I found in this in Stephen King's THE BODY.

"The most important things are the hardest things to say. They are the things you get ashamed of , because words diminish them – words shrink things that seemed limitless when in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out.
But it’s more than that, isn’t’ it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away.
And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it.
That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear."

well said, well said

my nature

I am a worrier.
I am born to be.
It’s my nature.
It’s my curse.

I always seem to get anxious very easily and then inclining to worrisome state. And it usually takes a long time before I could regain proper mental composure.

That's why I've always been in awe with people who are very laidback.
They seem to be calm and collected in all imaginable circumstances.
Unperturbed by any challenges or obstacles.
And yet, everything always DOES come into order for them.
It's as if they had known in advance; so they knew there was never a need to put in serious thoughts in their lives.

They know how to be fun and have fun.

Why is it my nature to be on the other side ?

=5

1. I saw a strikingly similar home on tv which I had invented in my head 2 days ago.
2. Once again I dreamt that I was in a HUGE unfamiliar shopping mall.
3. Made pancakes and ate them all by myself.
4. Reading an American social study text book. Feeling furious that our education system lacks so far behind and still we have the audacity to proclaim - Malaysia Boleh.

My house

It has been a very long time since I have successfully concentrated on an activity that requires THINKING.
I mean, many people agree that watching tv - is a brain cell killer.

I am currently drawing a dream house.
I'm going down with details such as furniture and measurements.
How it should be proportionate and convenient.

and then it dawn to me that I have been on that piece of paper for hours.

My mind was really into to it.

I could really picture myself in it.
Other people in it, going about their everyday lives.

God, have I really gone bonkers?

"Forgotten memories of events might as well never have happened."

I was watching a movie last night.
It was so familiar.
I think I've watched it before.
But it's so new.
I must have gone to the cineplex to watch it.
But did I?

This is just an example.
A totally unimportant event.
But what about ..............the rest of my forgotten past?

'e'

My handwriting used to be huge, one letter close to another.
The spaces in my 'e' 'o' 'a' 'b' were all generously consistent.

That was at least 13 years ago.

Looking back at my old exercise books, my handwriting dramatically changed a year later.

That was when I knew,.............

2 tooth grin

I was lying on the sofa with the pillow on my face.
Suddenly little 18 months-old KuanLi lifted the pillow from my face and had this mischievous 2 tooth grin;
"Chak!"

Despite me feeling terrible.
I had to smile.
So cute.

* * *

Now I know why my brain has stopped functioning.
Everytime I reboot my brain to think 'normal', my eyes get teary.
My brain has to run through all the painful memories before I could place a software for it to run.
That's why my brain always 'hang'.
I can't function anymore.
I'm damaged.

A comic strip:

Q: Why do you read?
A: Because I like to appear to be well-informed.

Hahaha! That's so true.......

under spell

Tears were streaming down.
I was very still.
I didn't move.
I rested my entire weight on the sofa.
Only breathing and blinking.

Then, the news presenter on tv thanked me for my audience.
Although my eyes was fixed on the screen for the past 20 mins, I realised no information had entered my mind.
None.
Blank.

Suddenly I realised that I shouldn't drive if ever I'm susceptible to be in this miserable spell again.
I could have killed someone.

sympathy/terror

A story about an anorexic young lady was on tv.
When she was screaming, the words were disoriented.
But I can understand her meaning.
With shivers down my spine, there was a very close proximity.

When I tried to remove myself from that mental proximity.
I can see how horrifying she appear to be to her loved ones.
No doubt, she would be classified as "in urgent need of profesional help".

Like that murder suicide in Virginia Tech, USA, we can't deny that we see a little piece of us in the deranged anger. That's why we're sympathetic and terrified to see what the consequences are.

Limerick

Lonely Planet's travel log was on.
Ian Wright was in Ireland.
I saw the sign stating, 'LIMERICK'.

Immediately I thought, "Frank McCourt's home!"

shame on me

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

I have been ashamed of myself too many times.
My cruel and selfish sister asked me for help minutes ago.
She wasn't even polite.
She didn't even make it sound as if I'm doing her a favor.
She just made it as if I'm obliged to.
Like, "Do this or you're a bad person."
Without, polite words like, 'please, thank you'.

I just looked at the ground and quietly agreed.
Feeling guilty for not really wanting to help.
Feeling really angry with myself for being unable to refuse her.

Why can't I hurt other people the way they hurt me?
Why am I such a fool?

just walk

I wish I could return all those calls and sms-es.

I really want to be truthful to them and that I appreciate them.

But can words do me justice?

What can I say?

"There's nothing left to say, just walk away"

Just walk away-Celine Dion.

my lost

A friend shared with me about his lost of a sibling.
As we share that moment, I recall about my own lost.
Although my siblings are still alive, I have lost them.
You see, our family circumstances had ruined everything.

I'm sure you'd agree with me, that there are situations where we just can't be ourselves. In other words, we 'd kill our true self to be someone we are not.
The reasons vary,- survival, retaliation, or just simply the 'outcome' of our environment.

My brother and sis were not the siblings I remember them to be back when I was a kid.
I mean, even with blurred childhood memory, I know for certain that they were 'better' people.

Many many times I had wondered how we all had turned out if we were brought up by a different set of parents.

How our talents wouldn't have been wasted.

How we could be loved and learn to love.

How we'd be happier.

purple

Staring at the purple plastic bag, I wondered why, how and when was purple my favourite color.

Then, it occur to me.

It was my first ever doll.
I had never own any new toys before.
Even the old toys I had were just a few old ones.

A nice new lady neighbour bought that doll for me.
It wasn't one of those Barbie type.
It was those dolls made from fabric and had fillings in them.

My doll had purple hair.

BIC

Due to the abundant idling time I have, memories seem to creep up to me.

I was 16 when I won that Sheaffer pen for writing an article in Sunday Mail. Believe me, the article was really poorly written.

But it was happily written.

I was very happy at that moment penning down my thoughts.

Years later, I participated in another writing contest.
But I only received the BIC pens as consolation

But you know what?

both the Sheaffer and the BIC pens gave me equal amount of joy.


Oddly, I feel more resonant towards BIC.
I think it's the socioeconomic thing.

1

I can hear my silent screams.
It's too horrible that only I can hear.

I can smell my uncried tears.
There's too much that I'm flooded.

heart

Lately, I'm experiencing chest pains.
I could feel my heart PHYSICALLY aching.
What could be the odds?