Tuesday, May 23, 2017

I've been watching a lot of Netflix stand-up comedies lately.
I just love how confident these performers are.
Some of them aren't even funny but they don't give a d@m* and they made sure their audience know that.
Many even come off as conceited let alone pushovers.
Jeers and critics slide off their back like it ain't nothing. (lol. look how I'm already influenced)

This kind of confidence is very alien to me.
In my abusive childhood, I was ingrained to believe that I am unworthy of being offended.
When my parents were being mean to me, when my siblings were bullying me, I was taught to believe that I had deserved such treatment - that I was bad, and the abuse was justified.
I had no right to be angry.
I had to learn to swallow my anger like it was my shame.

This toxic upbringing left a lasting bruise to my self-esteem.
Whenever I was offended, I would immediately find excuses for that perpetrator or worse, blame myself.
I had a friend (A) who takes no qualms in correcting me.
Friend (B) can't stand it and asked me why do I tolerate her.
"Oh, she doesn't meant it, she has the right intentions," I honestly said, trying to diffuse my loyal friend B's anger.
B is so annoyed at A's insensitive behaviour, (no wait, B said RUDENESS), that B warned me to never again invite A if I want to meet-up with her (B).

That was 4 years ago.
When I met up with B upon returning from Penang, I shared with her how annoyed I felt with another friend (C).
My perceptive friend B smiled.
"Penang has changed you. You are more confident now. You now know that you too have the right to be angry at others."

Her remark got me thinking.
I didn't realised all this until she said that.
That's right bitches....
I'm angry.

I'm learning to practise the wise mantra of Netflix comedians when people diss them.
F*ck You!

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