Some of My Favorite One Liners.

• I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.


• You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.


• Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.


• I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.


• If winning isn't everything why do they keep score?


• This girl rang me up one time, she says "come over, nobody is home", I went over, no one was home!


• Depression is just anger without enthusiasm.


• The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.


• Before you insult a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you insult him, you'll be a mile away, and have his shoes.


• We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.


• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.


• Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the heck is the ceiling.


• Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.


• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car