By Natalie Khoo

In memory of my brother,

Brian Khoo Yew Jin (1992-2020) 

This photo was taken with my brother during our family trip to Boracay in 2016. We went paragliding, cliff jumping and sailing together on that trip — some of the more exhilarating things I’ve done. While we have very distinctive personalities, we shared a common thirst for adventure. And I’m grateful to have had my share of adventures alongside him on many other occasions than this. 

Shock. Numbness. Guilt. Pain. Loss. One after another, and all at once.

All these feelings, crashing in and out of me since four days ago, when I lost my one and only brother. Some of you may already know what happened, some of you have only found out bits of it. Some I’ve wanted to tell since the start, but either I didn’t have it in me to break the news or I’ve been drained out trying to be there for my parents whilst sorting out the final rites without violating the CMCO SOPs.

Now that I’ve had a bit of time to grieve and process what has happened, it still feels somewhat surreal. Yet, I believe it’s a story that needs to be told – not for the sake of my brother, for I am now assured and comforted that he’s in God’s loving hands – but for the sake of any amongst you or your circle who may be struggling. Hard.

My brother had been stressed out from work in the weeks before his passing. He was a senior analyst for a global company, for context. While the nature of the job is indeed demanding, we are convinced that there was more behind this that triggered his depression. Coupled with the COVID-19 lockdowns, which have constricted the amount of physical and social interactions that most knew him would know he adored, things escalated with his mental health suddenly- unbeknownst to my family.

My brother took his own life on Wednesday morning, 14th Oct 2020, he was 28.

As I felt those waves of emotions collide with the tears and the heartbreak, I grappled with the thought, “How do I even talk about this when people ask?” It’s not an accident, it’s not a physical condition. But here’s the thing, it IS a disease – and one that’s creeping into this generation now more than ever. I’ve always known mental health is important. But I never thought I would experience it so personally – through the death of a dear loved one.

I plead with u today, if you are battling anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or any other mental illness, please seek professional help. Please tell someone, even if you think they’re busy or don’t care or you don’t want to burden them with your pain. It is NOT your fault. There is no shame in asking for help. If you don’t know where to start, I’m here – feel free to DM or text me.

And for the rest, please look out of your loved ones, even old friends and acquaintances. 

So goodbye for now, gor, until I see you again. Much love from your only sister. ❤️

Taken entirely from https://www.facebook.com/nataliekhoo95

I bought this set of plants as therapy.

They were really pretty when the flowers bloomed.

The web-worms attacked both of them.

I had to trim them down to this.

Hope to see them recover.

Update: Now that I've moved I have to leave them behind.

 

These Banana Leaves-Shoots just wouldn't die.

People kept chopping them off, burning the roots even.

But they kept sprouting.

Many many times.

What an amazing will to survive.

The will to live must be a universal law.

I'm amazed each time I see the new sprouts.

They just refuse to be 'defeated'.

 Dang. 

I just realised these Banana shoots are like Phoenixes. 

Rising from ashes.

"Wow, you made this? It looks like a decorative cake !", I commented, as I stared, impressed with the kids' work.

As I continued with my work minutes later, I noticed 2 young girls hovering beside me.

I turned to see this.

 When I'm Afraid - by Cheri J.Meiners

Sometimes scary things are real.

There might be fighting somewhere, or people who want to hurt other people.

I want to be strong. I want to do things I think are right, even if they seem hard.

-by Cheri J.Meiners

“I could never back down from a challenge. When I heard Add Maths was the hardest subject, that was all I focused on without realising that I neglected my other subjects. My teachers, my mother and my brother, they tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. They said, 'It shouldn't be like this. You should work equally hard on other subjects.' 

By the time I realised they were right, I had graduated from Sirius Scholar and was pursuing my A-Levels. That was when I was faced with the darkest time in my life. My family was facing issues, my brother was struggling too and I didn't do so well for my A-Levels. I felt like everything was falling apart and fell into depression. I wanted to end it all but I was lucky to have good people in my life who constantly checked on me and tried to make me a better person. I realised that it would be unfair. I was just 18. There were so many things I could still do.

 And that was the turning point in my life. I began to recall my life as though relieving the moments from a movie reel. The words people spoke to me echoed in my head. And I realised how competitive I was, how egoistical I was. Because I was so competitive, I created a toxic environment around me.

     I remembered Teacher Ivan telling me: “You are learning the hard way.” It was the pain of realisation that made me reconsider my actions. That was when I changed. I dropped my attitude and I focused on my studies and specifically, on all my subjects equally. My life instantly changed. I did well in Monash. After completing my Bachelor of Engineering, I pursued my love for Physics in the University of College London and was awarded first-class honours. 

    Today, I’m at University of Cambridge, pursuing my PhD in Physics. 

My teachers once said, ‘Ensure your personality, your mindset, your behaviour is all in place because eventually, the results will follow.’ They were right all along. I’m happy now because I’m where I want to be right now.” ~ Matthew Teoh, Class of 2011 Alumnus, 5 Amber.

I wasn't careful last week.

I allowed myself to spiral down again.

I feel like an unrepentant addict.

My last fall was in June, less than 3 months ago.

I missed 8 days of work.

This can't do.

My job will be affected.

As usual, I was suicidal.

I came across Leslie Cheung's funeral Youtube video while browsing.

I cried when I saw so many people went to pay their respects.

Devotion by his fans and friends of the entertainment industry was obvious.

All that love, fame and fortune couldn't save him.

His last words, "I have never harmed anyone in my life, why this suffering?"

I cried.

*****************

Two days ago : My housemate tilted her head, hesitating to speak. She looked slightly scared of the words she was about to speak. Her expression worried me.

"Are you ok? Are you sick?" she asked.

" You scared me, you look like there's a ghost behind me!" I replied.

I tried to brighten up the conversation by changing the subject.

Her expression made it clearer what a mess I'm in.

And again, I got better.

It's when I begin to care about the taste in food again, when the dirt on the floor becomes unbearable, and when I laugh again.

You'll never forget your first laugh after a depression drought.

And then, the desire to write comes.

That's when I know.

Mulan was also another unexpected good movie.

When employed correctly, 4 ounces can move 1000 pounds. -Mulan

Some say the phoenix is consumed by flame and emerges again.

There is no courage without fear. -Zhou

The Farewell : A moving story about how fearful the family was of letting the Grandma know that the doctor diagnose that she has only 3 months to live. The ending was a surprise to me. 

The Grandma character whom it was based on, continued to live till this day, 6 years after the diagnosis.

I went out to buy shampoo.

In the grocery mart, I spotted a man squatting in an aisle, scrutinising a packet a flour.

Instincts tell me he's troubled.

As I browsed the shampoo aisle, I thought,

"I'm so lucky to be able to buy a shampoo at whim"

I went to a clothes-swapping event,

As I browsed at a majority of the clothes which I can't wear, I thought,

"They are so pretty," without any hint of envy but rather pure admiration for the artistic beauty in those clothes.

When I was watching NHK's Great Race. A couple who lost their only child to eating disorder, was in the race. Running the race helps them in dealing with the pain. "I can feel my daughter's presence," she said. I cried when a group of young local girls encouraged her during the race.

 I felt inspired and thought,

"It's time I start exercising. Not many how little or slow," and I did.

I watched Maru-Chan's Cafe, and felt humbled and in awe in the proprietor of the cafe.

Maru-Chan lost her daughter in a traffic accident. Now, she transfer the intensity of the hurt she's carrying into her work in making her cafe a community refuge for all ages.

Anybody can have a proper meal in her cafe in exchange for simple chores.

This exchange creates a strong sense of belonging among her patrons.

I experienced all the above positive feelings and yet,

I still would welcome death with open arms.

Passive suicidal, they call it.

 

Watched At Cafe 6 by accident.

This movie plot had an unexpected twist in the ending.

I had the inkling very early though.

The moment he stood his best friend up, 

I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.

The moment he asked his ex the question and cried but pretended to be ok with the response.

I knew he had made a resolute decision.

The moment he started recounting his regrets, I knew.

I knew.

Oh no, his decision is a tragic one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this eerily strong sense of familiarity.

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

 at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,  

James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.

And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination. 

Sanjiv Daevin with his long-time musician friend Eddie Zachariah (right) on their way to an international music festival. 

 PETALING JAYA, August 6 — Eddy Zachariah had been pals with A. Sanjiv Daevin for more than half of Sanjiv’s life. Ever since Sanjiv was a fresh-faced teenager who joined the Aseana Percussion Unit (APU) in 2001. 

 That’s what made it so difficult for Zachariah when he heard the news that his “partner-in-crime” was found dead by the police on Monday, after falling from his 12th-floor condominium in Bandar Kinrara, Serdang. 

 Zachariah told Malay Mail that he was gutted when he found out what had happened and still cannot imagine that his bright-smiled friend would ever take his own life. 

 “It was a really big, terrible shock. We were very, very close and had so many good times together. We spoke a few weeks ago and everything was fine. He was normal and we were even making plans to go out one of these days,” said Zachariah. 

 “On Sunday night he was with some of his former pilot crew members, and they were shocked as well when they heard because when they parted ways he seemed fine and even said that he would catch up with them soon. 

But the next day it happened. “That’s the big question mark that’s hanging. He never showed any signs of depression or sadness. That’s the thing that is so hard to accept.”

Sanjiv, 35, used to work as a pilot for AirAsia, before being let go during the MCO, and was also an extremely skilled musician who could play seven different instruments as well as a qualified music instructor at Music Mart in Petaling Jaya.

Zachariah said that while he is devastated by Sanjiv’s passing, he is determined to remember his old friend for all of his positive traits, saying that Sanjiv was always a kind friend and intelligent musician.

“He was a real go-getter. Since he was young, whenever he puts his mind to something, he really does it,” said Zachariah.

“He spent one year in Germany and could speak fluent German by the end of it. He studied and graduated in IT and then pursued his dream of becoming a pilot. After three years at AirAsia, he became a captain, but he would still perform gigs with us.”

He added that Sanjiv was also very professional and disciplined when it came to his work.

“All his friends at AirAsia said that Sanjiv was a real pro, who lived to work. And he really cared about his job too because whenever he has an upcoming flight he’ll tell me he can’t come out for drinks. But as soon as he has some time off, he will call me out,” said Zachariah.

Zachariah also said that Sanjiv used to love spending time outdoors and would go road cycling with his friends every weekend.

Edwin Nathaniel, APU leader and also a good friend of Sanjiv’s, fondly remembers how Sanjiv took over his sister Sujatha’s place in APU all those years ago.

 

Last Tuesday my son Johan Alam came home and sat with me and his sister in the hall. Then he cried.

He had just returned from the wake of Sanjiv Daevin, 35, who had fallen to his death a day earlier.They became pals more than 10 years ago when they were course mates at Malaysian Flying Academy in Malacca.

One thing Johan said that struck me like an arrow through the heart was, “It could have been me.”

“Why didn’t Sanjiv call someone?” Johan asked. “Yes, he lost his job but life was still fine for him.”

But then we never know. We always assume that things are okay because people with personal problems or depression hardly ever reveal much to others.

When Johan and his friends left the wake after paying their respects, they agreed that it is absolutely vital for them to keep in touch regularly. They also agreed to talk to each other if any of them has problems.

Sanjiv, also a talented musician, was retrenched from his piloting job a few months ago but those close to him didn’t realise the extent of his stress.

Sanjiv had even been to our house those days. He would even car pool with Johan once a while to go back to Malacca.

They went separate ways after flying school and hardly contacted each other then on.

We need to be more alert to what our loved ones (including friends) are going through and be ready to listen and help.

Johan, while friendly with everyone, is not generous with words when describing and assessing people. But in Sanjiv, he said he has lost a wonderful friend. That says a lot about the great guy Sanjiv was.

Wind calm, cleared for take-off … until next time, buddy

– Johan Alam

It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama

I just love these stories that are told in the movie.

1.The boy who fed on nightmares.

"All my bad memories are gone. But why can't I be happy?"

"Hurtful painful memories, memories of deep regret,

Memories of hurting others, of being hurt, 

of being abandoned,

Only those with such memories buried in their hearts

become stronger, more compassionate.

and emotionally resilient.

And only these people can feel true happiness.

Remember it all and live despite of it.

If not, you will always be the kid whose emotional soul never grows.

2.The cheerful Dog.

 During the day, while people are out and about, he is always so cheerful and vibrant! 

Come nightfall, he ends up crying and whining, wishing to run free and play in the field. 

A voice within him says: “Why not cut the leash and go enjoy?” 

At that moment, the dog realized that he doesn’t know how to escape his leash because he’s been so used to being tied to the tree, and he simply does not know what to do anymore.

3. The Masked boy, Empty-Can girl and Boxed boy search for their real faces all their life.

The Shadow witch actually hadn't stolen their faces, but their courage to find true happiness for themselves.

An old acquaintance from the ward wrote this in his blog 
走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己，会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!

Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.

坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.

When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."

1.was watching NHK's Invisible Homeless: People Living in Cars 
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,

"Tonight, do you wonder if there are any invisible homeless people near you?"

2.in the Korean drama -It's ok not to be ok, Gang Tae was comforting a patient in a psychiatric ward. The issue that had burdened the patient's emotional and mental health for so many years, had resurfaced. 

She was bawling.

The camera pan out the adult patient's character and pan in into the same patient who is now the little girl she was when the abuse happened. 

The director was graphically astute in describing the patient's feeling to the audience.

After all these years, she's still that little girl who is still hurting.

My tears inevitably trickled.

Was happy to hear that Raym 's contract has been renewed.
Boss decided to adjust his employment terms so that he's able to cope.
Boss is indeed compassionate.

The cleaner who was I was quite close to, suffered a stroke.
A week ago, she had complained about headaches and lethargy.
I gently advised her to rest more and not work the extra shifts.
She even regularly took side jobs as a masseuse.
I hope she gets well soon.

한숨 hansum “Breathe” by Lee Hi
Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel
Like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

[Chorus]
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you

[Verse 2]
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words

[Verse 3]

Even if others think your sigh

Takes out energy and strength

I already know

That you had a day that’s hard enough

To let out even a small sigh

Now don’t think of anything else

Let out a deep sigh

Just let it out like that

[Outro]

Someone’s breath. That heavy breath

How can I see through that?

Though I can’t understand your breath

It’s alright I’ll hold you

You really did a good job

Artist: Jonghyun (김종현 ) Song: 하루의 끝 (End of a Day)

Hold out your hand, wrap it around my neck

A little below, massage my shoulders

At the end of a tiring day

Even if the sun has already come up

I’m finally closing my eyes

 

I close the door to my day later than others

Playfully tickle my earlobe

Because even though we’ve been in different worlds all day

We always end the day together

 

Your small shoulders, your small hands

Become my cozy blanket at the end of a tiring day

You did a good job today, you worked so hard

I hope my shoulders and my thick hands

Will become cozy comfort

For the end of your tiring day as well

I want to naturally sync my breathing with yours

 

Like water in a bathtub that wraps around you

With no space left

I wanna warmly hold you without any space left

At the end of my day, filled with awkward mistakes

You, my prize, are waiting for me

 

I can’t cry all I want or even laugh all I want

At the end of a tiring day but still, if I’m next to you

Like a child, I can whine and then laugh

Till I run out of breath

I’m not used to seeing myself like this

 

You did a good job today, you worked so hard

You are my prize

Taken from https://aramajapan.com/news
Haruma Miura was born in Ibaraki in 1990. His mother got divorced when he was a baby, which is why his family name “Miura” is her mother’s last name. His debut was at 7 as an extra on NHK’s famous morning drama “AGRI”. In 2006, acted as the boyfriend of the female hero on “14-Year-old Mother”, which made him rise to popularity. In 2007, the romantic love movie “Koizora” made him win the Japan Academy Prize for Best Rookie. “Eternal Zero” and the Broadway musical “Kinky Boots” for his role as a drag queen made him a solid star with great success in the entertainment world. He was eager to learn English and studied in England for three months in 2017. According to some source, he wanted to stay longer but his agency Amuse opposed, so Haruma needed to come back immediately afterwards.

During the COVID-19’s emergency declaration, he shared a lot of information about his cooking on social network sites.

On July 18, 2020, he didn’t appear at the shooting site of his latest drama, which was set to premiere in September. His last appearance was at the shooting site on the previous day, and he reportedly had chatted and shared laughs with his costars. His attitude was the same as usual. There was no response from him when they tried to contact him. The door was closed. When his manager and the apartment manager opened the door, he was found hanging in his closet. Beside him was a notebook where he had written his wish to die. 

update*27/9/2020 - On Sunday, September 27, Japan lost another of its most prominent actresses. Yuko Takeuchi, star of Ring, Strawberry Night and most recently, the Hulu series Miss Sherlock, was found dead this Sunday in her apartment in an apparent suicide. She was 40. 

Born in 1980 in Saitama Prefecture, Takeuchi debuted in 1996 with a TV drama role and has since starred in dozens of TV dramas and films, including NHK’s 1999 morning series “Asuka,” in which she played the leading role. Takeuchi has won multiple awards for her acting, including the Japanese Academy Award for best actress in a leading role for “Yomigaeri” (Resurrection, 2003), “Ima Ai ni Yukimasu” (Be with You, 2004) and “Haru no Yuki” (Snow of Spring, 2005). Recently, she also starred in The Confidence Man JP: The Movie and The Confidence Man JP: Episode of the Princess along co-star Haruma Miura who tragically took his own life in July this year.