industry was obvious.
All that love, fame and fortune couldn't save him.
His last words, "I have never harmed anyone in my life, why this suffering?"
I cried.
*****************
Two days ago : My housemate tilted her head, hesitating to speak. She looked slightly scared of the words she was about to speak. Her expression worried me.
"Are you ok? Are you sick?" she asked.
" You scared me, you look like there's a ghost behind me!" I replied.
I tried to brighten up the conversation by changing the subject.
Her expression made it clearer what a mess I'm in.

And again, I got better.
It's when I begin to care about the taste in food again, when the dirt on the floor becomes unbearable, and when I laugh again.
You'll never forget your first laugh after a depression drought.
And then, the desire to write comes.
That's when I know.
Mulan was also another unexpected good movie.
When employed correctly, 4 ounces can move 1000 pounds. -Mulan
Some say the phoenix is consumed by flame and emerges again.
There is no courage without fear. -Zhou
The Farewell : A moving story about how fearful the family was of letting the Grandma know that the doctor diagnose that she has only 3 months to live. The ending was a surprise to me. 
The Grandma character whom it was based on, continued to live till this day, 6 years after the diagnosis.

Monday, August 24, 2020

I went out to buy shampoo.
In the grocery mart, I spotted a man squatting in an aisle, scrutinising a packet a flour.
Instincts tell me he's troubled.
As I browsed the shampoo aisle, I thought,
"I'm so lucky to be able to buy a shampoo at whim"

I went to a clothes-swapping event,
As I browsed at a majority of the clothes which I can't wear, I thought,
"They are so pretty," without any hint of envy but rather pure admiration for the artistic beauty in those clothes.

When I was watching NHK's Great Race. A couple who lost their only child to eating disorder, was in the race. Running the race helps them in dealing with the pain. "I can feel my daughter's presence," she said. I cried when a group of young local girls encouraged her during the race.
 I felt inspired and thought,
"It's time I start exercising. Not many how little or slow," and I did.

I watched Maru-Chan's Cafe, and felt humbled and in awe in the proprietor of the cafe.
Maru-Chan lost her daughter in a traffic accident. Now, she transfer the intensity of the hurt she's carrying into her work in making her cafe a community refuge for all ages.
Anybody can have a proper meal in her cafe in exchange for simple chores.
This exchange creates a strong sense of belonging among her patrons.

I experienced all the above positive feelings and yet,
I still would welcome death with open arms.
Passive suicidal, they call it.

Sunday, August 23, 2020

 

Watched At Cafe 6 by accident.
This movie plot had an unexpected twist in the ending.
I had the inkling very early though.
The moment he stood his best friend up, 
I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.

The moment he asked his ex the question and cried but pretended to be ok with the response.
I knew he had made a resolute decision.
The moment he started recounting his regrets, I knew.
I knew.
Oh no, his decision is a tragic one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this eerily strong sense of familiarity.

Saturday, August 22, 2020

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 
fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...
Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

Saturday, August 08, 2020

 at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,  

James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.

And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination. 

Sanjiv Daevin with his long-time musician friend Eddie Zachariah (right) on their way to an international music festival. 
 That’s what made it so difficult for Zachariah when he heard the news that his “partner-in-crime” was found dead by the police on Monday, after falling from his 12th-floor condominium in Bandar Kinrara, Serdang. 
 Zachariah told Malay Mail that he was gutted when he found out what had happened and still cannot imagine that his bright-smiled friend would ever take his own life. 
 “It was a really big, terrible shock. We were very, very close and had so many good times together. We spoke a few weeks ago and everything was fine. He was normal and we were even making plans to go out one of these days,” said Zachariah. 
 “On Sunday night he was with some of his former pilot crew members, and they were shocked as well when they heard because when they parted ways he seemed fine and even said that he would catch up with them soon. 
But the next day it happened. “That’s the big question mark that’s hanging. He never showed any signs of depression or sadness. That’s the thing that is so hard to accept.”
Sanjiv, 35, used to work as a pilot for AirAsia, before being let go during the MCO, and was also an extremely skilled musician who could play seven different instruments as well as a qualified music instructor at Music Mart in Petaling Jaya.

Zachariah said that while he is devastated by Sanjiv’s passing, he is determined to remember his old friend for all of his positive traits, saying that Sanjiv was always a kind friend and intelligent musician.
“He was a real go-getter. Since he was young, whenever he puts his mind to something, he really does it,” said Zachariah.
“He spent one year in Germany and could speak fluent German by the end of it. He studied and graduated in IT and then pursued his dream of becoming a pilot. After three years at AirAsia, he became a captain, but he would still perform gigs with us.”

He added that Sanjiv was also very professional and disciplined when it came to his work.
“All his friends at AirAsia said that Sanjiv was a real pro, who lived to work. And he really cared about his job too because whenever he has an upcoming flight he’ll tell me he can’t come out for drinks. But as soon as he has some time off, he will call me out,” said Zachariah.

Zachariah also said that Sanjiv used to love spending time outdoors and would go road cycling with his friends every weekend.
Edwin Nathaniel, APU leader and also a good friend of Sanjiv’s, fondly remembers how Sanjiv took over his sister Sujatha’s place in APU all those years ago.
 
Last Tuesday my son Johan Alam came home and sat with me and his sister in the hall. Then he cried.
He had just returned from the wake of Sanjiv Daevin, 35, who had fallen to his death a day earlier.They became pals more than 10 years ago when they were course mates at Malaysian Flying Academy in Malacca.

One thing Johan said that struck me like an arrow through the heart was, “It could have been me.”
“Why didn’t Sanjiv call someone?” Johan asked. “Yes, he lost his job but life was still fine for him.”

But then we never know. We always assume that things are okay because people with personal problems or depression hardly ever reveal much to others.
When Johan and his friends left the wake after paying their respects, they agreed that it is absolutely vital for them to keep in touch regularly. They also agreed to talk to each other if any of them has problems.

Sanjiv, also a talented musician, was retrenched from his piloting job a few months ago but those close to him didn’t realise the extent of his stress.
Sanjiv had even been to our house those days. He would even car pool with Johan once a while to go back to Malacca.

They went separate ways after flying school and hardly contacted each other then on.
We need to be more alert to what our loved ones (including friends) are going through and be ready to listen and help.

Johan, while friendly with everyone, is not generous with words when describing and assessing people. But in Sanjiv, he said he has lost a wonderful friend. That says a lot about the great guy Sanjiv was.

Thursday, August 06, 2020

It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama

I just love these stories that are told in the movie.
1.The boy who fed on nightmares.
"All my bad memories are gone. But why can't I be happy?"
"Hurtful painful memories, memories of deep regret,
Memories of hurting others, of being hurt, 
of being abandoned,
Only those with such memories buried in their hearts
become stronger, more compassionate.
and emotionally resilient.
And only these people can feel true happiness.
Remember it all and live despite of it.
If not, you will always be the kid whose emotional soul never grows.
2.The cheerful Dog.
 During the day, while people are out and about, he is always so cheerful and vibrant! 
Come nightfall, he ends up crying and whining, wishing to run free and play in the field. 
A voice within him says: “Why not cut the leash and go enjoy?” 
At that moment, the dog realized that he doesn’t know how to escape his leash because he’s been so used to being tied to the tree, and he simply does not know what to do anymore.
3. The Masked boy, Empty-Can girl and Boxed boy search for their real faces all their life.
The Shadow witch actually hadn't stolen their faces, but their courage to find true happiness for themselves.


Monday, August 03, 2020

An old acquaintance from the ward wrote this in his blog 
走到这里,有些事是需要接受的,但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己,会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻,我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行!
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!

Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.

坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.

When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."

Sunday, August 02, 2020

1.was watching NHK's Invisible Homeless: People Living in Cars 
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,
"Tonight, do you wonder if there are any invisible homeless people near you?"

2.in the Korean drama -It's ok not to be ok, Gang Tae was comforting a patient in a psychiatric ward. The issue that had burdened the patient's emotional and mental health for so many years, had resurfaced. 
She was bawling.
The camera pan out the adult patient's character and pan in into the same patient who is now the little girl she was when the abuse happened. 
The director was graphically astute in describing the patient's feeling to the audience.
After all these years, she's still that little girl who is still hurting.

My tears inevitably trickled.


Saturday, August 01, 2020

Was happy to hear that Raym 's contract has been renewed.
Boss decided to adjust his employment terms so that he's able to cope.
Boss is indeed compassionate.

The cleaner who was I was quite close to, suffered a stroke.
A week ago, she had complained about headaches and lethargy.
I gently advised her to rest more and not work the extra shifts.
She even regularly took side jobs as a masseuse.
I hope she gets well soon.

Tuesday, July 28, 2020

한숨 hansum “Breathe” by Lee Hi
Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel
Like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

[Chorus]
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

[Verse 2]
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

[Verse 3]
Even if others think your sigh
Takes out energy and strength
I already know
That you had a day that’s hard enough
To let out even a small sigh
Now don’t think of anything else
Let out a deep sigh
Just let it out like that

[Outro]
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you
You really did a good job

Hold out your hand, wrap it around my neck
A little below, massage my shoulders
At the end of a tiring day
Even if the sun has already come up
I’m finally closing my eyes
 
I close the door to my day later than others
Playfully tickle my earlobe
Because even though we’ve been in different worlds all day
We always end the day together
 
Your small shoulders, your small hands
Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day
You did a good job today, you worked so hard
I hope my shoulders and my thick hands
Will become cozy comfort
For the end of your tiring day as well
I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours
 
Like water in a bathtub that wraps around you
With no space left
I wanna warmly hold you without any space left
At the end of my day, filled with awkward mistakes
You, my prize, are waiting for me
 
I can’t cry all I want or even laugh all I want
At the end of a tiring day but still, if I’m next to you
Like a child, I can whine and then laugh
Till I run out of breath
I’m not used to seeing myself like this
 
You did a good job today, you worked so hard
You are my prize

Saturday, July 18, 2020

Taken from https://aramajapan.com/news
Haruma Miura was born in Ibaraki in 1990. His mother got divorced when he was a baby, which is why his family name “Miura” is her mother’s last name. His debut was at 7 as an extra on NHK’s famous morning drama “AGRI”. In 2006, acted as the boyfriend of the female hero on “14-Year-old Mother”, which made him rise to popularity. In 2007, the romantic love movie “Koizora” made him win the Japan Academy Prize for Best Rookie. “Eternal Zero” and the Broadway musical “Kinky Boots” for his role as a drag queen made him a solid star with great success in the entertainment world. He was eager to learn English and studied in England for three months in 2017. According to some source, he wanted to stay longer but his agency Amuse opposed, so Haruma needed to come back immediately afterwards.
During the COVID-19’s emergency declaration, he shared a lot of information about his cooking on social network sites.
On July 18, 2020, he didn’t appear at the shooting site of his latest drama, which was set to premiere in September. His last appearance was at the shooting site on the previous day, and he reportedly had chatted and shared laughs with his costars. His attitude was the same as usual. There was no response from him when they tried to contact him. The door was closed. When his manager and the apartment manager opened the door, he was found hanging in his closet. Beside him was a notebook where he had written his wish to die. 

update*27/9/2020 - On Sunday, September 27, Japan lost another of its most prominent actresses. Yuko Takeuchi, star of Ring, Strawberry Night and most recently, the Hulu series Miss Sherlock, was found dead this Sunday in her apartment in an apparent suicide. She was 40. 
Born in 1980 in Saitama Prefecture, Takeuchi debuted in 1996 with a TV drama role and has since starred in dozens of TV dramas and films, including NHK’s 1999 morning series “Asuka,” in which she played the leading role. Takeuchi has won multiple awards for her acting, including the Japanese Academy Award for best actress in a leading role for “Yomigaeri” (Resurrection, 2003), “Ima Ai ni Yukimasu” (Be with You, 2004) and “Haru no Yuki” (Snow of Spring, 2005). Recently, she also starred in The Confidence Man JP: The Movie and The Confidence Man JP: Episode of the Princess along co-star Haruma Miura who tragically took his own life in July this year. 
Even a photo taken in Ikea looks like it's straight out of a magazine.

 The home where everyone is.

Collection of happy moments.

Thursday, July 16, 2020

Tuesday, July 14, 2020

This is a great quote from puttingham.

是的,在这世上,有很多很多人会因为我这问题而离开我。没关系的,真的没有关系。只要有几个人好好爱我就已足够,若没有的话,自己一定要好好爱自己。精神病患者也是有尊严的,不需乞求他人的怜爱而失去了尊严。
Shì de, zài zhè shìshàng, yǒu hěnduō hěnduō rén huì yīnwèi wǒ zhè wèntí ér líkāi wǒ. Méiguānxì de, zhēn de méiyǒu guānxì. Zhǐyào yǒu jǐ gèrén hǎohǎo ài wǒ jiù yǐ zúgòu, ruò méiyǒu dehuà, zìjǐ yīdìng yào hǎohǎo ài zìjǐ. Jīngshénbìng huànzhě yěshì yǒu zūnyán de, bù xū qǐqiú tārén de lián'ài ér shīqùle zūnyán.

Yes, many people in this world will leave me because of my problem. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. As long as there are a few people who love me well, it is enough. If not, you must love yourself well. People with mental illnesses have dignity too and do not need to lose ourself, begging for compassion from others.
So sorry to see her go.........bye Fira

Sunday, July 05, 2020

My dear self, Thank you and goodnight.

謝謝你很努力
Thank you for your efforts
謝謝自己沒放棄
My dear self, Thank you  for not giving up
謝謝你一路堅持到這裡
Thank you for persevering through
太陽依舊會升起
The sun will still rise
希望永遠不滅熄
The flame of hope will always continue
晚安了 親愛的自己
Goodnight, my dear self.

還能大口呼吸,就是幸福的
Every breath is a blessing
還能睜開眼睛,希望就能夠看見的
Hope is always available when we open our eyes,
雖然步伐是小了一點
Your pace may be slow
但我一定會走向前
But you are still moving forward
幸福得更努力一些
Continue with passion

還能夠說感謝,就一直掛嘴邊
Give thanks daily
還能夠有夢想,就要更勇敢的去追
If you can still dream, have the courage to pursue it
我親愛的寶貝,我知道你會累
My dear little one, I know you will tire
生命很困難,但記得要勇敢
Life is hard, but you must be brave

月光依然美麗
The night is still beautiful
好像每一個你
as beautiful as yourself
晚安了親愛的自己
Goodnight my dear self

Ella 陳嘉樺【晚安歌 Goodnight】Official MV

Tuesday, June 23, 2020

There was a group of little children playing hide and seek in the playground of the apartment.
A little toddler caught my eye.
She doesn't know what's going on but she's happy that her siblings were so excited and that she's also part of the game.
The way the toddler looked at her older sister was priceless.
An unfathomable but trusting joy...

I learnt that Raym is leaving the company.
"I've been made redundant," he so honestly put it.
I felt so bad for him.
He is the type of man who'd tell you how blessed he was to be given a lift home,
 instead of how someone had knocked his car by accident, causing him terrible inconvenience though no fault of his own.
He's the type who always focus on positive because he genuinely believes that he'd feel closer to God this way.
A faithful heart is a grateful heart.

"Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this period will enable me to spend more time with my ageing parents," he said.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.

Kim Dae-o, https://www.theguardian.com/
Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.15 GMTLast modified on Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.57 GMT

I have reported on 30 Korean celebrity suicides. The blame game never changes
I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a K-drama actor or K-pop celebrity.

On a hot August day in 2008, I was invited to appear on a TV entertainment programme hosted by actor Ahn Jae-hwan. I noticed Ahn was behaving oddly, walking nervously around the studio whenever he was off camera. He was running a business on the side, and it wasn’t doing well. He was inundated with complaints and had become the target of an online boycott and malicious comments.

I was very worried and mentioned my concern to an actress who was an old friend. “I am worried he might choose to end it all,” I told her. My actor friend said she knew his problems and that his friends and colleagues were trying to help him. Later that month Ahn took his own life.

On the day they found him, the actor and I went to the hospital where his body had been taken. She was in such a state of shock that she was unable to walk properly. The waiting photographers caught all of this. The photos ran with the caption: “Actress in shock at not being able to get the money back from dead actor.” She and other people in the industry had loaned Ahn money but the media portrayed them as loan sharks. People were looking for someone to blame for Ahn’s death, and she was the easiest target.

That actor was Choi Jin-sil, then one of the most in-demand women in the industry. Forty days after Ahn killed himself, Choi took her own life. I and a few other people had been out drinking with her just four hours before she died. I had heard her last words: “As the victim of internet hate I don’t think abusive comments should be allowed,” she had said. “I want to campaign to stop them, retire from entertainment and do charity work, like Audrey Hepburn. I’m tired of it all.”

I found out about her death at 5am the next day from her younger brother, Choi Jin-young, an actor and singer.

When I arrived at Choi’s funeral, her younger brother started hitting me, crying: “You promised to protect my sister! Why couldn’t you?” Two years later, in March 2010, he too killed himself. Three years later, in January 2013, Choi Jin-sil’s ex-husband and the father of their two children, the former baseball player Cho Seong-min, also took his own life. He had become the target of online abuse in the wake of Choi Jin-sil’s death.

Six years later, little has changed, and there has been another spike in high-profile suicides. Sulli was found dead in October, Goo Hara in November and Cha In Ha in December.

Whatever change there has been has made matters worse. I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a South Korean celebrity.

Suicide is not confined to South Korea’s entertainment industry, of course. I have reported on the scene for the past 30 years, covering 30 suicides, and I can say with absolute certainty that this is a problem for everyone in South Korean society. The statistics speak for themselves. More South Koreans kill themselves than people in other OECD countries. The figures for 2019 have yet to be published, but everyone predicts South Korea will come top yet again.

I can’t explain why so many South Korean entertainers have taken their own lives. We can’t pretend to know each motivation, whether it be money problems, relationships, family issues, declining popularity, online abuse, or any number of other factors. Attempting to explain each death would just encourage the trolls.The Korean Association of Journalists’ guidelines advise reporters not to reveal the methods people use to take their own lives, or to mention the location and motive.


When Sulli was being criticised for posting “controversial” photos on social media, I said during a TV appearance that she was seeking the public’s understanding and affection, and that her critics should take the time to try to understand her.

I too have become a target. I get hate calls, texts and online comments daily.

South Korean society obsesses over celebrity divorces, with speculation about who is the “guilty party”. There is a similar obsession with why celebrities kill themselves. Some of the responsibility has to lie with reporters who think only of how many clicks their articles will attract, even if it means spewing out falsehoods and speculation.

There is no easy solution. Most entertainment reporters have to put up with job instability and low pay. In some ways it’s no wonder some take such delight in reporting the demise of highly paid celebrities. South Korea’s entertainment industry itself has to bear a lot of the responsibility. It treats celebrities as commodities from whom a few powerful agencies can squeeze as much income in as short a time as possible. Many celebrities are spotted as children and are not taught valuable life skills, only how to sing and dance. The situation is worse for female celebrities, with the public more interested in every salacious detail of their lives.

We also have to understand why people feel moved to post vicious comments online. Our freedom of speech and privacy laws that allow commenters to remain anonymous need updating. At the moment in South Korea, someone who urges another social media user to die is fined an average of just $2,000 for their first offence.

Kim Jeong-hwan, known as Yohan in the Korean pop group TST, has died aged 28.
A well-known celebrity once approached me, offering to give me her “last interview”. She told me she had tried to kill herself several times. We ended up talking for three days. I told her I would conduct her last interview, but that it would not be for a very long time.

She was not the first celebrity to ask me to do this. I have given them the same answer every time: Spring doesn’t come to us from afar, but, even now, it is coming from beneath our feet. We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.
 There's a vending machine in my residential area.
I saw that there's money remaining in the system.
The person before me must have not realised that there's balance in their purchase.
The amount was enough for me to select this chocolate to be pushed out to the slot.
Yippee! Free chocolate!
Just the right reward for my efforts to have exercised this morning.

My mood was so motivated that I was prompted to shop for a pair of running shoes.
I have avoided being in large crowds for months.
I surprised myself by purchasing a pair in the busiest mall in the city.
The last time I bought a pair was in 2013.
I was fortunate to be assisted by a helpful Sports-Wear staff who recommended this.

Gratitude: Housemate made baked macaroni.
Yum ! Free food again!
Wow... I'm editing my blog till 9pm *glancing at the clock.
I shudder to think of my condition just 7 days ago, where I had just hurt myself.
I was lying comatose in bed.
***shudder

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Quote from the program, "Delicious food heals the soul from emotional problems," the local social influencer Pa Tue said.
"I'd rather be fat eating food than taking medication," he continued to laugh.
Korean movie - Fashion King.
This fashion guru taught the protagonist -

"Swagger is the only defence the poor has against the rich"


Covid 19 has affected many. This poor Ice-cream seller depends on sales outside school after dismissal time. With all schools shut down, life is hard on him.
(Thursday )-I decided to go down to buy some to support him. He charged me more than the usual market rate, but I guess I shouldn't mind it.
I was quite surprised that he's actually a foreigner, from Bangladesh maybe.
I've always admired these courageous foreign workers who risked so much to come to an unfamiliar land to make a living.
(Friday). I felt my day had improved since I ate his ice-creams yesterday, I decided to buy from him again today
Today - my day did improve. I actually woke up early today and exercised. Even made my favourite
local delicacy - lepat pisang.