Last night, I was recalling a childhood memory to my housemate.
It was very nostalgic indeed.
I ended my narration with these words.
"Weird isn't it? It is the incidents that were somewhat inconvenient and challenging that we tend to remember best. The every minute detail of it. The feelings, the weather, the colors, even the very scent of it."

This afternoon, during lunch, my colleague shared her family's past at the table.
I was and still am very impressed that she'd feel comfortable sharing such personal details.
Her story was so interesting that no one dared interrupt her for the next 30 minutes.
When she finished, a colleague commended, "Wow, this would make an excellent tv series indeed."
Everyone agreed.

Indeed, we wouldn't remember incidents that were easy and comfortable with such detailed description.

Taken from Lessons From Roald Dahl Books That Prepared Us For Adulthood
1. Learn lessons from those who are different from you

In “James and the Giant Peach,” James befriends giant bugs who become like family to him, after longing to belong and be loved. The same goes for Sophie in “The BFG,” who takes a chance and befriends a giant, whom she comes to have an incredibly rewarding relationship.

It’s important not to rule out friendships with people who are different from us.

Moral of the story: Variety is the spice of life.

2. It’s okay to be different

Many of Dahl’s strongest characters certainly don’t fit in with the crowd. Willy Wonka is an extremely eccentric man; Matilda’s family only enjoys watching TV, while she prefers reading; James’ aunts have nothing in common with him, and he longs for something more.

Moral of the story: Being unique can be magical.

3. Independence is key

Many of the child protagonists’ parents or guardians in Dahl’s books are cruel and crude. This is true for “James and the Giant Peach,” “Matilda” and “The Witches,” to name a few. In these tales, the children have to take situations into their own hands to find enjoyment in life.

Dahl teaches us that we won’t always have parents to act as our infallible role models.

Moral of the story: We need to be able to support ourselves.

4. Reading is good for the soul

Matilda teaches us that people can escape through reading, as she struggles to understand or be understood by her own family. A great quote from the book reads,

The books transported her into new worlds and introduced her to amazing people who lived exciting lives. She went on olden-day sailing ships with Joseph Conrad. She went to Africa with Ernest Hemingway and to India with Rudyard Kipling.

She traveled all over the world while sitting in her little room in an English village.

Moral of the story: Reading can transport us to imaginary respites that can bring us much joy.

5. Sometimes, dreams do come true

Charlie longs for a golden ticket to get into Willy Wonka’s factory. Guess what? He gets the ticket and, eventually, the entire factory. Matilda’s family mistreats her, and she longs for a nicer family; eventually, she ends up with her loving teacher, Miss Honey.

James longs for playmates and a nicer family, too. He ultimately lives in Manhattan in a giant peach pit, with friends surrounding him.

Moral of the story: The things for which we wish become reality if we do right by others and by ourselves.

6. Two wrongs don’t make a right

In “The BFG,” the Big Friendly Giant refuses to use violence against other giants, even though they’re violent against humans. Instead, he talks to the Queen of England (diplomacy for kids!), and together, they devise a way to capture the giants and punish them humanely.

Moral of the story: Making good is never achieved through acting badly.

7. Appearances can be deceiving

The giant in “The BFG” is, in fact, a big friendly giant. In “The Witches,” the witches take on the appearances of totally normal-looking, attractive women. In “James and the Giant Peach,” James befriends giant bugs, which upon first glance, seem terrifying.

All of these Roald Dahl books point out the importance of making character-based judgments, rather than appearance.

Moral of the story: Don’t judge a book by its cover (pun intended).

8. You should always be confident in your abilities

Mr. Fox from the “Fantastic Mr. Fox” oozes self-confidence, and because of this, he achieves a lot. Of course, it’s not right to reach the point of arrogance, but this character proves that with enough self-assurance, great things can happen.

Moral of the story: Believe in yourself and in your dreams.

9. Make the best of your situation

Many of Dahl’s characters are in extremely unfortunate situations. Charlie’s family is devastatingly poor. Matilda’s family is horribly mean to her, and James’ aunts barely feed him and keep him locked in his room all the time.

These three do the best they can to make the best of what they have. When they realize it’s not good enough, they try to change it. This ultimately leads them to more fruitful lives.

Moral of the story: We can break free from bad people and bad situations if we put our minds to it.

It was one of those rare dreams where you'd remember even after you have long awaken.

It was in the house where I had lived for 20 years.
The entire neighborhood was destroyed for the railway construction.
The huge futuristic train arrived but only the privileged few can board.
No one said anything.
It was understood by all.
It's so strange that all of us had accepted this cruel fact without any protest.

And I was to be married to a man I didn't love to have a baby I didn't want ?
Wow, what movie did I watch before I fell asleep?

Out of boredom, I checked my phone.

Surprised to see a missed-call notification.

It was from Sw.

Called her back immediately.

Was relieved that she answered.

Her voice was trembling but she remained courteous and asked about my day.

And I asked about hers too.

And if she is struggling.

She was embarrassed but she told me the truth.

I really hope she'd see the light soon.

No matter now faint the glimmer.

Musashi, the greatest samurai & a deeply feeling student of the Buddha, set down 21 Rules to Live by. Here they are.

1. Accept everything just the way it is.
2. Do not seek pleasure for its own sake.
3. Do not, under any circumstances, depend on a partial feeling.
4. Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
5. Be detached from desire your whole life long.
6. Do not regret what you have done.
7. Never be jealous.
8. Never let yourself be saddened by a separation.
9. Resentment and complaint are appropriate neither for oneself nor others.
10. Do not let yourself be guided by the feeling of lust or love.
11. In all things have no preferences.
12. Be indifferent to where you live.
13. Do not pursue the taste of good food.
14. Do not hold on to possessions you no longer need.
15. Do not act following customary beliefs.
16. Do not collect weapons or practice with weapons beyond what is useful.
17. Do not fear death.
18. Do not seek to possess either goods or fiefs for your old age.
19. Respect Buddha and the gods without counting on their help.
20. You may abandon your own body but you must preserve your honour.
21. Never stray from the Way.
Taken from www.elephantjournal.com

I woke up early to do a test run on how my mornings would be on a work day.
I planned my walking route to the bus station, and took note of the waiting and travelling time of the bus.
The moment I got up the bus, I was delighted to see a friend I got to know from church. (*I'm not a Christian.)
I thought, wow... this is a good start for the day.

Despite me deliberately leaving the house very late, (**It is a test-run afterall.) I was in awe when I was at the front of my office precisely at 8.30am.
This test-run has indeed relieved a lot of anxiety.

I had breakfast at a nearby place until the public library opened and I watched the movie, Lady in the Water.
I have seen this movie before and yet, it had captivated me once again.

Below are the memorable quotes.
Story: Man thinks they are each alone in this world. It is not true. You are all connected. One act can one day affect all.

Story: [holding Cleveland's journal] Your thoughts are very sad. Most are of one night. A night a man entered your home when you were not there. He stole many things and killed your wife and children. That is when you stopped being happy. You were a doctor. I am very sorry for you. You believe you have no purpose. You help all that live here.
Cleveland Heep: Anybody can do this job, Story.
Story: You have a purpose. All beings have a purpose.

Mr. Dury: This world is about finding your purpose, right? And the only way is to find your own voice — you told us that. I don't feel like an interpreter. Is it possible that isn't my purpose? I don't see anything in these words — and I didn't before. Finding one's purpose is a profound thing. Sometimes it isn't always what it seems. What if these young men are not the guild? Look at what happened at the party. These things haven't seemed right since the beginning. Why are you so certain that I am the interpreter and they are the guild?
Cleveland: He was so sure.
Mr. Dury: What?
Cleveland: I asked someone, he acted like he knew.
Mr. Dury: What kind of person would be so arrogant as to presume the intention of another human being? Who has put this young girl's life in jeopardy?
Mr. Leeds: We can't just stand here playing make-believe. I wanted to believe, more than most. I wanted to be like a child again. I needed to believe there was something more than this awfulness around us, but at some point, we have to stop.
Young-Soon Choi: Mr. Leeds, it's time we prove that some stories are real!

I came home and I went grocery shopping with my housemate.
Had dinner, did laundry.
Chatted online with KL friend Sw and PG friend Shannen.
A friend texted me and invited me to shop with her in tomorrow's night bazaar.
It has been a good day indeed.

"You're very brave and independent. I wish I were you."
"Hahaha. I never thought I'd live long enough to hear these words being referred to me."

Since my relocation here, many people did comment that it requires courage and an independent mind to do what I did.

Well, I've seen better.
I'm merely learning.

View from my room

View from the stairway

I decided that lying on bed will just worsen my anxiety.
"Let's find something to do," I told myself.
1.Went to the hospital, registered myself, saw the GP, got the referral letter, got the appointment.

2.Donated blood.

3.Searched for the public library. Unimpressed, but at least I have another hang out place. Borrowed a book.

4.Registered myself for the public bus monthly discount card.

>>>the above was today. Below are what I have done so far.

5. Viewed 13 rooms. Chose the 13th room.

6. I arranged and met the counselor at the community service centre. Will call again when my work has started.

7. I found my way around with public transport.
.................................................................................

I can do this.
My friend Wf texted me, "You will have enough space to reinvent yourself."
Another friend encouraged me, "You are the most mentally strong person I've ever known. You have been through so much. Don't let other people's negativity affect you."

I've got this.

My memory was severely affected.
I have become very unsure of my past.
I always ask myself - "Did it really happen? Or was it just an imagination?"

After this experience, I am now certain of one thing.
I didn't imagined it.
She IS a real bitch.

Everything happens for a reason.
I came here to self-search.
Now, I can eliminate one huge part of my self-doubt.
It really DID happen.
How do I know that?
It is now happening again.

Saturday, 18th October 2014

Alas, I'm here..........

Entire text taken from 6 Mistakes We Make When Depressed or Having a Panic Attack
By Nikolay Perov

1. Resisting.

When we feel a bad mood, depression, or panic coming on, our first wish is to get rid of it as quickly as possible, to change the “bad” mood into a “good” one. This is natural; it’s how we’re made. But all too often our attempts just make everything worse.

Resistance forces us to think constantly about our condition, to focus all of our attention on it, to feel bad because it won’t go away, to wait tensely for relief.

But the simple truth is that you can’t control everything. Attempting to get your condition “under control” often leads to extra stress and unwanted bad feelings. It’s sometimes best just to relinquish control and cease resistance.

If we relax and let our depression or panic come without trying to control anything, accepting that they’re only temporary feelings which will pass in due course, things become much easier.

2. Feeling bad about feeling bad.

We start to have thoughts such as “I’m going to die or go crazy,” “This’ll never end,” and “I hate that I can’t enjoy life like other people; I feel utterly miserable.”

Our mind starts to add new fears and negative emotions to the depression we already have. And, as I saw for myself, these fears and feelings end up constituting the main part of our condition.

It’s actually your mind, not the depression and panic themselves, which makes each episode so unbearable.

If you don’t believe me, try this experiment: The next time you’re overwhelmed by an attack, try to simply observe it without getting caught up in or assessing it in any way. Just watch it in its pure form, without any thoughts. Try to notice which parts of your body you feel it in and how it comes and goes.

In this way, you’ll remove your mind from the formula of your distress. You’ll notice how much weaker the attacks become when they’re no longer supported by your thought processes. Give it a try, making notes of the results if you like. Would it be true to say that it’s not all as terrifying and dreadful as it seemed at first?

When you stop feeding your depression with fears and thoughts it becomes much easier to shake off.

3. Comparing.

“Everything was so good when I wasn’t depressed! What an amazing time it was, and how awful it is now. Why can’t I go back?!” These are the kinds of things many people think, me included, but such thoughts bring nothing but harm.

If you want to beat depression or panic, you have to stop comparing. Forget that there’s a past and future. What’s happened has happened. Don’t dwell on it, and instead live in the here and now.

Start with what you have, and don’t think about how it all was before. Learning how to live in the present moment will make your depression or panic much more bearable.

4. Asking pointless questions.

Many people spend hours asking themselves all kinds of questions: “When will this end?” “Why me?” and “What have I done to deserve this?”

To make use of a well-known Buddhist parable, these questions are as much use as trying to figure out the source of the arrow which blinded you: it’s just not that important. What you need to know is how to pull the arrow out.

Questions of the “Why me?” ilk just make your condition worse, forcing you as they do to complain and be upset about something that’s already happened. Focus on what will help you get past your depression and don’t bother with questions which don’t serve this purpose.

5. Believing your fears.

We think that because we experience such fear at the idea of going outside, meeting people, or going on the underground, it means that something bad is going to happen. There’s nothing surprising in this, because nature has made fear in order to warn us of danger. We’re made in such a way that we instinctively believe this fear and respond to it.

But our fear hardly ever arises due to a real threat. For example, the fear of losing your mind or suffocating during a panic attack is simply fallacious. Stop believing this fear. Whatever it is you’re afraid of at these times isn’t going to happen.

Fear is nothing more than a feeling, a chemical reaction in your head. If you’re overcome with terror when you go down into the underground, it doesn’t mean that something horrific is laying in wait there. It’s like a malfunctioning fire alarm—just because it’s going off doesn’t mean there’s actually a fire.

So stop listening to your “inner alarm” every time it goes off. Don’t pay it any heed: go out, meet your friends, get on a plane, and let the alarm keep ringing. Nor should you try to “switch it off,” as this doesn’t always work. Just ignore it. In other words, stop taking your fear as something real.

6. Seeking reasons for your depression in the outside world.

This is another mistake I made myself. I thought that my malaise was linked solely to the way my life and work were going. I believed that if I could just change that, I’d be happy.

But then, with meditation, I realized that everything I needed to be happy was inside me, and likewise what was causing me to suffer!

I was so edgy, anxious, feeble, caught up in bad habits, undisciplined, and irresponsible that even if I’d succeeded in changing the external circumstances of my life, the traits that had given rise to my depression would still be there.

In order to get rid of my depression, I had to get rid of the internal reasons that had caused it.

So don’t keep telling yourself, “If I get a new job, everything’ll be smooth sailing,” or “If I get rid of everything I’m scared of, there won’t be anything to be afraid of any more.” Your depression and fears reside inside you, so wherever you are, they will be too, projected onto the outside world.

Of course, this doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t strive to improve your life. First of all, though, you need to direct your efforts inwards.

I couldn't hide my shock when she showed me the scars.
I knew that she loves wearing cardigans but I didn't realised this was the reason.

She shared with me her darkest hours and most wicked of demons.

My poor poor friend.
She told me her fears at night, just before bedtime.
So, I texted her a message.

"I understood every word you shared with me earlier. I know how the Darkness can torment us, all those convincing lies, over and over again. But you are not those lies. Look how far you've come. We fell and got back up. I know I will fall again, but I will find my way back again too. We are both survivors. I know it's hard for you to believe this, but the day will come when you feel , --Hey, I've got this."

I had a very dark, DARK morning.
I woke up at 4am and I tossed and turned till it was time for me to get ready for work
I have been very nervous for the past few days hence, I took half a Lexapro two hours before bedtime.
Perhaps it did help me sleep but it also made my stomach queasy.

My heart was palpitating and my head was filled with scary thoughts.
"People hate you."
I was very tempted give in and stay in bed.
But I know giving in will only make the darkness stronger.
I would feel guilty and ashamed.

I got up.
Indeed, I was right.
The day got better.
I got better.

I am getting better at this.

I arranged for a group dinner last night.
Mn, Cc, Sw, YL , LC and myself sat at the Secret Recipe restaurant near workplace.
Just as we chose our seats, I can't help but was reminded that YL, LC and myself  sat at the same place during our dinner with CLY months ago.

Anyway, LC was very nasty.
I don't know what got into her, but I'm truly disappointed with her.
I really need to pay attention to my instincts.
I must believe in myself.

This Saturday will be my last BodyCombat session with Ax.
I've been attending his classes for approximately 18 months (my gym contract duration).
Today, during class, I looked around at my gym acquaintances.
I don't know most of their names, and yet, I said my silent goodbye-s to them.
Gosh, I'm so sentimental !

I asked Mn how she handles her workload.
"Your work is so demanding. And you have so much family issues on your plate too. How do you NOT get overwhelmed?" I asked.
Mn inhaled and gave it some thought.
"Well, I guess I don't think about the stress per se. I just focus what I need to do at the present. Mindfulness, you know..."

I went to Sw's place to look for her.
In our last conversation, she was in quite a mess.
I saw Prof.M and decided to ask her about Sw's well-being.
"Is she around?" I asked, but I seem to have hit a nerve.
"If she's there , she's there ! How would I know where she is? Do you have something urgent with her?" chided the annoyed professor.
"I'm asking as a friend, as she seemed quite depressed when we last spoke" trying my hardest to placate the professor's emotion.
It seemed to have worked, as the professor went on explaining her agitation.
Apparently, Sw didn't make any effort in hiding her depressed mood at work and the professor is utterly disappointed with her.
"I know I sound very harsh, but she needs tough love !
There is much more to life than to just have a man."