Saturday, December 30, 2006

This is most probably my last post.
I’ve been introspecting my 25 years of life for the past months.
The inevitable conclusion = DISAPPOINTMENT

The greatest point of sadness is when you wish to speak but no words could come out.
In the end, we could just walk away.

Monday, October 09, 2006

Asimov's Friendship

I helped E buy Asimov's memoir and I found his thoughts on friendship very interesting.

Most friends are put together for convenience sake. We were doing the same thing at the same time. When that period of commonhood ends, the definition of the friendship dies along with it.
There are exceptions of course. Too bad for me, I wasn't fortunate enough to find/have them.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006


I have files of articles which I 've collected for years.

I was trying to file them into relevant categories when I surprised myself at the various interest of life which supposedly HAD my interest.

it's really funny.
Coz I was looking at the pieces of paper and went, "Why did I keep this?"

I felt kinda disappointed at myself when I recalled the reason.
Looking at the date of the article, I realised- I had forgotten.
Forgotten about the words and pictures that had inspired me, prompted me, planted ambitions in me, taught me.................

I had forgotten.

Monday, October 02, 2006

How I wish I'm THAT Yinnie.....

I've been mistakenly forwarded as part of the corresponding e-mail by this very vastly travelled family. I don't receive emails as much as I 'd like therefore, continued reading as part of their 'e-family'. Sad hor? Each time after I finish an email, how I wish..............
Hi dad and mom.
Got your emails and I've contacted Caroline Apt and they said they emailed you this morning. They said it has to be 7 days. If you want to confirm, you gotta place deposit. DO you need me to place the deposit first?
I've been really really busy. No time to email...Glad that you're having fun!

Hear from you sono!


Hi Loks & Yinnie,

Glad to know Joe Joe is recovering so well. We are in Slovenia capital city, Bustonjna., a very nice small city. This morning we drove down south to a city with hot spring, called Dobrna. Our group has 28 persons all old friends of mom. Has been very relaxing to travel with laught and fun. I have taken 500 photos already. Will show you when return to Melbourne.

Yin: if possible, go to Caroline and talk to them. We only want to book 5 nights instead of 7 nights. Mom is a bit worry. We are still waiting for their reply. The other thing is the phot frame. I have material and idea to make it. Hope that i have time to finish before I come over.
Loks: How is everything in China. Miss you.
Daddy Pines

Hi dad & mom!
So good to hear from you!Yes I will keep an eye on the apartment. I might give them a ring in the next few days just to get a confirmation.
I'd love to go to Prague or Europe one day! Gotta save up first! Hahaah!
Things have been good here. The weather has been quite crazy though. One day strong wind, next day bush fire. It's quite crazy. But it's fine. A lot of people are falling sick again because of the changing weather.

Oh, Jacci and Eng are engaged! He proposed last Saturday. I expected it becaue they have already started planning everything! They are getting married in April 2007. Very exciting! Jacci has asked me to be her Matron of Honour. It's called Matron of Honuor cos I'll be married. Usually, it's called Maid of Honour J hahah! So exciting!

So many weddings coming up. We just went to one last Saturday. And then 2 weeks time is Grace and Mark. And then November is ours. Then December is another friend's (one of our neighbours, who is Grace Luk's best friend), and then January is Mabel's wedding. Then a break in February, then March is another friend Juliet's wedding, and then April is Jacci and Eng! Wah!

Ok.. back to work! Hope to hear from you!

PS. Joe's neck is better. He's visiting physio to make sure it's better.


**************************************************************************** Hi Yinnie,
I will be fine. I got Caroline email this morning. I will handle it and send the deposit. No worry.
Have a good day. Do take care. Don't burn yourself out. Leave it to God.
Daddy Pines

Monday, September 25, 2006


Do you have ‘walking dictionary’ people around you?

I have a ‘walking motivational book’ friend!

I spoke to her last Sunday and now dedicate this post to her!

For the past 5 years of knowing her, I honestly can’t recall a moment when she doesn’t have any positive thing to say during predicaments.
Even when she’s the one who is struggling with circumstances, her well-stocked spectrum of motivational vocabularies are always readily available on her lips.

There are times where I do envy beautiful, popular, rich, smart, lucky friends around me. But that feeling fades away like cheap lipstick.

My envy for this friend?
It’s like Revlon.
It stays.

Pls believe me when I say..

My mother smelled something horrible in the storeroom. To her horror, she found that there was a dead rat hidden behind one of the many boxes.

As she continued to blame everything living around the neighborhood (yes, humans not spared) I was surprised to see many of my brother’s books in one of the boxes.

My brother has moved out many years ago and I truly wonder why he didn’t take the books with him. Many accounting, business, computer related books. There were even some company financial analyses/ reports. I could only identify a handful of words out of a sentence. I can’t help but marvel at my brother’s interest and his thirst for knowledge.

As I continued to dig deeper, I found some books that I could read.
They were motivational books and ‘How to’ books. Those books were yellowish but were far from tattered. Although I was amazed at the titles of his choice, the condition of the books were unsurprising because I know my brother keeps his books and stationeries with great care. Utmost care. Unbelievably utmost care.

Looking at the design and the yellowish-ness of the pages, I know that he must have purchased them back when he was in his teens.

As I plainly flipped the pages, I saw an old receipt that was used as a bookmark.
Anthonian bookstore! Dated 1989!
I bet nobody remembers this bookstore anymore. I wouldn’t either, hadn’t I have a brother who used to frequent there.

The book was something about studying smart and improving memory.
*counting with fingers* my brother was only 15 years old when he purchased this rm14.90 book!

Woah!... That’s a hefty sum!

Among the siblings, my brother is the most serious academician.
Back when we were still living in the same house, I could count on him to update me with general knowledge everything under the sun.
Like the rest of us, he was Malay-educated but he taught himself Mandarin and I could ask him to read some simple Chinese characters and translate some Taiwan jokes that I don’t understand from the tv.

Therefore I never hesitate to shower him with my genuine admiration for him during times when he’s down.
Sadly, he never took me seriously.

I also experience the similar feedback with my sister.
She was feeling a bit blue lately and I tried to perk up her self confidence by reminding her of her exceptional skills. Skills that friends and relatives repeatedly remind me I don’t posses.

“Aww, you really think so? It’s nice to know somebody feels so,” answered sis.

I really do wish my korkor jiejie (older bro sis) take me seriously.

Saturday, September 23, 2006


in my house.

I went downstairs and ... bam!! a 2 meter cobra startled me.
Dialed 994, no answer.

999, lady asked for name, house phone number and address.

20 LONG mins later, help came.

sigh.. my house ah.. what also got....

Friday, September 22, 2006


I joined (self-invited actually) my sister with her group of friends for a 'yum-cha' session.

Yes, my social life has gone so bad that I'm destroying my sister's.
*Ok-lar. Won't do it again. Not in near future.hehe*

I saw an old lady on wheelchair seated across.
I thought, "Wah, no nice of her children to take her out. Despite the inconvenience. Hmm, now abled-bodied elders also hard to get out of the house."

Minutes later, I saw the same 'grandma' lighting a cigarette.
Wah lau!!!
I bend my neck to see a bigger picture.
She has her own personal cigarette container. - aiyo, i also don't know how to describe it. first time see. it just proves that she's a 'veteran' smoker lar.

Anyway, back to the story. For the first time in my life, I'm actually happy seeing somebody smoking. Yeah, I know. The cancer stick will send her earlier to her grave, but she knows what she's doing. And she really looks ... blissed...

Monday, September 18, 2006


I was going through some of my old notes back in 2003.

I was thinking, “Gosh! 3 years has gone and yet I don’t feel like it at all. 3 years…. If I was pregnant then, my kid could be running to me, calling ‘Mama’.”
- yes, it’s obvious I’ve reached an age where the maternity instinct is blasting.

It’s very frightening how time flew and I have so little achievement to commensurate it.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

Opinions that unfortunately DO matter

Long time ago, a lecturer brought up the topic of ethical issues that occur in notable professions.

She used her personal experience to illustrate her point.
She testified the story about her brother mentally giving up the cancer battle after the doctor had told him that he had only half a year to live.
Her argument was- he could definitely have lived longer had not the doctor gave such prediction.
Conclusion= She blames the doctor.

I raised my hand because I thought this is one-sided story is very unsuitable for the passive journalism students to digest.

"I think the doctor was just fulfilling his professional duty to inform the patient based on his expert opinion. Afterall, our lives are all based on PROFESSIONAL opinions. Who builds the roads we use everyday? Who makes national policies? Who is to say what kind of clothes are suitable to wear? Ultimately we have to rely on the 'higher authorities' to run our lives. Blaming the doctor, is like blaming the teacher for failing the SPM student who later committed suicide because she was unable to accept her results" - this was the period where the results were just released, so, I used it as an example.

"It was in the examiner's professional opinion of the student's performance over the exam which ultimately reflects her intellectual capability. But why can't we blame the teacher for the actions the student choose to take?"

Till this day, I wondered if anyone in the lecture understood my argument because it was left just like that.....

Saturday, September 09, 2006



money can't buy happiness but...
Happiness can make money!!!!.
It's true, it's simple logic really.
People just tend to be more productive when they are 'happier'.
Also, because emotions are easily infectious,
People tend to rather be around 'happy' people and stay away from the otherwise.
Therefore, when you are happy you have already completed half of the core requirement of a successful business plan.
Good labour and market.......... you should also bear in mind the rest of the plan is unattainable with a sour face.
Sigh, it's not easy being happy. Yes, it's a choice. A choice like many others, - it requires discipline and conviction.

Thursday, September 07, 2006

an inspiration

I've had this blog-post in mind for months but didn't dare to put it down for fear that the 'hero' of my story might read it.

Now, being so sure that he won't, YIPPEE!!! Ahem, here goes....

The morale of the story is - Never judge a book by its cover NOR underestimates a person's potential/capability.

During my stint at the bookstore, an experienced staff (Z) had guided me a lot. I'm just amazed at his capability of remembering titles of books and names of various authors. Man! He's like the walking Amazon search engine for the entire bookstore.

The bookstore has many rules about arranging the books.. and I'm not kidding about the descriptive "MANY", it's like to the extent of 'redundant' and 'leceh'... anyway, this guy - He is the bomb! He always manages to comply ALL rules. That's why he's put the key role.

This is the funniest part. He doesn't look the part at all. Matter of fact, if you are in need of assistance and even if you see HIM standing by, you'd think twice about asking him for Márquez or Lauren Weisberger or some Nyonya recipe book author. But his first impression will fool you,(I was) because just name it! He can take you automatically to the, and I mean, THE book itself.

(Z) = if you ARE reading this, no offense k? Please concentrate on the good part. Damn! i really do regret telling you about this blog.

How does he do it? It's simple actually.
He has the INTEREST and PRIDE in his work.

Seeing him work, just makes me wanna open a little bookstore myself.
What an inspiration..............................

Friday, August 18, 2006


My sis asked, "Eh, that is new employee ah?"
My father explained , "Aiyo, very pitiful case, he had an accident and has lost part of his memory, along with his communication ability. He used to be an insurance agent. Sigh, now he can only perform simple manual task lar.."

My sister later told me that this testimony reminded her of another 'kisah benar'- another true story of relevance.
"HW was exceptionally good in mathematics. He once brought those little rythymic-blinking bulb toy and even tried to explain how it works. Stating that it's actually very simple mechanism. But after the accident, sigh, he was a whole different person."

I look at the people around me.
It frightens me that a person's destiny could drastically change like that.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006


My posts lately have been rather unmotivating.
I guess it clearly reflects my current state.

I have not been to any badminton games for the past weeks.

Both the psychiatrist and fortune teller have warned me about this.

Sunday, August 06, 2006


I had the weirdest dream.
I dreamed I was 10 years younger and am back in secondary school.
Suddenly a classmate gave me a file full of my favourite things.

The I woke up....
How weird...

Saturday, August 05, 2006

so, what now?

I surprised myself when I said this phrase to a friend,
"Neh, you know at that point in life where you'd think anything is possible."
"Ha? You had such point ah? What happened now?"


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

have some backbone

I told the my friend that I hate one of my superiors.

He said, "Hey, you can't think like that. If you hate people, how would you feel if other people feel the same way about you?"

"Ha? So, I have to like everyone just to make myself liked ah?", I replied.

*I know a few who pretend to be everyone's friend for this sake. It's reasonable too, afterall, why make enemies?*

I continued, "If you don't know what you hate, How would you know what you love?
If you don't know what you despise,
How would you know what you respect?

Saturday, July 29, 2006

29 July

Watched 'Lady in the Water'.
Hmm, M.Night Shyamalan never fail me.

You know, I think it's the lowest-budgeted movie he has made.
But still, it's just as impactful and meaningful as his previous movies.
I'm glad I watched it.

# # # # #
When I think about it, I really don't feel that life is short.
Our memory span is.

Sunday, July 23, 2006

not yet a woman

I bumped into an old friend today.
She looked very different.

After our brief 'hello-s and nice to see u again-s', I marvelled at her, thinking that it was not too long ago we were tossing the netball at each other.

As she walked on, I turned to have one last glance at her.

She has advanced fast into being a WOMAN.

I looked at my own reflection...

Saturday, July 22, 2006


Timing is everything.

I've been longing for it for so long.
And finally when I have it in hand, it doesn't feel like it should.

All I had longed for, was an illusion. I had believed a lie.

Perhaps if I had it the moment I wanted it, and not left it in my 'for later' list. Would it be far more gratifying then?

I won't be eating Ramli burgers for a very long time.


There are things I remember, and there are things I don't remember.

Because I don't know the things that I don't remember, I don't know which facts are more important.

Even if the latter should be more important, I can't do much about it, simply because of ignorance.

I fear more about the facts that I DO remember.
Do I remember them correctly?
Do I put emphasis on the proper areas proportionately?

The fortune teller is right, I think TOO much.

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


I must say, at the moment, SPORTS is the strongest unifying language we have.

I played badminton with Bangladeshis today.

Although we did have minor difficulties in understanding each other, there wasn't any uncommon mistakes that had taken place during our game.

I'm sure they did enjoy the fact that their employer sucked big time with the racket, and they beat him in all games.

A friend told me that certain people are just talented in sports.
They are very inclined to have the agility, instincts and stamina.

It's true. Those Bangladeshis only started playing badminton when they worked here and yet, it was obvious that their position in the court differs from their employment.

I really had a great time.We understood the same jokes and tactics.. despite being so different..Amazing what sports can do, eh?

Tuesday, July 18, 2006

Malu lar

I had a customer who wore this cool shirt with this message,

"No, thanks. I rather masturbate."

I couldn't believe my good fortune when this exact same customer approached me for assistance. I had to control my composure the whole time.

Monday, July 17, 2006


Just came back from a badminton game.
It's really great to have known so many absolute strangers who are now my friends/acquaintances.
I don't know which category to put them under.
We're not close because all we do is just hit the shuttle to each other over the net and yet at the same time they have given me so much joy.

Although we live in the same materialistically-demanding world, they have many times helped me mentally-escape from the 'real' world for the precious few minutes of game.

During those few minutes, everyone is equal.
Only your badminton skill determines who YOU are.

As simple as it sounds, I also see the naked truth about myself.
I can't ignore my flaws in the game, both technical and emotional.

Just as how I hope to improve my badminton skill,
I also hope to better improve myself as a whole.

Saturday, July 15, 2006


I was at The Star's library.
Flipping through the papers in the 80s, I was overwhelmed by the immense feeling of the 'old times'.
Assasinated leaders then still alive, history that were then frightful wars and conflicts, implemented policies then still at deliberating stage; the most entertaining was the advertisements; for movies shown in cinemas.
Ah, back then we had only cinemas, not cineplex.


I was shocked that the security guard thinks that people who work in the bookstore are 'smart' people.
I tried so hard to convince him that he could do the same work .
He thought I was merely trying to be polite.

This conversation reminded me of a previous one I had with a lady who wanted to take a 9-5 job in order to spend more time with her children but is unsure about paper work. No matter how simple.

You should have listened to my motivational speech.
Although it was sincere, upon self reflection, I can't help but feel that I was hipocritical.

I was trying to advise people things I don't even dare apply to myself.

Indeed, something to ponder.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Moleskin for your Thoughts

Moleskin notebooks are well known for their quality and PRICE that er... somewhat 'assures' you its service to you.

I always ask the WHY the buyers are so willing to spend such money.
And the answers are all the same.

"It's for my writing. My own stuff. Not any just other sort of scribblings."

Fair enough. I must agree. After all, didn't I persuaded AhKit to value his drawings?

But my mind was challenged by another question,
"Are our documentation of our thoughts valued based on the exterior condition? What if you had this fantastic idea or phrase that came to mind but your MOLESKIN notebook was too fancy to be available for your disposal at that magic moment, what happens then? What do you do? Where do you write it down; knowing well that if you lose that moment, you wouldn't be able to remember"
Have you ever feared that our over-reliance on the exterior assurance, might overshadow the depths of the inner subtance?

Wow.... suddenly so deep...
I should have this printed on my T-shirts!
Great excuse for bad fashion sense!! HAhahaH!!

Thursday, July 06, 2006


Have you ever felt like lyrics of certain songs were meant FOR YOU, or certain dialogues from movies were MEANT FOR YOU, or certain phrases or pictures WERE MEANT FOR YOU?

You are who you are for a reason.
You're part of an intricate plan.
You're a precious and perfect unique design....
You look like you do for a reason.
Our God makes no mistake....
You're just what he wanted to make.

The parents you had were the ones he chose.
And no matter how you may feel.
They were custom-designed with God's plan in mind,....

No, that trauma you faced was not easy,
And God wept that it hurt you so,
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you'd grow.
..............Russell Kelfer

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

I no MC

I'm ILL.
Why didn't the doc give me MC, I don't know...


Still have to go to work tomorrow.

You know those moments where you just want to die?

I feel you....

Monday, July 03, 2006


I do very much agree that a person's character is best judged based on how they treat their inferiors.

Now, I come to a higher stage of character judgement which is,
  • under what circumstances do you label others as your inferior?

Oh come on, don't you even dare to pretend 'holier than thou'.

Each one of us do carry a psychological measuring tape.

I openly admit that I do.

But I constantly double check its validity and accuracy.

I don't trust it.

Truths & Jokes

I saw an ex-colleague.
She was once a very gung-ho journalist.
Yes. - WAS.

Another victim burnt out due to the establishment.

*Chuckle* ... The word establishment does sound fancy, doesn't it?

So does the word, 'management'.

The superiors in my work place are addressed as the , yes THE -management.

The word 'management' gives the impression that they actually know what they're doing.


No wonder Scott Adam's Dilbert sells so well.

The best humor are based on hard core truths.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

The right to have haunting memories

There was a series on late Sunday which raised an interesting issue.

The setting of the series was in year 2030, and technology is constantly challenged by emotional/ethical issues.

There was a case where the father wish to erase the dark memory of his traumatised little boy.

The mother, the abuser, the cause of trauma to the little boy objected; with the argument to the right of the mere MEMORY of her, good or bad.

In the end, the father won the court case.
The lawyer who won the case for him had mixed feelings.
She questioned herself, her own dark memories.
Without it, would she be who she is today?
Would she have been better, or worse?

Indeed, an excellent question to ponder upon.....

Monday, June 26, 2006

She Wrote back

I wrote this back in March.
The writer of the book I had reviewed responded to the comment my friend had left in my post.

Please read...
Cendolicly Yours: Seek first to understand

Sunday, June 25, 2006

Learn the lesson

I typed this months ago.

Now, I'd just want to add that
'you learn best when the lessons are unexpectedly taught'.
A colleague sensed my frustration and disappointment with my uni.
When I asked, "what can you learn from uni where you can't learn from books, or real life experience?"
She gave the question some thought. "Hmm, that's interesting. Do you ask yourself that question each time you are in a different environment? I mean, each phase or experience in our lives has its purpose and meaning. How do you weigh and compare them?''
I've asked the above question several times.
I must admit, this is the best answer I've received.

Friday, June 23, 2006


I saw an ex-colleague.
She looked very different.
So different that I wondered if I still know her.

# # # #

Dr M just stood up and walked to the restroom.
I whispered to the stranger seated next to me, "So, he doesn't need a bodyguard now?"
He whispered back, "Nah...My son tells me that he's always seen hanging out at Starbucks in MidValley"

Ah... things we never knew...

Thursday, June 22, 2006


Perdana for Peace forum.
Had the utmost great fortune to dine with two Iraqi men.

One of the gentlemen told me that the media had portrayed Saddam as a monster. But he reminded me that no leader is perfect and that we must not forget his contribution to Iraq.

Learnt three interesting fact.
  1. Iraq was the first Third World country in the 80s to achieve 100% literacy rate.
  2. Iraqis had free education from the age of 6 till PhD level. The Iraqi told me that his father only needed to give him money for snacks. He also reminisce the clean water he could drink straight from the tap in school.
  3. Iraqis had loads of intellectuals back in the 80s.
  4. Iraqi was united under Saddam's rule.

I asked him another question, he laughed.
He shared with the whole table.
“This young lady asked a very innocent question. She asked where do we Iraqis run to when the bombs come. Where else can we go? Just run home and pray the bombs don’t reach you.”

Actually, I wanted to know where do most Iraqi refugees go (country), but nah… that’s a good answer.

Ah… that nice gentleman loved our otak-otak. Funny, it wasn’t spicy at all. Considering the way it was served, I thought it was a localized version of lasagna.

# # # # # #

During the entire forum, everyone ,both the panel speakers and audience, admitted the fact that something is very wrong with the entire global governance.
I almost wanted to voice this question,

“There are men and women who possess intelligence, conscience and courage. But obviously they are not governing the world. Why? Where are they?”

The stupidest questions are the questions not asked.

I'm wrong

I was playing with a few veteran badminton players.
They were giving me a few tips on how to improve my game.
Suddenly, my friend laughed.
"Aiyo, you are gripping your racquet wrongly!!"

Other veteran players observed and unanimously agreed/were amused I didn't even get the basics right.

My veteran badminton player-friends told me that once I have managed to grip my racquet correctly, my shots will dramatically improve.
I was thinking.
I've been holding my racquet this way for years.
Nobody ever told me that there was the way to hold the racquet.

I got scared. What I had believed to be true was actually blatantly WRONG.
I fear for more discoveries...

Tuesday, June 20, 2006


high-strung (hī'strŭng')adj.
Tending to be very nervous and easily excited.
exceptionally nervous; easily upset; usually tense.
Example a high-strung horse. Synonyms
excitable , touchy (1) , tense1 (2) , nervous (2) , uptight (1) , skittish (1)
Crossref. Syn.temperamental
Similar Words temperamental , restless , hyperactive , edgy , snappish
Related Words overwrought , emotional

I have found a new word to describe myself.
I always seem to ask questions that don't make people feel comfortable.

I was at the MRC monthly meeting.
The speaker commented that most Malaysian books are mediocre, only a handful are exceptionally good.

During Q+A, I asked, "Is that a reflection of the Malaysian society as a whole, OR the Malaysian literacy state , OR the Malaysian publishing business?"

Cynical+Nervous laugh from both audience and speakers...
and no answer...

Sunday, June 18, 2006


Hey, I'm feeling a bit blue lar.
Have you been reading my blog for some time now?
Could you kindly write TO me?
I need some response.
I hardly get any comments/feedbacks...
That can only mean TWO things...
  1. You hate my writing very much (but why you still read; that's the 8th blog-wonder of the world)
  2. You like my writing but just simply DON't know what to write.

Presuming that you are category 2, DO DO PLEASE PLEASE write and tell me about yourself ... etc...

It'd mean a lot to me, Thanks.

We 'participated'..

We were really late.
At 7.40am we reached the junction of the stadium.
Runners were returning from the run.
It was so embarrassing to react to curious panting participants whose face displayed this question, "what are these two ladies who are wearing the same shirt as us doing in the car?"

My sis was utterly embarrassed and suggested that we should just turn back and go home.

"But we are already here. Aiya, at least take a few cups of free MILO lar... also, we can claim that we were here , wat..."

We reached the parking lot. My sis suggested that we should sprinkle some water on our face to appear 'participated'.

We had Yakult yogurt drink, 100plus, Milo, instant noodle and some cereal before heading to the nearest mamak restaurant for a COMPLETE Malaysian breakfast, where we once again proudly display our T-shirt. - claiming our disputable status as a participant.

Ah, what a 'healthy' Sunday morning. Sis is now reconciling with the bed.

I'm reading my free copy of TheStar newspaper.

We should do this more often. =P

Thursday, June 15, 2006

Bitter Better

I didn't realised I hate this place SO much.
The anger itself frightens me.
I can relate the movie Capote when he was asked by Harper Lee,
"Do you miss this place?"
"Not at all"- with a snicker.
It's true, bitter people tend to be better artists/performers/writers.
I hope this rule applies to me as well.

The Final Episode

the bottom pic-message is to the person who hurt me the most, NOT to him. The upper one, YES.


Scene 1
Friend A: Wah... you read a lot, hor?
Me: Not really. I just read more compared to an average Malaysian. I mean, it's just a habit not inculcated among us. Look at us at waiting rooms or in public places. We tend to just sit and stare blankly while having various reading materials lying on the table, on their laps or in their bags. It just doesn't occur to them to appreciate the reading opportunity that is available to them.
Friend: [????].... Oh....

Scene 2
Friend B: Is French hard to learn?
Me: Well, language represents culture. So, you're asking about whether it's hard to grasp certain cultures. Culture, being so subjective and prone to changes; it's really hard to place a grading system.
If a French or a Korean were to ask you, ''is English hard to learn?'' How would you answer?
Friend B: [????}... Oh...

From now onwards, I shall standardized my answers to...
"Yeah..." -- while I still have friends...

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

Kofi's view on WorldCup

This is so good that I just have to retype it from The Star newspaper dated, 11.6.06. These are excerpts from Secretary –General of the United Nations, Kofi A. Annan.

You may wonder what a secretary-general of the United Nations is doing writing about football. But in fact, the World Cup makes us at the United Nations green with envy.
You could even say it’s more universal. FIFA has 207 members; we have only 191.But here are far better reasons to be envious.
First, the World Cup is an event in which everybody knows where their teams stands, and what it did to get there. They know who scored and how and in what minute of the game; they know who missed the open goal; they know who saved the penalty.
I wish we had more of that sort of competition in the family of nations. Countries openly vying for the best standing in the table of respect for human rights, and trying to outdo one another in child survival rates or enrolment in secondary education.
States parading their performance for all the world to see. Governments being held accountable for what actions led them to that result.
Second, the World Cup is an event that everybody on the planet loves talking about, dissecting what their team did right, and what it could have done differently.
People sitting in cafes anywhere from Buenos Aires to Beijing debate the finer points of games endlessly, revealing an intimate knowledge not only of their own national teams but of many of the others too, expressing themselves on the subject with as much clarity as passion. Normally tongue-tied teenagers suddenly become eloquent, confident, and dazzling analytical experts.
Third, the World Cup is an event that takes place on a level playing field, where every country has a chance to participate on equal terms. Only two commodities matter in this game: talent and teamwork.
Fourth, the World Cup is an event that illustrates the benefits of cross pollination between peoples and countries. More and more national teams now welcome coaches from other countries, who bring new ways of thinking and playing. The same goes for the increasing number of players who, between World Cups, represent clubs away from home. They inject new qualities into their new team, grow from the experience, and are able to contribute even more their home side when they return. In the process, they often become heroes in their adopted countries- helping to open hearts and broaden minds.
I wish it were equally plain for all to see that human migration in general can create triple gains – for migrants, for their countries of origin and for the societies that receive them.
That migrants not only build better lives for themselves and their families, but are also agents of development- economic, social and cultural - in the homelands they inspire through newly won ideas and know-how when they return.

Which brings me to what is perhaps most enviable of all for us at the United Nations: The World Cup is an event in which we actually see goals being reached.
I’m not talking only about the goals that a country scores: I also mean the most important goal of all – being there, being part of the family of nations and peoples, celebrating our common humanity.

Monday, June 12, 2006

What my weight says

I don't really believe in those machines which couldn't possibly have the faintest idea about me could claim to predict my 'fortune'.

But this particular weighing machine caught my attention and I thought it'd be fun ... so... in goes my investment of 20 cents.

"You are about to face many challenges at work. Be prepared to work hard if you want that step upward."

I just started my new job. How ironic.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Friends Branding

If you DO know me personally,please pay close attention to this.

I KNOW if you're a sincere friend or not.
I trust my instincts to detect which category of friend you fall into -
  • 100% sincere; the type if YES, you'd said YES, if NO you'd say NO
  • 70% sincere; 30% merely trying to be in the FRIENDS' list
  • 50% sincere; 50% EVERYBODY's friends including the people you bad-mouthed about to me
  • 25% holding on to conscience; 75% EVERYBODY's friends including the people you bad-mouthed about to me
  • 100% the FAKE, and living in disillusioned about what the word "FRIENDS" means.

I KNOW... so please select a category now ... coz my branding instincts don't change after I've made up my mind.

Oh, Mel-D'jungle, you are at the top in my category ONE. ^_^

....remember our movie date!!

Wednesday, June 07, 2006


…and I will not let what I cannot do interfere with what I CAN do. – Edward Hale.

I’ve heard many stories about talented people leaving their profession or interest because they were BURNT out due to ‘politics’.

I advised my friend, “But politics is ubiquitous, it’s in every part of our lives. We can’t run away from it, because the presence of politics is merely a reflection of the nature of imperfection in mankind. Turning our back on our core passion in life, aren’t we inflicting greater damage to ourselves?”

He kept quiet. There was no eye contact.

His silence retaliated a self-imposed question.

“What about me? Am I running away too?”

6 Ws 1H

I saw your car again. It's almost 8pm. Work ends at 5.30pm. Why do you do OT almost every day? You live so far away. You are never late for work. So, your 40 mins drive home is just for bed and shower? Isn't there something worth leaving office for? What is it that I don't know about you?

This is really ridiculous. We were colleagues for only 2 weeks. Our end-total conversations wouldn't even add up to 2 hours. And yet, I've been consistently thinking about you for more than a month now. I guess this is just another item to add to my life under the category, "things that don't make sense" and believe me, you top the tower.

I don't even know WHY I like you. WHAT is it that I hope from you. WHEN am I going to admit that you are history. I wonder WHO in future is capable of making me feel half as strong as the mere thought of you. WHICH are the things about you are the facts, and which are the ones that were just fantasy. Lastly, HOW am I able to convince myself, that enough is enough; the ending was long due.

Finally, WHY am I posting this to people SO irrelevant. Whilst, ... ... *sigh*...

Sunday, June 04, 2006

Sorry Sorry Sorry

Sorry Sorry Sorry.

In all minor disputes or misunderstanding or discomfort, I will automatically, "Oh, sorry..."
Coz I thought, it's just a phrase. If some people's pride is SO... costly that they can't utter that word. I dont' mind treating them a few.

I use the word, "Sorry" so frequently that...

If you wake me up suddenly, in anxious tone, my first response will be;
"Sorry, sorry... what?"

My sis and ex-roommates can testify this.

But recently, I stopped feeling 'SORRY'.
I stopped feeling bad for things...
Now, my motto is...
''Hell, if you can't deal with it; Talk to the left coz you ain't right!"

Friday, June 02, 2006

Money can't buy CLASS

Money can't buy good manners nor good personality.

I went to MalaysianToday office a few days ago to collect a little gift I won from one of their many contests.

That place was about 15mins walking distance from the Ampang Park LRT station.
I was relieved when I reached the doorstep.(It's an office renovated from a bungalow)
It was noon and I was sweating like an ice-cream.
Just as I was about to step foot into their air-conditioned office, a lady who was reparking her AlphaRomeo montioned me to stay where I am.

I was confused. The entrance was wide opened. I can see the reception area and a nice guest seating place.
Why is she motioning me to NOT go in?
I ignored her and went in and sat down.

3 mins later, the lady came in.
Asked me why I came in when she clearly didn't want me to.
I told her that I won something. ( I was deliriously incoherent due to the heat + walk).
"That's why I asked you to wait outside."

AlphaRomeo lady called the person in charge.
As I was waiting, my sense came back to me and I thought,
"What the f___k is this B_t_h's problem ah?"

All was compensated when I held the gift in my hand.

Next stop, post office.
I held the door open for the person behind me, instintively.
''Thank You."
I turned around and saw an Indian lady flashing a smile at me.
As I looked at her again, I somewhat concluded that she was there to collect recyclable items for her own interest and wasn't exactly financially comfortable.

But believe me, she ranks much higher than that AlphaRomeo lady.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Open tht mouth

My mouth; my curse, my gift.

Many times of course, I have gotten into trouble because I opened my mouth at the worst possible times.
But there are times… exceptions do occur.

Was at Popular Bookfair. Saw a booth promoting magazine subscriptions.
Approached one of the salesperson. Just very nonchalantly told him about my current subscription with his company.
He gave me 3 copies of complimentary mags.

Was in a record store.
Wanted to buy two Cds. 1]Rm45.90 2]Rm 41.90
Although it was very obvious it’s a Nett-priced-kinda-store, I thought I’d just try my luck.
The guy unbelievably turned out to be the boss! He’s so young!
He gave me Rm80 for both.

Was in pasar malam (night market).
Was paying for a pair of shorts which I had bought a similar one weeks ago.
It was NETT price kinda deal.
So, I just complimented to the boss how comfortable the shorts are.
He asked, “Oh, you’ve bought one before?”
“Yeah, from you too.”
He gave me a Rm1 discount.

So, guys! Open that mouth!


I watched the movie - FORGIVENESS, the one where I was trying so hard to get somebody to utilise my free pair of tickets with.

In the end, I'm truly glad that I had watched it alone.
I had the entire cineplex to myself.
It would have been fantastic had it been a porn movie. Hahaha.

It was a good movie, and I wouldn't want anybody to tell me otherwise.
At the end of the movie, they quoted Archbishop Desmond Tutu.
I had Googled for some time and couldn't find the entire precise quote that was used in the movie, so I'll just have to type what I remember.

"Forgive and close the door of your past; not to forget, but in order to release self-imprisonment."

Nobody opened the exit door for me, so I walked out the same way I had walked in earlier.
The other cineplex door was opened.
I invited myself in.
X-MEN - The final stand; was on.

When I left the cineplex, I was wondering.
What if many of us have misunderstood our 'gifts/talents' for 'curse/burdens'?
What if we had allowed other people determined what we are good for?

Sometimes, I wonder why I bother going to overpriced and over-rated educational institutions when I can just watch movies and read books. =P

Monday, May 29, 2006

Lucky? who, me?

"You're really lucky," said my new employer.

I blushed. "Yes, I DO hope that I can make up this favour to you."

As I walked away, I was still perplexed with the word 'lucky'.

I have never been associated with that word.

I'm still thinking.

Saturday, May 27, 2006


Weeks ago, I had a heart to heart talk with a very good friend while sipping our McD sundae. (yes, sipping!)

I confessed to her that I'm desperate to have a 'relationship'. Just for the sake of it.

She asked if I have the EMOTIONAL avenue and resources for such 'challenging' experience.

Weeks later, I realised that she understands me better than I, myself.

I hate that. ( oh, my dear friend*whom I'm sure is reading this*, I appreciate u. Yah, really)

Friday, May 26, 2006

Just this

Of course I DID fantasize about us being together.
Could you blame me?

I even thought of pursuing you despite it all. Disregard all the Asian lady propriety and go for it.

I did. Coz I didn't want to look back and wonder, "What if..."

Suddenly, I was reminded of my dark past.
I have no 'qualification' to pursue you.

I have none to pursue such bliss.

I can only afford to wonder, "what if..."

Perhaps.. there is no better ending.
But this.

Thursday, May 25, 2006


I've been repeatedly thinking about what happened yesterday.

No. I don't regret what I did. I simply couldn't see other options for me.
But on the other hand, I can't claim to be happy nor proud of what I have done.
Honestly, I would have rather been fired, than to resign.
To render my resignation means I gave up.
And I hate giving up.

And yes, the worst part is STILL the fact that I don't sit next to my adored graphic designer anymore... =(

Wednesday, May 24, 2006


"Being a good man, and being a good leader;
they are TWO different things.
You Are Neither."
Those were my last words to my then boss before I walked out of his office for the very last time.
Yikes.. this will be very bad for my record man...
Well, ONE good thing did come out of this.
Mysterious graphic designer asked for my number and promised me to a movie 'date'...
I'm still smiling. *blushing*

Sunday, May 21, 2006

Fraud ?

There was a special report in newspaper on a person’s account of fraudulent paper qualifications. The fraud had deceived a local distinguished technology company with his claims of possessing four doctorates and two Master’s degrees from various renowned foreign universities. The deception went well for the employers because he had successfully written thick project outlines and programming codes.

However, the bubble was burst when the company announced his appointment of this highly regarded man in the newspaper. The press had requested for an interview and they checked with the universities.

I honestly feel that the fraud would have gotten away had he not been over ambitious with his position in that company. He could have gotten just where he wanted to be with just half the fraudulent claims. It was his greed and foolish pride that had blown the cover, not his incapability in his performance.

Thus, I conclude that paper qualification hardly reflects one’s genuine capability.

Friday, May 19, 2006


Showroom supervisor was clearing up all the old stocks.
Threw all that couldn't be sold.
I looked at the rubbish bin.
I couldn't help but feel bad.
I started picking up a few pieces.

Friend: Hun, what are you doing?

I just smiled.

I began putting them together. Then I used one of the 'thrown' paper to write down a message ferociously.
Friend: Wah... what you writing lar..

I ignored him.
Then, I put the note into the little pouch that was thrown away, and kept it in my bag.
Friend: It's for '_', is it? (He knows about my little girlie fascination over the mysterious graphic designer.)

I laughed.
I read to him the message I had written in the paper.
They threw you away. They think you are no longer useful.
How do you not allow other people to throw you away?
How to regain your self worth when others have sentence your expiry?
How do you seek your dignity, after it's thrown away?

Friend: Wah, that's real SAD.

I looked at him. Coming from a guy who draws only skeletons, devils, vampires and destructive machines with the dark hateful black. I supposed it 's a compliment.
I asked HIM out.
Yup. For the first time in my life, I did something so ... Bold.
So... western style of 'casual dating'.

He said neither yes or no.
Sigh... artists...

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

You ARE an artist

Office no electricity.
I walked around the office, looking for materials to read.
Noticed the graphic designer drawing, walked to his table.
He was drawing a real life dog, a collie, I think.

"Wow, that's really good."
As his pencil was brushing the dog's fur coat, "Nah, I'm just fooling around."

Minutes later, I walked to his table again.
"Hey, you done with your dog?"
"Nah, I threw it away."
"It was nothing, just playing around with the pencil."
"But it's your work! Your artpiece!"
*Soft snicker*.
"I'm no ART-ist, I just do what the boss tells me to."

I walked away, before my big mouth gets me into trouble again.
I'm thinking of getting him a nice little sketch book.

And... yes... you're right... I DO... have a little...
ahem... girlie fancy crush on him... hehehehe *blushing, covering face with both hands*

Monday, May 15, 2006

Talk only

"Do you feel that you don't live up to the fashion demands of physical beauty?"

"The painter has a very old soul, but his or her actual age may be much more youthful."

"This angel doesn't want to be here."

"You hate and love a women figure in your life. It frustrates you that you can't leave her influence."

"You seek loyalty."

I said all these while admiring some people's work.
All responded the same.

"Do you know art?" "Are you an artist/ art student yourself?"

Oopps... Err.. no. I just know how to open the big gap in my mouth. =p

Saturday, May 13, 2006

FirstDayofWork's BOoBoO

At cash register.
I was trying to very very gently fold the gift-wrapping papers in a bundle, when I needed to use a paper to put them together, I asked...

Me= Can I use this ah? (pointing at used papers)
Colleague= Don't lar, use this. (pointing at new paper)
Me= ( using the paper he pointed to wrap and said...) I'm an environmentalist ma... thought can use recycled paper. Must reduce paper wastage. Save trees , you know...?
(handing the very very elaborated gift-wraps to customer)*suddenly realized I've been contradicting my company's nature of business*
(face all red) Err... you didn't hear that... (grinning widely)

Customer smiled and walked off.

Colleagues and I laughed histerically when it was safe to do so.


Thursday, May 11, 2006


"Pivotal" too posh for professional urbanites to understand?

That's what my boss said. He gently reminded me that I'm not writing a business report, but just an Ad copy.

Now, I have to think what the laymen term is.


Tuesday, May 09, 2006

Young at Heart

Setting : Warehouse sale.

Sigh... boring lar. Nothing seems to interest me; clothes, shoes, bags, toiletries, etc... etc...

Wait a minute! My favourite Pick N' Mix candies!!

I excitedly walked towards the booth.
I noticed other little children also share my gleeful joy.

"Adik, ambik ni" - 'sis, take this'.

I looked up.
Nope, she was referring to the other kid beside me.
Ah... I'm TOO young at heart. =p


I thought I was doing 'ok' in an interview until the interviewer asked,

"Do you feel that you are different NORMAL people?"

*Die lar... I wonder if the other prospective abc company will call me up for interview? Hmmm...*

Answer anyway lar...

"Hmm, is there such thing as NORMAL people?"

Yesterday, was my first day of work.


Saturday, May 06, 2006

Investing sincerity

Our whole life is an investment.

Most of the time, it’s NOT the monetary returns that we’re after.

In our body, we invest in nutritious food, invest in time and effort to exercise.

For our mind, we invest in education, be it academic or non-academic.

For our emotions, we invest in entertainment, in soul-searching, in religion.

Now, what about our relationships with others?

We put in the ultimate investment;
Our sincerity.
The most precious intangible asset that all of us have.

I say sincerity is the most precious investment we put into relationships because it expects no returns.
We hope for nothing in return.
We expect nothing.
That’s why the return of this investment always surprises us.
I never expected betrayal.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Appreciate this please ^_^

This is another one of my effort-fully written yet went unappreciated piece of work ...

Should I be bestowed upon the authority and opportunity to change anything at all in this world, education would definitely be my focus.
Education. The education system must change.
Education is a man’s sole possession which can never be taken away from him. From the scale of the country’s annual budget to a family unit, the investment put into the area of educating the children and youths has always been astonishingly admirable.

Regardless of the socio-economic background, all leaders and parents share one common goal; which is to provide the ultimate best form of education for the next generation.
Therefore, I would wish to tackle this backbone area of development of civilization.

I would make sure that the children be exposed to various aspects of expertise in life. Like the Chinese saying goes, “Every field of study produces respected scholars”. At elementary level, the students must have their fair share of basic exposure to different disciplines such as art, acting, singing, literature, mathematics, architecture, engineering, zoology, sports, culture health and environmental lessons. The list is endless.

Teachers must be very wary and sensitive to recognize the potential and interest in their students. Not merely looking out for talents or prodigies, but to arouse the students’ passion for any subject and ignite their self-confidence to lead a purposeful lifestyle.

Mobility among the academicians must be regulated. The interest of the core key players in the field of education, the teachers must be taken with utmost serious care.
In order to create fair recognition of the teachers’ contribution, more independent governance must be allowed to the individual education institution, be it of any level.
Yes, basic foundation of national educational rules must also be monitored. But not at the expense of efficient and revolutionary policy implementation of the principals, deans or chancellors.

Independence enhances proud identity, creativity and well deduced-courage for the individual educational institution to provide highly competitive quality education to their students.

Government should implement policies that encourage the private corporate sector to play a role in the education field as well. Tax exemptions and subsidized advertisements should be rewarded to the corporate companies who wish to organize projects; of any scale, to the students. Once again, this would be up to the creative negotiation of the schools and corporate companies.Outdoor activities, charity work, field trip, workshops, competitions and so forth. The scope of their contribution is borderless.

It’s really a win-win situation. The corporate companies can instill a deep life-long impression unto the students and teachers, and advertise to the public as a whole in the media, all happening whilst administering the projects. The students of course, would be able to enjoy a well-rounded form of pragmatic education.

I would want to give professional recognition to motivational speakers. Their role has been misunderstood and even perhaps underestimated. I would want the speakers to hold a qualified certification to prove their credential. With this recognition, more talented people would invest their resources into this revolutionary profession.
As we all know, the best sellers of the non-fiction books are all self-help books. This area of study should not only be seen as a commercial entity but rather a noble professional field of discipline. Henceforth, every organization would want to employ one ‘motivator’ as part of their administrative hierarchy.

I would also want to profess the importance of books. How powerfully influential books are in our lives is just too immense to describe. Many icons of the modern world have testified how the books they had read when they were young had impacted their core beliefs and chosen decisions in life.
Therefore, it’s intensely necessary to make books easily accessible to all walks of life.
Mobile libraries, mini libraries, subsidies to encourage independently owned libraries, subsidies for book purchase and so forth must take place.

Realistically speaking, I know that I would not have such power. But the indomitable forest always starts with a seed. I am hopeful for the future role of education.

News of the day

Wednesday morning.
Was listening to the live TV talk show on Ntv7.

The hosts brought up the issue of the medical doctors who are currently serving overseas, and questioning their patriotism.
"Money is not everything," quoting the news on printed newspaper.

Then they moved on to the next news-of-the-day.
"Should the salary of police officers be raised, to curb corruption?"

I changed the channel and watched music videos instead.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

my ultimate enemy

I can't believe it.
History repeated itself 6 years later.

When I thought that I could do my best, FEAR paralyzed me.
The same sincerely-concerned inquisitions were asked;

“ What’s wrong? You seemed distracted”
“ Are you ok?”
“ Is everything alright?”

Third party comments;
“She looks scared.”
“She’s not herself.”

I’ve come to realize a conclusion that when a person is put into a tensed situation, a person’s utmost core unresolved issues come to surface.

FEAR remains my ultimate enemy.

Monday, May 01, 2006


Scene 1
Ma= *touching my shoulder* Wah, Hun. You have very broad shoulders ah… what sport you played back in school har?

Me= *looked confusedly at Ma. Thought, is this the same woman whom I have lived with my whole life? Why is she asking me this question as if we have been just reunited?*

Scene 2
Ma= Hun, ah… what word is this? *pointing at a sentence of secondary-school-level Chinese characters*
Me= Err… I can’t understand them.
Ma= Ha? I thought you know Chinese?
Me= Ma… you sent me to a Malay medium primary school and didn’t bother with kindergarten at all, remember?
Ma= Oh…

Scene 3
A newly acquainted lady approached me and asked me in Mandarin, “Your mum tells me you don’t understand Chinese at all, is it true?”

I wondered if it’s a trick question. But answered her in Mandarin anyway, “No, I can understand you just fine,” and smiled.

I seriously need to have a heart to heart talk with ma.

Sunday, April 30, 2006

3 day holiday

I was in one of my ‘my life is a piece of shit’ moods.
Avoided people like plaque.
Gave obligatory smiles and nods.
Was in library to renew books.

The librarian strikes a conversation with me as if we’ve known each other for years.

L1= (pointing at the other lady librarian, L2) Look at her, she’s laughing for no reason. You’d have to excuse her, she just got out of the mental hospital.

L2 = At least, I am officially released from the hospital. (looking at me while pointing to L1) But you! You ran away from the hospital!

Both of them continued teasing each other fervently.
At first, I just reacted by smiling politely. But looking at their antics, slowly my smiles were genuine.

I left the library still smiling sheepishly, amazed at how 3 day-holiday are capable of making people so... happy.

Thursday, April 27, 2006


I could finally confirmed my suspicion that WJian (the 7-year-old my mom feeds and cleans on weekdays) is spending too much time in front of the TV when...
  • he could hum every single commercial jingle that was broadcast
  • his vocabulary was all SmartShop rhetorics- oriented

Wednesday, April 26, 2006


You ever wonder why,

Smart people tend to act stupid,
whilst stupid people tend to act smart?

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Beautiful Sue

For the past few days, I had many ideas on what to post, but had to swallow them all back due to fear.
Fear that I'm emotionally unprepared to disclose so much of myself.
Fear that I might be making myself a bit too transparent; when the world I know is so muddy.

So, instead I chose this; written many years ago. A desperate attempt to submit 'some words' for participation sake.
It went unappreciated many times. I'm trying to change that.

Beautiful Sue
On her way home, Sue reflected what happened at work 20 minutes ago, “Well done, Sue!” her restaurant manager complimented the way she had handled the seating arrangements. Today was Valentine’s Day and the place was packed. The person in charge had earlier fumbled the customers’ reservation list. Though working under tremendous pressure, Sue knew she did well tonight. Every customer had comfortable seating arrangements, all food served to the correct table at ample time, glasses were refilled soon after two third emptied, plates cleared once customer had enough. She was particularly pleased with herself when a Caucasian customer patted her back, thanking her for the lovely service and slipped her a crisp RM50 note to her palm. With this extra cash, I can buy the boys some good breakfast tomorrow, Sue thought to herself. She found herself smiling as she opened the door to her flat.
Sue took off her shoes and put away her things carefully as not to wake her children up. Sue is a mother of 2 boys, Jake 6, and Luke 4. Both attend the kindergarten behind their flat. Her kind neighbor, Lee PoPo minds them when they return from school. Sue headed straight to her children’s bedroom after a quick shower. Looking at her children sleeping, she realized how quickly her babies have grown and the room would soon be too small for them to share. Sue sits at their study table and continues to admire the sight of her children sleeping. Her boys were sleeping so soundly, as if the illustrate Michael Learns To Rock’s song- Sleeping Child. She couldn’t resist but kiss her angels at their foreheads. Sue admits, after a hard day’s work, this moment is the reward she wants most.
Bang! The door slammed hard. Sue shuddered. Oh no, not again. “SUE! YOU HOME? WHERE’S THAT BITCH?” Sue ran out of the room hastily and closed the door carefully behind her. She knew what to expect. “Rick, please… quiet down. The boys are sleeping. They have school tomorrow. “
“Ricky do this… Ricky do that…” his head flung left and right as he speaks.
“It’ not enough that I’m treated like a dog in the office, but I have to continue obeying orders from YOU?” his voice roared.
Though standing 5 feet away from him, Sue could smell his foul alcohol breath. Ricky walked unsteadily towards her.

“Never, never tell me what to do in my house!” He slapped her hard across her face. Sue lost her balance and her back hit on the dining table. Hard. She didn’t cry, whim, attempt to protect herself nor retaliate. She did nothing, because nothing is what she does best. The police need not come this time. But Sue was not always like this. In previous encounters, she did make efforts to remedy the situation. Stood up for her pride, position as his equal and argued. Threw away her dignity and begged for pity. All has been done and failed. After that, she gave up trying, just succumbing.

“Get up you whore!” Ricky dragged her into their bedroom when Sue saw that look on his face again. That same face she sees each time he victimizes her. That same inhumane look. And immediately the same question as always, popped into her mind. How did I once loved this man? The bedroom door slammed.

Sue was washing herself for the second time that night. She wanted to get rid of all that vomit, sweat, semen, foul smell and everything that was his. The bruises on her body didn’t bother her. She is used to them. It is the sharp pain in her heart that is unbearable. Sue thought of leaving her husband many times. But she doubted her financial capability of raising her children on her own. Leave the boys behind. No. That would be worse than Ricky’s torture. Moreover, how can I leave the boys with such abusive father? Sue knew that her children were terrified of their father. She recalled Luke’s wailing when Ricky hit him two days ago.

Many times, she thought of just walking out of the door with her sole possession, her dignity. Sue thought of her job, her kids and a bank account with less than RM800. It would be very hard for herself and the boys. Sue would feel bad for depriving her children the financial security their father is capable of providing. Also, she dreads what her relatives and friends would say. And how she’d allow her aunt’s prediction come true. Her mind flashed back to 6 years ago.

You’ve just finished school and you want to marry this man you hardly know! You are just like your mother! So dependent on men. Go ahead! Marry this man for all I care! End up miserable and useless like your mother!”

Sue couldn’t hold her tears anymore. Sue swore that she would never be anything like her mother. A divorcee who left Sue with her aunt since she was 10. Her tears flowed even more when she recalled the promise Ricky had made to her when he proposed. “We will raise a loving, close-knitted family. Just like the one you’ve always dreamed of having. I will take care of you and never let you be unhappy the way you were in your aunt’s house” Oh… how convincing he was. Or maybe it was Sue who wanted so much to believe.

Sue went out of the flat and sat on the armchair at the balcony. The cars were moving so fast yet in such orderly way that the headlights looked like gigantic mechanical fireflies. Sue looked around her and didn’t realize there were so many new buildings under construction. Laughter were heard from the coffee shop opposite her flat. There were a large group of friends having supper. Sue could also see young couples holding hands while strolling in the park. She looked up the sky and there were bright twinkling starts guarding the even brighter crescent moon. Cool wind was cleansing her body. Sue threw her head back and closed her eyes peacefully. Such a beautiful world, but why am I not part of it?

Sue fell asleep on the armchair that night and didn’t wake up till the next morning when she heard Jake calling her. “Mommy.. why you sleep ‘ere..?” Sue just smiled. It’s so easy to smile to her children. Sue was preparing breakfast in the kitchen when she heard Jake’s sudden laughter. She rushed out to see what had happened. Luke had worn his uniform inside out. Jake found this absolutely hilarious and continued laughing. Poor Luke looked helplessly confused. Sue couldn’t resist giggling. “Aiya… come, mommy help you”.

“Bye bye, Mommy!!!!!!” Both Jacob and Luke were waving frantically at her by the kindergarten entrance gate. As she wondered why her boys have to stiffen their face each time they do that, she smiled and waved back. With her boys, with the people around her at work – she was appreciated, worthy of living, just plain happy.
She turned to walk towards her flat. Sue wondered how she could hold on to such good feeling longer. She turned and looked at her boys again. They were laughing with their friends. The laughter strengthened her conviction. I am not weak.
Sue knows that she can decide to be part of the beauty in life. With her eyes fixed at her kids, she knew which decision to make.
# # # #

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Persuasive Communication

My jiejie (older sis) has always got the best indirect method of communication in rendering her messages.

Jie: Hun, do you realise that when you shop for apparels, the women who are selecting with you are always older? Much old-er?

I seriously need some contemporary fashion sense.


I was chatting with an online friend who told me that he's going to be in Malacca for training. I asked him to post me a nice postcard via snail-mail when he has settled down there. He asked,

"What's that, snail-mail ?"
"Er,, you know what a postman do?"

Some of us are just too modern-technologically-reliant.
**sorry, rocutie. this one's on you.

Friday, April 21, 2006


15 year ago;
In POL (People Own Language) afternoon class.
A popular girl from the IN click of students accidentally knocked off the vitagen drink from the table.
Vitagen spilled on floor.
Owner of the vitagen stared confusedly disbelieved at spilled drink and the perpetrator; .

Popular Girl (PG): What? It’s not my fault you put it there. Teacher said you not supposed to put drinks on table. (vitagen was on victim’s writing table)
Victim: But…*speechless* -supposedly fearful of the back up other equally popular girls behind the PG.
PG: If you hadn’t left your drink there, my hand wouldn’t have caused the drink to fall lar! *her back up all nodded favorably*
V: *face start to change color* - due to the fact that vitagen was considered a great luxury drink back then for primary school students bought with their own pocket money.
PG: *continue blabbering her crazy theory how the whole incident is NOT her fault. Her ladies in waiting all back up every single fart she produced*

I looked up from my Chinese textbook. Decided to take a break from my last minute revision for the impending ‘ting xie’- Chinese character writing test.

Me: In that case, V should slap you lar. You can’t blame her hand to reach your face, coz your face is there already. Her hand wouldn’t have reached your face, if your face wasn’t there at the first place.

PG: *shocked that I – a nobody from an unknown class would dare speak in her royal bitchiness presence*
Humph! Sorry –lor! *Flicked hair and ordered her entire troop to leave with her*.

V: *still unable to digest her bad luck*.

@ # @ #

Present time
Something of the similar experience just happened.
Adults, different circumstances, but all the same cow-shit.

You know, I’m actually more angry at people like V,
who allow such injustice to be inflicted on themselves.