Thursday, October 30, 2014

I woke up early to do a test run on how my mornings would be on a work day.
I planned my walking route to the bus station, and took note of the waiting and travelling time of the bus.
The moment I got up the bus, I was delighted to see a friend I got to know from church. (*I'm not a Christian.)
I thought, wow... this is a good start for the day.

Despite me deliberately leaving the house very late, (**It is a test-run afterall.) I was in awe when I was at the front of my office precisely at 8.30am.
This test-run has indeed relieved a lot of anxiety.

I had breakfast at a nearby place until the public library opened and I watched the movie, Lady in the Water.
I have seen this movie before and yet, it had captivated me once again.

Below are the memorable quotes.
Story: Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all.

Story: [holding Cleveland's journal] Your thoughts are very sad. Most are of one night. A night a man entered your home when you were not there. He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy. You were a doctor. I am very sorry for you. You believe you have no purpose. You help all that live here.
Cleveland Heep: Anybody can do this job, Story.
Story: You have a purpose. All beings have a purpose.

Mr. Dury: This world is about finding your purpose, right? And the only way is to find your own voice — you told us that. I don't feel like an interpreter. Is it possible that isn't my purpose? I don't see anything in these words — and I didn't before. Finding one's purpose is a profound thing. Sometimes it isn't always what it seems. What if these young men are not the guild? Look at what happened at the party. These things haven't seemed right since the beginning. Why are you so certain that I am the interpreter and they are the guild?
Cleveland: He was so sure.
Mr. Dury: What?
Cleveland: I asked someone, he acted like he knew.
Mr. Dury: What kind of person would be so arrogant as to presume the intention of another human being? Who has put this young girl's life in jeopardy?
Mr. Leeds: We can't just stand here playing make-believe. I wanted to believe, more than most. I wanted to be like a child again. I needed to believe there was something more than this awfulness around us, but at some point, we have to stop.
Young-Soon Choi: Mr. Leeds, it's time we prove that some stories are real!

I came home and I went grocery shopping with my housemate.
Had dinner, did laundry.
Chatted online with KL friend Sw and PG friend Shannen.
A friend texted me and invited me to shop with her in tomorrow's night bazaar.
It has been a good day indeed.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

"You're very brave and independent. I wish I were you."
"Hahaha. I never thought I'd live long enough to hear these words being referred to me."

Since my relocation here, many people did comment that it requires courage and an independent mind to do what I did.

Well, I've seen better.
I'm merely learning.

View from my room

View from the stairway

Thursday, October 23, 2014

I decided that lying on bed will just worsen my anxiety.
"Let's find something to do," I told myself.
1.Went to the hospital, registered myself, saw the GP, got the referral letter, got the appointment.

2.Donated blood.

3.Searched for the public library. Unimpressed, but at least I have another hang out place. Borrowed a book.

4.Registered myself for the public bus monthly discount card.

>>>the above was today. Below are what I have done so far.

5. Viewed 13 rooms. Chose the 13th room.

6. I arranged and met the counselor at the community service centre. Will call again when my work has started.

7. I found my way around with public transport.

I can do this.
My friend Wf texted me, "You will have enough space to reinvent yourself."
Another friend encouraged me, "You are the most mentally strong person I've ever known. You have been through so much. Don't let other people's negativity affect you."

I've got this.
My memory was severely affected.
I have become very unsure of my past.
I always ask myself - "Did it really happen? Or was it just an imagination?"

After this experience, I am now certain of one thing.
I didn't imagined it.
She IS a real bitch.

Everything happens for a reason.
I came here to self-search.
Now, I can eliminate one huge part of my self-doubt.
It really DID happen.
How do I know that?
It is now happening again.
Saturday, 18th October 2014
Alas, I'm here..........

Thursday, October 09, 2014

Entire text taken from 6 Mistakes We Make When Depressed or Having a Panic Attack
By Nikolay Perov

1. Resisting.

When we feel a bad mood, depression, or panic coming on, our first wish is to get rid of it as quickly as possible, to change the “bad” mood into a “good” one. This is natural; it’s how we’re made. But all too often our attempts just make everything worse.

Resistance forces us to think constantly about our condition, to focus all of our attention on it, to feel bad because it won’t go away, to wait tensely for relief.

But the simple truth is that you can’t control everything. Attempting to get your condition “under control” often leads to extra stress and unwanted bad feelings. It’s sometimes best just to relinquish control and cease resistance.

If we relax and let our depression or panic come without trying to control anything, accepting that they’re only temporary feelings which will pass in due course, things become much easier.

2. Feeling bad about feeling bad.

We start to have thoughts such as “I’m going to die or go crazy,” “This’ll never end,” and “I hate that I can’t enjoy life like other people; I feel utterly miserable.”

Our mind starts to add new fears and negative emotions to the depression we already have. And, as I saw for myself, these fears and feelings end up constituting the main part of our condition.

It’s actually your mind, not the depression and panic themselves, which makes each episode so unbearable.

If you don’t believe me, try this experiment: The next time you’re overwhelmed by an attack, try to simply observe it without getting caught up in or assessing it in any way. Just watch it in its pure form, without any thoughts. Try to notice which parts of your body you feel it in and how it comes and goes.

In this way, you’ll remove your mind from the formula of your distress. You’ll notice how much weaker the attacks become when they’re no longer supported by your thought processes. Give it a try, making notes of the results if you like. Would it be true to say that it’s not all as terrifying and dreadful as it seemed at first?

When you stop feeding your depression with fears and thoughts it becomes much easier to shake off.

3. Comparing.

“Everything was so good when I wasn’t depressed! What an amazing time it was, and how awful it is now. Why can’t I go back?!” These are the kinds of things many people think, me included, but such thoughts bring nothing but harm.

If you want to beat depression or panic, you have to stop comparing. Forget that there’s a past and future. What’s happened has happened. Don’t dwell on it, and instead live in the here and now.

Start with what you have, and don’t think about how it all was before. Learning how to live in the present moment will make your depression or panic much more bearable.

4. Asking pointless questions.

Many people spend hours asking themselves all kinds of questions: “When will this end?” “Why me?” and “What have I done to deserve this?”

To make use of a well-known Buddhist parable, these questions are as much use as trying to figure out the source of the arrow which blinded you: it’s just not that important. What you need to know is how to pull the arrow out.

Questions of the “Why me?” ilk just make your condition worse, forcing you as they do to complain and be upset about something that’s already happened. Focus on what will help you get past your depression and don’t bother with questions which don’t serve this purpose.

5. Believing your fears.

We think that because we experience such fear at the idea of going outside, meeting people, or going on the underground, it means that something bad is going to happen. There’s nothing surprising in this, because nature has made fear in order to warn us of danger. We’re made in such a way that we instinctively believe this fear and respond to it.

But our fear hardly ever arises due to a real threat. For example, the fear of losing your mind or suffocating during a panic attack is simply fallacious. Stop believing this fear. Whatever it is you’re afraid of at these times isn’t going to happen.

Fear is nothing more than a feeling, a chemical reaction in your head. If you’re overcome with terror when you go down into the underground, it doesn’t mean that something horrific is laying in wait there. It’s like a malfunctioning fire alarm—just because it’s going off doesn’t mean there’s actually a fire.

So stop listening to your “inner alarm” every time it goes off. Don’t pay it any heed: go out, meet your friends, get on a plane, and let the alarm keep ringing. Nor should you try to “switch it off,” as this doesn’t always work. Just ignore it. In other words, stop taking your fear as something real.

6. Seeking reasons for your depression in the outside world.

This is another mistake I made myself. I thought that my malaise was linked solely to the way my life and work were going. I believed that if I could just change that, I’d be happy.

But then, with meditation, I realized that everything I needed to be happy was inside me, and likewise what was causing me to suffer!

I was so edgy, anxious, feeble, caught up in bad habits, undisciplined, and irresponsible that even if I’d succeeded in changing the external circumstances of my life, the traits that had given rise to my depression would still be there.

In order to get rid of my depression, I had to get rid of the internal reasons that had caused it.

So don’t keep telling yourself, “If I get a new job, everything’ll be smooth sailing,” or “If I get rid of everything I’m scared of, there won’t be anything to be afraid of any more.” Your depression and fears reside inside you, so wherever you are, they will be too, projected onto the outside world.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive to improve your life. First of all, though, you need to direct your efforts inwards.
I couldn't hide my shock when she showed me the scars.
I knew that she loves wearing cardigans but I didn't realised this was the reason.

She shared with me her darkest hours and most wicked of demons.

My poor poor friend.
She told me her fears at night, just before bedtime.
So, I texted her a message.

"I understood every word you shared with me earlier. I know how the Darkness can torment us, all those convincing lies, over and over again. But you are not those lies. Look how far you've come. We fell and got back up. I know I will fall again, but I will find my way back again too. We are both survivors. I know it's hard for you to believe this, but the day will come when you feel , --Hey, I've got this."

Tuesday, October 07, 2014

I had a very dark, DARK morning.
I woke up at 4am and I tossed and turned till it was time for me to get ready for work
I have been very nervous for the past few days hence, I took half a Lexapro two hours before bedtime.
Perhaps it did help me sleep but it also made my stomach queasy.

My heart was palpitating and my head was filled with scary thoughts.
"People hate you."
I was very tempted give in and stay in bed.
But I know giving in will only make the darkness stronger.
I would feel guilty and ashamed.

I got up.
Indeed, I was right.
The day got better.
I got better.

I am getting better at this.

Saturday, October 04, 2014

I arranged for a group dinner last night.
Mn, Cc, Sw, YL , LC and myself sat at the Secret Recipe restaurant near workplace.
Just as we chose our seats, I can't help but was reminded that YL, LC and myself  sat at the same place during our dinner with CLY months ago.

Anyway, LC was very nasty.
I don't know what got into her, but I'm truly disappointed with her.
I really need to pay attention to my instincts.
I must believe in myself.
This Saturday will be my last BodyCombat session with Ax.
I've been attending his classes for approximately 18 months (my gym contract duration).
Today, during class, I looked around at my gym acquaintances.
I don't know most of their names, and yet, I said my silent goodbye-s to them.
Gosh, I'm so sentimental !
I asked Mn how she handles her workload.
"Your work is so demanding. And you have so much family issues on your plate too. How do you NOT get overwhelmed?" I asked.
Mn inhaled and gave it some thought.
"Well, I guess I don't think about the stress per se. I just focus what I need to do at the present. Mindfulness, you know..."

Thursday, October 02, 2014

I went to Sw's place to look for her.
In our last conversation, she was in quite a mess.
I saw Prof.M and decided to ask her about Sw's well-being.
"Is she around?" I asked, but I seem to have hit a nerve.
"If she's there , she's there ! How would I know where she is? Do you have something urgent with her?" chided the annoyed professor.
"I'm asking as a friend, as she seemed quite depressed when we last spoke" trying my hardest to placate the professor's emotion.
It seemed to have worked, as the professor went on explaining her agitation.
Apparently, Sw didn't make any effort in hiding her depressed mood at work and the professor is utterly disappointed with her.
"I know I sound very harsh, but she needs tough love !
There is much more to life than to just have a man."