Lies lies

I knew that my sis knows my blog’s address but was secretly hoping that she wouldn’t read it. Why should she anyway? She lives with me.
Yesterday, she told me she does.
I asked why.
“You were that Bored?”
“Err, yeah. And you don’t talk to me.”

And this point, I got really angry. Really angry.
It’s like knowing the hazards of second hand cigarette smoke and still puffing it directly to my face.

She told me that dad read my diary when I was in the hospital.
Yes. The metaphor of puffing that second hand smoke to my face can’t be any better.

So all these caring people who wants to understand me, reads my inner most feeling and still behave like that?

The details about what hurt me, when it hurt me, how I felt, and that just didn’t matter.
According to how they are behaving, it seems like they were just looking for evidence to prosecute me.

Yesterday, my sis and I had another usual confrontation.
She just had to reaffirm to me that all the bad things that happened to me was my responsibility.
“Why didn’t you…. Why didn’t you….So, what now? You’re just buying time to die?”

I was covering my head shaking. My head hurt real badly. All I could hear was
‘Lies, Lies, Lies, Lies’
I seek refuge in my room.
I was sobbing like mad. All that familiar feeling came back.
I wanted to hurt myself; I wanted to tear everything apart.

For years I told myself it will be better. Now I know, it can’t.
Because I am already damaged.

You think I want perfection. No, I merely want to understand.
I can’t understand the cruelty.