I tried to commit suicide today.

I took the ladder, a long pants and climbed.

Unfortunately, the mirror on the wall collapsed.

Mother and sister came running.

They offer no comforting words, but rather annoyed at the mess I've made.

The fall scratched my right calf quite badly.

The suicidal ideation is still strong.

 The anxiety and panic attacks have worsened for the past few days.

So bad, that my sister and mother say that they can't bear looking at me.

"I can't look at your face!", visibly disturbed by my prolonged worried expression.

They know I can't help it but they are too burdened to offer words of comfort.

Last Monday, we picked Father up from the hospital.

What a relief that he can walk.

What a scare!

This morning, Father asked me to turn on the 8 o'clock news.

Father has the habit of watching the 8 o'clock night news. 

"Pa, do you think it's night time or day time?", pointing the bright sunshine outside.

"Yes, but it will be dark soon, why isn't dinner ready yet? Can you go tapau?" 

I couldn't handle this in addition to my anxiety.

I cried.

 Another dream crushed.

I moved into D2-407 with such dreamy aspirations.

I had bought so many many things for my new home.

It's now even an address which I can easily recall.

But now, all is irrelevant.

It is now my ex-home.

The moment I'm at the door, I see the doormat which I had bought.

The door bell, the shoe rack, the table, chairs, fan, space divider, ladder, screen shield at the window, the clock, the rack, the air fryer, stove, slow cooker, clock, even just the rubbish bin bags mean something to me.

I bought all these things for my home, for me to be comfortable in my home.

I now no longer have my own home.

On a different note, my housemate T, all of a sudden has turned very nasty towards me.

It all changed when she took over to be the main tenant.

A person's character is best seen in times of adversity.

Makes me wonder what had I been seeing for the previous months.

An illusion at best.

My landlord handled it very maturely.

He even comforted me by saying he hoped to rent out to me again.

Such good businessman.

 I've been feeling very anxious and restless lately.

So bad, that I can sense that I'm being a threat to myself.

I went back to my parents' home.

The presence of others help dilute the darkness.

The distraction helps.

Even an unharmonious environment beats the cold dark lonely self-harming thoughts.

Today is my 5th day home.

Anxiety still lingers.

But at least the darkness isn't as horrific.

I had to explain to my boss that I'd take a pay cut in lieu of the current responsibilities.

She was understandably perturbed.

All of a sudden, I told my landlord my decision of moving back home.

I'm still very fearful of this decision.

My current worries seems to be burdening me, so much that even the dentist (I went for treatment) asked me, "Are you worried about the procedure?".

I just answered, "Yes" as to not lead to more questions.

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

Have been really depressed for days.
Stayed on the bed till 3pm, getting up only for water and toilet.
Wishing for death.
I reread my blog posts.
I've been fighting this for so long.
I haven't earned my points for the finishing line yet?

They distorted my reality.
The very people who were supposed to help interpret the world to me.
To protect me.
To love me.

They distorted my logic.
That's why I could never make an outsider understand the things they did to me.
It is illogical.
It's easier to understand that the fault is with me.
They made up lies so convincing that even I couldn't believe my own truth.

They distorted my truth.
It was a Youtube explanation of the toxicity narcissistic personality that had finally set me free.
I was the victim of such evil.
It felt like I finally have a witness in court to testify on my side.
That I wasn't crazy.
That Crazy was put unto me.

A Youtuber's explanation has set me free.

But I'm very wounded.
The wounds are deep.
Never mind the scars.
The dark memories creep up to me so easily that I have to switch on Tv Dramas every night to lullaby me to sleep.
Without the Tv Drama conversations, my mind would drift easily to the dark memories.

They distorted my reality.
They took away my logic.
After 38 years, I'm finally learning to believe my own truth.

And that it wasn't my fault.

Earlier this afternoon, I thought I'd do something nice for my father, after learning that he hasn't had his lunch. (we don't live together)
I ordered food delivery service for him.
His favourite - Bak Kut Teh.

Later, I called him again to check the order, "Was it as advertised?"
He said all is fine.
But he asked me about the relief money that the government is giving out.
Turns out, my mother had accused me of taking the "Household"s money. (they live together)

This accusation is so insane that I don't even know how to explain it here.
I'll try.
Like the rest of the world affected by CoVid, the country's government is helping its citizens by offering monetary funds.
Citizens can apply for these funds by households - meaning the main income earner is entitled to some money.

Yup, this is the money my mother is accusing me of.

Again, this accusation is so INSANE that I already feel sucked into my mother's delusional bitterness even trying to explain that it is absolutely NOT plausible for me to apply for the "household''.

I hung up the phone hours ago.
I have long known that my mother is one crazy, narcissistic woman who isn't even capable of loving her own children.
So, why am I still being affected?

I guess it stirred up all the traumatic memories of her abuse towards me all these years.
And how my father and siblings enabled her.
How they gaslighted and manipulated and made me a convenient scapegoat for all their miseries.
All that abuse that resulted in my several breakdowns.
Oh God, the amount of therapy I need to reorganise my life.

My father wasn't always good to me, but I still want to be kind to him especially now that he's vulnerable.
Just one kind thought.
I had a terrible afternoon, because of ONE kind thought.
One kind thought to have my father's favourite lunch delivered to him, knowing that nobody else in the house would bother with him.
I give food to strangers all the time, why not to my own father?

Inhale.
Exhale.
It really doesn't pay to be kind sometimes.

Screw this shit.
I'm going out to buy a VERY NICE meal for MYSELF.
I Godammn deserve it.
******* update
I called home on 21st May to remind Father of his appointment the next day.
Same shit happened again.
Mother insisted I return the money she had imagined.
Brother fed her some lies.
I told him I've had enough of this shit.
I'm done being the scapegoat.
Screw all you.

I have no recollection of the events below.
Even reading my own handwritten words doesn't make it any more 'real' to me.

I found these notes in deeply buried in my old magazines.

2004,  May 07   - Sitting here in the KTM station, anticipating a good time with Mel. My crazy mother hid the car keys. Mother's Day is approaching and I have no reason to celebrate at all. Yesterday she called 姨妈 Aunty and complained to her in my presence. I tried to snatch the phone but Mother hit me. I should feel comfortable hating her.

Today's first day of work in the kindergarten brought back many memories of my unhappy childhood. The confusion and constant fear. I never knew where I stood in society.

***********************

I wrote the above on route visit to my friend's hometown in Ipoh.

I finally have my own place.
I have finally detached myself from the toxicity of my family both

physically, mentally and emotionally.

You know that scene in "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams kept repeating to Matt Damon, "It's not your fault..."

I'm finally allowing myself to agree with that statement.

It's time to heal...

I'm healing.

Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility

By Brianna Wiest

What happened to you was not your fault.

It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.

What happened to you was not fair.

You were merely collateral damage on someone else’s warpath, an innocent bystander who got wrecked out of proximity.

We are all traumatized by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter the source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.

Healing is our responsibility because if it isn’t, an unfair circumstance becomes an unlived life.

Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us, and we are not going to allow what someone else did to us to become what we do to those we love.

Healing is our responsibility because we have this one life, this single shot to do something important.

Healing is our responsibility because if we want our lives to be different, sitting and waiting for someone else to make them so will not actually change them. It will only make us dependent and bitter.

Healing is our responsibility because “healing” is actually not returning to how and who we were before, it is becoming someone we have never been — someone stronger, someone wiser, someone kinder.

When we heal, we step into the people we have always wanted to be. We are not only able to metabolize the pain, we are able to affect real change in our lives, in our families, and in our communities. We are able to pursue our dreams more freely. We are able to handle whatever life throws at us, because we are self-efficient and assured. We are more willing to dare, risk, and dream of broader horizons, ones we never thought we’d reach.

The thing is that when someone else does something wrong and it affects us, we often sit around waiting for them to take the pain away, as though they could come along and undo what has been done.

We fail to realize that in that hurt are the most important lessons of our lives, the fertile breeding ground upon which we can start to build everything we really want.

We are not meant to get through life unscathed.

We are not meant to get to the finish line unscarred, clean and bored.

Life hurts us all in different ways, but it is how we respond — and who we become — that determines whether a trauma becomes a tragedy, or the beginning of the story of how the victim became the hero.

By Brianna Wiest

I've not been writing for ages.
I checked my journal, gosh ! a year ?
So much has happened, surely it's worth journaling?
I must start developing a good writing habit.
After all, I ALWAYS surprise myself with my writings.
I need to write.

*******************************************************
Last Christmas, a group of Christian friends came to the house to carol.
I gulped my emotions when they greeted me.
Such a thoughtful gesture of them to bless the house with this festive cheer.

Every time when I thought I was beaten down with the worldly weary,

 Goodness nonchalantly picks me up.

He looked at me helplessly.

My tears came flooding down. "Mao shi, mao shi" "It's ok, it's ok"

Is it time?

Each time I visit him, I feel sad, mixed with deep thoughts.

I can't help the shadows of resentment passing through my thoughts.

"How could my own family NOT feel the way I do now back when I was hospitalised?"

My father's reading glasses.

He had always enjoy reading news, perhaps the only common trait that we share.

The thickness of the dusts shows just how long it has been unused.

Had a really bad family argument.
I was accused of using money that isn't mine.
To put it bluntly, they accuse me of stealing.

In this episode, my brother hurt me deeply.
I have always made excuse for his bad behaviour.
But this time, he gaslighted me, accusing me of being rude on one occasion.

Anyway, this has happened before.
Too many times.
Hence, I do feel very suicidal.

I just want to die each time I think of my family.
How do I detach myself from this toxicity?

I was surprised when the TCM physician explained to me that he has only given me herbal relaxation ingredient in my Chinese medicinal herbs twice, once in April and another in May. The other medicinal herbs that were prescribed was for other physical illness.
I looked at him dumbfounded.
"Do you want me to prescribe those? I can if you do."
I pondered momentarily.
"Er, no."
Then what helped my mood for the past 3 months?
What was I doing right?
I rested my head on the wall while waiting for my chiropractic treatment.
I looked as if I had been handed bad news.
Seeing this TCM physician is one of the 2 news things I've done in the past 3 months.
If the reason of my recent better days are because of his herbs, it would be much easier.
If it's the other reason, it's not.
I have stopped contacting my family.
No phone calls, nothing.

I am reminded of what I had written back in June last year.

Family.
It makes up a big part of our identity.
It represents who we are.
But family isn't family anymore -
when situations always get out of hand;
when toxic feelings overwhelm simple logic;
when words are never kind but only to hurt;
when even the company of a stranger is more welcoming;
when survival instincts is to disassociate oneself from them.

Disassociation from such suffocation is as significant as air.
It is for survival.
It is not heartless.

I was looking for this post about my sis, but found more.
I would never have the courage to say these words to her face, because she will repeat it to the whole world where she's the blameless lamb, so I'm saying this here.

               You.      Piece.       Of.       Shit.

Dang. I still have to see her for CNY family reunion.
My friend Mn has arranged that I can stay in one of her homestay units for 2 days 3 nights before I get on my flight back to PG.

This afternoon, suddenly I realised I didn't want to sleep anymore.
I got up, bathe and went down to buy lunch.
I decided to buy some biscuits from the bakery too.
The cashier smiled at me, I smiled back.
Then, I thought, hey...I'm still capable of smiling.
I ate my KFC and watched Big Bang Theory.
I smiled again.

Earlier, I messaged my colleague
"I've been wondering if I should stay because I don't want history to repeat. I really feel that I have made a mistake to return. I have made *boss look bad

NXY: history is being created presently. And present circumstances have changed now. don't think too much. *boss trust you, have faith in yourself.
And not just her, we all believe that we can work together and make a good team
If you need time to chill, just take as much as it needed. and come back when you are ready.""

My housemates noticed that my mood has improved and started small talk with me. Sensing that I'm better, they asked what had been bothering me. They are sweet indeed.

I'm lucky.

I've got work to do but I really must type this down before I lose any of its inspiration.
My boss, the historian-author, took me and another staff out for lunch with her family.
Their family lineage is somewhat elite, hence communication was somewhat classy too.
You know, where the spoken English is the type you can put into writing.
It's like having a meal with modern day Malaysian Crawley family of Downton Abbey.

I really love the way her family interacted with each other.
So... harmoniously.
Yes, of course people tend to behave differently when there are outsiders, but some gestures of affection just can't be acted out.
Like all families, there were some quirks, disagreements and idiosyncrasies.
But they evaporated very quickly because their love and respect for each other was more potent.
And the children.
Wow, they exude confidence, spoke so eloquently and yet so patient and gentle with their grandma.
Epitome of an educated Asian family.

With my contrary upbringing, to witness this is so...precious.

I"m back home.
I wasn't looking forward to it at all that I had actually toyed with the idea of 'not' coming back for CNY.
"Let the tickets burn - both of from/return " , teased the mind.
But now that I'm here, it's not that horrific.

I received a text message from L.
She has been admitted to a daycare centre.
I am very sorry to hear that.

Met up with mother and sister.
Damn.
I knew it would be stressful but hadn't braced myself for such shitty outcome.
I came home crying.
Had to take a pill to chill, LITERALLY.

Woke up this morning with bloated eyes, a heavy heart and a cold soul.

I was early for work so I decided to stroll at the corner to see the old breakfast-delicacy-bakery run by a group of old people.
Honestly, their products don't suit my taste, and their are somewhat overpriced too.
But I always enjoy seeing them at work.
They are really old, but they have the enthusiasm of  5-year-olds.
They may move slowly, but their faces lit up immediately each time they interact with their customers, even when no purchases were made.
The presence of positive energy is unmistakable.

I bought this.

It was so good to see my cousin X again I've not seen him in more than 10 years.
X has a very charming and amiable personality.
I'm always in a better mood whenever he's around.

X had a very traumatising childhood.
However, he hardly brings it up.
It was through my mother that I know some details of his history.
By sheer grit, he overcame it all and is currently doing very well for himself.

I gave it some thought.
How did he managed to beat all of the odds?
I think...
despite all the physical, emotional abuse and neglect, he knew from the very beginning, he deserved better.
He never doubted his self-worth and he went on becoming the man he is today.