I went shopping with ShW and her 90-year-old granny during last month's CNY.

We used the shopping complex's facility, this little scooter designed for the immobile.

 This is her granny. The time spent with them was the only time I didn't cry during CNY. Must have meant something.

I desperately needed to chat with someone.
I scanned through my mobile chat list.
I saw that I haven't replied L's CNY greeting.
I messaged her.
I'm glad to hear that she's back at our old workplace again.
I told her what mess I am currently in.
She advised me.
Her advice was so succinctly logical that I am certain she is all well again, just like when I first saw her in 2010.
I teared up when I sent her the voice message.
"When I heard your message, I know you are well again. Please ... take care of yourself. Don't let 2014 happen again"

But I'm a bit concerned that she doesn't seem to acknowledge the reality of her situation.
She's telling me the same thing she told me back in 2011.
She's in denial of her schizophrenia illness.
I asked her about the things that had happened back in 2014, where I had witnessed them myself.
Her explanation doesn't corroborate with what I had seen.

After two days of constant correspondence, I stopped replying her messages.
She seemed to have forgotten that we were never friends.
After all that she had done, pre-relapse (or illness aside) I can never trust her to be a friend.

This was how I had corresponded with a young lady of 29 when I was in the ward.

Before I left, I told one of the young ladies this; when I found out she has no family to depend on.

"Take good care of yourself k? We need to love ourselves more when we don't have people to care for us."

Richard: Before my accident, you called me a drunk.
Bailey (voice breaking): I am so sorry. There has not been a day since that I haven't regretted--
Richard: You're right. I am a drunk.
Bailey: Sir...
Richard: I'm an alcoholic, which is why I'm here now instead of home. It's boring there, and lonely, and when I'm bored and lonely, I wanna have a drink. Hell, I wanted to have a drink when I'm happy, too.
I always want a drink, because I have a disease, and it can't be cured.
But it can be managed. But I can't do it by myself. I need help.
Accept that you have a disease, Bailey. Accept help.
We're all here for you when you're ready to get started. (Bailey takes one of her pills)

Stephanie (petting the sheep): I'm so sorry, little girl. We tried.
Meredith: Edwards, do you know how many dogs the Russians sent into space before a man walked on the moon?
Stephanie (voice breaking): Those poor puppies.
Meredith: Edwards, we are going to do a necropsy, and we are going to find out what went wrong. And then we'll try again, and we'll fail again, because that's what progress looks like.
Stephanie: Progress looks like a dead sheep.
Meredith: No, progress looks like a bunch of failures. And you're gonna have feelings about that because it's sad, but you can't fall apart. And then one day, we will succeed, and we will save a person's life. And we will walk on the moon. Figuratively, anyway. Are you with me?
Stephanie: Yeah.

I just realised that I often happen to watch Grey's Anatomy when I'm most depressed.

1.I just saw a FB video of a mentally unstable lady cursing and dancing at the door of the train.
2.There is a lady in my neighbourhood, about my age, with hairstyle similar to mine; sits at the corner of the shops, constantly mumbling to herself.
3.There was an old lady in the ward , whose bed was beside mine, cries every 2 hours incoherently. She was very thin because she doesn't eat well, and nobody cares. A ward-friend and I deduced that she must be from a wealthy family based on her accent and her classy tatooed eyebrow and complexion. Her delusional habit of drinking water from the tap must be a habit from her past overseas experience,
4. My old colleague L, back in the KD college.

One thing I must contend.
If we hold on to a negative emotion eg, anger, disappointment, despair etc, for too long.
we will be consumed by it.
Like what my new colleague KB said, "In the end, is it worth it?"
It's frightening that we forget the obvious answer too often in our lives.

was absolutely amused by the name.

bought it, ate it.

lol. 

I ate my Dark Shadow.

My church friend who is watching over me, who bailed me out of the ward, kept asking why I had allowed my condition to get so bad and not sought help from her earlier?
She went on preaching about pride and accountability.
And that it was my mistake in not listening to her when deciding on the reinstatement of job.

She bailed me out.
When I was in the hospital, she was the only one I could contact.
She bailed me out.
I owe her big time.

But I can't agree with her on this.
I now worry.
I can't see my next step.

I'm now on suicide watch.
I'm really at a very pathetic stage.
I just reread my previous post, and really.
My silly attempt just damaged my liver and kidney.
They are still working for now, but after all I've done, I will be reminded of the consequence years later.
So, instead ending my misery, I have prolonged and compounded it.
Bloody Brilliant.

written on 13/02/16 - I should be helping out at the Coming Home Chinese New Year celebration at this moment, instead here I am in the ward. Coming to this ward sure brings back memories - I came here in 2012 to visit my sister. Who would have guessed I'd one day be here myself? I cried terribly on my 1st day. The old ladies scare me the most. A terrible warning of what may become of me. There's an old lady beside me, whose cries and moans resonate with me eerily. Would I cry like that when I'm her age too?

My fear is real. Some of the patients here are very young, barely out of their teens. I look at them sympathetically. I fear for them, for their path would not be easy. I told the doctor, "Being here, I'm looking at my past, present and future, at its worst perspective." I am looking at a bleak future.

This post is long overdue.

Last week, I attempted suicide.

A very lame attempt actually.

I took 260 times of my usual dosage.

I knew I wasn't going to die.

Hardly anyone dies through legal drugs overdose - something I learnt through my pharmacist friend and also through the experiences of my previous acquaintances from the ward.

But I wanted to self-harm.

Also, I was hoping to be lucky ? Perhaps slip into a long sleep?
Jumping off the building would be too gory.
Too much mess, and I thought how traumatic it would be for others to see.
Hanging? Oh, the poor person who'd discover the body.

I remember looking at my stuff, just before I passed out.

I thought, gosh.... there's so much stuff for my friend or housemate to clear out.

There was however, ONE thing that made me felt a strong sense of waste.

I thought, "Shucks, pity I never gotten around to write about that fiction. "

I received a message from Max.
He has a blog.
I have read every single post and I think it is great that he has finally published his literary talent online.
Definitely in my bookmark list.

可以经历了这些事却依然可以存活到今天，其实最顽强的武器是 - 毅力。确实需要智慧来洞悉这周遭的一切，但是若没有了毅力，真的会失去了再站起来的动力。会疲惫吗？很疲惫。会辛苦吗？会呀。想放弃吗？不行，不能放弃。跌倒了再站起来，需要顽强的毅力。

不是在炫耀自己的毅力，没有什么东西可炫耀的，而是想鼓励其他的患者不要轻易放弃。无论如何，你依然可以活到今天，就表示你心里还坚持着，并不想放弃。把内心这股毅力放大，让它足于推动着你，迈向康复的道路。

这股长久磨练的毅力，可以让你在现实生活中继续生存。虽然在很多方面都比不上他人，但是请你坚持到最后。

I heard this phrase 毅力 from the famous Hong Kong sifu's interview years ago.
It's a good revision from Max.

I was looking for this post about my sis, but found more.
I would never have the courage to say these words to her face, because she will repeat it to the whole world where she's the blameless lamb, so I'm saying this here.

               You.      Piece.       Of.       Shit.

Dang. I still have to see her for CNY family reunion.
My friend Mn has arranged that I can stay in one of her homestay units for 2 days 3 nights before I get on my flight back to PG.

This afternoon, suddenly I realised I didn't want to sleep anymore.
I got up, bathe and went down to buy lunch.
I decided to buy some biscuits from the bakery too.
The cashier smiled at me, I smiled back.
Then, I thought, hey...I'm still capable of smiling.
I ate my KFC and watched Big Bang Theory.
I smiled again.

Earlier, I messaged my colleague
"I've been wondering if I should stay because I don't want history to repeat. I really feel that I have made a mistake to return. I have made *boss look bad

NXY: history is being created presently. And present circumstances have changed now. don't think too much. *boss trust you, have faith in yourself.
And not just her, we all believe that we can work together and make a good team
If you need time to chill, just take as much as it needed. and come back when you are ready.""

My housemates noticed that my mood has improved and started small talk with me. Sensing that I'm better, they asked what had been bothering me. They are sweet indeed.

I'm lucky.

Taken from The Mighty
Here’s some advice that’s actually helped people with mental illness:

1. “On a particularly difficult day, I was trying to fight through an anxiety attack and finish all the child-related tasks I needed to complete. My husband kept offering help, and I kept refusing. He pulled me aside in the laundry room as I was frantically folding another load and said, “Just let me help you.” It doesn’t immediately make the anxiety go away, but it’s helped me learn to let go.” — Maria Heldreth2. “Don’t wait. See a doctor. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be embarrassed. Chances are, someone knows exactly what you’re going through.” — Kristin Salber

3. “I have depression and anxiety (as well as other chronic medical conditions), and after the worst week I’ve had in a while, my doctor  said, “Find something you enjoy, and if you can’t find that, find the joy in something.” This really had an impact on me and still reminds me to look for a silver lining.” — Faith Merryn

4. “I have generalized anxiety disorder, and I made friends with someone who’s extremely similar to me. She told me to always be myself and the people who truly care will stick around. It truly did help.” — Julia Ann Lange

5. “Words can hurt to say, but they need to come out. Write all those words down on paper.” — Melissa Cote

6. “A friend recently told me that no matter if I get a job one day or not, your life matters as long as you can make people smile. When I think of it that way, it’s easier to see my life as something of worth.” — Emma Wozny

7. “A great therapist I had told me to focus on ‘harm-reduction, not perfection.’ I felt like I was expected to magically ‘get better,’ and she helped me learn that starting with baby steps was totally OK.” — Jen Decker

8. “Someone said, ‘I’ve been here, I know a way out, I’m here to show you too.’ And, ‘It gets better, it may not leave, but it gets better. And it has.” — Tom Everman

9. “I have anxiety and major depressive disorder. This is going to sound ridiculous, but my best friend once told me, “When you’re sad, watch ‘The Simpsons.’” It actually works when I’m panicking, too. It gets my mind off whatever I’m obsessing about, and I usually end up laughing.” — Dawn Czarnecki Seshadri

10. “It wasn’t long after my diagnosis that I was told pretty bluntly: ‘This illness is has no cure. You’re going to carry this illness for the rest of your life. So you can either wallow in the weight of that, or you can fight for your only life and make it a good story.’” — Lyss Trayers

11. “My depression and anxiety stem from a traumatic childhood. Just hearing ‘it wasn’t your fault‘ from my psychologist was incredibly helpful.” — Kathrine Elise

12. “Don’t always believe what your brain is telling you.” — Kerri Lewis Brock

13. “It’s OK to feel sad. You don’t need to pretend.” — Allyson White

14. “The best advice: Treat yourself as if you were a good friend.” — Julie Jeatran

15. “Celebrate every accomplishment, no matter how small, instead of dwelling on all the things we perceive as failures.” — Jennifer Northrup

16. “I have post-traumatic stress disorder and bipolar disorder. When I was in intensive outpatient therapy, the counselor looked at us and said, ‘It’s over. That moment is over. It isn’t going to happen again.’ For some reason, that resonated with me.” — Nicole Hanes

17. “They told me this: ‘You are not broken; you are a whole person. You are just human. A human who is living, learning and growing. And learning, living and growing comes with bumps in the road. Remember that this is just a bump.‘” — Kallie Kieffer

18. “Your worst days will only be 24 hours.“ — Arielle Smith

19. “You wouldn’t skip a dialysis or chemotherapy appointment. Your therapy appointments are just as important. No excuses.” — Jennifer Davis

20. “‘I think you need to give therapy a try.‘ Thanks to that, I started therapy and I’m now on the path to recovery.”  — Julianne Leow

21. “Your struggles are your accomplishments in disguise.” — Katherine J Palmer

22. “Remember: Depression lies. Don’t believe it.” — Beth Brogan


3. “Always ask for help. There is never any shame in asking for help.” — Meghan Shultz

24. “Take life 5 minutes at a time.” — Stephanie Lynn

25. “You can’t give everyone else everything you have. You absolutely have to save a little of yourself for yourself.” — Shawn Henfling

26. “I am a human being. Not a human doing. I just have to be.” — Michelle Balck

It's really bad.
Bad-ass B-A-D.
The palpitations, the worthlessness, the despair, the anxiety.
I had this back when I was still studying, 2004, where it got so bad that I was admitted to ward.

I missed work yesterday.
In the afternoon, I went for a swim.
A desperate attempt to regain my desire for life.
In the pool, I saw three young lads.
They were learning to swim.
They asked me for some swimming tips.
I told them the little of what I know.
I was very amused by their fourteen-year-old enthusiastic zest for life.
And then I offered them my extra pair of goggles.
"Thank you , Aunty."
Little did they know that I'm thanking them even more.

This morning, the episode was at its peak.
I was thinking of suicidal options.
"I can't go through this again. This is not worth it. If I can end it once and for all..."
An hour later, somehow, I managed to get up and got a Uber ride.
I noticed the driver has a lot of masculine veins.
Oddly, even my depressed soul managed an internal chuckle recalling my conversation with Mn just the night before, about what makes a man attractive.

Things were not that hopeful at the clinic.
I burst out in tears trying to explain to the doctor how I felt.
He asked if I want to be admitted.
No.
My dosage was increased.
I noticed this young doctor was very jovial.
He beat-box-ed when he walked and said funny made-up words like chawabangka?
I think he's building a very strong positive defense.

I am now in the office.
What now?

Went swimming.
There were a lot of kids and tweens (between kids n teenagers) in the pool.
I was very amused to see how comfortable they were goofing around in the waters.
Most of them can't swim well but they know how to move around the water well enough to have a good time.
There was no fear at all.
So unlike me.

I remember watching a video on how the little babies learn to swim or at least stay afloat should they wander off to the pool.
The teacher told the parents never to display anxiety when their babies are in the water.
The babies will know if the parents sense danger, hence the babies too will think there is danger and panic.

This goes to show that great things can happen in the absence of fear.

My new boss and NXY asked how I'm doing.

They are really kind.

Despite having piles of work up to their nose, they actually noticed something was a bit off with me.

My low self-esteem and depression made me feel unworthy of their concern and attention.

Ah, I'll be ok.

On a separate occasion, a staff commented to me, 

"You are really really lucky, you know"

I related my stories to my good old friend Mn.
Her reply was so amusing that I decided to copy paste here for keeps.

"Never ever doubt if you are worth it or not.
People believed that you are worth it so embrace it.
FUCK those who said you are so lucky... "

Her messages reminded me of this one.

"Your friend went out of her way to make sure you got up and left the house. Surely it must meant you're worth the effort. 
And she wasn't the only one.
Surely you must be worthy.
Don't doubt.
Accept the love"

I'm on my third day of work at my previous place.
Yup, I went back.
Who would have thought that the management could change so drastically in 3 months?

I have been taking more meds than usual these few days.
I've been waking up unusually early eg,3am and I get pestered by all the 'thinking errors' identified in the self-help workbooks.
I get so anxious that debilitating suicidal thoughts are at bay.
The mornings.
The mornings are the worst.
My demons work the hardest during this shift of theirs.

I went for a massage last night.
I was feeling very relaxed and I had a some kind of moment of lucidity.
I had a picture of myself , covered with wounds.
Yes, I was hurt by others, but the scarier wounds were self-inflicted.
The picture tells me how cruel I am to myself.
I saw the picture and felt so sorry for that person, me.

My housemate S shared with me and another housemate G about her sister.
The sister seems to be suffering from a mental breakdown.
But the family thinks she's being disturbed by unrest spirits.

The family sought psychiatric and temple medium for help.
Housemate S 's story focused more on the medium, hence I think she felt the medium was more helpful, despite having both sides of the treatment simultaneously.

As I was listening, I thought the medium was very clever to narrate the entire story about the sister's situation based on the turn of events. Like all opportunists, he saw desperation and thought, why not? He didn't cause any harm anyway.

I do not deny the existence of the evil, unseen or unrest ones.
But this is not it.
I have heard similar stories like this before.

I just feel sad at the social stigma upon mental illness.
Possession by evil spirits still tops mental illness.

Imagine, in the current Asian society; it is actually easier to tell people you were possessed than to be suffering from mental breakdown.
This is really sad.

Saw this quote on a little newsletter when I treated myself at upper class eatery, where the meal cost me 3.5 times of my usual lunch budget.

Dasrad (the bicycle) cafe - Nice place. The owner, a German who has lived in Malaysia for 20years, took my order in Malaysian accent.