I went out to buy shampoo.

In the grocery mart, I spotted a man squatting in an aisle, scrutinising a packet a flour.

Instincts tell me he's troubled.

As I browsed the shampoo aisle, I thought,

"I'm so lucky to be able to buy a shampoo at whim"

I went to a clothes-swapping event,

As I browsed at a majority of the clothes which I can't wear, I thought,

"They are so pretty," without any hint of envy but rather pure admiration for the artistic beauty in those clothes.

When I was watching NHK's Great Race. A couple who lost their only child to eating disorder, was in the race. Running the race helps them in dealing with the pain. "I can feel my daughter's presence," she said. I cried when a group of young local girls encouraged her during the race.

 I felt inspired and thought,

"It's time I start exercising. Not many how little or slow," and I did.

I watched Maru-Chan's Cafe, and felt humbled and in awe in the proprietor of the cafe.

Maru-Chan lost her daughter in a traffic accident. Now, she transfer the intensity of the hurt she's carrying into her work in making her cafe a community refuge for all ages.

Anybody can have a proper meal in her cafe in exchange for simple chores.

This exchange creates a strong sense of belonging among her patrons.

I experienced all the above positive feelings and yet,

I still would welcome death with open arms.

Passive suicidal, they call it.

 

Watched At Cafe 6 by accident.

This movie plot had an unexpected twist in the ending.

I had the inkling very early though.

The moment he stood his best friend up, 

I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.

The moment he asked his ex the question and cried but pretended to be ok with the response.

I knew he had made a resolute decision.

The moment he started recounting his regrets, I knew.

I knew.

Oh no, his decision is a tragic one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this eerily strong sense of familiarity.

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

 at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,  

James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.

And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination. 

Sanjiv Daevin with his long-time musician friend Eddie Zachariah (right) on their way to an international music festival. 

 PETALING JAYA, August 6 — Eddy Zachariah had been pals with A. Sanjiv Daevin for more than half of Sanjiv’s life. Ever since Sanjiv was a fresh-faced teenager who joined the Aseana Percussion Unit (APU) in 2001. 

 That’s what made it so difficult for Zachariah when he heard the news that his “partner-in-crime” was found dead by the police on Monday, after falling from his 12th-floor condominium in Bandar Kinrara, Serdang. 

 Zachariah told Malay Mail that he was gutted when he found out what had happened and still cannot imagine that his bright-smiled friend would ever take his own life. 

 “It was a really big, terrible shock. We were very, very close and had so many good times together. We spoke a few weeks ago and everything was fine. He was normal and we were even making plans to go out one of these days,” said Zachariah. 

 “On Sunday night he was with some of his former pilot crew members, and they were shocked as well when they heard because when they parted ways he seemed fine and even said that he would catch up with them soon. 

But the next day it happened. “That’s the big question mark that’s hanging. He never showed any signs of depression or sadness. That’s the thing that is so hard to accept.”

Sanjiv, 35, used to work as a pilot for AirAsia, before being let go during the MCO, and was also an extremely skilled musician who could play seven different instruments as well as a qualified music instructor at Music Mart in Petaling Jaya.

Zachariah said that while he is devastated by Sanjiv’s passing, he is determined to remember his old friend for all of his positive traits, saying that Sanjiv was always a kind friend and intelligent musician.

“He was a real go-getter. Since he was young, whenever he puts his mind to something, he really does it,” said Zachariah.

“He spent one year in Germany and could speak fluent German by the end of it. He studied and graduated in IT and then pursued his dream of becoming a pilot. After three years at AirAsia, he became a captain, but he would still perform gigs with us.”

He added that Sanjiv was also very professional and disciplined when it came to his work.

“All his friends at AirAsia said that Sanjiv was a real pro, who lived to work. And he really cared about his job too because whenever he has an upcoming flight he’ll tell me he can’t come out for drinks. But as soon as he has some time off, he will call me out,” said Zachariah.

Zachariah also said that Sanjiv used to love spending time outdoors and would go road cycling with his friends every weekend.

Edwin Nathaniel, APU leader and also a good friend of Sanjiv’s, fondly remembers how Sanjiv took over his sister Sujatha’s place in APU all those years ago.

 

Last Tuesday my son Johan Alam came home and sat with me and his sister in the hall. Then he cried.

He had just returned from the wake of Sanjiv Daevin, 35, who had fallen to his death a day earlier.They became pals more than 10 years ago when they were course mates at Malaysian Flying Academy in Malacca.

One thing Johan said that struck me like an arrow through the heart was, “It could have been me.”

“Why didn’t Sanjiv call someone?” Johan asked. “Yes, he lost his job but life was still fine for him.”

But then we never know. We always assume that things are okay because people with personal problems or depression hardly ever reveal much to others.

When Johan and his friends left the wake after paying their respects, they agreed that it is absolutely vital for them to keep in touch regularly. They also agreed to talk to each other if any of them has problems.

Sanjiv, also a talented musician, was retrenched from his piloting job a few months ago but those close to him didn’t realise the extent of his stress.

Sanjiv had even been to our house those days. He would even car pool with Johan once a while to go back to Malacca.

They went separate ways after flying school and hardly contacted each other then on.

We need to be more alert to what our loved ones (including friends) are going through and be ready to listen and help.

Johan, while friendly with everyone, is not generous with words when describing and assessing people. But in Sanjiv, he said he has lost a wonderful friend. That says a lot about the great guy Sanjiv was.

Wind calm, cleared for take-off … until next time, buddy

– Johan Alam

It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama

I just love these stories that are told in the movie.

1.The boy who fed on nightmares.

"All my bad memories are gone. But why can't I be happy?"

"Hurtful painful memories, memories of deep regret,

Memories of hurting others, of being hurt, 

of being abandoned,

Only those with such memories buried in their hearts

become stronger, more compassionate.

and emotionally resilient.

And only these people can feel true happiness.

Remember it all and live despite of it.

If not, you will always be the kid whose emotional soul never grows.

2.The cheerful Dog.

 During the day, while people are out and about, he is always so cheerful and vibrant! 

Come nightfall, he ends up crying and whining, wishing to run free and play in the field. 

A voice within him says: “Why not cut the leash and go enjoy?” 

At that moment, the dog realized that he doesn’t know how to escape his leash because he’s been so used to being tied to the tree, and he simply does not know what to do anymore.

3. The Masked boy, Empty-Can girl and Boxed boy search for their real faces all their life.

The Shadow witch actually hadn't stolen their faces, but their courage to find true happiness for themselves.

An old acquaintance from the ward wrote this in his blog 
走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己，会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!

Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.

坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.

When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."

1.was watching NHK's Invisible Homeless: People Living in Cars 
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,

"Tonight, do you wonder if there are any invisible homeless people near you?"

2.in the Korean drama -It's ok not to be ok, Gang Tae was comforting a patient in a psychiatric ward. The issue that had burdened the patient's emotional and mental health for so many years, had resurfaced. 

She was bawling.

The camera pan out the adult patient's character and pan in into the same patient who is now the little girl she was when the abuse happened. 

The director was graphically astute in describing the patient's feeling to the audience.

After all these years, she's still that little girl who is still hurting.

My tears inevitably trickled.

Was happy to hear that Raym 's contract has been renewed.
Boss decided to adjust his employment terms so that he's able to cope.
Boss is indeed compassionate.

The cleaner who was I was quite close to, suffered a stroke.
A week ago, she had complained about headaches and lethargy.
I gently advised her to rest more and not work the extra shifts.
She even regularly took side jobs as a masseuse.
I hope she gets well soon.