I was surprised that they would celebrate my birthday.

Wow.

I had a birthday song sang at workplace too.

Even my housemate remembered.

"So what did you wish for?"

I smiled.

It kinda came true already.

Last night, I was alone in the house.

It was raining softly.

As I was chewing my sandwich and sipping my coffee, I stared at my laundry hung at the window.

The wind was blowing softly.

Looking at laundry being in the midst of getting clean or dry has always been therapeutic for me.

OMG.

Suddenly I realised something.

My wish has finally came true.

I'm in a peaceful place.

I'm finally here for me.

I'm finally me.

Weeks ago, I stumbled upon a homeless man who had many plastic bags with him.
It looked like he had gathered unwanted materials from the trash cans and decided that they worth keeping.
It was clear they are now his private property.
At first I thought it seemed rather silly to take all the trouble to gather and keep such worthless things. I believe he'd carry them with him whenever he needs to move around.

Suddenly, I realized something.
We are all like that too.

We love to gather, keep and carry things that we think are important to us.
What makes them important?
A matter of opinion.

I am Grateful for...

1. Just when the darkness began to cling on stronger unto me, my most cheerful colleague called me over the intercom to invite me to McDonald's for lunch.
Two days ago, we had this conversation.
 'Do you eat fastfood?" she asked.
"I try not to, I fall sick easily." I answered.
 "Ah! You lack the fast food nutrients in your body, that's why you lack the army to battle the illness !" she joked.
It's much funnier in Hokkien, the native Chinese dialect here which I'm excited to learn.

2.After a long time of searching, finally found a Chinese Sinseh (traditional medical practitioner) who helped my 'loosen' my muscles. It's extra bonus that he's young and handsome too. **blush blush

3. A very Helpful colleague S called me, (despite being on leave) just to give me the number of her relative who sells 2nd-hand car. She recently got a very good deal on her 2nd hand car purchase and she hoped that I might follow her lucky stride.
Also, the other day, she saved me a packet of nasi lemak, when there were leftovers from the meeting. Later, I learnt that the leftovers weren't enough to go around.

4.Colleague K gave me a small tumbler of home-made banana shake this morning. Earlier, she gave me some vitamins for my stomach too.

5.Colleague CS, the IT guy, remembered to come to my desk to check on my hardware despite being so busy with his workload.

6.Colleague KY gave me a small bear, telling me it's for the newest staff to keep until the next one comes along. I think the person who initiated this tradition is not only creative, but kind at heart.

7.I have reasonably friendly housemates who would initiate conversation. Sometimes, just talking about the weather does make one feel better.

8.Witnessed child A, who played on his father's customer's motorbike. He was playing the motorist role so well that he even stepped on the clutch and breaks when his imagined journey required him too.
Witnessed child B this morning who was so excited when the bus arrived. The bus I take to work everyday. I should emulate some of his excitement, perhaps?

I am blessed.

Looking for a counselor was among my priority in my to-do list when I had decided to move here.

I googled.

I was very lucky to have found a non-profit based organisation that provides this service.

I even called to make an appointment even before I got here, fearing that a counselling slot may be hard to come by.

I wanted to make sure I was in queue.

So, I've met Ernest (great name) twice.

He had been very helpful.

I won't hesitate to call him again when the need arises.

"Your head will go where your eyes are looking,"

"You must do this self-care exercise EVERYDAY. This is important,"

said the chiropractor.

Taken entirely from https://libcom.org/blog/xulizhi-foxconn-suicide-poetry

Obituary from Shenzhen Evening News, including Xu's departing poem
by Li Fei and Zhang Xiaoqi
10 October, 2014

《我弥留之际》
“On My Deathbed”

我想再看一眼大海，目睹我半生的泪水有多汪洋
I want to take another look at the ocean, behold the vastness of tears from half a lifetime

我想再爬一爬高高的山头，试着把丢失的灵魂喊回来
I want to climb another mountain, try to call back the soul that I’ve lost

我还想摸一摸天空，碰一碰那抹轻轻的蓝
I want to touch the sky, feel that blueness so light

可是这些我都办不到了，我就要离开这个世界了
But I can’t do any of this, so I’m leaving this world

所有听说过我的人们啊
Everyone who’s heard of me

不必为我的离开感到惊讶
Shouldn’t be surprised at my leaving

更不必叹息，或者悲伤
Even less should you sigh or grieve

我来时很好，去时，也很好
I was fine when I came, and fine when I left.

-- Xu Lizhi, 30 September 2014

Shy, quiet, introverted, solitary

In 2010, Xu Lizhi went [from his home in rural Jieyang, Guangdong] to work at [a] Foxconn [electronics factory in Shenzhen], beginning life on the assembly line. From 2012 until February of this year [2014], over 30 of his writings were published in Foxconn’s internal newspaper Foxconn People (富士康人), including poems, essays, film reviews, and news commentaries {…} Xu posted the titles of these writings on his blog in a post called “The Maturation Given to Me by a Newspaper,” indicating his gratitude for this platform for his literary aspirations. The first time his friend Zheng (pseudonym) read Xu’s poetry, he was astonished to discover that this young man could be so talented. Henceforth, Zheng always looked for Xu’s writings in the newspaper.

Zheng’s impression was that Xu was a shy boy, “of few words, but not silent.” “Xu asserted his convictions, but he seemed quite solitary – very much the air of a poet.” When Zheng heard of Xu’s suicide, his entire [week-long] break for [China’s] National Day was shrouded in grief. He could not go outside for days.

Turning feelings into poems; fearing they be read by family

Most of Xu’s early poems were descriptions of life on the assembly line. In “Workshop, My Youth Was Stranded Here,” he described his conditions at the time: “Beside the assembly line, tens of thousands of workers [dagongzhe]1 line up like words on a page/ 'Faster, hurry up!'/ Standing among them, I hear the supervisor bark.” He felt that “Once you’ve entered the workshop/ The only choice is submission,” and that his youth was coldly slipping away, so he could only “Watch it being ground away day and night/ Pressed, polished, molded/ Into a few measly bills, so-called wages.”

At first Xu Lizhi found it difficult to adapt to the constant switching between dayshifts and nightshifts. In another poem, he described himself by the assembly line “standing straight like iron, hands like flight,” “How many days, how many nights/ Did I – just like that – standing, fall asleep?” He described his working life as exhausting, “Flowing through my veins, finally reaching the tip of my pen/ Taking root in the paper/ These words can be read only by the hearts of migrant workers."

Xu once said that he never showed his poetry to his parents or other relatives, "because it's something painful; I don't want them to see that."

Failed efforts to get a job related to books　

Although Xu lived in Shenzhen for only a few years, he identified deeply with the city. "Everyone wishes they could put down roots in the city," he explained, but most migrant-worker [dagong] poets write for a few years and then return to the countryside, get married and have children; Xu hoped to avoid that fate. He tried setting up a street stall with a friend, but failed. He also tried transferring from the assembly line to a logistics position, where he would have more freedom. He understood that very few such poets could get out [走出来]: "[we] have to constantly fight for our lives [为生活奔波]; it's hard to go any further than that."

In February of this year, Xu quit his job at Foxconn and moved to Suzhou, Jiangsu. His friend explained that Xu's girlfriend worked there, but apparently things did not go well for Xu in Jiangsu. He told Zheng that he had trouble finding a job, but he did not go into detail about what happened there.

Half a year later, he moved back to Shenzhen. In an earlier interview, Xu had said that he loved this city, that he derived great pleasure from its Central Book Mall and public libraries. If he were to return home [to rural Jieyang], there were only a few small bookstores, and "even if I tried to order books online, they couldn't be delivered" [to his remote address].

Due to his love of books, the first job application he submitted upon his return to Shenzhen in early September was to the Central Book Mall. Zheng recalled that Xu had told him, while working at Foxconn, that his dream was to become a librarian. Unfortunately, he did not get the job, and Zheng thinks this was a major disappointment. Two years earlier, Xu had applied for a position as librarian at Foxconn's internal library for employees, in response to a call for applications, and Xu had been turned down then as well. {...}

Returning to the workshop for one day prior to the incident

Xu was running out of money, so after these disappointments, he returned to Foxconn, beginning work on September 29, in the same workshop where he had worked before. This should have been a new beginning, but it was not. That evening he mentioned to Zheng via online chat that someone had found him another job, so he might leave Foxconn again, but Zheng did not consider this anything special, figuring that Xu would not leave very soon, having just resumed work at Foxconn.

The next Zheng heard of Xu was two days later, when people forwarded the news of Xu's suicide on WeChat. Zheng could not believe it: "Hadn't we just chatted two nights ago?" Later Zheng learned that Xu had committed suicide only the morning after they had chatted, not two days later as the media had reported.

Refuting online rumors that Xu was an orphan

[Although it has been 10 days since Xu's death,] when it is mentioned, Zheng still cannot bear the grief. He thinks that Xu's suicide resulted from both internal and external factors: not only the disappointments he had undergone, but even more so the solitary poetic spirit in his bones.2

After Xu's passing, some online obituaries claimed that as a young child he had been orphaned, neglected and insulted until a poor old women adopted and raised him, and that this foster-grandmother had died a few years ago, leaving Xu alone in the world.

Zheng [refuted these rumors, pointing out that] Xu's writings often mentioned his mother and homesickness. His second poem published in Foxconn People [for example], was called "Summertime Homesickness."

Xu's poetry is cold and pensive, directly facing a life of misery. His poems trace a trajectory in which the scent of death becomes more and more pronounced. He had already rehearsed death hundreds of times in his writing, so the final act was merely a small step over the edge.

Selected Poems by Xu Lizhi

《冲突》
"Conflict"

他们都说
They all say

我是个话很少的孩子
I'm a child of few words

对此我并不否认
This I don't deny

实际上
But actually

我说与不说
Whether I speak or not

都会跟这个社会
With this society I'll still

发生冲突
Conflict

-- 7 June 2013

《我就那样站着入睡》
"I Fall Asleep, Just Standing Like That"

眼前的纸张微微发黄
The paper before my eyes fades yellow

我用钢笔在上面凿下深浅不一的黑
With a steel pen I chisel on it uneven black

里面盛满打工的词汇
Full of working words

车间，流水线，机台，上岗证，加班，薪水……
Workshop, assembly line, machine, work card, overtime, wages...

我被它们治得服服贴贴
They've trained me to become docile

我不会呐喊，不会反抗
Don't know how to shout or rebel

不会控诉，不会埋怨
How to complain or denounce

只默默地承受着疲惫
Only how to silently suffer exhaustion

驻足时光之初
When I first set foot in this place

我只盼望每月十号那张灰色的薪资单
I hoped only for that grey pay slip on the tenth of each month

赐我以迟到的安慰
To grant me some belated solace

为此我必须磨去棱角，磨去语言
For this I had to grind away my corners, grind away my words

拒绝旷工，拒绝病假，拒绝事假
Refuse to skip work, refuse sick leave, refuse leave for private reasons

拒绝迟到，拒绝早退
Refuse to be late, refuse to leave early

流水线旁我站立如铁，双手如飞
By the assembly line I stood straight like iron, hands like flight,

多少白天，多少黑夜
How many days, how many nights

我就那样，站着入睡
Did I - just like that - standing fall asleep?

-- 20 August 2011

《一颗螺丝掉在地上》
"A Screw Fell to the Ground"

一颗螺丝掉在地上
A screw fell to the ground

在这个加班的夜晚
In this dark night of overtime

垂直降落，轻轻一响
Plunging vertically, lightly clinking

不会引起任何人的注意
It won’t attract anyone’s attention

就像在此之前
Just like last time

某个相同的夜晚
On a night like this

有个人掉在地上
When someone plunged to the ground

-- 9 January 2014

《谶言一种》
"A Kind of Prophecy"

村里的老人都说
Village elders say

我跟我爷爷年轻时很像
I resemble my grandfather in his youth

刚开始我不以为然
I didn’t recognize it

后来经他们一再提起
But listening to them time and again

我就深信不疑了
Won me over

我跟我爷爷
My grandfather and I share

不仅外貌越看越像
Facial expressions

就连脾性和爱好
Temperaments, hobbies

也像同一个娘胎里出来的
Almost as if we came from the same womb

比如我爷爷外号竹竿
They nicknamed him “bamboo pole”

我外号衣架
And me, “clothes hanger”

我爷爷经常忍气吞声
He often swallowed his feelings

我经常唯唯诺诺
I'm often obsequious

我爷爷喜欢猜谜
He liked guessing riddles

我喜欢预言
I like premonitions

1943年秋，鬼子进
In the autumn of 1943, the Japanese devils invaded

我爷爷被活活烧死
and burned my grandfather alive

享年23岁
at the age of 23.

我今年23岁
This year i turn 23.

-- 18 June 2013

《最后的墓地》
"The Last Graveyard"

机台的鸣叫也打着瞌睡
Even the machine is nodding off

密封的车间贮藏疾病的铁
Sealed workshops store diseased iron

薪资隐藏在窗帘后面
Wages concealed behind curtains

仿似年轻打工者深埋于心底的爱情
Like the love that young workers bury at the bottom of their hearts

没有时间开口，情感徒留灰尘
With no time for expression, emotion crumbles into dust

他们有着铁打的胃
They have stomachs forged of iron

盛满浓稠的硫酸，硝酸
Full of thick acid, sulfuric and nitric

工业向他们收缴来不及流出的泪
Industry captures their tears before they have the chance to fall

时辰走过，他们清醒全无
Time flows by, their heads lost in fog

产量压低了年龄，疼痛在日夜加班
Output weighs down their age, pain works overtime day and night

还未老去的头晕潜伏生命
In their lives, dizziness before their time is latent

皮肤被治具强迫褪去
The jig forces the skin to peel

顺手镀上一层铝合金
And while it's at it, plates on a layer of aluminum alloy

有人还在坚持着，有人含病离去
Some still endure, while others are taken by illness

我在他们中间打盹，留守青春的
I am dozing between them, guarding

最后一块墓地
The last graveyard of our youth.

-- 21 December 2011

《我一生中的路还远远没有走完》
"My Life’s Journey is Still Far from Complete"

这是谁都没有料到的
This is something no one expected

我一生中的路
My life’s journey

还远远没有走完
Is far from over

就要倒在半路上了
But now it's stalled at the halfway mark

类似的困境
It’s not as if similar difficulties

以前也不是没有
Didn’t exist before

只是都不像这次
But they didn’t come

来得这么突然
As suddenly

这么凶猛
As ferociously

一再地挣扎
Repeatedly struggle

竟全是徒劳
But all is futile

我比谁都渴望站起来
I want to stand up more than anyone else

可是我的腿不答应
But my legs won’t cooperate

我的胃不答应
My stomach won’t cooperate

我全身的骨头都不答应
All the bones of my body won’t cooperate

我只能这样平躺着
I can only lie flat

在黑暗里一次次地发出
In this darkness, sending out

无声的求救信号
A silent distress signal, again and again

再一次次地听到
Only to hear, again and again

绝望的回响
The echo of desperation.

-- 13 July 2014

《我咽下一枚铁做的月亮》
"I Swallowed a Moon Made of Iron"

我咽下一枚铁做的月亮
I swallowed a moon made of iron

他们把它叫做螺丝
They refer to it as a nail

我咽下这工业的废水，失业的订单
I swallowed this industrial sewage, these unemployment documents

那些低于机台的青春早早夭亡
Youth stooped at machines die before their time

我咽下奔波，咽下流离失所
I swallowed the hustle and the destitution

咽下人行天桥，咽下长满水锈的生活
Swallowed pedestrian bridges, life covered in rust

我再咽不下了
I can't swallow any more

所有我曾经咽下的现在都从喉咙汹涌而出
All that I've swallowed is now gushing out of my throat

在祖国的领土上铺成一首
Unfurling on the land of my ancestors

耻辱的诗
Into a disgraceful poem.

-- 19 December 2013

《出租屋》
"Rented Room"

十平米左右的空间
A space of ten square meters

局促，潮湿，终年不见天日
Cramped and damp, no sunlight all year

我在这里吃饭，睡觉，拉屎，思考
Here I eat, sleep, shit, and think

咳嗽，偏头痛，生老，病不死
Cough, get headaches, grow old, get sick but still fail to die

昏黄的灯光下我一再发呆，傻笑
Under the dull yellow light again I stare blankly, chuckling like an idiot

来回踱步，低声唱歌，阅读，写诗
I pace back and forth, singing softly, reading, writing poems

每当我打开窗户或者柴门
Every time I open the window or the wicker gate

我都像一位死者
I seem like a dead man

把棺材盖，缓缓推开
Slowly pushing open the lid of a coffin.

-- 2 December 2013

《惊闻90后青工诗人许立志坠楼有感》
"Upon Hearing the News of Xu Lizhi's Suicide"
by Zhou Qizao (周启早), a fellow worker at Foxconn

每一个生命的消失
The loss of every life

都是另一个我的离去
Is the passing of another me

又一枚螺丝松动
Another screw comes loose

又一位打工兄弟坠楼
Another migrant worker brother jumps

你替我死去
You die in place of me

我替你继续写诗
And I keep writing in place of you

顺便拧紧螺丝
While I do so, screwing the screws tighter

今天是祖国六十五岁的生日
Today is our nation's sixty-fifth birthday

举国欢庆
We wish the country joyous celebrations

二十四岁的你立在灰色的镜框里微微含笑
A twenty-four-year-old you stands in the grey picture frame, smiling ever so slightly

秋风秋雨
Autumn winds and autumn rain

白发苍苍的父亲捧着你黑色的骨灰盒趔趄还乡
A white-haired father, holding the black urn with your ashes, stumbles home.

-- 1 October 2014

Last night, I was recalling a childhood memory to my housemate.
It was very nostalgic indeed.
I ended my narration with these words.
"Weird isn't it? It is the incidents that were somewhat inconvenient and challenging that we tend to remember best. The every minute detail of it. The feelings, the weather, the colors, even the very scent of it."

This afternoon, during lunch, my colleague shared her family's past at the table.
I was and still am very impressed that she'd feel comfortable sharing such personal details.
Her story was so interesting that no one dared interrupt her for the next 30 minutes.
When she finished, a colleague commended, "Wow, this would make an excellent tv series indeed."
Everyone agreed.

Indeed, we wouldn't remember incidents that were easy and comfortable with such detailed description.

Taken from Lessons From Roald Dahl Books That Prepared Us For Adulthood
1. Learn lessons from those who are different from you

In “James and the Giant Peach,” James befriends giant bugs who become like family to him, after longing to belong and be loved. The same goes for Sophie in “The BFG,” who takes a chance and befriends a giant, whom she comes to have an incredibly rewarding relationship.

It’s important not to rule out friendships with people who are different from us.

Moral of the story: Variety is the spice of life.

2. It’s okay to be different

Many of Dahl’s strongest characters certainly don’t fit in with the crowd. Willy Wonka is an extremely eccentric man; Matilda’s family only enjoys watching TV, while she prefers reading; James’ aunts have nothing in common with him, and he longs for something more.

Moral of the story: Being unique can be magical.

3. Independence is key

Many of the child protagonists’ parents or guardians in Dahl’s books are cruel and crude. This is true for “James and the Giant Peach,” “Matilda” and “The Witches,” to name a few. In these tales, the children have to take situations into their own hands to find enjoyment in life.

Dahl teaches us that we won’t always have parents to act as our infallible role models.

Moral of the story: We need to be able to support ourselves.

4. Reading is good for the soul

Matilda teaches us that people can escape through reading, as she struggles to understand or be understood by her own family. A great quote from the book reads,

The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling.

She traveled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village.

Moral of the story: Reading can transport us to imaginary respites that can bring us much joy.

5. Sometimes, dreams do come true

Charlie longs for a golden ticket to get into Willy Wonka’s factory. Guess what? He gets the ticket and, eventually, the entire factory. Matilda’s family mistreats her, and she longs for a nicer family; eventually, she ends up with her loving teacher, Miss Honey.

James longs for playmates and a nicer family, too. He ultimately lives in Manhattan in a giant peach pit, with friends surrounding him.

Moral of the story: The things for which we wish become reality if we do right by others and by ourselves.

6. Two wrongs don’t make a right

In “The BFG,” the Big Friendly Giant refuses to use violence against other giants, even though they’re violent against humans. Instead, he talks to the Queen of England (diplomacy for kids!), and together, they devise a way to capture the giants and punish them humanely.

Moral of the story: Making good is never achieved through acting badly.

7. Appearances can be deceiving

The giant in “The BFG” is, in fact, a big friendly giant. In “The Witches,” the witches take on the appearances of totally normal-looking, attractive women. In “James and the Giant Peach,” James befriends giant bugs, which upon first glance, seem terrifying.

All of these Roald Dahl books point out the importance of making character-based judgments, rather than appearance.

Moral of the story: Don’t judge a book by its cover (pun intended).

8. You should always be confident in your abilities

Mr. Fox from the “Fantastic Mr. Fox” oozes self-confidence, and because of this, he achieves a lot. Of course, it’s not right to reach the point of arrogance, but this character proves that with enough self-assurance, great things can happen.

Moral of the story: Believe in yourself and in your dreams.

9. Make the best of your situation

Many of Dahl’s characters are in extremely unfortunate situations. Charlie’s family is devastatingly poor. Matilda’s family is horribly mean to her, and James’ aunts barely feed him and keep him locked in his room all the time.

These three do the best they can to make the best of what they have. When they realize it’s not good enough, they try to change it. This ultimately leads them to more fruitful lives.

Moral of the story: We can break free from bad people and bad situations if we put our minds to it.

It was one of those rare dreams where you'd remember even after you have long awaken.

It was in the house where I had lived for 20 years.
The entire neighborhood was destroyed for the railway construction.
The huge futuristic train arrived but only the privileged few can board.
No one said anything.
It was understood by all.
It's so strange that all of us had accepted this cruel fact without any protest.

And I was to be married to a man I didn't love to have a baby I didn't want ?
Wow, what movie did I watch before I fell asleep?

Out of boredom, I checked my phone.

Surprised to see a missed-call notification.

It was from Sw.

Called her back immediately.

Was relieved that she answered.

Her voice was trembling but she remained courteous and asked about my day.

And I asked about hers too.

And if she is struggling.

She was embarrassed but she told me the truth.

I really hope she'd see the light soon.

No matter now faint the glimmer.

Musashi, the greatest samurai & a deeply feeling student of the Buddha, set down 21 Rules to Live by. Here they are.

1. Accept everything just the way it is.
2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.
4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.
6. Do not regret what you have done.
7. Never be jealous.
8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.
9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.
10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.
11. In all things have no preferences.
12. Be indifferent to where you live.
13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.
14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.
15. Do not act following customary beliefs.
16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful.
17. Do not fear death.
18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.
19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help.
20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honour.
21. Never stray from the Way.
Taken from www.elephantjournal.com