I bought this set of plants as therapy.

They were really pretty when the flowers bloomed.

The web-worms attacked both of them.

I had to trim them down to this.

Hope to see them recover.

Update: Now that I've moved I have to leave them behind.

 

These Banana Leaves-Shoots just wouldn't die.

People kept chopping them off, burning the roots even.

But they kept sprouting.

Many many times.

What an amazing will to survive.

The will to live must be a universal law.

I'm amazed each time I see the new sprouts.

They just refuse to be 'defeated'.

 Dang. 

I just realised these Banana shoots are like Phoenixes. 

Rising from ashes.

I went out to buy shampoo.

In the grocery mart, I spotted a man squatting in an aisle, scrutinising a packet a flour.

Instincts tell me he's troubled.

As I browsed the shampoo aisle, I thought,

"I'm so lucky to be able to buy a shampoo at whim"

I went to a clothes-swapping event,

As I browsed at a majority of the clothes which I can't wear, I thought,

"They are so pretty," without any hint of envy but rather pure admiration for the artistic beauty in those clothes.

When I was watching NHK's Great Race. A couple who lost their only child to eating disorder, was in the race. Running the race helps them in dealing with the pain. "I can feel my daughter's presence," she said. I cried when a group of young local girls encouraged her during the race.

 I felt inspired and thought,

"It's time I start exercising. Not many how little or slow," and I did.

I watched Maru-Chan's Cafe, and felt humbled and in awe in the proprietor of the cafe.

Maru-Chan lost her daughter in a traffic accident. Now, she transfer the intensity of the hurt she's carrying into her work in making her cafe a community refuge for all ages.

Anybody can have a proper meal in her cafe in exchange for simple chores.

This exchange creates a strong sense of belonging among her patrons.

I experienced all the above positive feelings and yet,

I still would welcome death with open arms.

Passive suicidal, they call it.

Even a photo taken in Ikea looks like it's straight out of a magazine.

 The home where everyone is.

Collection of happy moments.

There was a group of little children playing hide and seek in the playground of the apartment.
A little toddler caught my eye.
She doesn't know what's going on but she's happy that her siblings were so excited and that she's also part of the game.
The way the toddler looked at her older sister was priceless.
An unfathomable but trusting joy...

I learnt that Raym is leaving the company.
"I've been made redundant," he so honestly put it.
I felt so bad for him.
He is the type of man who'd tell you how blessed he was to be given a lift home,
 instead of how someone had knocked his car by accident, causing him terrible inconvenience though no fault of his own.
He's the type who always focus on positive because he genuinely believes that he'd feel closer to God this way.

A faithful heart is a grateful heart.

"Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this period will enable me to spend more time with my ageing parents," he said.

 There's a vending machine in my residential area.
I saw that there's money remaining in the system.
The person before me must have not realised that there's balance in their purchase.
The amount was enough for me to select this chocolate to be pushed out to the slot.
Yippee! Free chocolate!
Just the right reward for my efforts to have exercised this morning.

My mood was so motivated that I was prompted to shop for a pair of running shoes.
I have avoided being in large crowds for months.
I surprised myself by purchasing a pair in the busiest mall in the city.
The last time I bought a pair was in 2013.
I was fortunate to be assisted by a helpful Sports-Wear staff who recommended this.

Gratitude: Housemate made baked macaroni.
Yum ! Free food again!

Wow... I'm editing my blog till 9pm *glancing at the clock.

I shudder to think of my condition just 7 days ago, where I had just hurt myself.

I was lying comatose in bed.

***shudder

Covid 19 has affected many. This poor Ice-cream seller depends on sales outside school after dismissal time. With all schools shut down, life is hard on him.
(Thursday )-I decided to go down to buy some to support him. He charged me more than the usual market rate, but I guess I shouldn't mind it.
I was quite surprised that he's actually a foreigner, from Bangladesh maybe.
I've always admired these courageous foreign workers who risked so much to come to an unfamiliar land to make a living.

(Friday). I felt my day had improved since I ate his ice-creams yesterday, I decided to buy from him again today

Today - my day did improve. I actually woke up early today and exercised. Even made my favourite

local delicacy - lepat pisang.

As I was walking towards the communal trash site, I noticed a man in his fifties walking away uncomfortably.
He walked towards his car.
An elderly Toyota.
It would still look reasonable had he taken care of its exterior.
The car was packed with folded carton boxes.

I threw my rubbish and turned around.
As I walked away, I noticed the same man walking back towards to site.
I realised he was avoiding me.

Sir, you don't have to be embarrassed.
You possess dignified courage to do what you do.
I'm sorry if the society had treated you to feel otherwise.

I finally went to this support group.
Among the discussion, one participant said that 'being alive today is a victory I'm proud of''.
 Many others nodded in agreement.
I had to voice out.
"I feel differently. I'm still here because I'm not allowed to go before clearing off my karma debt".

One of the participants reminded me of LK.
Her mannerism and facial features bear a resemblance.
I can't help but wonder the accuracy of face reading.

I wonder how are the people in my 'tribe' are doing.
Are they still alive? Coping well?

I was on the escalator going up.
I saw a familiar face. He was also on the escalator, going down.
Our eyes locked.
We had the same reaction.
Both of us smiled at each other.
But I can't pint point where I know him.
"Hei, mana kerja sekarang?"
"Hey, where are you working now?"
He named my old workplace.
Ahh...
We just waved at each other as we alight the escalator, from opposite directions.

What a pleasant 5 seconds.

 Aidil Adha.

 "Aren't you afraid? Standing so close to the sacrificial slaughtering site?"
"No way!"
After the deed was done, he sheepishly wiped his eyes with his right arm.
"You crying?"
He gave a firm nod, without turning around. 

On my first outing with friends since my depression- hibernation.
She hugged me and whispered, "So good to see you alright."
My body shivered.
My eyes glistened.

I was very close to the borderline.

About two weeks ago, after months of self-imposed home imprisonment; I went out.
I went window shopping in a big bookstore.
I heard a man speaking very loudly.
"You know how many people in Malaysia uses a dictionary?"
When the other sentences seemed incoherent, I turned to look for the source of this noise.

It was a tall Asian man in his 40s.
He was talking to himself.
No one was with him.

My heart ached.
Oh no.
Another one.
Another one of us.
He looked quite well physically, handsome even.
If not for his behaviour, and his odd choice of clothes; he'd passed as just another ordinary dude next door.

I dare not look at him.
I was scared.

It could have been me.
It still could...
It really could.

My shame twisted my heart as I stole another glance of him.
Will he be ok?
Will I be ok?
Will we be ok?

I watched The Avengers : Infinity War
Twice.
It was really good.

I gush each time Ironman transforms.
Each time.

The movie was so good that I'm backtracking to the previously screened Marvel movies, eg, Black Panther, Dr Strange, Winter Soldier etc.

Perhaps I could make movie-watching as personal rewards? Little goals in life, something to look forward to?

I went jalan jalan. (shopping stroll).
As I was munching my McFillet, I noticed a man (40s) rocking back and forth on the bench with an elderly woman whom I presumed to be his mother.
The man was eating a cone of ice-cream and he was poking his face with the other arm repetitively.

It was so eeriely familiar.
Back in 2005-2006 I was rocking myself like that too whenever I sat down.
I think it was the side effects of the medication.
It messed up the nerves in the head.

An elderly man whom I presumed it's the father joined them and they left the bench.
The father held his hand like how we would hold on to a child's.
I wonder if he'd have any chance of a more independent lifestyle in near future.
I felt so sad.

I went to Ikea and was welcomed by a very jovial middle-aged Indian lady.
Her smile and soothing voice delighted me immediately.
Her approach was so friendly that I was prompted to ask about the membership program.
She was so helpful that I signed up immediately.

You know, back in my school days, I would have told you that my ambition is to be this and that, the usual stuff that defines the materialistic success, big salary, big car, big house etc.
But now, I can tell you wholeheartedly that I want to be like that Ikea lady.
Someone who is genuinely content and takes pride in her work.
You can't fake that kind of serene joy.

I used to tell people that my retirement ambition is to sell newspaper at night. (The Chinese press has evening papers which has a strong readership).
The hours are short and flexible.
It'd be a great way to earn side income while waiting for bedtime (this is a scenario for years later).
Also, newspaper has a way of keeping me excited all the time.
Friends would tease me, "You can do it right now! Why wait?"
I'd just smile of course, as it's not financially viable now.
That's why it's a 'retirement' plan.

You see, if I can be selling newspaper in the evening, it would mean that I'd still have my health despite my old age.
And I'd have enough money NOT to work full-time but just for 3 hours a day.
It'd be a great way to kill time and I'd have something to look forward to everyday.
More importantly, I would have matured to a point where I'm not even bothered should there be any acquaintances who might degrade and gossip maliciously just coz (American slang).
I should be so proud if I can rise above and do that.

Hence, it'd be a great personal success if I can do that when I'm old.

I had just entered the basement parking of a shopping complex when I saw a lady shopper approaching her car.
Her car was parked at a premier parking location - just in front of the entrance.
Secondary only to the disabled car parks.
My car was just in front of hers.
But my car position wasn't right and there was a car behind me so I couldn't reverse.
It's obvious that it's the car behind me who would be the lucky one.
I lamented at my loss.

I parked my car about 50 metres away.
As I was stepping into the entrance of the shopping complex, I saw a man with his grown son (I presume) on a wheel chair. They were the ones who got that lucky parking.
The father closed his car door and I realised that it must have taken him awhile to help his son alight from the car.

I'm glad I missed that parking.
I would not want to deprive this father-son of such convenient parking.
This is definitely one of those "Everything just falls into the right places" moment.

The masseuse massaged the center of my neck, "Aiyo miss, how come your muscle here so stiff? Young lady like you shouldn't have such stiff muscles."
"Are you very stressed?"

She isn't the first masseuse to say so.
I had another who pointed out that my stiffness is a ''storage of the negative emotions that I carry''.
She even made me realised that my lymph nodes between my chest and armpits are unnaturally swollen.
"Do you get anxious easily?"

Although usually I rather enjoy this 'me' time silently resting, sometimes I open up to them too.
And they would cheer me up with positive comments.

These sessions are very therapeutic.

I went shopping with ShW and her 90-year-old granny during last month's CNY.

We used the shopping complex's facility, this little scooter designed for the immobile.

 This is her granny. The time spent with them was the only time I didn't cry during CNY. Must have meant something.

was absolutely amused by the name.

bought it, ate it.

lol. 

I ate my Dark Shadow.