“… I roughly took the people I interviewed and divided them into people who really have a sense of worthiness (that’s what this comes down to, a sense of worthiness, they have a strong sense of love and belonging), and folks who struggled for it (folks who are always wondering if they’re good enough).
There was only one variable that separated the people who have a strong sense of love and belonging and the people who really struggled for it … and that was that people who have a strong sense of love and belonging believe they’re worthy of love and belonging. That’s it. They believe they’re worthy.”
"They fully embrace their vulnerability. They believe what made them vulnerable, made them beautiful. Vulnerability was necessary."
“I have a vulnerability issue, and I know that vulnerability is kind of the core of shame and fear and our struggle for worthiness. But it appears that it’s also the birthplace of joy, creativity, of belonging, love …”
"They are willing to do things where there are no guarantees."
How do the “Whole Hearted” live?
With courage, compassion, and conviction. Most importantly, they have the ability to let go of who they thought they should be, to become who they already are.
Here’s what Brene found, what “worthy” people had in common:
Courage – “A strong sense of courage. … They had the courage to tell the story of who they are with their whole heart … These folks had very simply the courage to be imperfect.”
Compassion – “They had the compassion to be kind to themselves first, and then to others, because, as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people if we can’t treat ourselves kindly.”
Connection – “And, the last was they had connection. And this was the hard part — as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be, in order to be who they were, which is, you have to absolutely do that, for connection.”
"We can't selectively numb our feelings.
When we numb the negativity, we numb gratitude, happiness..."
“There’s another way, and I’ll leave you with this.
This is what I found … to let ourselves be seen, deeply seen, the vulnerable side, to love with our whole hearts even thought there’s no guarantee, and that’s really hard, and I can tell you as a parent that it’s excruciatingly hard, to practice gratitude and joy in those moments of a kind of terror when we’re wondering can I love you this much, can I believe in this as passionately, can I be this fierce about this, just to be able to stop, and, instead of catastrophizing what might happen, to say,
‘I’m just so grateful, because to feel this vulnerable means I’m alive, … and the last, which I think is probably the most important … is to believe that we’re enough.
Because when you work from a place, I believe, that says ‘I’m enough’, then ……we stop screaming and start listening, we kindler and gentler to the people around us, and we’re kinder and gentler to ourselves.
1 comment:
I get confused. One must allow themselves to be vulnerable to others and be seen, we should not numb ourselves from negative feelings like insecurity, shame and fear. We must wear them on our sleeves and not numb them. If not, we are unable to feel happiness and other positive emotions? Self worth comes from accepting our vulnerabilities and accepting them as what makes us beautiful. Is this about self connection or connecting with others? Feel that this part of what she said might be an overgeneralization. I think many crumble under vulnerability and the only way they can move forward is by selectively numbing negative thoughts, past events and insecurities. It's a coping mechanism. Maybe I personally need more analogies to truly understand her concept. I personally feel that feeling everything in it's full extent is, for the lack of a better word, unsafe. Yes, it takes courage, strength and willpower to be able to put yourself out there and be able to handle any repercussions of it, good or bad. Feel the benefits of it but also needing to accept possible negative feedback. Who really has all those traits? Does it mean we have to tackle every insecurity we have in order to be able to truly feel happiness? Is it even possible? I feel we do need to numb certain aspects of ourselves in order to focus on one thing at a time. Build ourselves one brick at a time. Maybe I personally fear that being vulnerable to others is risky. Maybe she meant selectively choosing who to be vulnerable to? I don't think feeling everything is safe. I guess it takes time. Perfectly loving imperfection is a life long journey for some. My emotions, insecurities, feelings of happiness and sadness are kept in tiny tiny drawers in this huge
cabinet. I selectively open them one at a time. I have a special drawer for happiness. I guess it's too rigid? I think I have the tendency to feel overwhelmed and selectively numbing emotions help me cope. Perhaps I'll open all the drawers up at one go someday to test the theory out. Confused. Wish there were more analogies. Probably will read up more about this. Thank you for posting this! Certainly made me think!
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