Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother.
-Kahlil Gibran

I have very little or perhaps no confidence at all within myself.

Previously I had worked in jobs which many would agree that it's beneath what I've been educated for.
But due to my crumbs of remaining self-worth, I was actually complacent with the position.

Until lately.

Perhaps due to my exposure to the outside world and no longer hiding in my house - My confidence grew a little and I had attempted to apply for writing jobs.

Was called up for interviews and now I'm sweating.

Wish me luck.

I have insurmountable respect for people who take their work very seriously.
It's easy to spot them.
They're the ones who actually CARE about their service, products, customers, complaints.... etc..

Those highest in my list are usually those in the lower level of hierarchy.
Despite the lack of respect the general public has towards them, they still hold great pride in their work.

I've witness with great admiration -

• A security guard rearranging the bank forms, picking up litter, directing 'lost' customers.
• A security guard getting people in a government hospital to take numbers in a queue , later explaining in his own microphone voice about the flawed system and how we, the patients should understand.
• Genuine smiles and little chats from customer service people.

I've witness with great distaste -

• Rich people taking tons of bank documents, Ikea pencils (intended for one-per-customer to fill out their order), toilet paper. They don't need those stuff, they simply do it because they can.
• People who talk down unto others thinking that they're more superior. (delusional)
• Smart mouth people who openly criticise or behave disrespectfully thinking that the opposite party didn't hear/ couldn't understand/ wouldn't be hurt by their actions.

If I could have ONE gift, it would be the gift of the movie, "Shallow Hal" - to be able to see another person's true worth, inside- out.

after 2 weeks of scratching the dark red itchy rash all over my body, I was hoping that the Doc will start to take me more seriously.

Instead, it was another jab on the arm, ( which left me momentarily half paralysed) and the same old medicine.

Two days.

I'm giving it another two days before I seek a different opinion.

I have an American E-pal who is also a struggling mental-patient.
Though she has access to better health care and support, she remains very understanding of my situation.

I tell her everything that is in my mind - Unedited.
It was in her strong opinion that I'm not ready to function 'outside' and needs to spend more time 'recovering'.

I know she means well.
I also know that she'd agree with me that

in the 'world' I'm living,

there's no patience nor understanding sufficient enough

for me to take time off for 'recovery'.

All my life, till now even - I've always felt stupid, inadequate, the odd one, unworthy... simply - LOST.

Even if you see me now , you'd agree that I look very blur.

So, when I receive praises like these...

"You can really write very well." " You're talented." "You've really got something going on." "You have a lot on the ball."

It's comforting to receive them but immediately I ask myself,

"if so, then why am I in this current sad state?"

Marriage.

Due to the fact that I'm the offspring of the UNhappiest and CRAziest marriage ever, this word scares the hell out of me.

But still,
I believe that there are marriages that DO work out.
Marriages that ARE truly happy.

Back in college, I met an ex-schoolmate who then told me her plans to study this .. pursue this...
Then months later, BAM! Through email, she told me that she's already married and expecting a baby girl soon.
*calculating with fingers* Baby Hannah must be at least 5 years old now.

Just today, also via E-mail, a another peer told me she's already registered. So, she's also a married woman - legally.

W-O-W...........

I believe that once you're above 18 onwards, any age number is suitable for marriage.
As it's a personal matter, only your own personal timing will be the RIGHT timing.
There were several times I debatted with friends about the 'RIGHT' time.

All the age calculations, all the emotional 'insurance'.
Yes, all the criterias are very rational .

But nobody can calculate the one main ingredient that makes us want to marry.

Your love for your partner.

How do we calculate that?
No math genius can calculate the estimated appreciation and depreciation and the risks involves and the kind of insurance we have buy upon it.

I'm sure everyone really meant their wedding vows, everyone did hope that 'till death do us part'.
But in the end, we can't calculate the feelings for each other in the coming years ahead.

However, I remain surprisingly optimistic.

There are so many types of risk in life.

This risk of marriage is definitely worth taking.

I was chatting with an online pal.
I replied,

"Society is very unforgiving and intolerant of anything out of their own norm"

Then, he cut and pasted it in his msn message.

--Felt a teeny wee bit flattered but got over it very quickly because I know it's a very UNoriginal statement.

which is the worse tragedy?

A bad minister in a good government;

or a good minister in a bad government ?

"Are you working or studying?"

When I'm asked this question, I get quite paranoid.

• why ah? I look immature?
• I need to put on make up?- must be my lack of grooming
• my clothes? - boohoo, let's not even go there
• I behave very immaturely?
• was it something I said?

My fav. series Criminal Minds is back on 8tv. I like it so much because it has many great quotes...

Reid: Mr. Garner, a fisher king wound cannot be healed by somebody else. It's... it's not a wound of the body. It's a wound of the memory, a wound of the mind. It's... it's a wound that only you can find, and a wound that only you can heal.

"It has been said that time heals all wounds. I do not agree. The wounds remain. In time, the mind, protecting its sanity, covers them with scar tissue and the pain lessens, but it is never gone."- Rose Kennedy.

When I reread some of my previous writings,
I go either

• Wow,...... I wrote that ? =)

or

• Aiyo, what was I thinking? !!@ !

I went to the 7-Eleven to fax my application to a prospective employer.
The staff took copies of my application letter and proceeded with the transaction.
When she was done, she told me that only 5 of my 6 pages went through and asked me to call the company to see which one was missing.
I tried to call but no answer for I presume the company works half day or not at all on Saturday.

Upon looking at the fax confirmation slips, I realized only 3 went through. I tried to explain to the staff that this is not good, when she has charged me Rm5 for 3 papers which went through and worst, she doesn't know which didn't.

I requested her to redo the whole process because I didn't want incomplete application papers because it looks bad on me, especially when I'm trying to make an impression to my prospective employer.

She threw Rm2 at me and told me to fax again ELSEWHERE!

I was very shocked at her rude behavior as I was being exceptionally polite about it since it was her mistake that cause all this frenzy.

Her more polite colleague helped me redo the entire fax and charged me Rm6. By then, I have no strength left to argue about the Rm3 they owe me for the previous error.

While waiting for the second faxing process, I was still confused as to WHY was the Indian staff who did for me the first time reacted so badly when she made a mistake? I wasn't mad at her.

Then, it came to me. It was time for her to go home and I was perhaps delaying her.I guess I have to go somewhere farther away to fax in future.

*** I sent out four copies of a similar testimony above to the local newspapers and the 7-Eleven management itself. I feel good that I didn't lose my temper, and have chosen to react better compared before.

At 8.15 am, as I was almost ready to leave the house, my boss of my part-time job called to tell me not to come in today. She’s needs to handle an unexpected affair. (decent ones la)

I thought, “Oh my God, I’m FREE this whole day!”
The unexpected off-day caught me by pangs of exhilaration.

“I need to do something really fun!”
I can…

• Call friend A, invite her go jalan-jalan at Ikano. No, she might be busy. Friend B? She told me that she’s interested to pay Ikano a visit this weekend.
  
• Or perhaps, I should just go by myself, to avoid all the hassle of planning?
  
• Maybe I can go to the National Library to read that book which I can only find there? (old and out of print, tempted to just steal it but had the future generations in mind. NO lar, am just too coward)
  
• Go to that bookfair (is it this week?)
  
• Go to that public forum (no! that was last week!)
  

Then, I came to my senses…
Who am I kidding? What I really need to do right now are household chores; get some serious hard news reading (have not been following), watch some mindless tv programs and some good laze rest. SLEEP!!

But the whole 10 mins of activity planning in my head was fun…

Writing is my only method of therapy. I was hoping that that through expressing myself the best way I know how, I could find an avenue of solace.
My 50 something British pen-pal who is married with two daughters, has shown much empathy and understanding on the unpopular topic of depression. She queried on what triggered my mental breakdown.
I tried to explain as honest as I could in my 3rd letter, but I couldn’t bring myself to finish it. Barely on the 2nd page, I was already crying and my chest tightening. I could no longer continue. I reread my own writing.

Although I know I was being very truthful, I couldn’t believe that my testimony is real. It can’t be true! I must have exaggerated to make myself seem the poor innocent victim!

My chest continues to tighten, tears continue to fall. I know I didn’t exaggerate. That’s why it hurts so much.

Maybe this method of therapy isn’t working as I hoped it would. Now, I dare not mail the letter. I wrote the truth therefore, it sounds just as crazy as my life. I can’t let my pen-pal read such thing.

Will I ever be capable of finding my own tiny share of peace and joy in this world?

Weird.
That has always been used to describe me.
I can’t be offended because honestly, I think I’m weird too.

But there is one thing that I wish I can make a FEW people understand.
-That I’m real.
-That I’m sincere.
All the things I’ve said, all that I‘ve done or tried to do…it was all true from the heart, without any added 'intention'
And it's a great pity that you couldn't see it.

I’m so REAL that I’m harming myself by being so,

because in today’s world,

REAL is a bad word.

I'm trying hard to fit in now.....................

I shall take a deep breath before I take my place on stage.

was watching Grey's Anatomy.
People in pain behave out of their usual norm.
We all can understand that.

In the midst of struggling with both the pain and the confusion as to WHY he/she is suffering...

;the sufferer just can't hold on to her own good sense.

Besides the loss of health and other possibilities, the sufferer loses the ultimate ownership.

The personality.

I deal with toddlers everyday at work now.
I see them as pure as the ingredients we sow from the far far away village.
True to nature , Unpolluted, free from all forms of impurities.

We adults are now so....... 'manufactured' with artificial coloring and flavoring and preservatives...

At the end of the day we ask.......

How come?

I have very very bad itchy rashes at the back of my knees.
I recognise this enemy... it's my usualy allergies....

What happened?.........
My mind went back and forth... recollecting anything I did out of the norm...

think.... think... think....

Then it struck me,

I re wore the same pants to work... I must have accumulated a lot of sweat the first time I wore it but didn't realised...
That is the ONLY explanation I can come up with at the moment...

scratching... scratching.. scratching... scratching... scratching.... scratching.. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGr ..gr....GRRRRR!!!

I learn this quote from the bookstore's meeting room. It was pasted on the noticeboard, meant to encourage the staff.

"Don't let what you can't do deter you from what you can do"

I forgot the author.

I'm thinking....

Let writing be my best therapeutic method.

I shall write

and write and

write my heart out.