"Wow, you made this? It looks like a decorative cake !", I commented, as I stared, impressed with the kids' work.

As I continued with my work minutes later, I noticed 2 young girls hovering beside me.

I turned to see this.

I wasn't careful last week.

I allowed myself to spiral down again.

I feel like an unrepentant addict.

My last fall was in June, less than 3 months ago.

I missed 8 days of work.

This can't do.

My job will be affected.

As usual, I was suicidal.

I came across Leslie Cheung's funeral Youtube video while browsing.

I cried when I saw so many people went to pay their respects.

Devotion by his fans and friends of the entertainment industry was obvious.

All that love, fame and fortune couldn't save him.

His last words, "I have never harmed anyone in my life, why this suffering?"

I cried.

*****************

Two days ago : My housemate tilted her head, hesitating to speak. She looked slightly scared of the words she was about to speak. Her expression worried me.

"Are you ok? Are you sick?" she asked.

" You scared me, you look like there's a ghost behind me!" I replied.

I tried to brighten up the conversation by changing the subject.

Her expression made it clearer what a mess I'm in.

And again, I got better.

It's when I begin to care about the taste in food again, when the dirt on the floor becomes unbearable, and when I laugh again.

You'll never forget your first laugh after a depression drought.

And then, the desire to write comes.

That's when I know.

Mulan was also another unexpected good movie.

When employed correctly, 4 ounces can move 1000 pounds. -Mulan

Some say the phoenix is consumed by flame and emerges again.

There is no courage without fear. -Zhou

The Farewell : A moving story about how fearful the family was of letting the Grandma know that the doctor diagnose that she has only 3 months to live. The ending was a surprise to me. 

The Grandma character whom it was based on, continued to live till this day, 6 years after the diagnosis.

Was happy to hear that Raym 's contract has been renewed.
Boss decided to adjust his employment terms so that he's able to cope.
Boss is indeed compassionate.

The cleaner who was I was quite close to, suffered a stroke.
A week ago, she had complained about headaches and lethargy.
I gently advised her to rest more and not work the extra shifts.
She even regularly took side jobs as a masseuse.
I hope she gets well soon.

I like this photo.

So sorry to see her go.........bye Fira

There was a group of little children playing hide and seek in the playground of the apartment.
A little toddler caught my eye.
She doesn't know what's going on but she's happy that her siblings were so excited and that she's also part of the game.
The way the toddler looked at her older sister was priceless.
An unfathomable but trusting joy...

I learnt that Raym is leaving the company.
"I've been made redundant," he so honestly put it.
I felt so bad for him.
He is the type of man who'd tell you how blessed he was to be given a lift home,
 instead of how someone had knocked his car by accident, causing him terrible inconvenience though no fault of his own.
He's the type who always focus on positive because he genuinely believes that he'd feel closer to God this way.

A faithful heart is a grateful heart.

"Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this period will enable me to spend more time with my ageing parents," he said.

With my eyes still fixed to the computer screen, I reached out my hand, ready to take the book from a student.
The soft-touch surprised my palm.
I turned to look.

The little girl held my hand.
She thought that I reached out my hand for hers !
She didn't realised I wanted her book.
So endearing !
The innocence, the purity... such bliss.

"Tell her that if she doesn't want it, she can always return it !"
The poor messenger was surprised at my instruction.
.......................

"Oh, you ARE talking to me? I was wondering who you were talking to."
(insinuating her rudeness)
"I did call your name." (weak attempt to save face as we now have an audience)
"Did you?" (my intonation emphasized otherwise)
She continued her enquiry.
"Email! cc (name of her boss)!" I answered, talking to the back of her head before I could finish.

That's right, biatch.
New term, new attitude.

I need to care more about my own feelings than fearing narcissistic bullies like this.
**middle finger**

I'm both worried and impressed. Below are writings of an 8-year-old.

My parents are always saying that the world doesn’t revolve around me but sometimes I wonder if it actually does. 

When I was a little kid, I saw that movie about a man whose whole life is secretly being filmed for a tv show. This guy is famous all over the world, but he doesn’t know it!

Well, ever since I saw that movie, I’ve kind of figured out that the same thing is probably happening to me!

At first, I was annoyed that my life was being broadcast without my permission, but I realised that if millions of people are tuning in every day to see what I’m up to, that’s actually kind of cool!

Sometimes I worry that my life is too boring to be its own television show so I try to do something entertaining every now and then, to give the people who are watching a good chuckle.

I also try to let my audience know that I’m in on the secret. If it’s live, then there’s gotta be commercial breaks. I figure they must run the ads where I’m in the bathroom. So, I always make a big entrance after I finish up in there.

Sometimes I wonder how much of my life is rigged and how much is real because half the things that happened to me seem so ridiculous! 

Every once in a while I wonder if the people in my life are who they seem to be or if they’re really actors. If they are actors, I hope the kid who plays my friend Rawley gets an award because he’s doing a great job pretending to be a doofus. And if my brother Rodrick is actually just some guy getting paid to act like a jerk. But if my parents are actors, then that’s just wrong. I’ve made a lot of Mother’s and Father’s Day cards over the years. If this is all a show, then I deserve to get paid for my time and effort.

And speaking of getting paid, I’ll bet my real parents are set for life, thanks to me!

But I’m doing everything I can to make sure I can cash in later. In most TV shows, the main character has a catchphrase that they say at least once per episode. So, I’ve come up with one on my own, and I drop it into my conversation every once in a while.

Today is the 1st day of school for the returning students.
1st day in the new building for all of us.
The fresh smell of paint invites both excitement and anxiety for us, the staff, torn between the workload and the new hopeful.
But the faces of the students remind us all why we are doing this.
We are all smiling in endearment.

The younger ones are so cute.
All of the adults, watched in amusement when the little ones entered their new classrooms, for the first time.
"There's some sort of magic in this moment," I thought.

It was a different atmosphere in the admissions office.
A young boy is crying, not wanting to take the placement test.
"Oh dear, he must have had a bad experience," I thought.
His mother tried to console him, feeling quite exasperated herself, " Mummy work so hard so that you can study in a good place !"

My heart was heavy for both the boy and mummy.

end
********************************
Happiness....

I need to remember that there are still goodness in my life...

I heard the sad news that you might be leaving .While I do not know the reasons for this, I would just like you to know that Kamilah adores you, and will miss you terribly. Your encouragement and your kind words about her booklet made her feel really good about her abilities, and she told me after,  that she wanted to continue to write. You have made a positive impact, and I just wanted to thank you. I truly appreciate all that you have done. And I wish you the very best in your future undertakings. Know that you will always have my support. Thank you.

From my comrade's blog.

一定要好好工作，
不管情绪怎么样，工作时间都要咬紧牙根撑过去。
能有一份工作算是非常幸运，不会去在乎薪金和人事问题.

I must work hard, no matter how I feel, I must endure it all.
I am very lucky to have a job.
I would not be bothered about salary and conflicts among colleagues
.

I was given a written test.

My best friend.

My best friend? I chuckled inwardly.

Who to write?

Here goes.

I met up with ShW.
She is facing some problems with her work situation.
Her boss gave her the 2nd written warning letter due to poor work appraisal.
She was also not eligible to receive this year's bonus.
Fortunately, she has found a new workplace.

Still, she felt bad.
I tried very hard to let her know how much I admire her.
"You went to work EVERYDAY, despite having the Darkness pulling you down.
It's no simple feat. I can imagine the effort to overcome the difficulty.
I really look up to you."

She just gave a weary thin smile.

"I can't afford another meltdown"
 - a self-warning to be careful as NOT to slip again.
I say this each time I seem to be recovering, seem to be getting back on my feet.
Each time I start a new job, when all seems so hopeful.

Yet, I still fall.

And when I'm down again in my darkest hole, the thought of giving all up, "I can't do this again" will be on replay.

And yet, here I am.
I'm still here.

I will climb back up again.
I will fall again.
I can do this.

Again.

Since my return from Penang, I have received some comments that I look much better (in positive spirits) compared to the last time they saw me.
A close friend, a TCM physician, and a GP.
These are people who had been seeing me on off basis for years.
Their discerning observation carries substantial weight.

Well,...
I am currently contentedly happy.
Fearfully happy.
That's right.
Fearfully.

Happiness isn't something that stays with me.
And believe me, my requirements to consider myself happy, are very low.
Employed, no dark monsters , not wanting to die, sleep and eat reasonably well, and sufficient social contact are my checklist for happiness.

New job again.
Damn scared.

  How many times can we press the 'reset' button in our lives?
How many times can we 'start all over'?

Tomorrow is my first day of work.
Oh please Lord, let this last.

I'm currently working part-time in a daycare centre.

I truly feel sorry for the children who has endless account of marathon homework.

They have to 'steal' time to play with each other, in between the slots of the clogged up time-table.

To my amusement, I found one of the boys playing the role of a game master in his made up game.

See how he has meticulously profiled his characters and weapons. 

 The different levels of each item.

 The battlefield.

 I don't really get this, but the idea originates from cheque books.

 The different levels that the players must pass. The game master created an envelope on the left side. I asked him what is it for. "I don't know, just thought I need one."

One of the boys saw that I was taking pictures and he brought his own game book to show me.

 The many choices of weapons.

The imagined battle was created.

I seriously feel that children should be given more time to play.
The games drawn look like a potential foundation thinking board of an 8-year-old boy on his way to creating his own software, or any groundbreaking invention.

When dealt with a hand of bad cards, many of us don't expect to 'win' the game, but we play the best we can.
Losing as little as possible, making the opponent win as little as possible, is considered a form of victory too, in many competitive games.
Hence, there is one painful fact that I must admit.
Though I have been dealt a set of really bad playing cards, I have played the 'game' really badly.
Many people get bad cards, even worse, horrific cards.
A majority of people do, we see it everyday in the news.
Eg, everyday we read about the refugees risking their lives to cross the border for the unknown.
The warrior spirit in them pushes for them to do the best they can.
They do what they can for the day, fueled only with courage and hope, and perhaps even desperation.
They really put me to shame.

These unemployment days have given me time to retrospect myself.
I have played the 'game' really badly.
Having a set of bad cards is still no excuse.
Bad decisions, one after another.
I let the darkness 'win' so many times.
Repetitive mistakes.
The shame is inevitable.
It's not self-pity, more like self-exam.
And the results is undeniable.
I know it's not my fault that I have this terrible disease, but I really could have played my cards better.
My employability chances will diminish as I age .
I really must do better.
I've got to keep on trying.
It's the only way.

Below is a photo I got from FB that illustrates someone who is playing her cards really well. Too bad I have no idea what's her name.

Copy and paste of previous online chats. -
Me : I really feel stagnant. Not that I want to feel sorry for myself... but things does seem futile for me.. I really hope to find that little corner on this earth where I don't feel this useless.
Friend : I'm proud u tried. It's huge!
And u gotta keep on trying. That's the only way to go
Me : it's kinda comforting that i'm surrounded by ppl who continue to have my back, despite my poor track record . It's because of my church friend and housemate that I have these 2 job interviews, at first i was hesitant.... but now kinda desperate... i have no other interview invites..
Friend: I've told u this before and I'd say it again... Its bcoz ppl are not done with u,  so u gotta keep trying too, k: Yeah also gotta be practical,  get a job and stay at it. Following through is the most important but hardest part.