There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

An old acquaintance from the ward wrote this in his blog 
走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己，会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!

Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.

坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.

When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."

1.was watching NHK's Invisible Homeless: People Living in Cars 
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,

"Tonight, do you wonder if there are any invisible homeless people near you?"

2.in the Korean drama -It's ok not to be ok, Gang Tae was comforting a patient in a psychiatric ward. The issue that had burdened the patient's emotional and mental health for so many years, had resurfaced. 

She was bawling.

The camera pan out the adult patient's character and pan in into the same patient who is now the little girl she was when the abuse happened. 

The director was graphically astute in describing the patient's feeling to the audience.

After all these years, she's still that little girl who is still hurting.

My tears inevitably trickled.

I hurt myself last Sunday.
I'm not sure what was the trigger.
Was it because of the new drug I had taken two days ago?
When I was trying to open my eyes, when my vision was still blurred, I thought I was in another place.
I thought I had succeeded.
I was relieved.
Then, reality dawned.

This new medicine that I'm taking causes me to dream every night.
The most delightful dream was when I became another person. A high-school student, and a pair of friends were teaching me how to skip school.
They taught me how to jump over the school fence and away from the ferocious dog.
 Oddly, I told them that I'm in a hurry to go home.

I have no recollection of the events below.
Even reading my own handwritten words doesn't make it any more 'real' to me.

I found these notes in deeply buried in my old magazines.

2004,  May 07   - Sitting here in the KTM station, anticipating a good time with Mel. My crazy mother hid the car keys. Mother's Day is approaching and I have no reason to celebrate at all. Yesterday she called 姨妈 Aunty and complained to her in my presence. I tried to snatch the phone but Mother hit me. I should feel comfortable hating her.

Today's first day of work in the kindergarten brought back many memories of my unhappy childhood. The confusion and constant fear. I never knew where I stood in society.

***********************

I wrote the above on route visit to my friend's hometown in Ipoh.

I finally have my own place.
I have finally detached myself from the toxicity of my family both

physically, mentally and emotionally.

You know that scene in "Good Will Hunting" where Robin Williams kept repeating to Matt Damon, "It's not your fault..."

I'm finally allowing myself to agree with that statement.

It's time to heal...

I'm healing.

Trauma Is Not Your Fault, But Healing Is Your Responsibility

By Brianna Wiest

What happened to you was not your fault.

It was not something you asked for, it was not something you deserved.

What happened to you was not fair.

You were merely collateral damage on someone else’s warpath, an innocent bystander who got wrecked out of proximity.

We are all traumatized by life, some of us from egregious wrongdoings, others by unprocessed pain and sidelined emotions. No matter the source, we are all handed a play of cards, and sometimes, they are not a winning hand.

Healing is our responsibility because if it isn’t, an unfair circumstance becomes an unlived life.

Healing is our responsibility because unprocessed pain gets transferred to everyone around us, and we are not going to allow what someone else did to us to become what we do to those we love.

Healing is our responsibility because we have this one life, this single shot to do something important.

Healing is our responsibility because if we want our lives to be different, sitting and waiting for someone else to make them so will not actually change them. It will only make us dependent and bitter.

Healing is our responsibility because “healing” is actually not returning to how and who we were before, it is becoming someone we have never been — someone stronger, someone wiser, someone kinder.

When we heal, we step into the people we have always wanted to be. We are not only able to metabolize the pain, we are able to affect real change in our lives, in our families, and in our communities. We are able to pursue our dreams more freely. We are able to handle whatever life throws at us, because we are self-efficient and assured. We are more willing to dare, risk, and dream of broader horizons, ones we never thought we’d reach.

The thing is that when someone else does something wrong and it affects us, we often sit around waiting for them to take the pain away, as though they could come along and undo what has been done.

We fail to realize that in that hurt are the most important lessons of our lives, the fertile breeding ground upon which we can start to build everything we really want.

We are not meant to get through life unscathed.

We are not meant to get to the finish line unscarred, clean and bored.

Life hurts us all in different ways, but it is how we respond — and who we become — that determines whether a trauma becomes a tragedy, or the beginning of the story of how the victim became the hero.

By Brianna Wiest

I wrote to Mn,
On 21 Mar 2019, at 3:17 PM,
I have been considering for days whether or not to reach out to you gals.... but alas...
One thought gave me the assurance that I should.
No matter what...
Our past experiences together is definitely worth this email.
As I was still so upset, I thought it's best to stay quiet and let myself THINK.
THINK about what happened.
Surely, I have to bear some responsibility too.
Surely, I could have done better to prevent this misunderstanding to have gone from bad to now, maybe even Non-Friends.
So, I give it time.
Cool down.
One week became two weeks.
Two weeks became 3 weeks.
It didn't feel uncomfortable.
But this period did give me time to think and rethink about myself, the situation... and what I want.
No matter what, it is undeniable that we have had a LOT of good memories.
I do feel our friendship is worth saving.
That's why finally, I decided to email.
If it's meant to be, then I need to accept and move on too.
Honestly, I do feel heavy-hearted but I know there are things in life that shouldn't and can't be forced.
I guess this is part of growing up. 
*******************************************************

She wrote back
On Thu, Mar 21, 2019, 8:41 PM 
One random day, all these struck into my mind and i just feeling let go. Whatever it is, let go. I not going to doubt myself bcoz of the label given, its not my job to always make sure people are happy with me and i just want to move on from these silent drama. I actually feel relieved after I ‘let go’.
Therefore if you still feel:-
i am rude...so be it...
I am selfish....so be it...
I am a dictator....so be it...
My thought / care is fake...so be it...
I am very firm decision person...so be it...
I make everyone to follow wat i want with my ‘philosophy’....so be it...
I am a toxic person...so be it....
I not going to explain because it will still end up in your eyes that i am trying to win with my philosophy.
Hun, if you realised, every thing I do & say have become negative in your eyes & heart. Since I am a negative person now &  so easily trigger your anger like 1,2,3...i am serious..do what we been telling you, kick out toxic & negativity from your life.
Yes we have happy & memorable past but same with me here, I don’t want these drama again in my life. I let go. I don’t want hold it anymore. Whatever it is, I let go.
Kudos to you for making the initiative in bringing up this issue as the immature me plan to just silent about it shall its not brought up.
Last but not least, thanks for your effort and keep up the courage & confidence in yourself.
Bye Hun.
*******************************************************

My reply on
Mar 21, 2019, 10:43 PM
At first I thought a reply wasn't necessary but I fear that you might misunderstand my unresponsiveness.
For old time sake,  I shouldn't mind to take the time to assure you that all is good.
We are grown ups.
🙂 It's time to let go and move on. 
Bye Mn
*******************************************************

I just had to be sentimental writer ,
Jun 10, 2019, 7:45 PM
Hi Moon,
I have been thinking a lot about writing to you but kept delaying, as
I thought it’s best to leave things as it is, so why bother to ‘kacau’ right?
The ONE reason that prompts me to finally start typing is that I really want you to know that there is NO hard feelings from my side.
I don’t have any expectation from this email, I don’t even dare to hope for a reply, but I really need you to know that I don’t bear any ill feelings towards you.
Maybe you wonder why this is important for me?
Maybe aging? Or that I’m the type who think too much. I just need to make sure that the ending of ‘our story’, u know like the last chapter in a book – I hope that the last few sentences in the chapter are good positive ones.
I really hope that you’d believe me when I say I carry A LOT of good and sweet memories of our relationship. Really a lot of examples, but I fear the email would be too long if I typed them.
Eg, the birthday card you and Mina gave me is in the baby’s bed (right in front of me as I type this). We use the music for the baby to calm down when she cries. Also, do you remember the necklace you helped ‘fix’ for me? I told you how disappointed I was with the online purchase so you took it home overnight and made it much nicer. This was the first year we met in Segi.
I was cleaning up my old drawer yesterday and saw the necklace and immediately recalled all this memory. I really smiled to myself recalling it.
Yes, this is very old history.
I think MUCH MORE of our good experiences etc, than our little friction that ended it all.
I hope you’d believe my sincerity of this email, I must emphasize that I carry no expectation from your side.
Ah… maybe forgiveness.
If you do forgive me, or perhaps already have, as you previously mentioned, if you have ‘let go it all’ in a positive manner, then I thank you.

If we do accidentally bump into each other in the street, I hope you won’t turn away or pretend not to know me.
We don’t have to talk to each other, but I hope we can at least smile and nod at each other.
Yes, this is the summary of my intention. I hope we at least smile and nod at each other.
*******************************************************

removing this from my address book was SUCH a relief.

He looked at me helplessly.

My tears came flooding down. "Mao shi, mao shi" "It's ok, it's ok"

Is it time?

Each time I visit him, I feel sad, mixed with deep thoughts.

I can't help the shadows of resentment passing through my thoughts.

"How could my own family NOT feel the way I do now back when I was hospitalised?"

My father's reading glasses.

He had always enjoy reading news, perhaps the only common trait that we share.

The thickness of the dusts shows just how long it has been unused.

Her childish email reinforced my perception of her personality.

Her email resembled an ex-communicated friend who was a delusional schizophrenic.
I couldn't and shouldn't feed into her content anymore.

At first I thought a reply wasn't necessary but I don't want you to misunderstand my unresponsiveness.
For old time sake,  I shouldn't mind to take the time to assure you that all is good.
We are grown ups.

🙂 It's time to let go and move on.
Bye Mn

How could I have ignored the signs for so long?
Why was I hesitant to take a stance for so long?
I have bottled them up far too long.

I've been more stable lately.
MTn AmK queried me.

"I think I finally got the right pieces of the puzzle together.

In the past, I've been forcing the wrong pieces together and the picture just didn't make sense.
I got lost.
Confused.
Depressed.

Now, the pieces slide nicely with each other.
The puzzle pieces fit.
The picture is ugly.
But ugly truth is better than a misleading illusion.

No matter how painful and ugly,
I sense peace in facing the truth.
My truth.

I wrote this on the group's comment page.

My dear friends , I’ve had this nagging desire to drop a note here for the longest time. But each time I was prompted, I’ve always felt that I was unworthy, that I wasn’t good enough to execute my intention. Oh, the song posted by Tze N really made me teary.

I felt it was a confirmation from God that I must fulfil the deed.

My dear dear Church friends. Oh how often I’ve thought of you each one of you.

Simple daily things that I see, hear, feel, or do can easily bring back those Church memories.

For example, just random thoughts….

How Tracy stood outside my old place in Jelutong with bags of pasar groceries waiting for me. It was a cooking / eating day for us. Due to fault of mine, she had to wait outside in the hot humid weather for me.

Tracy, I have not forgotten your cooking tips! And how I love your “Abudden” jokes. And how you had taught me your family secret of frying an egg.

And Jessie ’s clear enunciating voice that can put many radio presenters to shame. How she would laugh at herself.

Tze; her facial expression when she is in deep thought, and how she elegantly finger-swipes her Ipad when she is sharing or preaching.

Samantha N how she claps her hand to brush off the stain while cooking. And the many cute candid stories which she shared in BS. Samantha, I will never forget that during my darkest hour, you had very nonchalantly open up those encouraging videos for me to watch. It was really kind of you. You were so sensitive. You didn’t ask me anything. You purposely kept the conversation light.

I will think of Pastor Lean S each time I’m in those wholesale snack shops ( which is very often). I will never forget her sharing in the Cameron Highlands, about ‘planting seeds’. The discussion was serious, but you didn’t want to give too much pressure to the sharing group, you said, “.. . something for you to think about, …” how you had gestured by dropping the metaphorical seed. Lol how your hand gestures will fly up when you need to make a point.

I will always remember Shirly G sharing about her students, how she persevered with the ex- Principal, how she will allow her students to see her sunburns and suffering or else her students xin li bu ping heng… so funny

I’d remember the nice free bakeries we enjoyed from Edinlyn. Yvonne Por’s comical “Jinjia you?”- Korean.

Pei’s love and concern for me during our private chats and her husband’s pandan jelly ! lol. and when Sam drew a mole on his 'ugly' picture during the game of  pictionary and Ps Steven was offended. He laughed till he teared up... lol ah.. Who can forget all those great games we played

So so many memories… 

Thank you for all your love and acceptance of me. Forgive me for not keeping in close touch. My heart is true.

Have changed my blog intro.
Decided to save old one here.
Clarity is a rare luxury in my life. My very own mind betrays me.
It sends me self-destructive information,causing me to be lost in the ruins of my actions.
I have more appointments with the psychiatrists than with friends.
This blog helps me remember who I am and the dangers that lurk inside of me.
I thank you for your readership.Your presence here makes me feel less alone.
I now live my life imitating the words of Tom Hanks in Castaway-
“I know what I have to do.I have to keep breathing.
And tomorrow the sun will rise, who knows what the tide will bring in.”

I've been watching a lot of Netflix stand-up comedies lately.
I just love how confident these performers are.
Some of them aren't even funny but they don't give a d@m* and they made sure their audience know that.
Many even come off as conceited let alone pushovers.
Jeers and critics slide off their back like it ain't nothing. (lol. look how I'm already influenced)

This kind of confidence is very alien to me.
In my abusive childhood, I was ingrained to believe that I am unworthy of being offended.
When my parents were being mean to me, when my siblings were bullying me, I was taught to believe that I had deserved such treatment - that I was bad, and the abuse was justified.
I had no right to be angry.
I had to learn to swallow my anger like it was my shame.

This toxic upbringing left a lasting bruise to my self-esteem.
Whenever I was offended, I would immediately find excuses for that perpetrator or worse, blame myself.
I had a friend (A) who takes no qualms in correcting me.
Friend (B) can't stand it and asked me why do I tolerate her.
"Oh, she doesn't meant it, she has the right intentions," I honestly said, trying to diffuse my loyal friend B's anger.
B is so annoyed at A's insensitive behaviour, (no wait, B said RUDENESS), that B warned me to never again invite A if I want to meet-up with her (B).

That was 4 years ago.
When I met up with B upon returning from Penang, I shared with her how annoyed I felt with another friend (C).
My perceptive friend B smiled.
"Penang has changed you. You are more confident now. You now know that you too have the right to be angry at others."

Her remark got me thinking.
I didn't realised all this until she said that.
That's right bitches....
I'm angry.

I'm learning to practise the wise mantra of Netflix comedians when people diss them.
....................

.....................

F*ck You!

A Christian friend took this stray in. After taking care of it for about 2 difficult years because he had nose cancer, she finally decided to allow him to be put to sleep today.
I remember how excited he was when a group of us went to her place to practise a dance performance.

I'm back in Sungai Buloh.

I wrote this.

My dear Bible Study friends,                      
Forgive me for not bidding goodbye to you one by one personally.                    
I have taken a long time to compose this as all your faces constantly flash in my mind in my every attempt, and I have to pause to gather my emotions.
Basically I want to say two things.
1. Thank you for being so good to me.
2. I am sorry for not doing good enough.
If there were times where I had offended you, I humbly ask for your grace and forgiveness.
Please know that I truly appreciate all your help and loving kindness that I so undeserved, even to the extend that I feel embarrassed to face any of you now.
Initially, I felt so sad because I had come to Penang with such high hopes, I felt that I have failed myself.
But God whispered to me last Christmas, he told me to read my diary. So I did.

I compared my writings before and during my stay in Penang.
Indeed there was a difference.
It would be unfair to say that my 28 months here (Penang) was in vain.
There are lessons to take home with me.
When I was packing, there were many things that I had to throw away, no matter how useful it could be.
But when I saw my Bible Study notebook, I knew at once I had to take it home. It is filled with your precious testimonies and sharings. This notebook is a summary of the better part of my Penang experience.
Thank you for being part of my happier memory here (Penang).

I never thought I'd leave = (
Not like this.

L, my ex-co worker in the PJ state contacted me to let me know that my old job is vacant. She encouraged me to try.
Her efforts in messaging me was surprisingly mysterious because we were never friends to begin with.
Acquaintances the most.

I do regret my decision coming here to Penang.
If I could turn back time, I wouldn't have left my old job, the one which I was so stable in, to come here, an entirely different risky experience, which had caused several relapses of depression.
My current weight gain truly depresses me.
I'm back to square one.

I pulled out an old shirt that was handed down by my sister.
It has a very strong fabric softener smell.
My sense of smell very quickly and succinctly reminded me of how I felt when I came to visit my sis here 3 years ago.
That sense of clarity.
I had that clear sense of clarity.

I can't go back.
I have no home back there.
I have only two choices.

A more familiar and comfortable misery back home ;

or risk creating  my own new misery and smudges of happiness here.

It's a cold morning.

Wind was howling.

Unemployment is getting to me.

I think this period is essential.

My words to a friend, "I should suffer, so that I'd remember how bad unemployment stinks."

I need to remember the pain of unemployment so that I'd try harder to keep the job next time.

Especially when the anxiety and darkness come knocking with its lies and paralyzing fear.

Last night, my housemate had a date with a guy whom she's really into.
She shyly denies it, but the obvious joy on her face and the giggles confirmed it. It was such a blissful sight to see how happy she was.
I witnessed all the trouble she went through to prepare the cake and dinner for him.
Hence, it would really be awkward if I were to be at home too.
Where to go?
I really need to cut back on expenses, so the cheapest thing I could do was to walk across the road for a prolonged dinner.
But I couldn't stay too long, the weather was cold and the air-cond was on full blast, so I went back to the building's common floor and waited.

 This is where I sat.                                                                                

Being unemployed, my act of staying out to give privacy to my housemate is perhaps the most significant work I've done for the week.

It is hard not to feel sorry for myself when I thought of it.

As I sat alone, looking at the sky, I pondered on my milestones, "What am I doing? Should I worry?"

Then I browsed my site to see what I was doing during this time in 2014 and 2013.

In 2013, I was inspired by Tsang Tsz-Kwan who is blind and severely hearing impaired. "I have to accept I'm disadvantaged ... I decided to take the challenge whatever the results, I think the most important thing is the courage to face the challenge.The inconveniences and limitations [my impairments] bring will follow me my whole life, I must have the courage to face the facts ... I'm going to treasure what I still have."

In 2014, I told myself "In the next World Cup 2018 Russia, I want to be in a place where when I look back to 2014, I can have a wide horizon.

I want to be in awe how far I've come."

Though I haven't got much to show for after 2 years, but I'm glad I had dared to make the changes that I could.

I'm doing ok.

I remember this news very well.
I had read and reread the news.
The young man had such promising future.
I had recognized this place the moment I saw it when I came out of the building, after the job interview early last month.
It was eerily and distinctively familiar.
I never fail to think about him each time I see the building.
It's like I'm staring at a friend's grave.

It was that exact dark spot.

A card I posted to my good friend M.

She took this photo and message-ed me her thanks.

"Thank you for popping by few weeks ago. Really appreciate it. As you might ,have known for a while, things haven't been smooth-sailing for me here in P. Many times I question my decision to come here. Of course, now that I'm already here, I definitely have to persist. Should the worst case scenario happen, at least I have a little while more before moving back.
I remember writing you a card back in 2008-2009(?) I had finally calmed down from a manic episode and decided to quickly write you something before I lose it again. Well, this is something like that too. But this time, instead of mania, it is from an utmost despair.
 I do understand that I am being troubled by things that shouldn't. Logically, I should be able to go on with my life and work - unaffected. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't work that way for me. My mind doesn't tell me logic and rationale. My dysfunctional upbringing causes me to yearn for more of what is absent. Illogical and hurtful actions and remarks make me obsess for their reasons and justice when there are none. My entire focus was on the very thing that wasn't good for me.

I enjoy writing. My head gets clearer when I write. Clarity in mind doesn't come often for me. It's a luxury. I'm sorry I wasn't in a good shape when you came to visit. But then again, you have seen worse. When we were in the restaurant, when I was listening to you, I thought of the time I met up with you in McD in 2010(?) I was beginning to get back on my feet again, with a new job commencing and I was just in awe of you. You have accomplished so much, moved so far ahead since our graduation. I don't mean it like we are in a race, more like how everyone else have moved on to many bigger things, forwarding in their lives, while I am still at the same old spot, fighting the same monster. I don't mean it in a self-pity way, because that's life. I mean it in a seeing myself in perspective - sorta way.
Anyway, thank you for being my friend, for being there - always."