Today marks the 3 year anniversary of going off anti depression medication.
The first step back toward what I considered "normalcy" came by embracing the fact that "normal" doesn't exist.
We are damaged, hurt, ugly and beautiful creatures.
We are puzzles and riddles... ironies and hypocrites.
I would urge anyone toward pharmacology if that's what can help them.
I would beg anyone to come away from it if they feel ready to accept and endure pain.
I thank everyone who gave me their time to talk me down from the abundance of ledges that this world has to offer.
I would and will plead that those who have never truly felt the depth of despair to, please, embrace patience when dealing with us.
We will not change over night.
Your love is an echo that we will hear... in time. I am here because of love.
Tuesday, May 06, 2014
I clicked on this
Quiz: What Career Should You Actually Have?
This was my result.
You have a skill for language, your imagination is vast and you are artistic and creative. Your brain is just overflowing with ideas, and all you have to do is get a piece of paper and share it with the world. You were born to turn words into magical stories
Quiz: What Career Should You Actually Have?
This was my result.
Monday, May 05, 2014
A random tv programme was on.
Mama Gloria was explaining how she came about this Crisis Care clinic in Bali.
"Well, after I lost my only son to terminal cancer, I had to find something to do. After caring for my son for years, I guess I couldn't stop caring."
Mama Gloria was explaining how she came about this Crisis Care clinic in Bali.
"Well, after I lost my only son to terminal cancer, I had to find something to do. After caring for my son for years, I guess I couldn't stop caring."
Amazing............
Sunday, May 04, 2014
"Of course, there is a sensible balance. I don't think people should endure pain at all costs, there needs to be a cost-benefit analysis. If something means a lot to you, then it then becomes worth the pain because you want the reward at the end of the day. By that same token, if it is not something that you really care for, then you shouldn't really be forced to put up with unnecessary pain. " .....limpehft.blogspot.com
Saturday, May 03, 2014
The date with CLY was disasterous
The appointment was at 12.30pm at a shopping complex’s coffee shop.
We live 44km (like a marathon =p) apart and he was thoughtful enough to agree on a place that is more geographically convenient for me.
I was in the complex as early as 10.30am as I wanted to shop a little.
Parking was easy as there weren’t many shoppers this early.
But CLY wasn’t aware of this shopping complex parking’s acute congestion on a public holiday afternoon. (He later told me how rude the other drivers were, had no regard for basic courtesy, and was almost challenged into a fight for a parking spot.)
So, I was left waiting for him in the coffee shop for two hours as he was stuck in the parking basement, before he called me to request for a change of venue.
When I drove out of the building, I was stuck in the jam as I had no other route option but to take the congested highway. He reached the reassigned venue place much earlier than me as he could take the smaller roads in the housing area.
Hence, we only managed to meet at 4pm.
Both of us were really drained from all the stressful congestion and were yawning quite a bit throughout the entire chat.
I have met him 4 times prior to this date and I can say that CLY isn’t a hunk at all. (OK, this statement sounds too judgmental hence I need to add that I’m no looker myself.)
But there’s a point to this cruel description.
As I was listening intently to his work and study stories, I caught a different glimpse of him.
For that millisecond, I thought he looked quite nice.
Just for that millisecond.
Then there was another millisecond.
For that TWO whole millisecond, I thought he looked handsome.
OMG. What’s happening?
Was it an imprint? Like in Twilight series?
Ok, I added that part just for laughs. I’m not that silly.
But something did happen.
The appointment was at 12.30pm at a shopping complex’s coffee shop.
We live 44km (like a marathon =p) apart and he was thoughtful enough to agree on a place that is more geographically convenient for me.
I was in the complex as early as 10.30am as I wanted to shop a little.
Parking was easy as there weren’t many shoppers this early.
But CLY wasn’t aware of this shopping complex parking’s acute congestion on a public holiday afternoon. (He later told me how rude the other drivers were, had no regard for basic courtesy, and was almost challenged into a fight for a parking spot.)
So, I was left waiting for him in the coffee shop for two hours as he was stuck in the parking basement, before he called me to request for a change of venue.
When I drove out of the building, I was stuck in the jam as I had no other route option but to take the congested highway. He reached the reassigned venue place much earlier than me as he could take the smaller roads in the housing area.
Hence, we only managed to meet at 4pm.
Both of us were really drained from all the stressful congestion and were yawning quite a bit throughout the entire chat.
I have met him 4 times prior to this date and I can say that CLY isn’t a hunk at all. (OK, this statement sounds too judgmental hence I need to add that I’m no looker myself.)
But there’s a point to this cruel description.
As I was listening intently to his work and study stories, I caught a different glimpse of him.
For that millisecond, I thought he looked quite nice.
Just for that millisecond.
Then there was another millisecond.
For that TWO whole millisecond, I thought he looked handsome.
OMG. What’s happening?
Was it an imprint? Like in Twilight series?
Ok, I added that part just for laughs. I’m not that silly.
But something did happen.
Friday, May 02, 2014
12 Lifestyle Factors That Make You Feel Depressed
Megan Bruneau ;
Many clients come to me believing there is “something wrong” with them. They believe they’re fundamentally flawed, or they're making a last-ditch attempt at life, often with plans to end theirs if things don’t improve. However, more often than not, the root of their depression is not a biochemical imbalance or a life-sentence. Rather, it’s a result of one or more of the following:
1. Isolation
Of all the research out there, social connection is one of the most proven ways to prevent and cure depression. However, the problem is that depression will often tell us we’re no fun and nobody wants to hang out with us, leading us back to isolation. Acknowledge that the thought does not serve you and, given your current state, and reach out. Join a Meetup group, a team, or call an old friend.
2. Grief
Ever been through a breakup, lost a job, experienced the loss of a family member or pet, or found yourself out of school for the first time? All of these situations are thick with grief. If you’ve experienced a major transition or loss in the past year (or longer if you’ve suppressed your grief), chances are your depression might be tied to that. Grief mimics depression, so feeling unmotivated, low, irritable, disinterested in things you used to enjoy, disconnected, unable to focus, and experiencing disturbances in your sleep and diet are likely related to your adjustment to the transition or loss.
3. Sleep-deprivation
Ever noticed how much more fragile and lethargic you are after a bad sleep? Exhaustion affects our mood, our energy levels, and our cognitive functioning. The problem is, depression can cause sleep disturbances, so it can become a vicious cycle. Speak with your therapist about ensuring proper sleep hygiene, learning cognitive behavioral strategies for managing insomnia, and, if you believe you might have a sleep disorder, consider getting a referral to a sleep specialist. Some sleep disorders are highly-correlated with depression.
4. Missing meaning
From an existential perspective, we require meaning in our lives for happiness. According to Viktor Frankl, we can find this meaning through work, relationships (romantic and otherwise), helping others, learning, creative endeavors (e.g. writing, music, art/design), and spirituality, to name a few. If you’re in a career you despise, or feel “lost” in life, depression has likely come about to tell you that the way you’re living your life does not align with your values and desires. Take it as a positive sign that change needs to happen, and consider how your life would look if you felt fulfilled in some (or all) of the aforementioned areas.
5. A critical inner voice
Imagine how worthless you’d feel if you had a verbally-abusive friend, partner, or parent beside you at all times. Well, this is how it is for many people who are highly self-critical. Pay attention to your internal voice. What’s its flavor? If you find you’re saying things to yourself that you would never say to a friend, it’s time to make a change. Several studies have shown that learning self-compassion can be an effective intervention in treating depression. Therapy can be a wonderful place to learn this language of healthy striving.
6. A lack of exercise
Along with social connection, exercise is another variable that is highly supported in its relationship to depression. There’s no need to join a CrossFit gym or to sign up for a marathon (although you can do that, too), but you’re likely to notice a difference in your mood from doing 20 minutes of yoga on your lunch hour, or getting out for a walk around the block after work. No time? Combine it with #1 and ask a friend to go for a walk.
7. Not enough nature
Recently, several studies have supported the benefits of “ecotherapy” or “green therapy” in treating depression. It fosters mindfulness and feelings of calm. When’s the last time you got outside and were surrounded by green? Try to fit this into your daily routine—even if it’s for only five minutes! If you live in a big city, make a point to hit up a park or shoreline.
8. Poor diet
More and more research is emerging that suggests nutrient deficiencies and food allergies are linked to depression. For example, studies have shown vitamins B and D are negatively correlated with depressed mood, while gluten is positively correlated (in those who suffer from intolerance). Every individual is different, but getting a blood test and seeing a naturopath, dietician, or holistic nutritionist might benefit you.
9. Stress
Studies have shown that chronic stress can lead to depression. Some stress is good, but when it outweighs coping, it might be a factor in why you’re feeling depressed. If you can’t cut some of your responsibilities, consider assessing where the expectations you feel are coming from (i.e. someone else, or yourself), and take some of the pressure off. Permit yourself to lower your expectations for performance, make mistakes, quit, and ask for help. In other words, stop treating yourself like a machine and let yourself be a human being.
10. All work & no play
Many people are under the (false) impression that once we reach adulthood we no longer need or deserve “fun.” Or that we’re only allowed to have “fun” once our work is done. Well, given the fact that there will ALWAYS be something more to do—another bill to pay, another project to complete, or another load of laundry to do—chances are you’re setting yourself up for a life that’s not very enjoyable. Allow yourself to carve some time out of your daily schedule to do something you enjoy. This could be an activity, or it could be lying on the couch watching Netflix.
11. Imbalanced hormones
Imbalances or deficiencies in estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol are all correlated with depression. Consider checking out these areas to ensure the depression you’re experiencing is not related to one of these!
12. Not dealing with emotions
We have primary and secondary feelings. Primary feelings are the ones that we feel at the core—for example, sadness or anger, anxiety or loneliness. Secondary feelings what we feel when we judge ourselves for having the primary feelings. Imagine you’re feeling depressed, but then you beat yourself up for feeling depressed and tell yourself you’re broken and need to stop feeling depressed. Now you’re not just feeling depressed; you’re also feeling shameful, pressured, and frustrated. By giving yourself permission to feel the feelings that come up (whatever they may be) with compassion and without judgment, you may notice a weight lifted off your shoulders.
Many clients come to me believing there is “something wrong” with them. They believe they’re fundamentally flawed, or they're making a last-ditch attempt at life, often with plans to end theirs if things don’t improve. However, more often than not, the root of their depression is not a biochemical imbalance or a life-sentence. Rather, it’s a result of one or more of the following:
1. Isolation
Of all the research out there, social connection is one of the most proven ways to prevent and cure depression. However, the problem is that depression will often tell us we’re no fun and nobody wants to hang out with us, leading us back to isolation. Acknowledge that the thought does not serve you and, given your current state, and reach out. Join a Meetup group, a team, or call an old friend.
2. Grief
Ever been through a breakup, lost a job, experienced the loss of a family member or pet, or found yourself out of school for the first time? All of these situations are thick with grief. If you’ve experienced a major transition or loss in the past year (or longer if you’ve suppressed your grief), chances are your depression might be tied to that. Grief mimics depression, so feeling unmotivated, low, irritable, disinterested in things you used to enjoy, disconnected, unable to focus, and experiencing disturbances in your sleep and diet are likely related to your adjustment to the transition or loss.
3. Sleep-deprivation
Ever noticed how much more fragile and lethargic you are after a bad sleep? Exhaustion affects our mood, our energy levels, and our cognitive functioning. The problem is, depression can cause sleep disturbances, so it can become a vicious cycle. Speak with your therapist about ensuring proper sleep hygiene, learning cognitive behavioral strategies for managing insomnia, and, if you believe you might have a sleep disorder, consider getting a referral to a sleep specialist. Some sleep disorders are highly-correlated with depression.
4. Missing meaning
From an existential perspective, we require meaning in our lives for happiness. According to Viktor Frankl, we can find this meaning through work, relationships (romantic and otherwise), helping others, learning, creative endeavors (e.g. writing, music, art/design), and spirituality, to name a few. If you’re in a career you despise, or feel “lost” in life, depression has likely come about to tell you that the way you’re living your life does not align with your values and desires. Take it as a positive sign that change needs to happen, and consider how your life would look if you felt fulfilled in some (or all) of the aforementioned areas.
5. A critical inner voice
Imagine how worthless you’d feel if you had a verbally-abusive friend, partner, or parent beside you at all times. Well, this is how it is for many people who are highly self-critical. Pay attention to your internal voice. What’s its flavor? If you find you’re saying things to yourself that you would never say to a friend, it’s time to make a change. Several studies have shown that learning self-compassion can be an effective intervention in treating depression. Therapy can be a wonderful place to learn this language of healthy striving.
6. A lack of exercise
Along with social connection, exercise is another variable that is highly supported in its relationship to depression. There’s no need to join a CrossFit gym or to sign up for a marathon (although you can do that, too), but you’re likely to notice a difference in your mood from doing 20 minutes of yoga on your lunch hour, or getting out for a walk around the block after work. No time? Combine it with #1 and ask a friend to go for a walk.
7. Not enough nature
Recently, several studies have supported the benefits of “ecotherapy” or “green therapy” in treating depression. It fosters mindfulness and feelings of calm. When’s the last time you got outside and were surrounded by green? Try to fit this into your daily routine—even if it’s for only five minutes! If you live in a big city, make a point to hit up a park or shoreline.
8. Poor diet
More and more research is emerging that suggests nutrient deficiencies and food allergies are linked to depression. For example, studies have shown vitamins B and D are negatively correlated with depressed mood, while gluten is positively correlated (in those who suffer from intolerance). Every individual is different, but getting a blood test and seeing a naturopath, dietician, or holistic nutritionist might benefit you.
9. Stress
Studies have shown that chronic stress can lead to depression. Some stress is good, but when it outweighs coping, it might be a factor in why you’re feeling depressed. If you can’t cut some of your responsibilities, consider assessing where the expectations you feel are coming from (i.e. someone else, or yourself), and take some of the pressure off. Permit yourself to lower your expectations for performance, make mistakes, quit, and ask for help. In other words, stop treating yourself like a machine and let yourself be a human being.
10. All work & no play
Many people are under the (false) impression that once we reach adulthood we no longer need or deserve “fun.” Or that we’re only allowed to have “fun” once our work is done. Well, given the fact that there will ALWAYS be something more to do—another bill to pay, another project to complete, or another load of laundry to do—chances are you’re setting yourself up for a life that’s not very enjoyable. Allow yourself to carve some time out of your daily schedule to do something you enjoy. This could be an activity, or it could be lying on the couch watching Netflix.
11. Imbalanced hormones
Imbalances or deficiencies in estrogen, progesterone, and cortisol are all correlated with depression. Consider checking out these areas to ensure the depression you’re experiencing is not related to one of these!
12. Not dealing with emotions
We have primary and secondary feelings. Primary feelings are the ones that we feel at the core—for example, sadness or anger, anxiety or loneliness. Secondary feelings what we feel when we judge ourselves for having the primary feelings. Imagine you’re feeling depressed, but then you beat yourself up for feeling depressed and tell yourself you’re broken and need to stop feeling depressed. Now you’re not just feeling depressed; you’re also feeling shameful, pressured, and frustrated. By giving yourself permission to feel the feelings that come up (whatever they may be) with compassion and without judgment, you may notice a weight lifted off your shoulders.
1. I forced myself to think about what I liked about myself.
I'm a great listener.
I have a talent for learning foreign languages.
People often tell me they love my voice.
I'm a good cook.
I have a talent for design (plus a few other things).
I never would have expected it but the list I put together was not only surprisingly long — it also made me feel really good!
2.. I broke down my ultimate goal in life into realistic interim goals.
Because I had already failed so many times, I knew that overwhelm would kill my motivation and throw me right back to square one. To make sure this wouldn't happen again, I split my big goal into small weekly goals, always asking myself:
On a scale of 1 to 10, how certain am I that I can achieve this goal this week?
If I thought that a 10, 9 or 8 were realistic, I knew I was right on track. If I honestly felt that my chances were lower, I simply adjusted my goal until I saw a big: "YES, I CAN DO THAT!" right in front of me.
Guess what happened to my "vibe" after starting to accomplish one goal after the other?
3. I practiced visualization exercises every single day.
Whatever goal I set for myself, I visualized achieving it vividly every single day. I started and ended my days thinking about what I was going to achieve next. This way I always got out of and into bed with a positive mindset and my subconscious, which couldn't tell the difference between "real" images and the ones I created in my mind's eye, started to get used to my new reality.
Also, I made more lists and noted down everything which I was, were able to do and had achieved already. I forced myself to see and feel that I was amazing already. I heard a lovely buzzing that was telling me:
You are perfect just the way you are!
That's how I found it. My very own je ne said quo, which raised my energetic vibe to a level where almost everything I attract is genuinely positive and which helped me achieve more than I would ever have dreamed of.
I'm a great listener.
I have a talent for learning foreign languages.
People often tell me they love my voice.
I'm a good cook.
I have a talent for design (plus a few other things).
I never would have expected it but the list I put together was not only surprisingly long — it also made me feel really good!
2.. I broke down my ultimate goal in life into realistic interim goals.
Because I had already failed so many times, I knew that overwhelm would kill my motivation and throw me right back to square one. To make sure this wouldn't happen again, I split my big goal into small weekly goals, always asking myself:
On a scale of 1 to 10, how certain am I that I can achieve this goal this week?
If I thought that a 10, 9 or 8 were realistic, I knew I was right on track. If I honestly felt that my chances were lower, I simply adjusted my goal until I saw a big: "YES, I CAN DO THAT!" right in front of me.
Guess what happened to my "vibe" after starting to accomplish one goal after the other?
3. I practiced visualization exercises every single day.
Whatever goal I set for myself, I visualized achieving it vividly every single day. I started and ended my days thinking about what I was going to achieve next. This way I always got out of and into bed with a positive mindset and my subconscious, which couldn't tell the difference between "real" images and the ones I created in my mind's eye, started to get used to my new reality.
Also, I made more lists and noted down everything which I was, were able to do and had achieved already. I forced myself to see and feel that I was amazing already. I heard a lovely buzzing that was telling me:
You are perfect just the way you are!
That's how I found it. My very own je ne said quo, which raised my energetic vibe to a level where almost everything I attract is genuinely positive and which helped me achieve more than I would ever have dreamed of.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
Tuesday, April 29, 2014
"You were quoting the online newspaper?
And it never occur to you to use apostrophes?"
I don't know if I find this frustrating or funny.
But since I was smiling and giggling in front of the monitor, it must be the latter.
CLY and I were clarifying the things he typed last Saturday night.
He thought I was upset, thinking he was drunk.
So, he was trying to justify that he knew what he was saying.
But it didn't occur to him that I could have misunderstood his statements, thinking he was 'talking' to me directly.
I think we both had a good laugh.
Well, I can't see his actual face, so at least I'm sure there were laughters on my side of the screen.
I'm glad that this happened, really.
Makes the whole relationship more relaxed now.
Then, he typed.
"I really do like you. I think you're really cute."
Hmm.
At least this time, I don't feel worried.
=)
And it never occur to you to use apostrophes?"
I don't know if I find this frustrating or funny.
But since I was smiling and giggling in front of the monitor, it must be the latter.
CLY and I were clarifying the things he typed last Saturday night.
He thought I was upset, thinking he was drunk.
So, he was trying to justify that he knew what he was saying.
But it didn't occur to him that I could have misunderstood his statements, thinking he was 'talking' to me directly.
I think we both had a good laugh.
Well, I can't see his actual face, so at least I'm sure there were laughters on my side of the screen.
I'm glad that this happened, really.
Makes the whole relationship more relaxed now.
Then, he typed.
"I really do like you. I think you're really cute."
Hmm.
At least this time, I don't feel worried.
=)
Monday, April 28, 2014
Like many other large cities, Tokyo, Japan, has a sizable homeless population. There’s something different about the homeless in Tokyo, though, especially those living in Shinjuku Station. Instead of living with messy bags and shopping carts in tow, this group of homeless people decided to do something a little different.
They don’t bother passers by and they don’t create a mess. The people who live in the station have an organized little community… of cardboard homes.
This reminds me of my old posting here
我活在當下和感激當下，同時覺得自己會過得更加好只因為我珍惜當下。。。。。。
不是, 是因為妳還活著所以特別珍貴
不是, 是因為妳還活著所以特別珍貴
"No, it's because you're here that makes it all worthwhile."
I'm more worried that I'm flattered.
I think I would have felt differently had I received such message in my younger years.
In retrospect, I think it's amazing how far I've come.
I was actually in the darkest pit in 2008, and look at me now.
Someone is actually professing that I bring joy to his life.
I'm happy for myself.
No matter how brief this may be.
Sunday, April 27, 2014
I was relaxing in the facial spa when I heard this obnoxious voice talking loudly over the phone.
Her phone wouldn't stop ringing and she would have endless conversations which didn't seem urgent at all.
When she wasn't talking on the phone, she was making demands to be served immediately, despite being late for her manicure appointment.
“You need to learn to respect customers! I can sue you!” etc etc * bitchy nonsense *
When it was my turn to be attended to, the staff was so professional , unperturbed, and didn’t show any trace of annoyance from the previous insulting experience with that obnoxious woman.
She was smiling sweetly and speaking ever so gently.
I immediately felt relaxed already.
Wow. Such professionalism.
Respect.
Her phone wouldn't stop ringing and she would have endless conversations which didn't seem urgent at all.
When she wasn't talking on the phone, she was making demands to be served immediately, despite being late for her manicure appointment.
“You need to learn to respect customers! I can sue you!” etc etc * bitchy nonsense *
When it was my turn to be attended to, the staff was so professional , unperturbed, and didn’t show any trace of annoyance from the previous insulting experience with that obnoxious woman.
She was smiling sweetly and speaking ever so gently.
I immediately felt relaxed already.
Wow. Such professionalism.
Respect.
Friday, April 25, 2014
A message from a good friend, Max.
"If the guy wants to be with your friend, he would not be NOT smiling.
He prefers to be with you. Why do you want to deny this?
If you message the guy now, "Oh, I think I like you." He will be excited, I'm sure.
God Blesses but you must choose to accept the blessings .
No one can help you on this.
You will always have the choice of a better life.
It's dangerous to think that God has forsaken you because you have this condition.
There is always at least one reason why things happen in your life.
I know you will be reading all these.
My main point is... You are given a choice, choose wisely.
Bye."
There's a huge lump in my throat.
My heart feels like it's twisted.
My face is flushed.
My eyes are red.
I'm holding it all back in as I'm currently in the office.
**
Max added this, perhaps after reading the above.
"I wept in the gents after writing all these to you.
I wish you all the best.
You deserve to have happiness in your life.
You do."
"If the guy wants to be with your friend, he would not be NOT smiling.
He prefers to be with you. Why do you want to deny this?
If you message the guy now, "Oh, I think I like you." He will be excited, I'm sure.
God Blesses but you must choose to accept the blessings .
No one can help you on this.
You will always have the choice of a better life.
It's dangerous to think that God has forsaken you because you have this condition.
There is always at least one reason why things happen in your life.
I know you will be reading all these.
My main point is... You are given a choice, choose wisely.
Bye."
There's a huge lump in my throat.
My heart feels like it's twisted.
My face is flushed.
My eyes are red.
I'm holding it all back in as I'm currently in the office.
**
Max added this, perhaps after reading the above.
"I wept in the gents after writing all these to you.
I wish you all the best.
You deserve to have happiness in your life.
You do."
I think I really messed up.
I went to dinner with CLY and brought along YL.
Main reason is I bought too many coupons for the dinner and needed a 3rd person to help.
When I told my friends about this arrangement, everyone unanimously agreed that I'm giving out mixed signals and CLY might not like it.
I didn’t feel it was a serious faux pas until I saw that CLY was visibly disappointed upon arrival.
Unlike the previous appointments, he wasn't smiling this time.
I chatted with Mn + Cc about this today at lunch.
“I FB messaged him and for the first time, he didn't reply, despite having read it. (the seen indicator was on). This has never happened before. He always replies my messages immediately upon reading. He must be upset with me,” I pouted.
“Oh, you messaged him privately?” asked Cc.
“In a group message, with YL.”
“OMG!”**(thank goodness she didn't choke on her rice)
So, apparently, I have handled this CLY situation very badly.
I worry for myself as my judgement capability is so impaired, that I simply don't see what's wrong it.
During last night’s dinner, I was happy to see how YL and CLY were getting along well and had even imagined them as a couple.
I had viewed their Chinese zodiac and western horoscopes earlier.
They matched perfectly.
I did view mine with CLY’s too, we’re not too bad either.
So, what exactly am I doing?
These are the messages I’ve received from people who care for me.
“Don’t you feel you deserve happiness?”
“It’s ok to feel afraid, but give both yourself and that guy a chance.”
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
“Don’t overthink. Don’t underestimate the fact that you can and do deserve good things happening in your life.” ....and the most I've received, "OMG !" "OMG!"What were you thinking?!"
My sis asked me, "So,how do you feel about all this?"
I stared at my unreplied message.
My eyes are teary.
I recall my own words when the newly acquainted colleague wanted to introduce him to me.
I was super nervous.
I said, “I don’t know what I want. What I dare pursue. Not until I’m sure, I feel uncomfortable about this.”
I’m going to let the dogs lie as they are for now.
I went to dinner with CLY and brought along YL.
Main reason is I bought too many coupons for the dinner and needed a 3rd person to help.
When I told my friends about this arrangement, everyone unanimously agreed that I'm giving out mixed signals and CLY might not like it.
I didn’t feel it was a serious faux pas until I saw that CLY was visibly disappointed upon arrival.
Unlike the previous appointments, he wasn't smiling this time.
I chatted with Mn + Cc about this today at lunch.
“I FB messaged him and for the first time, he didn't reply, despite having read it. (the seen indicator was on). This has never happened before. He always replies my messages immediately upon reading. He must be upset with me,” I pouted.
“Oh, you messaged him privately?” asked Cc.
“In a group message, with YL.”
“OMG!”**(thank goodness she didn't choke on her rice)
So, apparently, I have handled this CLY situation very badly.
I worry for myself as my judgement capability is so impaired, that I simply don't see what's wrong it.
During last night’s dinner, I was happy to see how YL and CLY were getting along well and had even imagined them as a couple.
I had viewed their Chinese zodiac and western horoscopes earlier.
They matched perfectly.
I did view mine with CLY’s too, we’re not too bad either.
So, what exactly am I doing?
These are the messages I’ve received from people who care for me.
“Don’t you feel you deserve happiness?”
“It’s ok to feel afraid, but give both yourself and that guy a chance.”
“Don’t do anything you’ll regret.”
“Don’t overthink. Don’t underestimate the fact that you can and do deserve good things happening in your life.” ....and the most I've received, "OMG !" "OMG!"What were you thinking?!"
My sis asked me, "So,how do you feel about all this?"
I stared at my unreplied message.
My eyes are teary.
I recall my own words when the newly acquainted colleague wanted to introduce him to me.
I was super nervous.
I said, “I don’t know what I want. What I dare pursue. Not until I’m sure, I feel uncomfortable about this.”
I’m going to let the dogs lie as they are for now.
Thursday, April 24, 2014
I dreamt of CLY last night.
He came to my house and I felt very uncomfortable.
My family members were there.
I had some excuse to leave and I did.
Then, I was at a different place.
A much more comfortable place.
I felt very guilty for leaving CLY so I called him to ask if he could meet me there.
What a weird dream indeed.
Now that I'm self analysing my own thoughts over the matter, I'm recalling this dream.
He came to my house and I felt very uncomfortable.
My family members were there.
I had some excuse to leave and I did.
Then, I was at a different place.
A much more comfortable place.
I felt very guilty for leaving CLY so I called him to ask if he could meet me there.
What a weird dream indeed.
Now that I'm self analysing my own thoughts over the matter, I'm recalling this dream.
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