Ok, got my bonus. Am relieved as rumours were really UN-optimistic for the past few days. Boss asked me how I feel about it. "Ah... it's ok," I answered nonchalantly. I walked straight to the restroom. Then, I realised something.

I was much happier on my first year. I feel so bad. I'm going to learn to be more grateful.

I learnt at the support group that we must 'capture' and 'store' good memories.
I want to capture and store this lovely comment here as I doubt I'd open to reread the comments sidebar.

"" I think you sell yourself short. Your efforts are amazing! As what I can see from your blog, you have made great strides. Just be who you are, try work towards who you want to be and if love and a partner comes your way.. It would be crazy (and by this, I mean CRAZY) to pass it up. Hope is great. Can't live without hope. I feel however, it's expectations we can sort of live without. Keep up the amazing work teasips! ""

There’s a colleague whom I’ve known for more than two years.
We've only talk about work and remain quite awkward with anything else.
I've always hoped we can be friendlier.
Last week, he gave me an unexpected souvenir from his last outing and I was very surprised.
I looked at it and was actually speechless.
I'm just socially inept that way.
My mind was, “what IS this? Why is he giving me this?”
Before I could blurt out my gratitude, we were interrupted.
Oddly, I couldn't bring myself to go to him and say, “Hey, thanks for that…err thing you got me.”
Hopelessly social retard = Me.

Today, very Unlike his usual quite demeanour  he actually prompted, “Hey, new dress?”
My eyes remained on the computer screen and just look at my skirt and emotionalessly blurted, “It’s actually a skirt.”
‘’Oh…” he said and walked away.
Then I realized, --- “Duh!”- ala Homer Simpson
Sigh..
Way to go… *slap forehead, shaking head…

I always get very nervous whenever I meet people who knew me back when I was terribly unwell; back when I was unstable and … well, to put it simply, when I was severely NOT MYSELF.
   Last Saturday, an old acquaintance from college FB messaged me. We live very near each other and had car-pooled on many occasions back when we were classmates.
          Many months ago it was me who initiated the invitation but she turned me down. My self-defeating mind immediately drew the conclusion that she’d rather stay away given my previous episodes. Naturally, I never contacted her since.

So I was rather surprised when she asked me if we could meet up for a drink, humorously using my same opening line on my last text, “Hey, I’m not doing insurance, MLM, neither promoting products nor religion. Just wondering if you’d be up for a drink?”
           I picked her up and had a drink nearby. It has been 6 years and I noticed that she’s very well groomed – unlike me, her hair looked fresh out of the hairstylist’s, eyebrows well-trimmed, not a pimple at sight, and her face was so easy on the eyes that I’m not even sure if there was some make up on, or if it was simply result of good diet. Her appearance was quite impressive given the face that the appointment was so impromptu, arranged just 20 minutes earlier.

We talked. How delightful that she’s just recently picked up running too, and we were actually at a same running event together!

• Work • Gym • Gay guys • Unavailable eligible guys • Single ladies • Desperate single ladies • Us being desperate single ladies. 

So, it was fun. However, I did find it slightly odd that she could talk about these issues as if they apply equally upon us. So many times in my head, “Has she forgotten that I’ve got mental illness and there’s really a slim chance of me finding someone?”
     This isn’t the self-esteem talking but rather practicality. I could barely handle my own life, how could I even dare include another person?

A very good friend of mine drew the picture very bluntly albeit completely benign-motivated. She told me that she immediately thought of me when she read the front-page news, “Mentally unstable woman threw toddler girl off their flat before jumping .”
          My well-intentioned friend was rather perplexed with the news that the husband was willing to marry her, despite her illness. Her whole point was -she felt sorry for me that it’d be almost impossible for me to have my own family.
          Back to present time. My first response when people who know my situation ask me for my thoughts on my future partner -
-- Dare I even hope?

“Flawless beauty can be found in the concepts of nature. Therefore, it can be found in all of us.”
- Zdravko Stefanovic

It begins in the mind, continues in the heart.

I'm very taken with this blog www.consciousness-evolution.org

Meditation is not passive sitting in silence. It is sitting in awareness, free from distraction, and realizing the clear understanding that arises from concentration. ---Thich Nhat Hanh

Taken from Reader's Digest Magazine -December 2012. Top Photographers Choose the Pictures that Make Them Happy. -- the one image that most says "happiness" through their lens

17. Contentment
Photographer Matt Black: "Seven-year-old Armando Santo Galinda lives in the San Miguel Cuevas section of Oaxaca, Mexico, a community so poor that some 80 percent of its population, including Armando’s three brothers and his father, have migrated to the United States in search of work. With his mother, the boy tends a flock of turkeys and helps grow a patch of corn. They have virtually no money. This photo of Armando walking home from watering the turkeys down a dirt road on the edge of a virtual ghost town makes me question how we measure wealth. So many of us, living in a sterile, manmade environment, suffer poverty of spirit. But Armando seems to float during a carefree moment of joy."

16. Nostalgia
 Photographer Jackie Alpers: “When I saw cotton candy displayed in a homemade tin foil stand at my local county fair, I was instantly happy. So pink! So fluffy! I thought of it as a circus on a stick—in fact, it reminded me of going to ‘The Greatest Show on Earth,’ with my father as a child in the 1970s in Columbus, Ohio. I’ll never forget first seeing the paper cone gathering the cotton candy as it spun in a big vat as we stood in line. I’ve been documenting fair food for a few years now—it’s bigger and much more fun than the food I eat everyday. It evokes a sense of awe and adventure."

15. Spirit
 Photographer Ed Kashi: “Frankie Manning was one of the creators of the Lindy Hop style of ballroom dancing, and well into his 90s he traveled the world teaching its steps. This image, taken at his 86th birthday party in Baltimore, captures his effortless joy and beaming spirit. He’s cutting the rug with one of the eighty-six women he danced with that night—[almost] one for every year of his life."

14. Bliss
 Photographer Sandra Phipps: “Lucy, our first child, was born last June to two parents unprepared for many things, including the heat wave that overtook Brooklyn, where we live. With only a window fan in our apartment, we decided to temporarily relocate with the baby to my sister’s house in North Georgia. There, in the cool mountain air, we finally settled into a summer of getting to know this new person. All the stress of the last few weeks disappeared the moment Lucy fell asleep on my husband’s chest one afternoon as he lounged on a blanket by the lake. I felt complete happiness in this moment—we were a real family for the first time, resting and enjoying the sweet gravity that brought us all together."

13. Mirth
 Photographer Venetia Deardon: “I shot this photo of a group of sequestered nuns famed for their beautiful singing voices at a monastery in Avignon, France in May 2010. In fact, the sisters recently signed a recording contract with the company who represents Lady Gaga! I was on an assignment for the Sunday Times of London, visiting monasteries all over UK and Ireland. I was always in awe of nuns’ sense of peace and inner contentment, and especially intrigued by the way these women are so happy and free within the confines of their monastery."

12. Fun
 Photographer Kreg Holt: “I shot this photo in my Brooklyn neighborhood one wet October morning in 2011. My wife Kate and I were trying to convince our son Noah to wear his new rain boots and carry his umbrella. We were running late for an appointment and when we got outside he wanted to jump into every puddle. If it wasn’t for this photo, all I would remember from that morning was the struggle. Instead I see Noah’s excitement and indulgence."

11. Hijinks
 Photographer Joachim Ladefoged: “Since 1957, men and women have been gathering each July in Klampenborg, Denmark for the World Santa Claus Congress, an opportunity for professional St. Nicks to spread Christmas cheer and network with their peers. One of the highlights of the convention is the annual saltwater footbath. I shot this photo at Bellevue beach north of Copenhagen as the Santas and their elves were coming out of the water."

10. Play
Photographer Lynsey Addario: “I shot this photo in 2010 at a Kabul, Afghanistan shelter for children whose parents are in prison. The little girl with short hair in the center of the photo is Gulaboo. Both of her parents and one of her siblings are in jail. Despite their circumstances, these girls still play and have fun like any other kids."

9. Exhilaration
Photographer Ken Shung: “I shot this photograph in June 1987 in Taishan, a city in the southern Chinese province of Guangdong. I was there visiting the village where my father grew up. The boy in front was part of a group of children following me around that day while I took pictures. This moment of the boy laughing as it started to rain reminded me of lyrics from the song, 'Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head.' Because I’m free, nothing’s worrying me… Simple joys bring happiness to kids who have only a few friends and not much of material value."

8. Color
Photographer Jeff Rennicke: “As a volunteer at the Northwoods Children’s Museum in Eagle River, Wisconsin, last year, I witnessed creativity in action: a dozen eight- to ten-year-olds dipping their hands in jars of finger paints and swirling yellow and green and red to make sunflowers and fire trucks on drawing paper. After the kids left, all that remained was a row of their paint-splattered smocks. Hung together in a haphazard way, the smocks created a tapestry that reminded me that art should be joyous and raucous. Kids know that already.”

7. Joy
 Photographer Vern Evans: “I caught this moment as a group of Tibetan Buddhist nuns took a break from class outside their school in Dharamsala, India, in 2008. [The Chinese government] prevents Tibetan nuns from learning and practicing Buddhism in their home country. I’m a big guy who wears a cowboy hat, so I think my appearance got them smiling. All the nuns’ eyes sparkle with such joy—you can almost hear them giggling. We all know the stories of the Tibetan people’s suffering, so to see the nuns in a moment of spontaneous laughter makes me feel that everything will be OK.”

6. Movement
 Photographer Steve Vaccariello: “I love photographing dancers because we can collaborate as artists to come up with an amazing image comprising athleticism, form, light, composition, expression, and emotion. One fall day in 2010, I asked this ballerina, a performer with the American Ballet Theatre, to show me something powerful and joyous from a recent show. Because the movement was so taxing on her body, I had only three chances to get the shot. When I saw this image, I thought, This is the perfect moment!”

5. Exuberance
Photographer Josh Rothstein: “This is my friend Cara jumping down the stairs in an old apartment building in Brooklyn. The dreamy quality of the photo transforms the gritty surroundings into a beautiful, serene place. I also took a leap soon after I shot this photo. Cara set me up on a blind date with a woman who eventually became my wife.”

4. Victory
Photographer Tom Hussey: “In 2008 and 2009, I traveled all over North Texas documenting my sons playing football for the Lakehill Preparatory School Warriors, a football team from Dallas that competed with only six players on the field at one time—instead of the traditional 11—and played other small schools that did the same. The games were frenetic and high scoring, and in a lot of ways, these boys were the ultimate athletes. Many of them played both offense and defense, and they loved it. I captured this moment of the opposing team after a game in 2009.”

3. Delight
Photographer Seamus Murphy: “I shot this photo of a coal miner in front of his daily haul of coal in 2004 in the Takhar province of Afghanistan. I’ve been documenting people’s lives for decades, but this man, a member of a small community of Afghan Arabs, had the most carefree laugh I have ever seen.”

2. Enchantment
Photographer Andrew Brusso: “I’m from Weeki Wachee, Florida, home of the Weeki Wachee Springs State Park mermaids, a roadside attraction that started in 1947. When I heard that the park was in danger of closing a few years ago, I volunteered to take promotional photographs. A mermaid asked me to photograph her with her 18-month-old twin daughters, who had been learning to swim at the spring since infancy. I consider the underwater images, which display the importance of tradition and reveal a connection to nature and the wonder of fantasy, some of the most meaningful of my career.”

1. Elation
Photographer Marcus Bleasdale: “In 2007, Human Rights Watch asked me to photograph the street children in Kinshasa, a war-ravaged city in the Democratic Republic of the Congo. I took this photo inside a local resource center that provides the children a few meals and running water. The boy in front is one of the thousands of kids who sleep on the streets and scavenge at a local market for food and charcoal to sell. Despite his desperate situation, he still relishes taking a shower, a luxury that most of us take for granted

Aaron Hillel Swartz (November 8, 1986 – January 11, 2013) , who was considered one of the brightest young minds in tech activism, hanged himself on Friday night in his Brooklyn apartment. He had been struggling with depression for many years.
There was no apparent suicide note, officials said.
Swartz’s death cast a pall over the tech world and prompted soul-searching questions among policy experts and university officials — not to mention his grieving family and friends.

Swartz’s passing triggered an outpouring of grief from those who knew him well, and the broader technology and Internet community.
Prior to his death, Swartz faced up to 35 years in prison and a fine of up to $1 million for the alleged JSTOR downloads. He had pleaded not guilty. His trial was set to begin next month. Several prominent observers, including Lessig, called the potential penalty disproportionate to the alleged crime.

Two days later, on 11 January, Swartz hanged himself with his belt in the Brooklyn apartment he shared with his girlfriend. There was no suicide note. Stinebrickner-Kauffman was the one who found him when she got back from work. He was wearing the same clothes she had seen him in when she left for the office that morning: a V-neck black T-shirt and brown corduroy trousers. He had his coat on. When she called the emergency services, she was screaming so hard that at first they couldn't hear the address.

She says now that it would be too easy to explain away Swartz's suicide by saying he was depressed.

"I've read a lot about depression and it just doesn't sound like Aaron." When she speaks, she chooses her words cautiously. Her face is pale and tense, her eyes tired. Her every gesture seems to carry within it a sadness that is all the more unbearable for being contained.

"He didn't have an absence of joy. He didn't have an absence of human emotion… I think he was in a lot of pain. A lot of it was to do with the case. I don't think he would have killed himself if it weren't for the case, put it that way.

"The thing that I regret is that I didn't know I should be looking for anything… In retrospect, there are clues I could have picked up on and I just didn't know to.

"I think he made a really dumb decision. But I also think I understand how it happened. The biggest problem with the decision is that it's permanent. Other dumb decisions, you can usually recover from. People make mistakes." She breaks off and starts to cry, lowering her head as her shoulders shake. "It hurt me," she says finally, her voice quiet, "but I don't think it was his intention to do so."

Is winning all that counts? Are you absolutely sure about that?
On December 2, Basque athlete Iván Fernández Anaya was competing in a cross-country race in Burlada, Navarre. He was running second, some distance behind race leader Abel Mutai - bronze medalist in the 3,000-meter steeplechase at the London Olympics. 
As they entered the finishing straight, he saw the Kenyan runner - the certain winner of the race - mistakenly pull up about 10 meters before the finish, thinking he had already crossed the line. 
 Fernández Anaya quickly caught up with him, but instead of exploiting Mutai's mistake to speed past and claim an unlikely victory, he stayed behind and, using gestures, guided the Kenyan to the line and let him cross first.
 Ivan Fernandez Anaya, a Basque runner of 24 years who is considered an athlete with a big future (champion of Spain of 5,000 meters in promise category two years ago) 
 "But even if they had told me that winning would have earned me a place in the Spanish team for the European championships, I wouldn't have done it either. I also think that I have earned more of a name having done what I did than if I had won. And that is very important, because today, with the way things are in all circles, in soccer, in society, in politics, where it seems anything goes, a gesture of honesty goes down well." 

Unfortunately, very little has been said of the gesture. And it's a shame. In my opinion, it would be nice to explain to children, so they do not think that sport is only what they see on TV: violent kicks in abundance, posh statements, fingers in the eyes of the enemy ... Taken from crossfitmeridian.net

Lynton Clarke is 74, and five days a week he gets on his bike at 5am to ride 2km to Stows Newsagency, in Bairnsdale. 
There he loads up the morning papers and starts his round. It takes him a little under two hours to deliver his 60 papers, then it's home for breakfast with his wife, Jan.
 Mr Clarke delivered his first newspaper about 62 years ago in Croydon. 
"We used to carry the papers in a sugar bag and pour hot water into the handlebars to keep our fingers warm," he said.
 "I retired from my round when I was about 14 but about nine years ago I realised I was walking every morning for fitness, so I decided to deliver papers and get paid to keep fit.
 "The newspaper round and a diet has helped me lose 13kg in that time." Mr Clarke's boss, Trevor Stow, says his paperboy is one of the best. 
"Lyn does his deliveries come rain, hail or shine," he said. "He's excellent and his service is appreciated by his customers. 
"He not only delivers the papers, but he places them in convenient positions for his customers to find. 
 "In wet weather he rides his bike up to the door of most houses and places the paper on the veranda to save his customers getting wet."
 Despite his years, Mr Clarke said he has no plans to retire. "Why would I? It's fun." Taken from HeraldSun

The life of a six year old, anywhere in the world should be filled with bubbles and love and comfort and caring.
For poor Ah Long, an HIV carrier from Guangxi Province, China, life is difficult and extremely lonely.

Both his parents died of AIDS and the poor child is too much on his own, doing his own washing, cooking and studying.
His 84-year-old grandmother has planted vegetables for him and visits frequently. She cooks for him, for him, but will not live with the child.
Everyone else in his world, including the nearby primary school has rejected him.
His only friend and companion is a dog named Lao Hei.
The Welfare department has also declined to take responsibility for the little boy and the monthly allowance of 70 yuan (about $US 10) he gets form the civil bureau is nowhere near enough.
The stigma surrounding HIV/AIDS in China is powerful and it is totally responsible for this poor child’s neglect.
Since the 1980s, the disease has spread from the gay population and drug users to the general population, but there is still a total lack of education, understanding and a pervasive denial that fuels the fires of hatred and discrimination.
There is hope for Ah Long as after his story as published in Chinese newspapers one couple announced publicly that they would adopt the boy.
To date, however, this is yet to happen. Many Chinese believe that AIDS only infects immoral people. How could a six-year-old boy be immoral?

Taken from www.weirdasianews.com .... and there I thought I was stigmatised.... *filled with embarrassment*

The Hobbit

Galadriel : “Mithrandir, why the halfling?”

Gandalf responds: “Saruman believes it is only great power that can hold evil in check, but that is not what I have found.
 I found it is the small everyday deeds of ordinary folk that keep the darkness at bay… small acts of kindness and love.
Why Bilbo Baggins? That’s because I am afraid and it gives me courage.”

FB Story

Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario Consider this scenario: 
In a remote forest, a pregnant deer is about to give birth to a baby. It finds a remote grass field near by a river and slowly goes there thinking it would be safe. As she moves slowly, she gets labor pain…. at the same moment, dark clouds gather around that area and lightning starts a forest fire. Turning left she sees a hunter who is aiming an arrow from a distance. As she tries to move towards right, she spots a hungry lion approaching towards her.
 Stochastic Probability Theory - Pregnant Deer Scenario What can the pregnant deer do ….as she is already under labor pain ? … … … 
What do you think will happen ? Will the deer survive ? 
 Will it give birth to a fawn ? Will the fawn survive ? or Will everything be burnt by the forest fire ? … … … … That particular moment ? … … … Can the deer go left ? – Hunter’s arrow is pointing 
 Can she go right ? – Hungry male lion approaching Can she move up ? – Forest fire 
 Can she move down ? – Fierce river

 Answer: She does nothing. She just focuses on giving birth to a new LIFE. The sequence of events that happens at that fraction of a second (moment) are as follows:
 In a spur of MOMENT …a lightning strikes (already it is cloudy ) and blinds the eyes of the Hunter. At that MOMENT, he releases the arrow missing and zipping past the deer. 
At that MOMENT the arrow hits and injures the lion badly. 
At that MOMENT, it starts to rain heavily and puts out the forest fire. At that next MOMENT, the deer gives birth to a healthy fawn. 
In our life, it’s our MOMENT of CHOICE and we all have to deal with such negative thoughts from all sides always. Some thoughts are so powerful they overpower us and makes us clueless. 
Let us not decide anything in a hurry. Let’s think of ourselves as the pregnant deer with the ultimate happy ending. Anything can happen in a MOMENT in this life. If you are religious, superstitious, atheist, agnostic… or whatever… you can attribute this MOMENT as divine intervention, faith, sudden luck, chance (serendipity), coincidence… or a simple ‘don’t know’.

We all feel the same. But, whatever one may call it, I would see the priority of the deer in that given moment was to giving birth to a baby…. because LIFE IS PRECIOUS. Hence, whether you are deer or a human, keep that faith and hope within you always...

I incidentally switched on the radio and heard a very famous geomancy professional (fortune teller) on interview. The Deejays were asking about his personal life and if he now understood the deeper meaning of his hardships in his past.
"No, no. Like what I always say. Never question the karmic reason of the difficulties in your life. That is the ultimatum to depression. I believe the main reason of my current success was never due to my EQ nor IQ, but my 'YikLik' (cantonese) -the defying spirit, unwilling to be accept passive outlook, ability to overcome setbacks in life, which I believe it now has a term for it, MQ "