It's really bad.
Bad-ass B-A-D.
The palpitations, the worthlessness, the despair, the anxiety.
I had this back when I was still studying, 2004, where it got so bad that I was admitted to ward.

I missed work yesterday.
In the afternoon, I went for a swim.
A desperate attempt to regain my desire for life.
In the pool, I saw three young lads.
They were learning to swim.
They asked me for some swimming tips.
I told them the little of what I know.
I was very amused by their fourteen-year-old enthusiastic zest for life.
And then I offered them my extra pair of goggles.
"Thank you , Aunty."
Little did they know that I'm thanking them even more.

This morning, the episode was at its peak.
I was thinking of suicidal options.
"I can't go through this again. This is not worth it. If I can end it once and for all..."
An hour later, somehow, I managed to get up and got a Uber ride.
I noticed the driver has a lot of masculine veins.
Oddly, even my depressed soul managed an internal chuckle recalling my conversation with Mn just the night before, about what makes a man attractive.

Things were not that hopeful at the clinic.
I burst out in tears trying to explain to the doctor how I felt.
He asked if I want to be admitted.
No.
My dosage was increased.
I noticed this young doctor was very jovial.
He beat-box-ed when he walked and said funny made-up words like chawabangka?
I think he's building a very strong positive defense.

I am now in the office.
What now?

Went swimming.
There were a lot of kids and tweens (between kids n teenagers) in the pool.
I was very amused to see how comfortable they were goofing around in the waters.
Most of them can't swim well but they know how to move around the water well enough to have a good time.
There was no fear at all.
So unlike me.

I remember watching a video on how the little babies learn to swim or at least stay afloat should they wander off to the pool.
The teacher told the parents never to display anxiety when their babies are in the water.
The babies will know if the parents sense danger, hence the babies too will think there is danger and panic.

This goes to show that great things can happen in the absence of fear.

My new boss and NXY asked how I'm doing.

They are really kind.

Despite having piles of work up to their nose, they actually noticed something was a bit off with me.

My low self-esteem and depression made me feel unworthy of their concern and attention.

Ah, I'll be ok.

On a separate occasion, a staff commented to me, 

"You are really really lucky, you know"

I related my stories to my good old friend Mn.
Her reply was so amusing that I decided to copy paste here for keeps.

"Never ever doubt if you are worth it or not.
People believed that you are worth it so embrace it.
FUCK those who said you are so lucky... "

Her messages reminded me of this one.

"Your friend went out of her way to make sure you got up and left the house. Surely it must meant you're worth the effort. 
And she wasn't the only one.
Surely you must be worthy.
Don't doubt.
Accept the love"

I'm on my third day of work at my previous place.
Yup, I went back.
Who would have thought that the management could change so drastically in 3 months?

I have been taking more meds than usual these few days.
I've been waking up unusually early eg,3am and I get pestered by all the 'thinking errors' identified in the self-help workbooks.
I get so anxious that debilitating suicidal thoughts are at bay.
The mornings.
The mornings are the worst.
My demons work the hardest during this shift of theirs.

I went for a massage last night.
I was feeling very relaxed and I had a some kind of moment of lucidity.
I had a picture of myself , covered with wounds.
Yes, I was hurt by others, but the scarier wounds were self-inflicted.
The picture tells me how cruel I am to myself.
I saw the picture and felt so sorry for that person, me.

My housemate S shared with me and another housemate G about her sister.
The sister seems to be suffering from a mental breakdown.
But the family thinks she's being disturbed by unrest spirits.

The family sought psychiatric and temple medium for help.
Housemate S 's story focused more on the medium, hence I think she felt the medium was more helpful, despite having both sides of the treatment simultaneously.

As I was listening, I thought the medium was very clever to narrate the entire story about the sister's situation based on the turn of events. Like all opportunists, he saw desperation and thought, why not? He didn't cause any harm anyway.

I do not deny the existence of the evil, unseen or unrest ones.
But this is not it.
I have heard similar stories like this before.

I just feel sad at the social stigma upon mental illness.
Possession by evil spirits still tops mental illness.

Imagine, in the current Asian society; it is actually easier to tell people you were possessed than to be suffering from mental breakdown.
This is really sad.

Saw this quote on a little newsletter when I treated myself at upper class eatery, where the meal cost me 3.5 times of my usual lunch budget.

Dasrad (the bicycle) cafe - Nice place. The owner, a German who has lived in Malaysia for 20years, took my order in Malaysian accent.