I wasn't careful last week.

I allowed myself to spiral down again.

I feel like an unrepentant addict.

My last fall was in June, less than 3 months ago.

I missed 8 days of work.

This can't do.

My job will be affected.

As usual, I was suicidal.

I came across Leslie Cheung's funeral Youtube video while browsing.

I cried when I saw so many people went to pay their respects.

Devotion by his fans and friends of the entertainment industry was obvious.

All that love, fame and fortune couldn't save him.

His last words, "I have never harmed anyone in my life, why this suffering?"

I cried.

*****************

Two days ago : My housemate tilted her head, hesitating to speak. She looked slightly scared of the words she was about to speak. Her expression worried me.

"Are you ok? Are you sick?" she asked.

" You scared me, you look like there's a ghost behind me!" I replied.

I tried to brighten up the conversation by changing the subject.

Her expression made it clearer what a mess I'm in.

And again, I got better.

It's when I begin to care about the taste in food again, when the dirt on the floor becomes unbearable, and when I laugh again.

You'll never forget your first laugh after a depression drought.

And then, the desire to write comes.

That's when I know.

Mulan was also another unexpected good movie.

When employed correctly, 4 ounces can move 1000 pounds. -Mulan

Some say the phoenix is consumed by flame and emerges again.

There is no courage without fear. -Zhou

The Farewell : A moving story about how fearful the family was of letting the Grandma know that the doctor diagnose that she has only 3 months to live. The ending was a surprise to me. 

The Grandma character whom it was based on, continued to live till this day, 6 years after the diagnosis.

 

Watched At Cafe 6 by accident.

This movie plot had an unexpected twist in the ending.

I had the inkling very early though.

The moment he stood his best friend up, 

I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.

The moment he asked his ex the question and cried but pretended to be ok with the response.

I knew he had made a resolute decision.

The moment he started recounting his regrets, I knew.

I knew.

Oh no, his decision is a tragic one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this eerily strong sense of familiarity.

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

 at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,  

James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.

And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination. 

It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama

I just love these stories that are told in the movie.

1.The boy who fed on nightmares.

"All my bad memories are gone. But why can't I be happy?"

"Hurtful painful memories, memories of deep regret,

Memories of hurting others, of being hurt, 

of being abandoned,

Only those with such memories buried in their hearts

become stronger, more compassionate.

and emotionally resilient.

And only these people can feel true happiness.

Remember it all and live despite of it.

If not, you will always be the kid whose emotional soul never grows.

2.The cheerful Dog.

 During the day, while people are out and about, he is always so cheerful and vibrant! 

Come nightfall, he ends up crying and whining, wishing to run free and play in the field. 

A voice within him says: “Why not cut the leash and go enjoy?” 

At that moment, the dog realized that he doesn’t know how to escape his leash because he’s been so used to being tied to the tree, and he simply does not know what to do anymore.

3. The Masked boy, Empty-Can girl and Boxed boy search for their real faces all their life.

The Shadow witch actually hadn't stolen their faces, but their courage to find true happiness for themselves.

1.was watching NHK's Invisible Homeless: People Living in Cars 
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,

"Tonight, do you wonder if there are any invisible homeless people near you?"

2.in the Korean drama -It's ok not to be ok, Gang Tae was comforting a patient in a psychiatric ward. The issue that had burdened the patient's emotional and mental health for so many years, had resurfaced. 

She was bawling.

The camera pan out the adult patient's character and pan in into the same patient who is now the little girl she was when the abuse happened. 

The director was graphically astute in describing the patient's feeling to the audience.

After all these years, she's still that little girl who is still hurting.

My tears inevitably trickled.

Quote from the program, "Delicious food heals the soul from emotional problems," the local social influencer Pa Tue said.
"I'd rather be fat eating food than taking medication," he continued to laugh.

Korean movie - Fashion King.
This fashion guru taught the protagonist -

"Swagger is the only defence the poor has against the rich"

 Beast Clawing in Straws - wish I knew what this title means. This story reminded me of the Hong Kong's 2011 movie - Life without Principle. How in the end, the money went to the most honest and diligent characters.

 The mother consoled the son, as their home was burning down. "Don't cry. During the Korean War, the entire country looked like this. As long as we are alive, there's always hope."

Taxi Driver had a terrible poster artist, unmatching the volume of the movie.

 

I'm most impressed with small, side character like this actor Soo-Jang Baek plays. Seemingly insignificant, but it's the pivotal spark that changes the course of story. He appeared in Queen of Crime(above)too.

"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future" J.R.R. Tolkien.

 Juror 8
A very moving movie about how everyday people can influence one another, regardless of status and background.

The Priest.

Secret Reunion

"Swing Kids" - great movie.
What is the use of ideologies if it damages more than its goodness it preaches?

Wow.

The director of this film  A BAREFOOT DREAM said, "what I wanted to convey was hope, and to see children nourishing their dreams and trying their best to obtain that dream was important.  Especially for the jaded forty-something, middle aged group – people like me!

– I wanted to give them something hopeful.  My friends around me, my generation, they appear to me to have lost all hope and I made this for them."

Nice.

"We All Lie"

(from "SKY Castle" soundtrack)

We all lie

Tell you the truth

Sometimes we laugh and easily lie

Alright, it's a... it's faker

Shout it out

What you want for the world

Money, honor, beauty

Everything you want

Play with a mask to hide the truth

People cheat each other, right?

Is this really true?

I've just watched HBO Red Channel's 'My husband has got depression'.

A Japanese film that depicts the mental illness very well.

Worth rewatching.

Been watching Netflix again,

"Live"

Their theme song "Carry Me" feels very close in proximity.

When you know it's not okay

and you know you're not to blame

Look inside your mind and try to find

this heart of mine

And you know it's just a dream

one you wished you'd never seen

Open up your eyes, it's still dark outside

Alone again tonight

You got the smile I wanna see

You got the heart to carry me

You got the smile I wanna see

You got the heart to carry me

And you try but it's too much

And hurting yourself is not enough

Think of everyone who has it worse than you

There is no curse on you

Think of everyone who has it worse than you

There is no curse on you

Won't you realize it's not that bad

And a chance to love is all you ever have

Tell him…

In After Life, Anne advised Tony,

"You are a good person. So, naturally, the things that you do are good.

You make the world a better place by just living."

On Children, the mother said, "Love yourself. There is always a way."

Grey's Anatomy Season 14 Episode 17

Dr.Kepner.
You really think I can't tell when someone's in pain, too?
listen, listen, the Talmud says if someone is sick or in need and you can take away 1/60th of their pain, then that's goodness. That's God.

You can't take away a 60th of something if you don't know what it is.

It is exactly my job, and I prefer to do it till the bitter end.
Come on.
You're not gonna deny a dying man's wish?
I've held enough dying men's hands in my career.
I know it's mine this time.

What's that saying? "If If I'm not for myself, who will be for me?"

- Well, I am taking care of myself, for once.

Oh, and you realize that that phrase is not an invitation for narcissism, right?
You know, it's human nature.
You face enough hardship, then you can't help but think that you're being punished, that you did something to deserve it.

I did nothing to deserve Okay.

My whole life, I followed His rules.

I studied, I believed, I practiced what I preached.

I did every single thing He asked of me.

And that guarantees you what? Excuse me? Well, where where where is the guarantee? In the sequel? 'Cause, I have to admit, I'm not as up on that as I used to be.

- No, no, where where is it written exactly that if you do this or that, that everything in your life's gonna be good, hmm? Nowhere, in any faith, is there a guarantee.
Was it fair when Isaac went blind and then his child betrayed him? And where was the fairness when Sara had to wait 99 years before she had a child, and God said, "Sacrifice him"? And Moses couldn't even get past the bouncer to the Promised Land.
And like I said, I'm not up on the sequel, but from what I hear, Jesus got a raw deal.
 Nobody in the Bible lived a life free of suffering or injustice, or it wouldn't have been a best seller.
And if they lived lives like that, why should ours be different?
Now, if people only believed in God when things were good, I guarantee you, after the Holocaust, not a single Jew would be a believer.

Faith wouldn't be real faith if you only believe when things are good.
Well, so, what? The world is just cruel and random, and there's nothing anyone can do about it? Look, I don't have a lot of time here.
Do you mind if I just skip to the part where I pretend I don't know what to tell you? I'm just gonna tell you, okay? - Okay.
You sound like a child.
Terrible things happen.
Terrible, wonderful, devastating things happen.
Who the hell are you to know why? Who are you to know why some people live and some people die?

Children die.

Children who didn't do anything wrong, children who were broken before they had a chance to be whole, who were climbing in their own front windows.

Right.
And you don't get to know why any more than than I get to know why I'm dying from taking a pill that saves lives, that saves nearly everyone's life but it's killing me.
So you can either believe in God and goodness, or you can believe it's pointless, it's cruel, and it's random whatever makes you happier.
Are you? Happy?

It's not narcissism.

It's Pain.

Unimaginable pain.

Yeah, I know the feeling.
God's not indifferent to our pain.
Listen, tikkun olam.
Tikkun olam means that the world is full of brokenness and it's our job to put it back together again.
It assumes that the world is, uh, broken and in need and in pain.
And it's our job to fix f-fix it.

Read more: https://www.springfieldspringfield.co.uk/view_episode_scripts.php?tv-show=greys-anatomy&episode=s14e17

I came across this movie while browsing online.

NY Times Movie Review

Glória Pires stars as Dr. Nise da Silveira (1905-1999), who as the film opens is taking up a post at a psychiatric hospital near Rio de Janeiro in 1944. She settles into a seat in a lecture hall where the benefits of lobotomies via thin spike are being extolled, then witnesses a cruel demonstration of another favorite technique, electroshock therapy.

“I don’t believe in healing through violence,” she tells colleagues, but, especially since she is a woman, they are dismissive. They assign her to what they think is busywork.

She transforms the insult into opportunity, creating a unit in which patients who had been written off are given a chance to express themselves through painting and other art forms. The results are startling.
The movie, full of characters behaving erratically, could easily have taken on the aura of a freak show, but the director, Roberto Berliner, somehow stays respectful of the subject matter even while depicting extreme psychiatric conditions. It’s a study of courageous innovation against an entrenched medical orthodoxy.

“Our job is to cure patients, not comfort them,” one colleague chastises.

“My instrument is a brush,” Dr. Silveira replies curtly. “Yours is an ice pick.”

By Neil Genzlinger

I watched The Avengers : Infinity War
Twice.
It was really good.

I gush each time Ironman transforms.
Each time.

The movie was so good that I'm backtracking to the previously screened Marvel movies, eg, Black Panther, Dr Strange, Winter Soldier etc.

Perhaps I could make movie-watching as personal rewards? Little goals in life, something to look forward to?

Christmas at Batu Ferringhi BnB

Cosme McMoon : I am a serious pianist. I have ambitions.
St Clair Bayfield: Oh, you think I didn't have ambitions? I was a good actor. But I was never to be a great actor. It was very very hard to admit that to myself. But once I had, I felt free of the tyranny of ambition. I started to live.
Is not ours a happy world, Cosme? Do we not have fun?
Cosme McMoon: Please, Mr. Bayfield.
St Clair Bayfield: You see we have to help her, because without loyalty there’s nothing.
Cosme McMoon: We’ll be murdered out there!
St Clair Bayfield: And you think I’m not aware of that? For twenty-five years I’ve kept the mockers and scoffers at bay. I’m very well aware of what they might do, but Florence has been my life, I love her, and I think you love her too. Hm? Singing at Carnegie Hall is her dream and I’m going to give it to her. The only question now is whether you will stand by your patron and friend in her hour of need, or whether you will focus on your ambition?
[Cosme doesn’t reply]
St Clair Bayfield: Please, Cosme. Will you play for your friend?

From the movie Florence Foster Jenkins.