I always get very nervous whenever I meet people who knew me back when I was terribly unwell; back when I was unstable and … well, to put it simply, when I was severely NOT MYSELF.
   Last Saturday, an old acquaintance from college FB messaged me. We live very near each other and had car-pooled on many occasions back when we were classmates.
          Many months ago it was me who initiated the invitation but she turned me down. My self-defeating mind immediately drew the conclusion that she’d rather stay away given my previous episodes. Naturally, I never contacted her since.

So I was rather surprised when she asked me if we could meet up for a drink, humorously using my same opening line on my last text, “Hey, I’m not doing insurance, MLM, neither promoting products nor religion. Just wondering if you’d be up for a drink?”
           I picked her up and had a drink nearby. It has been 6 years and I noticed that she’s very well groomed – unlike me, her hair looked fresh out of the hairstylist’s, eyebrows well-trimmed, not a pimple at sight, and her face was so easy on the eyes that I’m not even sure if there was some make up on, or if it was simply result of good diet. Her appearance was quite impressive given the face that the appointment was so impromptu, arranged just 20 minutes earlier.

We talked. How delightful that she’s just recently picked up running too, and we were actually at a same running event together!

• Work • Gym • Gay guys • Unavailable eligible guys • Single ladies • Desperate single ladies • Us being desperate single ladies. 

So, it was fun. However, I did find it slightly odd that she could talk about these issues as if they apply equally upon us. So many times in my head, “Has she forgotten that I’ve got mental illness and there’s really a slim chance of me finding someone?”
     This isn’t the self-esteem talking but rather practicality. I could barely handle my own life, how could I even dare include another person?

A very good friend of mine drew the picture very bluntly albeit completely benign-motivated. She told me that she immediately thought of me when she read the front-page news, “Mentally unstable woman threw toddler girl off their flat before jumping .”
          My well-intentioned friend was rather perplexed with the news that the husband was willing to marry her, despite her illness. Her whole point was -she felt sorry for me that it’d be almost impossible for me to have my own family.
          Back to present time. My first response when people who know my situation ask me for my thoughts on my future partner -
-- Dare I even hope?