Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Some of My Favorite One Liners.

  • I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.

  • Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

  • I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

  • If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?

  • This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!

  • Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.

  • The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

  • Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.

  • We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

  • Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.

  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.

  • Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

  • I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

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