Thursday, July 31, 2014

"Do u think I still stand a chance in the field of Communications ?"
"Yes, I think you do.
If anything, your strength is in writing .Hence it's not exactly starting from scratch. Well, I think you're still further ahead than many others."
Try not to let the negativity and what you are lacking hold you back now."

She then forwarded this article below to me.

"Stay afraid, but do it anyway, what’s important is the action. You don’t have to wait to be confident. Just do it and eventually the confidence will follow." 
"People say 'mental illness' like it's not a part of the body, it's nothing to be ashamed of." - Carrie Fisher

"We take care of our dental health, We don't take care of our mental health ... I think the solution to making this world better is if we would just be healthy, mentally." -Howie Mandel

"This is a disorder that affects millions of people and I am one of them. If my revelation of having bipolar II has encouraged one person to seek help, then it is worth it. There is no need to suffer silently and there is no shame in seeking help." -Catherine Zeta-Jones

"ADHD isn't a bad thing, and you shouldn't feel different from those without ADHD, remember that you are not alone. There are others going through the same thing." -Adam Levine 

"Persevere and find people who are safe and honest and who will give you tough love and will guide you through the times,you really can't do everything on your own. You need love and support around you. Believe that you will get past these times. You will overcome. Things will get better. 
Life is a series of ups and downs and the good news, when you're in a low, is that it will go up again. And things will become safe and clear and beautiful." - Drew Barrymore
Job interviews are always unnerving because I am asked questions that I deliberately avoid.
"Tell us about yourself"
"Why did you..."
"What motivates you?"
"Why do you want to work here?"
And the judgemental or non-responsive ''Really? That's your answer?" expression can really take a toll in my already basement-low self-esteem.

And yet, perhaps, these experiences are good opportunities to self-reflect and explore.

Oh gawd, all the forms and necessary documentations.
Growing pains.
Or maybe just the pain.

When I reached KL, I thought it's so much more beautiful than Penang.
How odd, I have never viewed KL in this manner before.
I have long known for a fact that KL has wider and better roads, taller and grandeur buildings, and of course, more land.
But it has never felt like home.
It still doesn't.
Entire text taken from
Kintsukuroi, also known as kintsugi. It describes the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery with precious metals such as gold or silver, with the understanding that the piece is more beautiful, and holds more character, than it did before it was broken.

In kintsukuroi, the damage to a ceramic is not just mended and hidden, but the cracks literally become the highlights of the piece. They symbolize an event that took place in the life of the object, much like events that happen in the lives of humans that cannot be reversed but leave us forever marked. Instead of seeing these events as something shameful to be hidden, the Japanese lovingly and compassionately transform the flaws into an exquisite piece of art that usually becomes more valuable than the original piece.

What a beautiful analogy for life. Life breaks us in so many different ways, and leaves all sorts of marks all over us, some more visible than others. Often, we see the cracks and damage done to our lives and believe that we are worth less because of them. But through the eyes of love, and with much delicate care and compassion, a beautiful masterpiece can be shaped out of the broken pieces.

What a lovely, liberating truth. Anywhere there has been trauma followed by healing will actually be stronger than the undamaged, untouched areas.
There are so many things that happen to us that we cannot avoid or change. Some cracks feel more permanent, more irreversible than others. Maybe they were not meant to be reversed, but lived with. To mark a significant, difficult or heartbreaking season in one’s journey. But also to bear testament to one’s survival, resilience and yes, in time, strength.

“The world breaks everyone and afterward many are strong at the broken places.” // Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms

Saturday, July 26, 2014

This movie, Initial D is screening again on tv.
I'm packing my things, getting ready to attend a job interview in the State of Penang.
I find myself singing a Celine Dion song as I pack.
Funny, I'm not feeling as jittery as I was on Wednesday when I received the phone call invitation for the interview.
Perhaps it was Cc's assurance on Thursday, that the company is of a good industry and the work will be very systematic.
I know that I will face difficulties, like every other workplace, but somehow, Cc just made the anxious jitters go away.
Cc even kindly loaned me a Jobstreet guidebook.
I came across my old stuff while packing.
The newspaper clippings, my personal writings here and there.
I threw most of them away.
But kept a piece - one which I had written to a famous local blogger and to my surprise, he replied.
I had forgotten all about it.

Among the pieces that I threw, one was about my experience back in college, dated back more than 10 years ago. I do remember that particular incident but not as detailed as what I had written.
I'm glad I had written it down.
I decided to thank my ex-classmates who had helped me during that incident.
We are connected via Facebook and I sent them a group-message of gratitude.
All of them gave a thumbs up.
One was curious, "Why suddenly such emotions?"
I assured him, all is ok.

Friday, July 25, 2014

We do find what we seek.
I believe all of us are telling ourselves a story which we want to believe in.
This storyline becomes real to us, no matter how poorly our imagination had manufactured it.
One that is convenient to our conscience.
Or boost our self-importance, making us feel we matter.
One's desire can make one very foolish.
Desire can betray logic.
Even the wisest King Solomon was not spared the temptation.

In the movie "Beautiful Mind", Russell Crowe wanted to be regarded as a significant scientist and his troubled mind manufactured a storyline to appease his desire.
No doubt, schizophrenia had worsen the magnitude of this fabrication.

Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. -Proverbs 4:23

I fear we are all living a lie.
My good friend Mina told me that a staff paid for the lighting decorations (Eid al-Fitr also called Feast of Breaking the Fast) himself when the management refused to approve his purchase request on company's account.
I thought it was very thoughtful and generous of him to bless the workplace and the staff of the entire building as the beautiful decorations do uplift the entire atmosphere.
Good thing my friend Mina is such a bad photographer. I would be too shy to share these photos had they been taken clearly.

Thursday, July 24, 2014

I was rummaging my bag and I found this little note which I had written months ago.
It wasn't the content that I found interesting.
It was my handwriting.
Looking at my handwriting, I knew how joyful my heart was.

Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Minutes has passed since my last post.
I was so full of negativity that even my friend Mn advised me to snap out of it.
"You ARE leaving. That's that. Enough."
Yes, I have to agree that no good will come from dwelling in such darkness.
During L's outburst last Friday, I heard her mentioning things of the past.
The crack in her fragile voice enunciated just how badly those events had affected her.
Indeed, if we don't let go, the darkness will consume us.

I must let go.
I must go.
All of a sudden, I thought of all the bad things that my family said and done to me.
Especially my parents.
All the bullshit that had taken place in the family.
Oh, the negativity.
I can feel the cells in my body dying just recalling all that shit.
I must leave this place.
There's nothing left for me here.

Monday, July 21, 2014

I said,
"Demons are real. They are out there. Sometimes very close by. Sometimes under the very beds we sleep in. Sometimes, even IN us. I believe each time we feel angry, proud, jealous, fearful or bitter, we are inviting them in.
And I don't believe they'd ever leave ."
"Evil is real. But remember, so is mental illness.
It's a condition that reflects our vulnerable thoughts and emotions.
It's as old as mortality."

Sunday, July 20, 2014

L’s situation is very critical.
She was talking to herself again. Sobbing and yelling.
Whilst everyone is very afraid, wondering how real exactly is her “imaginary friend”.
My superior banged the door and confronted her. I was shocked to see her so brave.
L was very angry too. She was very rude to the superior, very out of her usual behaviour.
But she very quickly calmed down and talked in a sensible tone with the superior.
She even asked if she could rest in the store room. Her request was denied and she was asked to go home.
L angrily took her bag and yelled that nobody cares for her.
When the whole episode ended, I was very confused.
I’m thinking, just how lucid exactly is L ?
There are times where she seems perfectly capable of being reasonable. There are times where she seems she has totally lost it.
L, what is going on with you?

Wednesday, July 16, 2014

LC tendered her resignation and is now very relaxed at work.
She's in the midst of handing over her work gradually to other people and her shoulders never felt lighter.
She found a better job offer and the workload is less demanding.
I have never seen LC happier.
Today, after months of procrastination,she finally downloaded the social media apps into her smartphone.
She joyfully came to my department to announce this news.
Upon adding me into her freshly created contact list, she messaged me, "Hello , hello."
I stared at her.
"I'm right in front of you !"
She giggled.
It's so good to see her glowing with happiness.

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

It’s time I make a move.
In the next World Cup 2018 Russia, I want to be in a place where when I look back to 2014, I can have a wide horizon.
I want to be in awe how far I've come.
I need to do this.
I told my plans to everyone and anyone who was willing to listen.
I want to be held accountable for this plan.
I have not even found a job in the new State yet but I’ll still make the move no matter how scared I am. There’s no turning back.
My good friend M, keep saying, “Well, you have nothing to lose. But a lot to gain.”
Wf, “Sure, why not? It’s always good to make changes in our lives while we still think we can.”
TCM, ”If you don’t do this, you will be asking yourself the what if-s for the rest of your life. Don’t worry, the paths will be clearer as you go forward.”
I asked my sis about her journey when she relocated.
"No regrets !Was it hard? You bet ! But it was all worth it. "
Yw, Cc, LC, YD --Everyone gave the thumbs up.
It’s a full score.
Heck, even CLY, back when we were still speaking.
I must say, he is the precipitator of this initiation.
I remember clearly how he patronised my reasons not to make the move. He felt I’m just too comfortable wallowing in my comfort zone.
He was right on this point.
I do have him to thank.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Last night, when I got home, I saw an unfamiliar young lady standing outside my gate.
I asked her what’s the matter.
She told me that she’s looking for her cat’s litter. The mother cat had just delivered but she can’t find her kittens.
I saw how confused and dreary the mother cat looked.
I suspect my other neighbour had done something.
He was very unhappy that the cat’s faeces were often found in his garden.
I don’t think he’d welcome more of them in the neighbourhood.
This evening, when I was jogging, I saw the mother cat again.
She was still searching for her kittens. Although, she’s a cat, but I could feel the despair on her face and the hopelessness in her soft steps.
As I continue to jog, I wondered what kind of person could separate a mother from her children.
How to differentiate 
the human, 
and beast ?
I love this story by Timothy Tiah about a very enthusiastic salesman.
Last weekend I followed my uncle to the Mercedes show room at Hap Seng Star. He was checking out the new S class and wanted to place an order for it. When he got there he insisted that he placed a booking with one particular salesman named Kee. When I asked him why he told me this story:

A short while ago one of my uncle’s friends went to the same showroom to order the new Mercedes S-Class.
He walked into the showroom dressed in shorts and his simplest outfit. All the sales people around him ignored him. So he showed himself around and walked around the car on display.

He was ready to place a booking even without test driving the car… but there wasn’t anyone who wanted to approach him to take his booking. So finally he walked over to the other end of the showroom where the lower end Mercedes C-class were all on display.

Immediately a salesperson approached him and introduced himself as Kee. He then walked my uncle through the C-class  and all its features. Kee wasn’t the smoothest of car salesman. By the way he spoke English you could tell English probably wasn’t his first language but he knew his facts and seemed honest in his recommendations.

When Kee was done with his run down of the C-Class, my uncle’s friend finally told him that he wanted to book the higher end flagship S-Class right there and then.
Kee looked a little disappointed and said “I”m sorry Sir I can’t sell you the S-Class. For that I need to pass you on to my colleague”.
He then later went on to explain why. My uncle can’t remember exactly why but perhaps it was something to do with Kee being a junior sales person so he wasn’t allowed to sell the higher end cars.

My uncle’s friend didn’t give up. He thought why should he give the sale and the commission then to a so-called higher ranking sales person who didn’t seem to give a damn about him when he walked in.
So he asked to see Kee’s manager. When his manager came by he said
“I want to buy the S-Class right now but I only want to buy it from Kee.  So if you don’t want to let him sell it to me, I’ll buy it from another distributor”.
Immediately the manager gave Kee the sale.

My uncle’s friend went back and told the same story to all his friends… one of them being my uncle himself who was interested to buy the car. So my uncle decided to buy it from Kee.

Before I went with my uncle to the showroom I had visited the showroom a few days before. My uncle was telling me about the new S-Class and how it’s really nice and I should go and see. So since I was passing by a few days earlier, I went to see it with no intention to buy one. I walked in with jeans and casual clothes and with Shorty.
We left that day without buying a car from Kee but he was polite and showed us all the way to the door.

When I found out that the person my uncle’s friend was talking about was Kee… I was impressed. It wasn’t a one time thing that Kee did with my uncle’s friend. He was consistent throughout… even with me and Shorty. He doesn’t care about how you look. The minute you walk in the door you are a potential customer and he treats you like one.

I happen to speak with Kee again since this last text and here’s what’s been going on at his side. He’s been getting tons of calls for people looking to buy cars from him and he’s really thankful for that. One thing he did me to clarify was that the first story that my uncle told me about his friend actually happened a long time ago. Like 5 years ago. In any case my uncle remembered this story and ended up buying a car from Kee anyway. Anyway Kee is grateful for all the support and nice comments you guys have given him

I love that Kee's enthusiasm in his life has benefited him thoroughly.

Friday, July 11, 2014

"Picture yourself when you were would you treat that little girl? Wouldn't you make sure that she's loved and that she eats well and gets enough rest everyday? When she is hurting, wouldn't you wipe her tears away and give her prospective? Wouldn't you fiercely protect her and hug her and comfort her when she needs it? From this day forward, I want you to give that same compassion to your adult self."
My sister posted this on her FB

Wednesday, July 09, 2014

"The children here they support me. Buy one packet got one dollar. 42 packets yesterday, got 42 dollar already that good for lunch money. But they talk talk talk too, so not just money. They make uncle happy."

Subir Roy, a UBS HR staff added in the webpage, "Whenever I stop by, he shakes my hand, smiles and talks to me with a lot of warmth'"

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

Sis and I were dining with our aunt and uncle.
As usual, we like to taste each other's food.
My uncle saw how comfortable both sis and I are in this food sharing practice.
He commented, "How I wish my daughters have such close relationship."
I seriously can't recall a time when a person was envious of me.
It's usually me who is envious of others.
Either way, I don't think it's a good thing.
How can a place of 40 mins of plane ride away - make such a huge difference?
Two nights ago, I was in my sis' living area with her hearing-impaired housemates.
They aren't locals and I wrote in a piece of paper ( I can't sign language) just how in awe I am of them.
"You are both very courageous young ladies. I wish I could follow your example."
My recent trip to Penang.

Monday, July 07, 2014

I had the worst of dreams.
My armpits were infested with abnormal growths which shaped like rocks.
The doctor scraped it out, resulting my arms to be badly misshapen.
The doctor inspected the rock shaped growths by cutting it a little.
Wriggling things started coming out of them.
What a nightmare !
I woke up in trepidation.
Is this a manifestation of my mangled internal thoughts and emotions?

Friday, July 04, 2014

My colleague is back at work.
She's not any better.
Her sister, the only relative who would care for her seem to be at lost on what to do.
Everyone at work is both worried and scared.
I myself am confused as to why this is taking place.

I told my sis, "If ever this happens to me, where I can no longer make lucid decisions for myself, I hope you love me enough to intervene."

My sis who had a long day, answered, "Can we please talk about something less depressing?"
It wasn't a request.
"I'm an architect, and I've designed buildings all over the world. Every time I get a commission in an emerging market, I get excited about the opportunity to draw from the country's heritage, culture, and art. 
But the client never wants it. They all want the same thing: 'modern style, modern style, modern style.' Everything has to be high and glassy. 
It's almost as if everyone wants to hide their differences. It's boring."

"I'm always sad."
"Are there certain thoughts associated with the sadness?"
"No, the sadness is under the thoughts. It's like when you're on a camping trip, and it's really cold, and you put on extra socks, and an extra sweater, but you still can't get warm, because the coldness is in your bones."
"Do you hope to get away from it?"
"Not anymore. I just hope to come to peace with it."

Thursday, July 03, 2014

I was at a souvenir shop looking at the mugs and cups.
My friend, M was very eager to buy a set to be given away as a present.
"That's the last one. It's very popular."
I turned around to see a middle-aged lady dressed in quite an eccentric fashion.
Her lips seem to move awkwardly as she spoke with a bit of stammer.
"If I were to buy this, what box will it come with?" asked my friend.
As the sales assistant went to the back to get the box, my friend whispered, "She always claim the item you are interested in, IS the very last one."
I smiled.
At the check out counter, I noticed that the sales assistant was very careful in packing the items.
As my friend paid for the wrapping paper, the sales assistant was visibly disappointed to find out that my friend would rather wrap the gift herself.
"It'll be very fast!", she tried to persuade my friend.
"Oh, don't deprive my friend of her pleasure in wrapping gifts!", I said, in my weak attempt to comfort the sales assistant.

The moment we walked out of the shop, I asked my friend, "You come here so often, what do you think her disability is?"
"I don't know," she flatly answered, giving no room for further queries.
Still, I'm glad to have witnessed this special lady at work.
Her enthusiasm in her work puts me to shame.

View similar older post here.

Tuesday, July 01, 2014

Yup - my dear friends and readers,
it's true that journal-ing is very therapeutic.
Rereading my old writings IS very VERY therapeutic indeed.
I really sniggered when I came across this old post.

 ""I'm really not going to stress about it. I'm just going with the flow.""
-- I typed that? Really?
Although I do recall that I was feeling very relaxed at that time... but... Really??!!

My favourite series, Criminal Minds is back on tv.
" They mess you up, your mom and dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had, and add some extra, just for you. "
- Philip Larkin
"To the degree that we look clearly and compassionately at ourselves, we feel confident and fearless about looking into someone else's eyes." 
~Pema Chödrön

15 Lies Nobody Should Believe

1. Five more minutes of sleep will help me.
2. I need ____ to be happy.
3. All [type of people] are [attribute].
4. I'm better or worse than other people.
5. I can't change.
6. Trying is futile.
7. The world is against me.
8. My dreams are dead.
9. I'm too young or too old to make a difference.
10. If I'm not motivated, I can't take action.
11. I'm stuck.
12. People don't like me.
13. I'm not talented enough.
14. I want candy.
15. I am a victim.