Not too long

I watched Grey's Anatomy and there's this one part where this terminally-ill woman telling her daughter,
"It's alright to be sad. But only for just a little while.

Not too long...."

I took a deep breath and sigh. I shut my eyes hard coz I don't want to cry over this television show.

under the sun

I've always enjoyed the sight of laundry under the sun. Even more if there is good wind.
I asked myself why.
I guess I like to see nature take away my trouble.
Seeing how wind and sun taking away my trouble, I somewhat felt assured.

That I'd be able to wear my clothes again, - Thanks to nature.

.....

The book also spoke of SUICIDE.

Of course, each fragment must experience suicide, as it must experience plague and death in a battle and execution and starvation and all other forms of death. It is part of the eternal play.

I'm towards the end

I'm currently heavily influenced by this book,
"Messages From Michael" - Chelsea Quinn Yarbro.

There are seven levels of evolution of the soul; the soul like the body, must develop within certain set limits. There is no express lane to the human understanding. There is only growth, often difficult, mostly painful because so few of you are willing to learn through joy.

The structure of false personality is a formidable one. The fixed, rigid personality is rather like a mountain of granite. Chipping away relentlessly is the sole solution. Depression is the external manisfestation of the internal struggle. Depression, by the way, is one of the only neurotic manisfestations left to the old soul.

who is happier

I remember seeing a guy who's severely physically-deformed.
One look at him and first thing that'd come to mind is _Quasimodo.
Yes, it'd evoke pity what he'd have to live with.

Immediately a thought came to mind.
He has a deformed physique.
I have a deformed mind.
I wonder who is happier?

Haunting memories

My memory is very blur.
I don’t know if it’s the ECT or my personal mental breakdown.
Sometimes I recall things that I wonder if it really did happen.
Memories are mostly painful and disturbing for me.

It was Chinese New Year. I think I was in my teens.
My mother gave us angpows. I was very happy because I should be. It was the first day of the Chinese calendar.
Then, I noticed my brother’s and sister’s packs were somewhat thicker.
I asked them to open.
They both had Rm10 more.
Oh, my God. As I’m recalling this, I’m thinking, it’s true. It really did happen. What kind of mother is that? And why am I still here? I was supposed to move out of here. To build my own identity outside the family. But how was I to know that I was so broken that I couldn’t fly out of the nest, I now don’t even have the desire to live.

Today, I received a Chinese New year card from a ‘friend’. Another memory came to mind. The teacher’s chair was filled with glue and she had asked someone to change the chair for her. That someone changed mine with hers for the convenience that I was in the toilet at that time.
I came back and sat.
This ‘friend’ sits behind me, saw the whole thing and said nothing. Nobody warned me. This was how seriously bad my social life was since…… I was old enough to want to have friends.

KuanLi

I was watching soaps with the 18-month-old toddler, KuanLi.
On tv, there was a guy teaching his friend how to kiss.
Suddenly, KuanLi just came face to face with me and kissed me on the lips!
I burst out laughing!
So cute...........

Lied

Lately, there's another 'phrase' is playing in my head besides
"I'm a bad person''

"You lied''

I wondered why such thought kept playing in my head.
Oh yes, I have been fighting depression since I was 15.
Each time, I'd say to myself - "Ah... it'll be better."
I've told myself every single different version of optimism.

Before a few minutes ago, I didn't know I had lied

It was all ME

I was upstairs crying.
Real bad. I was gasping for air.
My sister came up to check on me.
She wanted to know what happened.
I couldn't talk coherently.
I was gasping for air.

But I could never forget what I wanted to say.
"I really couldn't hear her. I was washing the dishes. It was raining."
My mother was downstairs cursing me.

# # # # #

I opened the gate and ran into the house.
I slipped and fell.
My knee was scratched.
My mother came to looked at me.
No, not to check how I was hurt.
She cursed me.
The scratch didn't hurt.
But later my eyes were wet.
The hand-me-down dress was more important.
# # # # #
I was mugged.
My sis told my dad.
His first reaction?
"See! I told you not to carry a handbag!"
I could never forget that awful smug on his face.
All the awful stories about ladies getting hurt by those chicken-ass muggers didn't even prompt him to ask me if I was hurt.
# # # # #

I was crying at the balcony.
I don't remember why. But I was sad. Really sad.
My shoulders were shaking.
My father saw me.
"So young already so much problems!"
Bam! He slammed the door.

All these are memories. Scars in my heart.
Ah.... Suddenly I have so much to write about.
About all the shitty people in my life.

my outlet

My psychiatrist told me that it's important for me to have an 'outlet' for all my negative energy.
She didn't quite believe me when I told her I have nobody to talk to.
NONE.
She couldn't believe what a loser I am.
I've tried explaining that all my life, I have been trying to make sense out of my life.
I tried to fit into my family,and into at least a handful of friends.
But obviously I have failed.

I'm tired.
Tired of reasoning.
Tired of justifying everything that has happened to me.
That's why I have not written nor read anything of quality for months.
I have given up.

"No,no... no... You try writing it all down into a piece of paper, then throw it away."

I kept quiet.
What? So, what difference does it make?
I just nod and left.
Wondering how long more I'd live.

I'm a Bad person

One of the most obvious symptoms of depression is GUILT.
For the past months, this phrase - "I'm a bad person'' would sum up as my memory verdict.

I know most people would just think that people suffering from depression are just some sorry-ass people who can't stop feeling pityful and feel that the world owes them perfection.

To me, the popular Harry Potter's Dementors had explain depression very well.

In the films, dementors appear to be considerably shorter, and fly rather than glide. In addition, close inspection reveals that the Dementors in the movies contain skeletal torsos and heads.
Being blind, Dementors sense and feed on the positive emotions of human beings to move around, forcing them to relive their worst memories. The very presence of a Dementor makes the surrounding atmosphere grow cold and dark, and the effects are cumulative with the number of Dementors present. Those kept in the company of a Dementor for too long become depressed, and are often driven insane, which is the main source of Azkaban's well-deserved horrible reputation.

Minutes of Fortune

I bought Sports Toto 4D for the first time in my life.
Why?
Because I had the most unusual dream.
And since I’m feeling suicidal, so why not?

So, on the DAY as I glanced through the results………….
Wait a minute!!
I won! I won….. I don’t know how much but it’s definitely enough to make me feel lucky!
Wait… Coz I don’t quite remember the numbers I bought.
So I took out the ticket to double check.
Hahahaha….
The winning number is 8879
I bought 7789.
But believe me, I’m darn glad I bought the ticket.
That few seconds of joy.
Yes. Ladies and gentlemen. Money CAN buy happiness.

Laughing Misery

I remember having mistakenly placed the words in the phrase,
"She laughed until she cried" to "She cried until she laughed"
The listeners of my tale laughed.
I could still remember my friend mimicking that latter expression.
We all laugh at how ridicule it would be.

Lately, I realised that it IS possible.
The pain can be so twisted, that our corresponding expressions get TWISTED too.

Blame Self

All my life, I was instilled with this mentality,
" Don't blame others for your own circumstances, but take control of your own life."
Yes, all self-help books say that.
Logical too.
BUT..........
Lately I discovered another painful truth in my life.
When I didn't blame others, but myself - I got into severe depression.
For years.

This is most probably my last post.
I’ve been introspecting my 25 years of life for the past months.
The inevitable conclusion = DISAPPOINTMENT

The greatest point of sadness is when you wish to speak but no words could come out.
In the end, we could just walk away.

Asimov's Friendship

I helped E buy Asimov's memoir and I found his thoughts on friendship very interesting.

Most friends are put together for convenience sake. We were doing the same thing at the same time. When that period of commonhood ends, the definition of the friendship dies along with it.

There are exceptions of course. Too bad for me, I wasn't fortunate enough to find/have them.

Forgotten

I have files of articles which I 've collected for years.

I was trying to file them into relevant categories when I surprised myself at the various interest of life which supposedly HAD my interest.

it's really funny.
Coz I was looking at the pieces of paper and went, "Why did I keep this?"

I felt kinda disappointed at myself when I recalled the reason.
Looking at the date of the article, I realised- I had forgotten.
Forgotten about the words and pictures that had inspired me, prompted me, planted ambitions in me, taught me.................

I had forgotten.

How I wish I'm THAT Yinnie.....

I've been mistakenly forwarded as part of the corresponding e-mail by this very vastly travelled family. I don't receive emails as much as I 'd like therefore, continued reading as part of their 'e-family'. Sad hor? Each time after I finish an email, how I wish..............
**********************************************
Hi dad and mom.
Got your emails and I've contacted Caroline Apt and they said they emailed you this morning. They said it has to be 7 days. If you want to confirm, you gotta place deposit. DO you need me to place the deposit first?
I've been really really busy. No time to email...Glad that you're having fun!

Hear from you sono!

Yinnie

Hi Loks & Yinnie,

Glad to know Joe Joe is recovering so well. We are in Slovenia capital city, Bustonjna., a very nice small city. This morning we drove down south to a city with hot spring, called Dobrna. Our group has 28 persons all old friends of mom. Has been very relaxing to travel with laught and fun. I have taken 500 photos already. Will show you when return to Melbourne.


Yin: if possible, go to Caroline and talk to them. We only want to book 5 nights instead of 7 nights. Mom is a bit worry. We are still waiting for their reply. The other thing is the phot frame. I have material and idea to make it. Hope that i have time to finish before I come over.
Loks: How is everything in China. Miss you.
Love,
Daddy Pines

Hi dad & mom!
So good to hear from you!Yes I will keep an eye on the apartment. I might give them a ring in the next few days just to get a confirmation.
I'd love to go to Prague or Europe one day! Gotta save up first! Hahaah!
Things have been good here. The weather has been quite crazy though. One day strong wind, next day bush fire. It's quite crazy. But it's fine. A lot of people are falling sick again because of the changing weather.

Oh, Jacci and Eng are engaged! He proposed last Saturday. I expected it becaue they have already started planning everything! They are getting married in April 2007. Very exciting! Jacci has asked me to be her Matron of Honour. It's called Matron of Honuor cos I'll be married. Usually, it's called Maid of Honour J hahah! So exciting!

So many weddings coming up. We just went to one last Saturday. And then 2 weeks time is Grace and Mark. And then November is ours. Then December is another friend's (one of our neighbours, who is Grace Luk's best friend), and then January is Mabel's wedding. Then a break in February, then March is another friend Juliet's wedding, and then April is Jacci and Eng! Wah!

Ok.. back to work! Hope to hear from you!

PS. Joe's neck is better. He's visiting physio to make sure it's better.

Yinnie

**************************************************************************** Hi Yinnie,
I will be fine. I got Caroline email this morning. I will handle it and send the deposit. No worry.
Have a good day. Do take care. Don't burn yourself out. Leave it to God.
Love,
Daddy Pines