my reflection

When I was growing up, many close relatives agree that I was cuter when I was little.
Like how my parents sum it, “the older she gets, the uglier”.
A few months ago, a friend saw this photo and I jokingly told her my parents’ slogan-comment.
She accidentally agreed with it until she noticed the disturbed look on my face.
I didn’t even realized I had put on one until she very politely rephrased her meaning.

I don’t like looking into mirrors because I don’t recognize myself.
When I do look, I see a very ugly person.

And the worst part is,

I made the reflection that way.

To myself

Can you forgive me?
The one who hurt and disappoint you wasn't me,
I've lost myself a LONG long time ago,
But would it be a consolation that I hurt myself the worst?
I tried TOO hard searching for an identity, to fit in.
Alas! only to find out that I had it all along.
But even that is gone now.

You know why I'm afraid to see people? They are all more superior than me.Even the vagrants possess something I don't.

dead skin

I was watching this travel show on tv and the lady introduced a place in south China where there are ponds filled with little fishes which feed only on dead human skin.
Therefore, understandably it's very attractive tourist spot for the ladies.
Just float on the pond calmly while the little ones eat away your dead skin. The lady host says it's very ticklish for her.


Wouldn't it be nice if there were little fishes which eat on dead spirit skin?
My spirit is too calloused.

Obituary

For years now, I've always looked at the obituary section of the newspaper. Even in news reports, the age of the deceased always interest me.
I ask, "why aren't lives exchangeable?''

hmmm, I still remember the first time I spoke to a couselor ,I confessed this thought to her and the next thing I knew,
straight into the psychiatry I went.

Photos Frm Newsppr

a sudanese refugee tries to hand over his child through a bus window after both were arrested.
He is willing to risk giving his child to total strangers because in his opinion; is better than taking the child back home with him.

Making calls

Back when I could be still labled 'normal', I always have the same disturbing dream.
I was rushing to go somewhere.
It was always urgent.
Most of the time, I need to make phone calls.
And always, I have trouble dialing the numbers.
The phone would never work properly.

The dream dictionary explains that I was desperately seeking help.
Funny, I haven't had that dream for a very long time.

Photos frm Newsppr

World Disablity Day.
They were not born this way. It was result of unfortunate illnesses and accidents. I admire their courage.

Photos frm Newsppr

This is the oldest one posted here. This Japanese man is jobless and homeless and yet dresses well awaiting for opportunity to change his circumstances. Shoes must be outside your home, even when home is a cardboard.

Photos frm Newsppr

I truly admire this man. If I have a show and tell about a local hero, he's my pick. No family, no income and yet he sees the urgent need to patch up pot holes on the road.

Our paid government saw otherwise.

Photos frm Newsppr

She is Brazillian model Ana Carolina Rexton, died of anorexia.
She's So...beautiful. Yet, she must have saw a horrifying different self of her.

Photos frm Newsppr

I honestly don't know why I kept this photo for so long. The date photographed is irrelevant because I was lazy to reset the camera. Many which I've kept, I had brutally thrown away. But this, for at least 3 years- had been in my possession. Maybe it's because I can't figure it out. I can't even understand how I feel about it.

Photos I saved frm Newspp

The fear, confusion and desperation which I can understand.

like to listen

My father once said that I have ‘high’ taste for music because I enjoy listening to opera, movie soundstracks and other similar classical genre. I watched a movie where this autistic man enjoys listening to a man singing out loud in the public bath.
It was horrible, but still operatic.
Autistic he may be, but he’d sit there faithfully till the song ends.

I guess my explanation to my liking is same as his. Don’t know why, just like to listen.

Wai’s movies

The first time I watched Wong Kar Wai’s movies, I was disappointed. Oddly, after severe depression, I began to understand his movies. Watching ‘In the mood for love’ for the second time, I began to capture the artistic side, which is actually the majority part of the movie.
Most of us want to ‘get straight to the point’. But how else to depict one’s loneliness and emotional turmoil when the audience wants to ‘hurry up’?

more shockingly, I can’t believe he has won my vote.

Fortune God

The cartoon version of the ‘Fortune God’ mascot came to visit the McD I was in.
He was giving out red packets. Children crowded him. Everyone was smiling, I including which surprised me.
The children opened to find a huge gold-coin shaped chocolate. One of the McD staff braved himself to shake hands with the ‘God’.
He was giggling. Both embarrassed and encouraged by his colleagues. Such joy.
The happiness surrounding me hurt. It hurt because I couldn’t genuinely feel it.
The fear and pain in me unfortunately surmounts it all.

too late

Do I want to escape or do I want to better my journey?
Doesn't the former have a higher success rate?

it's just too late.

it doesn't matter anymore.

worst days

One of the worst days of my life.

I came home feeling sick.
I sat down for dinner_ ill-prepared by mother.
It was the period of time when my crazy mother only gave me Rm35 a week as allowance.
I was interning at a newspaper.
I had to take ktm and lrt and eat.
I was so..... miserable.
The rest of the family ignored me.
I sat down to eat.
"See your sour face makes me lose my appetite." says the dowager.

I went upstairs to bath then very quickly fell asleep.
My eyes were wet.
I don't know if it's a dream or I had imagined it.
An angel came and sympathetically whispered to my ear, "It'll be alright."

--Lies

thank you

funny,
more memories seem to crop up,

thank you for answering my online message immediately via mobile, to me it's very uncommon,
thank you for burning the cds for me,
thank you for bringing me the leave-on conditioner, I know too many friends who wouldn't have bother, but you did, and we only just met
thank you for making that chocolate box for me-it's my best birthday present, it is the first birthday present I remember,
thank you for taking me to the movies, back when I wouldn't even take myself

I have a feeling more of these will pop up to my mind soon