Beautiful Sue

For the past few days, I had many ideas on what to post, but had to swallow them all back due to fear.

Fear that I'm emotionally unprepared to disclose so much of myself.

Fear that I might be making myself a bit too transparent; when the world I know is so muddy.

So, instead I chose this; written many years ago. A desperate attempt to submit 'some words' for participation sake.

It went unappreciated many times. I'm trying to change that.

Beautiful Sue
On her way home, Sue reflected what happened at work 20 minutes ago, “Well done, Sue!” her restaurant manager complimented the way she had handled the seating arrangements. Today was Valentine’s Day and the place was packed. The person in charge had earlier fumbled the customers’ reservation list. Though working under tremendous pressure, Sue knew she did well tonight. Every customer had comfortable seating arrangements, all food served to the correct table at ample time, glasses were refilled soon after two third emptied, plates cleared once customer had enough. She was particularly pleased with herself when a Caucasian customer patted her back, thanking her for the lovely service and slipped her a crisp RM50 note to her palm. With this extra cash, I can buy the boys some good breakfast tomorrow, Sue thought to herself. She found herself smiling as she opened the door to her flat.
Sue took off her shoes and put away her things carefully as not to wake her children up. Sue is a mother of 2 boys, Jake 6, and Luke 4. Both attend the kindergarten behind their flat. Her kind neighbor, Lee PoPo minds them when they return from school. Sue headed straight to her children’s bedroom after a quick shower. Looking at her children sleeping, she realized how quickly her babies have grown and the room would soon be too small for them to share. Sue sits at their study table and continues to admire the sight of her children sleeping. Her boys were sleeping so soundly, as if the illustrate Michael Learns To Rock’s song- Sleeping Child. She couldn’t resist but kiss her angels at their foreheads. Sue admits, after a hard day’s work, this moment is the reward she wants most.
Bang! The door slammed hard. Sue shuddered. Oh no, not again. “SUE! YOU HOME? WHERE’S THAT BITCH?” Sue ran out of the room hastily and closed the door carefully behind her. She knew what to expect. “Rick, please… quiet down. The boys are sleeping. They have school tomorrow. “
“Ricky do this… Ricky do that…” his head flung left and right as he speaks.
“It’ not enough that I’m treated like a dog in the office, but I have to continue obeying orders from YOU?” his voice roared.
Though standing 5 feet away from him, Sue could smell his foul alcohol breath. Ricky walked unsteadily towards her.

“Never, never tell me what to do in my house!” He slapped her hard across her face. Sue lost her balance and her back hit on the dining table. Hard. She didn’t cry, whim, attempt to protect herself nor retaliate. She did nothing, because nothing is what she does best. The police need not come this time. But Sue was not always like this. In previous encounters, she did make efforts to remedy the situation. Stood up for her pride, position as his equal and argued. Threw away her dignity and begged for pity. All has been done and failed. After that, she gave up trying, just succumbing.

“Get up you whore!” Ricky dragged her into their bedroom when Sue saw that look on his face again. That same face she sees each time he victimizes her. That same inhumane look. And immediately the same question as always, popped into her mind. How did I once loved this man? The bedroom door slammed.

Sue was washing herself for the second time that night. She wanted to get rid of all that vomit, sweat, semen, foul smell and everything that was his. The bruises on her body didn’t bother her. She is used to them. It is the sharp pain in her heart that is unbearable. Sue thought of leaving her husband many times. But she doubted her financial capability of raising her children on her own. Leave the boys behind. No. That would be worse than Ricky’s torture. Moreover, how can I leave the boys with such abusive father? Sue knew that her children were terrified of their father. She recalled Luke’s wailing when Ricky hit him two days ago.

Many times, she thought of just walking out of the door with her sole possession, her dignity. Sue thought of her job, her kids and a bank account with less than RM800. It would be very hard for herself and the boys. Sue would feel bad for depriving her children the financial security their father is capable of providing. Also, she dreads what her relatives and friends would say. And how she’d allow her aunt’s prediction come true. Her mind flashed back to 6 years ago.

You’ve just finished school and you want to marry this man you hardly know! You are just like your mother! So dependent on men. Go ahead! Marry this man for all I care! End up miserable and useless like your mother!”

Sue couldn’t hold her tears anymore. Sue swore that she would never be anything like her mother. A divorcee who left Sue with her aunt since she was 10. Her tears flowed even more when she recalled the promise Ricky had made to her when he proposed. “We will raise a loving, close-knitted family. Just like the one you’ve always dreamed of having. I will take care of you and never let you be unhappy the way you were in your aunt’s house” Oh… how convincing he was. Or maybe it was Sue who wanted so much to believe.

Sue went out of the flat and sat on the armchair at the balcony. The cars were moving so fast yet in such orderly way that the headlights looked like gigantic mechanical fireflies. Sue looked around her and didn’t realize there were so many new buildings under construction. Laughter were heard from the coffee shop opposite her flat. There were a large group of friends having supper. Sue could also see young couples holding hands while strolling in the park. She looked up the sky and there were bright twinkling starts guarding the even brighter crescent moon. Cool wind was cleansing her body. Sue threw her head back and closed her eyes peacefully. Such a beautiful world, but why am I not part of it?

Sue fell asleep on the armchair that night and didn’t wake up till the next morning when she heard Jake calling her. “Mommy.. why you sleep ‘ere..?” Sue just smiled. It’s so easy to smile to her children. Sue was preparing breakfast in the kitchen when she heard Jake’s sudden laughter. She rushed out to see what had happened. Luke had worn his uniform inside out. Jake found this absolutely hilarious and continued laughing. Poor Luke looked helplessly confused. Sue couldn’t resist giggling. “Aiya… come, mommy help you”.

“Bye bye, Mommy!!!!!!” Both Jacob and Luke were waving frantically at her by the kindergarten entrance gate. As she wondered why her boys have to stiffen their face each time they do that, she smiled and waved back. With her boys, with the people around her at work – she was appreciated, worthy of living, just plain happy.
She turned to walk towards her flat. Sue wondered how she could hold on to such good feeling longer. She turned and looked at her boys again. They were laughing with their friends. The laughter strengthened her conviction. I am not weak.
Sue knows that she can decide to be part of the beauty in life. With her eyes fixed at her kids, she knew which decision to make.
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