Last night , I endured hours of exhausted waiting just for that momentary splendour.

And yes, it was worth it.

Gosh,

fireworks are so so so beautiful.

I clasp my hands and was in great awe of the beauty.




ahhhhhhh.....

I'm now in office, working... but can still feel the celebration in my heart.

" I know you think about me too.

You talk about me again and again."



Shit...

I went out for dinner with my colleagues for the first time.


We went separate ways and I found myself dining alone with my female colleague.

Something slipped my mouth.
She asked.
I answered.

One thing lead to another.
I ended up telling her more than I should have.

Poured too much out.

I really didn't mean to.

I know that I shouldn't be carrying this emotional burden.
But I really don't know how to 'manage' it.

On my way home, I found these thoughts in my mind.

" You almost killed me. You almost killed all of us. But I've survived. Unexpectedly. I may not turn out to be great. But I will be fine. I will live. And I will do my little part in this world. I will be contributive. I will be a useful person. And you will forever be the insignificant evil part of life"

It's a quiet morning.

Yes, of course I've noticed.

Yes, of course I'm playing dumb.

Yes, of course I'm flattered.

Yes, of course I've thought about it.

And..

Yes, it DOES mean rejection.



What else can I do?

Today it finally happened.

I knew that I would 'have it'.

I just knew it.




Made a huge boo boo.
Even the mildest-tempered colleague yelled at me.


Then, as I tried to put everything back in retrospection.
I realised that it happened not because of Murphy's Law.

But simply because,

I had let it.

I prayed, you know.

"I'm not afraid of you. Oh Lord, be with me."


But in the end, I had to back down.
I walked away.

I wonder...


Would I be able to recognise what type of enemies are not mine to challenge in future?


How I wish that I'm able to identify them clearly.

6 a.m

I was taking my morning walk.

Suddenly, I noticed a black dog in front of me.

I stopped.
It stopped too.
Looked at me, unmoving.

It's dark, and there's no one else.
I didn't have a stick, nothing.
It could easily tore me into pieces.

I moved to the utmost side of the road.
It moved towards me, growling...

I walked backwards, but kept an eye contact with it.
Backward steps...

Luckily, it didn't follow me.
I was relieved when I reached a vicinity with bright lights and people.

I'm thanking my angel.

We sang all the Disney movie-cartoon theme songs that we could remember.

Beauty and the Beast.
Little Mermaid.
Aladdin.
Pocahontas.

Then it was Celine Dion, Fergie, Mariah Carey....

We really belted it out.

We were shameless.




We were in the office.

at 8pm.

Eddie and Eddrien have returned.

The emptiness is immediately felt.


*******************************************

I have been thinking of 'him' since Friday.

Oh God, what does this mean?

But my feet are still very much grounded.

I know . I know .

And yet, there's something troubling me.

I heard THE most flattering comment just now.

Even though I doubt it very much, it's really good for my EGO to linger on it.

Let it rub unto me for awhile.



Afterall, a little boost of confidence or (vanity, hehehe)

is the best make-up a woman can ask for.

"The nature will never change!"

"To change IS nature!"


a beautiful quote from RATATOUILLE

Eddie and Eddrien are here.

They make me so happy.

Having children in the house is like having toppings on your ice-cream.

It's just so different.

So, happily different.

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

***
I can't seem to run away from my fate with the MOON.

Have you ever felt BAD?
The 7 deadly sins package.

You know it's bad.
You don't like it.
But you can't help it.

and to a certain extend,

you relish it...


then, ask for forgiveness..... yikes..

I’m seated, wondering what I want.; what I’m doing.

I never like looking at myself in the mirror, fearing of my own perception, interpretation.

No one could possibly hate me more than myself.

For the first time since the tragedy,

my father expressed regret of what he did and didn't do back in 2003/2004 .

So far, he is the only family member who has admitted responsiblity.

It took him so long to realise, so long to admit it, so long to compensate it.

So long,

that now I wonder, if it mattered at all he said it.


..........................
Yes. It still does.

I told my dad that my colleague asked if I was lesbian.

"Aiyo, where can... Lesbians groom themselves well."

My sister nodded.

I"m feeling really really really guilty.

I'm always torn apart whenever I'm approached by beggars.

To give or not to give.

I read a very convincing article about us giving to beggars is more about maintaining our own image than about really GIVING.

The author made a very good point that if we are truly benevolent,
why aren't we doing the many OTHER things in life?

There are so many other proper and more effective ways of being charitable.

I thought I was convinced.


Today, at lunch, I was approached by this very pitiful looking old man.
Really pitiful looking.

I turned him away.
Honestly, if my colleagues weren't there, I would have given him something.
But it was due to my image.
I didn't want to let my image of 'gullible girl' to be reinforced.

Why oh Why do I still feel so bad?

In car with Rama, West and Wtress.

Rama was goofing around with West, as if making a point that she can drive with the most minimal attention.

Music was blasting techno songs, Wtree was lip-synching.

Everybody was in good mood, including myself.

I looked around.

I wondered.

What is their interpretation of SORROW and DESPAIR ?

In such midst of hedonism, can they still see the reality outside the car?

or perhaps the reality they need to face is never outside the boundaries of the car?

or, they have split-personalities?

It is scary how I can relate to this card given to me via electronically,

'You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition."

What is God's wisdom?
Which part of our messed-up world is from God?

My personal answer is,

" The sanctity of it is lost the moment men tries to define as to what constitutes as Godly and unGodly"


I feel superior power all around me.
So as long as I'm equipped with humility and responding alertly to my senses, the 'magic' is all around me.


The simplest gesture,
the plainest sight,
the most common words,
the most ordinary smell
or the most regular sound...


If we sense them deeper, with our hearts...


You'll be surprised...

I asked my colleagues, "If you could have a conversation with a person who is no longer in this world, who would you choose?"


1- Doraemon

2- Sailormoon


I giggled.
But I wondered if they understood just how funny their answers were.

I told this incident to my friends.
They jokingly warned me that I might be 'dumbed' down by them.

Their choice?

Buddha and Jesus.

Aren't I lucky to be surrounded by a huge spectrum of personalities?

I had never dared to listen to NYMAN's "The Heart Asks Pleasure First/ The Promise" from the film THE PIANO for a VERY VERY long time.

I had played this song over and again during my darkest solitary hours of my life.

Since crawling out of that darkness, I tried hard to put everything behind me.

Therefore, listening to it gives me the chills. Like being kissed by the Harry Potter's DEMENTORS.


But today,

after several months...

I'm now playing it ... putting it on REPEAT mode.


I'm alright.

I'm going to be ALRIGHT.

Watched Jack Neo's 'Just Follow Law'.

At the end, he asked, "Is it important that they retrieve back their own original souls? Afterall, how many of us actually possess the right souls in our own bodies?"

I made myself disappear for almost a year.
Yesterday, I rejoined my badminton poss`e.

I was asked, why wasn't I in the scene...

I'm not the type who can lie convincingly...
Just said, 'busy'.

But I really had a great time yesterday.

Now, I'm comfortably seated at my friend's room.
Very very very comfy...
Air-conditioned room, unlimited Internet access, abundance food and loads of great music. The hostess is really sweet.

Ah, the closest I'll ever be to heaven.

I wonder how life would be like for me had I grew up in a peaceful welcoming environment like this.

What kind of person would I turn out to be?


Definitely a more balanced one, a happier one...

It was after lunch.
I sat down, exhaled.

Then, I saw her approaching him.
Handing something out of a case.
Looks real neat.
She says something.
He nods.
She hands it over to him.
She turns around and walks away.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww........

I found myself smiling ear to ear to the computer monitor.
was just savoring the moment...

"If you mind so much what other people say about you, then change la.

But you don't want to change, then you will have to ignore what other people say.

You can't have both ways."




** My sister is very wise.

I have a close friend-colleague who took the risk of telling me one very disturbing flaw of mine.
She told me that I have this really annoyingly rude habit of ignoring her when we're already half way in a conversation.

I think I do realise this.
I know that I must overcome this horrible short-coming of mine or else, like what she said, "she'll pinch the sense out of me!"

Would you be interested to know how I developed this habit?

I grew up in the midst of very strong opinionated family members.
My parents especially, wouldn't tolerate having their children having a different opinion from them.
Therefore, I grew up keeping quiet no matter what rubbish is being said to me.
I developed the ultimate habit of shutting out the words thrown to me the moment my subconscious mind detects irrelevancy.

Automatically, my concentration shuts down and my mouth will keep a very tight lid; not even uttering the most basic audible response.

Yes, that was the kind of 'effective' communication my family has taught me.
This method has now so strongly hold root in me, that...

I have to reprogram my entire communication skill altogether.
I mean, just how many times can I explain this story to?
Would you excuse me?

today is too extraordinary.

For the first time in my life,
I truly feel that I'm surrounded by a group of talents.

They have the 'extra' eye for the finer things in life.
The finer things that I've never even looked at, let alone analyse them.


W-O-W

*I took this photo for 2 reasons.
a- I was viewing this performance from the water reflection. It gave me a very aesthetic feeling.

b- I never want to forget that my job is better than this performers. I really felt empathy when I was watching them. It must be hard to perform like this every week in front of a bunch of unappreciative foreigners for such low wages.


"Hun, you're not like us...

You're ... you're... you're...

so pure..."



?????????????????

I was told several times that I behave much younger than my actual age.

Last night, I had to take this comment on a heavier note.

A good colleague said, "You're 26, not 21. Why you ..."





It stings till now.... and I don't imagine the wound will heal anytime soon.

One senior colleague is quite eccentric.
His behaviour towards me is quite cold and I had assumed all along that I must have long gone to his bad books.

Today, as I was joking with my closer colleagues, he said something which I couldn't understand.

It was ambiguous and I immediately took it the negative way.

I was very sad after that because I thought that incident have confirmed my suspicions of how much he dislikes me.

Suddenly, he looked over my shoulder and asked what I was reading.

"Aiya, don't read that rubbish. Read this."
He passed a very renowned Advertising book to me.

I was so touched, I was ....

all I could think of was...

He doesn't hate me!!!

The longer we continue to make the wrong decisions, the more our heart hardens; the more often we make the right decisions, the more our heart softens -- or better perhaps, becomes alive."
-- Eric Fromm: The Heart of Man





**When do I know if I've made the right decision?

When I look behind, I have so many regrets and yet I know I couldn't have had it other way.

*the world's largest roller-skate restaurant. Hardly impressed. I thought 'WE' get to skate and not just the waiters*


Boss was very very dissatisfied with the copy I wrote.
He raised his voice, which rarely happens.
I quickly replied, "ok ok I change" several times.

As I was hurrying the changes at 7pm , Boss came to my table with two sentences written on a piece of paper.
"Hun, this is a rough idea what I want. You don't have to be so 'formal'. Just write like you're talking to a friend."

I was nodding my head vigorously. "ok ok ok. I'll try"

Boss said, " I know you can do it."

EEeee... Boss is so nice! He was under tremendous stress, juggling with tons of accounts and yet he took the trouble to come talk to me!!
I felt and still feel so bad, wondering if I had reacted such a way that my own Boss felt obliged to approach me ah???


Hun...... Jia you.. !!

* a view of Chao Phraya river from the first restaurant we ate upon arrival in Bangkok*



I helped my female colleague confess her feelings to an attached (but obviously still very much available) male colleague.

It was so weird.
Both was on MSN messenger and I had to copy and paste one another's messages unto the other. (Yes, they were aware of it).

But after this, my burden is released.
She can now talk to him DIRECTLY.

I admire her guts.
To so openly express how she feels towards a man whom she'll bump into everyday at work.

WOW...

Naïveté, a French loanword indicating the state of lacking experience, understanding or sophistication.



After having read several of my blog entries, tell me honestly.

Would you categorise me under the word, - Naïveté?






I still can't believe I'm that.... gullible.

Oh God, please... give me more sense..

Today, after a very very long break (more than a year), I held my racket again.
I played with church friends in her Kelana Jaya condo.
I was very hesistant at first, but I just couldn't reject her anymore.

Wah lau, all the badminton feel good spirit came back.
The joy of getting points, laughing at the friends,, making jokes..
Ah... the joy of badminton.
Even the bath after all that sticky sweat felt extra good

5 for rm20

5 for rm12

1 for 1/3 of original price.

Total = Indefinite Satisfaction

What's meant to be, is meant to be.

Upon finishing this book, Messages from Michael; I felt very much obliged to share it with a friend.

Usually, I'd like to keep good books, but I felt a strong urge to share this good book with him.
I posted him the book.

Today, at the warehouse sale, I saw it again.
I bought it again for only one fifth of the price I paid the first time.

My colleague asked me why on earth would I want this photo.
Can you guess?

These happy faces do reflect my state of ecstasy in the airport.
But what I was doing?
I was writing.
Can you find me?

I really took the effort to dress up this morning.

I looked at myself in the mirror.
So different.

A part of me criticizes myself for being so vain.
Another, compliments me for daring to opt for a different look.

Inside me, I know I feel good.
This feeling reminds me of stories about women who began feeling better about themselves;
just because they put on make-up.

Old women in foster home who were suffering from depression, reacted well when the therapist encourages them to put on make up.
It was like miracle.
The women were suddenly smiling at their reflections.

Another story.
I read in Kabul, the women still defiantly put on make-up despite being forced to wear a burqa all the time.
The reason is actually for themselves, and nothing more.
They wanted to retain a little identity of themselves as a method of keeping their spirits alive.

Ah, who would have guessed that make-up can be so powerful?

**6 a.m. waiting for the first train to arrive**

Thanks Mel,
Thank you so so so much.
For the past few days, I had inner conflicts.

Really unsure of my own stance.
The fact that I didn’t have any backbone didn’t help.
That’s why I’m really glad to have gone out with Mel last night.
She reaffirmed with me that my thoughts over a few issues were right.
And that I need not feel guilty about it.

Isn’t it a blessing to have an angel in human disguise as a friend?
Someone who is so well-disguised?
*Hehehe

First day back in office.
Everyone seems to be able to adjust themselves quickly back to their professional life.

Now, Mejar looks at me in a peculiar manner.
I hope it's of remorse and nothing else.

There are many things that happened back there which I doubt I could verbalise it justificably to a friend in real life.

I'm glad I have an online friend to fulfill my much needed 'therapeutic' emotional venting in me.

There's a new staff in the studio. I'm no longer the newest staff!!
It does feel good.
At least, I could trick ONE staff there into thinking I actually "belong" there. hahaha