MY STRUGGLES WITH DEPRESSION
 REAL-LIFE STORY. By Maxy Chan - A Student Living with Depression ;

MMHA BULLETIN NOV 2017 · 4

I was diagnosed with depression in early 2016. Three months before the diagnosis, I experienced severe chest pain, frequent migraine, I couldn’t feel whether I am full or hungry. I couldn’t sleep almost after 3am every day. There were too many thoughts running in my head. I need to shout in order to release the uncomfortable feelings that have been trapped in my body. I was shocked to notice I cried almost three times every day, during my classes in campus. I don’t know why I was sad.

I requested my parents to bring me to mental health professionals. My father refused at the first time, worrying that I may leave a bad record in my future career. When my symptoms were getting serious, I started receiving sessions from clinical psychologist, hypnotherapist, and psychiatrist. With psychiatrist’s letter, I took deferment of two semesters to rest at home.
I was prescribed Olenza, Xanax, Zoloft, Prazovex, and Prozac. My parents brought me to the park every evening, to get near to nature, and encouraged me to exercise. I gained 7-8kgs in the next few months. Depression can also cause obvious weight gain or weight loss.

Simultaneously, I started developed symptoms of OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I kept washing hands, I needed to make more than 15 pumps of hand soap every time I wash my hands. I also wanted to repeat every word I said to family. I kept repeating the route that I just walked because I think I didn’t do it well. Suicidal thoughts came every often. I made a few attempts without success. It was totally heart-breaking, overwhelming and devastating. I needed to lay down at least half an hour to let my thoughts run, so that I can feel at ease to proceed my daily routines. because the cause of a depression can contain factors from biology, psychology, and social categories.

However, throughout my counselling sessions, I realized I have been suppressing my emotions for more than 6 years since I was a teenager. I never share my secrets to friends or family. I didn’t allow myself to feel anger, sad, and many other negative emotions because I think it is not polite to be angry. I also didn’t want to express myself when I feel happy, because I was worried there is someone around me who may be going through an unfortunate event at the same time. I have developed a habit to conceal my emotions through the years.
Today, I am still taking Prozac under the advice of psychiatrist. In 2017, I tried to make changes in my life to actively join university clubs and events. I experienced seeing a movie in cinema unaccompanied. I went to a picnic with friends. I organized my first solo piano recital.

I went to a pub with siblings. I participated in short marathons to motivate myself to exercise. I participated in a local “Go Bald” event to raise awareness in childhood cancer. I organized a fundraising recital to collect donations for UNICEF Malaysia. Recently, I just had my first ice skating experience.
I don’t think I have fully recovered from my mental illness.
 But I think that embracing the condition I am facing, and be more open in mind is already part of the recovery journey. I am now pursuing my bachelor’s degree in music at a local tertiary education institution.

By Maxy Chan