"Depression doesn't just affect your mood, it warps your thoughts and perception of life."
"I get into this state of self-loathing...sorta mentally poaching myself, asking why aren't you better at life, why are you such a terrible person?"
"I don't actually want to kill myself, I just don't want to have to feel this way anymore."

"I started focusing on a routine, making sure I slept enough, recognizing when I'm starting to fall again"
"The more self-aware you become, the more you understand what's going on. It doesn't mean you can stop it, but you can look out for yourself better."
"It's part of me but I'm not going to let it control me."
"I'm so determined to not let it beat me that I try a lot of harder in other aspects in my life."

"Ask for help. You are not alone."
"There are a lot of people battling with depression, mental illness than you realized, they just don't talk about it."
"Find an outlet to express yourself."
"Don't forget what an achievement it is when you do get up, go out, even if it's just a 5-minute walk, meeting those little goals are just as important as the big ones."
"You just have to take it to your own pace, you will get there eventually."

"I was at a really low point last summer. I stopped talking to everyone, and started taking downers."
"How'd you pull out of it?"
"I joined a dance group. I'm heading there right now, in fact."

Taken from humans of newyork

Today, I learnt that tears during a heartbreak is similar with menstruation flow.
It's terribly private and embarrassing; it leaves stains and worse of all, I can't control it.

I had a great outing with my buddies last night.
My appetite returned - which I only came to realised when my friend pointed it out.

So, I thought ah... I'm back.
It's all good.

But today, after gym, as I was driving to the office, suddenly my heart ached again.
Tears began swelling.
Nevertheless, I'm still very certain I'm ok.

I'm currently rereading some of my old online chats with CLY.
I 'm even smiling at some of his flirtatious comments and posts.
He can deny it all he wants, but in my books, we were dating.
And you know what ?
I think this experience is my biggest achievement so far !
4 years ago, I would never have dared to even hope that I'd have a chance to go on dates.
But now,
I'm reminded of my older post.

--You'd start doing what other ordinary people are doing.

You'd start enjoying what other ordinary people are enjoying.

You'd begin to believe that you can be better, do better.

And you really will.--

10 points for TEASIPS!

I had a really hard time waking up this morning.
Yes, those really dark mornings.
My mind struggled.
"Look at you, so pathetic. He was right to choose not to be with you," said darkness.
Then light spoken too.
"You have two choices. 
Wake up and face the day. 
Or go back to bed and continue to feel horrible."
I got up.

My appetite has been severely affected.
I thought, woo hoo! I can lose weight ! - It's one of my lame,desperate attempts in cheering myself.
I was in a meeting with my colleague seated beside me.
The speaker was monotonously boring.
I wrote on my note for her to read, "Woah, check out the lady's bag - Michael Kors ! We should be working in her organisation !" - the lady holds the same position as us but in a different company.
My colleague flashed a cheeky expression.
I pressed my lips to hide my own.
I find myself being a walking oxymoron.
My heart aches like hell, I can still feel my lunch at my throat, I could puke any moment... and yet, I am still making jokes.

Funny, I never dared to put 'dating' as a blog label, but didn't hesitate for a second to add a new blog label 'pain'.
Perhaps, I subconsciously did know better.

Maya Angelou, the celebrated poet, writer and activist who rose from a childhood of poverty in Arkansas to become an American literary icon, died Wednesday morning at her home in Winston-Salem, N.C., at the age of 86.

Born in 1928 as Marguerite Johnson, Ms. Angelou led a multitude of lives. She drove a streetcar in San Francisco, was a newspaper editor in Egypt and worked as a cook and a prostitute when she was a destitute single mother. She wrote television and movie screenplays, performed on the stage as a singer, dancer and actor and released an album of Calypso music.
Helen Brann, Ms. Angelou's agent of close to 35 years, said the poet was in the middle of writing a new book and was in good spirits when they spoke on Tuesday.

"She sounded as she always did. She sounded vital and interested in her new book, which we were talking about," said Ms. Brann. "It's a terrific book, a memoir." The book is unfinished, Ms. Brann said.

Ms. Angelou published 36 books in her lifetime, including seven autobiographies, volumes of poetry, essay collections, cookbooks and children's books. She rose to fame in 1969 with the publication of her landmark book, "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," which explores her childhood and teenage years and delves into her struggles with rape, racial identity and sexism. It became a best seller and was nominated for a National Book Award, and remains a staple on many high-school and college curricula, selling millions of copies.
Ms. Angelou's literary reputation and global stature are all the more remarkable given the deep setbacks she dealt with as a child and teenager. Ms. Angelou spent much of her childhood in Stamps, Ark., grappling with poverty and sexual abuse. In "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings," she described being raped by her mother's boyfriend when she was 7, and feeling guilty about the man's death when he was murdered. She was convinced her voice had killed him, because she had told her brother that the man had assaulted her. She stopped speaking for five years.

A teacher introduced her to literature at a formative age, and she fell under the spell of Charles Dickens, William Shakespeare and Edgar Allan Poe. She studied dance and drama in high school, but never went to college. In her 1974 book "Gather Together in My Name," she describes her itinerant, desperate life as a young single mother, when she worked as a prostitute and fry cook to get by.

She managed to turn her life around, and in the 1950s entered a period of remarkable creativity that would continue for decades. Ms. Angelou has said in the past that her passion for performing arts helped her transition. She studied modern dance and performed as part of a dance team with choreographer Alvin Ailey. She sang and danced in night clubs and released an album, and adopted the stage name Maya Angelou.

Ms. Angelou began to focus on writing in the late 1950s, when she moved to New York. She joined the Harlem Writers Guild and became involved in civil-rights activism and the antiapartheid movement. In the early 1960s, she lived in Egypt and Ghana, where she worked as an editor and journalist.

Her writing career took off when a dinner companion, captivated by Ms. Angelou's childhood stories, urged Random House editor Robert Loomis to commission an autobiography from her. The resulting book was "I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings."

Mr. Loomis worked as her editor for more than 40 years. In a statement released by Random House, Mr. Loomis said, "Maya, a dear friend, helped change our hearts and minds about the African-American experience in the United States, bringing it to vivid life, and her spirit and energy crossed all borders and deeply affected readers around the world."

Ms. Angelou stuck to a rigid set of writing rituals. She liked to write in hotel rooms, and would even rent a room in her hometown when she was writing there. She wrote stretched out on a bed, with yellow notepads, an ashtray, a deck of cards, a dictionary, a thesaurus and a Bible next to her. She played solitaire to relax until she was ready to write. Besides Poe and Shakespeare, her literary influences included Frederick Douglass, Thomas Paine and Matthew Arnold.

Some of her poetry and essays bordered on philosophy, but at other times, she wielded blunt, plain language. In her famous poem, "Still I Rise," she wrote: "Does my sassiness upset you? / Why are you beset with gloom? / 'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells / Pumping in my living room."
Taken from .wsj.com

"I tend to be cynical about a lot of things, but Maya Angelou is somebody that no matter how much I pick her apart, she still has integrity. She was a victim of incest and rape, and she worked as a stripper.
And now she’s a literary icon and Nobel Laureate.
It goes to show that life is cumulative, and you can’t devalue any type of experience."

--- Humans of New York

“Living well is an art that can be developed: a love of life and ability to take great pleasure from small offerings and assurance that the world owes you nothing and that every gift is exactly that, a gift. ”

- Maya Angelou

“You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. Try to be a rainbow in someone else's cloud. Do not complain. Make every effort to change things you do not like. If you cannot make a change, change the way you have been thinking. You might find a new solution.” 

-Maya Angelou

 

My friend's little 5-day-old baby boy, Jayrus.

One thing good did come out of this whole CLY heartache.
I got to know that so many people cares for me.
A friend actually called me up 3 hours after our chat, worried of me.
Another friend made sure I have plans throughout the week, but totally understands if I need some time alone too.
"I'm ok. Nothing out of the ordinary. It's just a process that I'm going through."
I went shopping, visited the little precious * as seen above, went for a massage, and then gym.

Now, I'm typing my blog post feeling very desolated.
My mind kept doing post-mortem on this .
Had I played my cards wrong?
"Where did I go wrong? Did I tell him too soon? Did I give him enough time to know me better? Was I silly to even hope there was a possibility? "
I continued, "It's not that I wanted him that bad.The pain derives from the fact that he gave me the impression that he was keen on me... but.. . backed off  because of my illness.. and I can't even blame him for that. I end up blaming myself. "

My friend consoled me
"Blame yourself for being honest? I think not. You cant help the way he responds .
You took a risk . Risk always has consequences...
So chin up.  You've been through a lot worst"

Oh, the pain.
Baby Jayrus, I know that the next time I see you, you'd be a cute little toddler, and my heart would not ache like this anymore.
Time will heal.

I told CLY how I felt, hoping that he will reciprocate.
He didn’t.
"I apologize that my recent frequent outing with you has caused this misunderstanding 
I prefer to remain our current casual friendship status as I’m not ready nor have intention to pursue any relationship for the time being. 
Take care and good night."

"I'm sorry too. 
But thanks. It has been quite an experience ..
You take care too .. And please. if *insert matchmaker name* ask, please tell the truth. 
Please don't say that you were the one rejected*(I was implying that he might have lied about the previous endeavours with the other ladies.)

"Haha...That's why I had told you earlier that I like you very much."

If there was a middle finger emoticon, I would have no doubt clicked on it.
Instead, I typed, "Goodnight, sayang *my love in Malay*"
and added a Snoopy-pecking-on-the-forehead emoticon.

And that's the end of the chapter.

Dang.
Sadness and Sorrow from Naruto OST is currently playing on my media playlist.

***  Tell us, in 15 words or less, what happiness means to you.  ***

Smelling sweetness in the air, kind thoughts through my head, 

and faith in my heart that everything will be okay.

Bestselling author Andrew Matthews believes that being happy is a conscious choice people have to make daily until it becomes a way of life.

“The problem solving part of our brain lights up when we are happy and shuts down when we are miserable. So we have to shift the whole emphasis from saying ‘I’m going to work hard and be miserable, and one day that will make me happy’. We have to find joy and contentment in our daily lives, and that is really the fuel that will make us successful,” he explains.

Matthews shares that his books and life philosophies are inspired by Martin Seligman’s positive psychology, in which the American psychologist studied people who are happy and effective and concluded that “happy people were already happy before they found successful careers, relationships and so on”.

“Richard Branson (of Virgin Airlines fame) was already happy before he became a rich man, Usain Bolt was already happy before he became the fastest runner in the world,” says Matthews.

“What is the common factor among the happiest people? It’s gratitude. Happy people look for things to be thankful for. Does that mean you wake up in the morning and think about what are the things to be thankful for? Some do.

Others understand that life is all about what we look for. If you look for faults in your boyfriend – you find them. If you look for faults in your job – you see them.
“But if you wake up and think about the good things that happen (and have happened), that affects you every day of your life. Then you start looking for those qualities in others as well,” says Matthews.

“The essence is – the average people say ‘When I’m happy then I’ll be grateful’, and extraordinary people say, ‘When I’m grateful then I’ll be happy’.”
Nevertheless, Matthews feels that it will eventually become easier for us to just be happy, and that starts with ourselves. He says that many people have forgotten – or simply don’t know – the importance to being kind to themselves.

“Many people think that we’ll get better results if we criticise ourselves, when it is the exact opposite. Be kind to yourself, don’t criticise yourself, and understand that there is no book out there that says you have to be perfect,” he says.

The author adds that we should start “living in the present” and making a conscious effort to do just that, otherwise, we will regret the past and fear the future.

“Just as we cannot carry all the food that we would need on our back for the next 20 years, we can’t carry all the worries on our back that we need to solve in the next 20 years. For the most part our present moments are pretty much OK – unless you’re having a heart attack or being eaten by a bear, you’re pretty much okay.”                                                

Taken from http://www.thestar.com.my/

The moment I had decided that life goes on despite it all, I knew that I had to live by a set of precautionary rules to make sure that I keep my risk of relapse to the minimal.
It was A Promise I made to myself.
It was the only way to make sure that I'd live a life which I had control of, not one which the illness controls me.
I've been thinking about this post for some time now.
It's important that I remember this thought too.
So, I putting this down.
Many things have happened, hence I think I need to recap.
I have handled a few scenarios quite well.

I got to know a friend in a support group back in 2010.
I had just started working, and began buying a lot of online vouchers to explore new food and new places.
It wasn't much, but it helped me get out of the house and be surrounded by people.
I was fortunate that I had a friend to do these things with.
I believe I had written a great deal about her (anonymously) back then in my blog too.
But then, the friendship only lasted about a year before our fallout.
The reason was too simple.
She was imagining things about me.
She wrote a very nasty email to me, confirming all my suspicions.
I surprised myself when I didn't retaliate nor bother defending those atrocious accusations, knowing well that she too battles with mental illness. *I'm going to respect her privacy and not type her specific condition here
Our friendship died a natural death, without any drama - not from my side at least.

Then, there was another friend from the support group.
I know she might be reading this, hence I shan't describe much.
I had written a lot about her in here too.
But this friendship too, died of a natural death.

A few days ago, a friend over-reacted because of some frivolous things I said over a chat.
I wasn't tactful enough to notice that she was unwell or perhaps overstretched.
But again, I didn't fuel the reaction.
I backed off.

Readers, this is how I know I'm doing alright.
I'm OK.
At least for now, I'm sure I am.

Professor Charles Xavier: You know, I believe that true focus lies somewhere between rage and serenity. Would you mind if I...
[Charles makes a gesture to request permission to read Erik's mind]
Erik Lehnsherr: [Erik signals approval and while Charles reads Erik minds. We see moments of Erik's childhood with his mother] What did you just do to me?
[Both Erik and Charles cries]
Professor Charles Xavier: I accessed the brightest corner of your memory system. It's a very beautiful memory, Erik. Thank you.
Erik Lehnsherr: I didn't know I still had that.
Professor Charles Xavier: There is so much more to you than you know. Not just pain and anger. There is good, too. I felt it. When you can access all of that, you will possess a power no one can match. Not even me.

from X-Men: First Class (2011)

Steven Claunch, who was born without fingers on his right hand and with one leg shorter than the other and has excelled in basketball nonetheless, explains why obstacles can provide an opportunity to both inspire others and develop character. 

"Everybody has obstacles,a disability,a hurdle.

We face a choice:

Let the obstacle overcome you

or overcome the obstacle.

There's no dishonor in having a disability,

and I won't let anyone diss my ability,

but I don't want anyone's pity either.

I will not use the obstacles I face

as an excuse for having a pity party.

I will practice harder,play harder, and push myself harder

to keep getting better.
It's true, I have a disability,

but so do you.

I also have an ability,

so do you.

Everyone has obstacles to overcome.

Some are visible like mine.

Some are less visible. "

    ----   Steven Claunch

A nervous breakdown is, it's like being in a nightmare and not being able to wake up. And then every so often you wake up, and you say, ``Oh, wow, everything's normal.'' And then you go right back into that thing, that nightmare. 

I think other people now can say, “Hey if this guy can do it or if this woman can do it then I know I can do it.” I think that's how you start erasing the stigmas, of people just talking about it.

..........Maurice Bernard, Emmy-winning actor