Haunting memories

My memory is very blur.
I don’t know if it’s the ECT or my personal mental breakdown.
Sometimes I recall things that I wonder if it really did happen.
Memories are mostly painful and disturbing for me.

It was Chinese New Year. I think I was in my teens.
My mother gave us angpows. I was very happy because I should be. It was the first day of the Chinese calendar.
Then, I noticed my brother’s and sister’s packs were somewhat thicker.
I asked them to open.
They both had Rm10 more.
Oh, my God. As I’m recalling this, I’m thinking, it’s true. It really did happen. What kind of mother is that? And why am I still here? I was supposed to move out of here. To build my own identity outside the family. But how was I to know that I was so broken that I couldn’t fly out of the nest, I now don’t even have the desire to live.

Today, I received a Chinese New year card from a ‘friend’. Another memory came to mind. The teacher’s chair was filled with glue and she had asked someone to change the chair for her. That someone changed mine with hers for the convenience that I was in the toilet at that time.
I came back and sat.
This ‘friend’ sits behind me, saw the whole thing and said nothing. Nobody warned me. This was how seriously bad my social life was since…… I was old enough to want to have friends.