This reminds me of the previous social experiment.

Truly, the empathy is the greatest motivation for love.

I had a tele-conversation with Sw.
After a month of anti-depressants, I'm glad that she's finally feeling 'something'.
"I'm going to try the gym near the workplace, the one that you used to go, before you moved." she added.

I am very happy for her.

This morning was bad,
"There is no place for people like you"
"What's the point of fighting? You know it's a lifetime battle."
Darkness was very strong.

During lunch, I joined in the conversation and got quite friendly.
The moment I stopped talking, I feared.
"What just happened?" I wondered.
You would never guess I am the same person who had to fight off the above dark thoughts just hours ago.
I wasn't faking it.
I am fighting it.
I was merely trying to 'survive'.
I need companionship / friends to live on.
And I can't be visually depressed if I want that.

Breathe...
I must find the balance..

My colleague told me a story about a very old man who used to be a parking ticket vendor back before the local city council started the prepaid parking ticket system.
Now that the system has changed, this old man has to find other means of income.
He tried collecting recyclables, but somehow it didn't work out for him.
And he would approach my colleague, as she used to see him every working day to pay him for her parking back in those days.
Hence, she'd know his difficulties.
"I know that he'd only approach me for money when he is truly desperate. Once, I voluntarily wanted to give him some money but he declined. He told me that he has a job. But that was many months ago. I can really feel his difficulty riding the rickshaw. He is so thin and old, I believe most tourist would be hesitant to approach him."

All I could do for him is to say a prayer.

I"m back home.
I wasn't looking forward to it at all that I had actually toyed with the idea of 'not' coming back for CNY.
"Let the tickets burn - both of from/return " , teased the mind.
But now that I'm here, it's not that horrific.

I received a text message from L.
She has been admitted to a daycare centre.
I am very sorry to hear that.

I fear for myself.
Really.
I'm my worst enemy.

My mind, my emotions.
They betray me.
Constantly.
Cunningly.

Yesterday, at lunch I got a bit overexcited discussing about boy-girl relationship / match-making/ first dates with my colleague Sm.
At dinner, I repeated the discussion to my housemate ShM.

ShM : You did what?! Have you even considered if your friends would mind?

I looked at her blankly.
She was shocked that I (I'm too embarrassed to even type here) did what I did.
She's right.
What was I thinking?
She saw how visibly affected I am.

ShM : I'm sorry if I had upset you. It was just my opinion.

Me : No. It's entirely on me. I'm upset only because you are right. And I'm angry at myself for being so careless. How could I have been so dim ?

Oh dear.
Gawd.

ShM : I guess it's your personality. You're very transparent, people can read you like an open book.

My little portable tv hasn't been able to receive 8tv - currently the best free national TV channel.
Last night, I was tuning with my housemate's portable, and to my surprise, hers was able to receive it.
She was pleased but I was ecstatic!
I was jumping around like an excited kid on Christmas !
Ah... joys in life.

On my first day back to work, my boss gathered everyone at the foyer to make an announcement.
"She's back and I don't want to hear any more rumours ok?"

My jaw dropped. OMG.
I was thinking, "There are rumours? What rumours?"

Everyone looked at me.
I smiled awkwardly, giggled nervously.
I punched my fist to the air.
"It's good to be back!"
Applause.
Dismissed.

A.W.K.W.A.R.D.
Super awkward.

60% of the staff avoided eye-contact with me, even when I'm right smack in front of them, smiling at them eagerly. Even when our eyes met, they looked away.
They even took the longer route to the toilet just to avoid walking in front of my desk.
I tried my hardest not to be bothered, but it's hard.

Today, the ice chipped a little.
One smiled at me.
Two used the shorter route to the toilet.
Two acknowledged me.

This is good news. I'm really relieved.
But can't help but feel a little sorry for myself that my joy can actually derive from these.

I went to Singapore last month. Courtesy of my company * that was just before my dramatic meltdown.

In this trip, I got to know a new friend from the similar work industry. 

When she found out that I wasn't doing too good, she texted me - just to say hi.

Then, another text, just to ask how I'm doing.

Then, another for lunch - which I appreciated but declined.

Then, another lunch - which again I declined because I'm still feeling the blue and didn't want her to see that. I gave her a more amicable excuse.

And today, another invitation to her office's potluck.

W.O.W.

This has got to break the record of my friendliest acquaintance ever !

But really.

She's got a kind heart.

Am touched.

"You are not all gone..."
"What would Teasips, she at her best, say to you now?"

I gave it some thought.
She is right.
Buried under all this mess...
I am still here.

"Just keep showing up, 
one day at a time, 
you'll be okay."

The eatery shop at the corner near my place has closed down.
Since then, the old homeless man who sleeps there every night isn't there any more.
I miss him.
I hope he has found another safe place to sleep.

A few weeks ago, I saw a very old lady crossing the road without even watching the traffic.
She just walked ahead looking only at her feet.
I rushed to accompany her.
She mumbled something but I can't understand her.
As she continued her journey on the other side of the road, I wondered, perhaps she wouldn't really mind if she was hit ?

Tonight, during my night stroll, I saw a very thin old man walking with great difficulty.
He was carrying a bag of old recyclables, while holding a stick and he was looking ahead wide eyed.
I suspect he has vision problems.
I said a silent prayer for him.

Actually, let's say a prayer for all of us.

Good friend's tattoo. Classiest I've seen.

I have been in a really bad shape.
REALLY....
bad.
Two weeks ago, I decided to give in and didn't show up for work.
Worst, I was the main coordinator of an important event.
And I sent a text that I'm resigning with immediate effect.
Yup, that dramatic.

For some reason, God, angels, good karma...
my boss decided to give me a second chance.
However, due to my sudden resignation, one month salary shall be deducted from my pay (previous+future).
I felt I have no negotiating grounds, hence I agreed immediately.
The fact that I still have a job counts most of all.
I'm grateful.

On a different note,
I highly recommend this movie Pride.