16 March 2011

I had dinner with my old college friends last night. I had been very nervous about it the whole week. The last time I met up with them, I broke down in tears the moment I stepped into my car to head home.
It has been 7 years since I was first admitted to the hospital. And in these 7 years, my life was in terrible mess. Depressed, Manic, Depressed, Manic, Depressed.. and now finally a little stability in my life. Even for an unhealthy lifestyle, 7 years did wheeze by very quickly. Time waits for no man, even so for a depressed (wo)man.

In my last meet-up with my friend, I made a very inappropriate interruption when my friend W was talking. The other friend M who was listening intently snapped at me, "It's not always about you!" I quickly apologised.
But when I got home I cried buckets because I felt my social skills have gone haywire. Also, she made a very good point. For the past 7 years, my life has only been about ME and my mental illness. There was nothing else in my life. The other peers were building careers, expanding their colourful social network, in short, experiencing their youthful 20s. I , on the other hand, was merely preoccupied with my sad sad troubled mind.

As I'm writing this, I sit staring aimlessly into the air, as my memories of my past just creep by. Regardless of the chronology.

A friend called up to express her regrets of not contacting me sooner. I was very surprised that she'd feel that way. Earlier, I had messaged her ,'Thanks for your extraordinary kindness and patience during my worst of times" and was and still am confused why such message could bring about guilt? I assured her, that she has been a terrific friend. To further illustrate my point, I added, "Honestly if I were in your shoes, I would have stayed away". And I meant it.

Back when we were in college, things were simple and easy. You work hard in your studies, you get good grades. If not, you don't.
Back then, we all had equal chances in life. Our futures were bright with idealistic prospects. 7 years have passed and reality came to us in different ways. Some changed, and in my case, I was devastated by it.
We are in college no more.