The motorbike in front of us was carrying four people in total. In between the adults, there was a baby and in front of the motorist, there was a toddler.

I could see the baby’s little foot dangling.
Precariously as it may seem, the oblivious child was rocking his/her foot, enjoying the ride.

Sis said, “People really shouldn’t have kids if they can’t afford to travel safely.”
I said, “Well, qiong you qiong kai xin.” – poverty has its own version of happiness. (this translation kills the actual meaning, sorry)

“Why didn’t you return my sms?”

W was late so it was very logical for me to assume that she’s going to once again cancel the appointment like usual.

“Oh, I’m out of credit.”
And I let the subject end just like that.

Later, she wanted to invite another friend to our outing.
In front of me, she called the friend several times.


Dear Liars, you need good memory to be who you are.

Just had a hair cut.
Went to the saloon.
I was quite flabbergasted when she asked me what kind of hair cut I had in mind.
"Er... just short lar."
She seemed a bit annoyed that I'm not answering her question.
I just wanted my hair short.
She took out a 'catolog' of hair styles.
I just mini mynee mo-ed on one picture.

I think at this point I broke her patience.
"You don't come to saloons often, huh?"
I smiled, "Just cut lar... don't worry, I won't get angry at whatever style."

She took a very safe route and cut very little of my hair.
I didn't mind.
I thought it looked nice.
I really like the way hair stylist touches my hair.
It's like they look at me and see the possibility of me being at my best -
--well that's what I'd 'like' to believe.


I went home and was very excited to show me sis.
"look at me, look at me!"
My sister gave me a sleepy look, "OH, you tied your hair and cut ah?"
although I DID that before, but I was slightly hurt by this.

Later, upon clarification she said it was nice.
HUMPH!

In the middle of the movie, the screen went haywire suddenly.
There was almost 3 mins of the movie gone.

As we make our exit, I was prepared to leave the building.
But I noticed some of the other patrons complaining agressively to the manager.
The manager relented and offered free tickets as compensation.
My friend was very excited at this discovery,
"Quick quick, hand me your ticket".

You know, only a handful of the movie patrons got their deserving free tickets because most of them had left - blaming bad luck for having missed that 3 mins.
I was almost one of them.

I was blessed by a group of smart consumers.

"Wah, have not chatted with you for so long and still you're like that..."

Ouch. Truth hurts so much.

was at a gift shop.
was attracted to a little 'fortune telling' bottle.
you shake it and it answers your question with 'yes' 'no' 'probably' etc...

I asked a few.
It came back positive.
Although I don't believe such things but I was very encouraged by its positive response.

So, I asked - "Will I have a boyfriend by next year?"

ABSOLUTELY NOT.

I was so amused ... that I was smiling at myself...
I mean, since this bottle has been so fictionally generous on previous attempts, why can't it just BLUFF me one more time?


this year then? hhahahahha

First time dining at TGIF.
The restaurant was conducting a training session and I had the utmost good fortune to be acquainted with one of the marketing staff.
As I entered the restaurant, all the staff were super friendly and kept giving me 100volt smiles while greeting me.
I felt so uncomfortable.
Even more uncomfortable that I had felt uncomfortable.
I was asking myself, why ? Am I more used to rudeness?
It was too frightening to linger on this question.

We proceeded and make our orders.
We sat right opposite the speaker and with the excitement from the people around,it was quite difficult to hear myself.
I wanted to say that the prices are quite expensive.
"Wah, the price is quite... *suddenly the music stopped and the people didn't feel the need to speak* EXPENSIVE"
-yes, you've seen this part of the comedy on telly before.
It's much funnier when it happens to yourself in REAL life.

The mud-something-chocolate, or chocolate-mud-something or something chocolate mud dessert was really heavy. Both sis and I couldn't finish it, as hard as we were trying not to waste.
Sis said, "I'm done, but I will continue to move my fork around the plate, pretending that I'm still eating - to support your effort in not wasting food."

Such a witty remark that prompt me to take this photo to illustrate the situation.






Time came to pay the bill.
This was the money used during that occasion.
We even waited for the waiter to return with the receipt- which really was unnecessary, but we thought, aww.. let's play the part professionally...

E-mail-ing really kills a lot of sentimental storage in us.

I was looking through my old letters and cards, received back in the previous 8 years or so, causing so much memory to pop up.

Most of the letters and cards have a lot of meaning to me.
A lot of sentimental value.

I mean, should we start saving our emails in a special folder and later print them?
But still, nothing beats the actual physical letters, cards and handwritten notes.

Let's all buy more stamps, cards and letter pads.

I'm now in a cyber cafe.
Computer was seriously infected with virus and I'm here for my ONLINE fix.

SO many youths here.
hahaha...
I think some of it has rubbed on me a little...

When words can’t convey
When emotions continue to betray

When memories seem to have lost its vigor
When dreams and hopes turn sour

When you wonder which is bigger
Benevolence or the masked monster

When beauty is bought
When kindness is just a thought

When education is about recognition
When religion causes more destruction

What if the evil we claim to oppose
Is the emptiness we have in our souls?

Silence and solidarity left at the end
As we all continue to pretend.


***deep or not? hahaha... this is what i get for not sleeping at 3am****

I was just randomly clicking the links to blogs.
Was feeling really bored, and was entertaining myself with pics displayed in the blogs.
Most of them are taken in ‘partying’ mood, mostly in pubs, discos etc…
Quite amusing…
I continued to click.
Then I came across a familiar face.
Hey, I know this guy, I played badminton with him twice.
I continue to scroll and click.
Wa.. this blogger good friends with him ah, so many of his photos.
It took me awhile to realize that it was HIS blog.

His writings are so different from the real person.
Then again, I don’t him that well.

something I found very relevant.

Ian McEwan's interview excerpt:

You write about very dark subjects. Why is that?

Look at the front page of today's newspaper. We are a troubled lot, and literature is bound to reflect this. Any examination of the human state will take you into some dark places.

What are you watching?

*Con Air.

That doesn't look like Con Air.

*Oh, it's news. Con Air hasn't started yet.

Huh?

###
Don't you just love how siblings communicate sometimes?

On our way out, I was the last one.
The road was long and dark and I’m trying very hard not to be left far behind.

Suddenly, I feel that this is an analogy of my real life.
I’m so far behind my peers.
And I’m alone in this long, dark and narrow road.

Most of my peers are way ahead and possess achievements that easily put me to shame.

Then, I approached the junction.
I had to take the left turn where most cars had to take the right.

I had come to a conclusion to my analogy story.
All of us head different destinations,
thus we take different journeys.

It was never a race.

I crossed paths with two young boys carrying fishing rods and a bucket as I was walking to the post office.

I looked at them astonishingly.

FISHING! - like what I read in books! a hobby that isn't computer games, football or guitar plucking...


W-O-W...

I saw young boys going fishing...

Have you ever realised that you might have forgotten a huge part of yourself?

I was clearing some of the stuff hidden under my bed, when I came across an exercise book (the type you buy for 60 cents).
I saw that I had written the title "Books I've Read"

I flipped through the pages and saw the myriad of my own handwritings.
Like all humans, my handwriting vary according to my mood and timeline of my life.

According to my own documentation, I'm impressed that I had read a lot consistently for a period of time.
For each book I've read, I've documented the author's name, words I didn't know the meaning and the best part - fascinating quotes I retrived from the books.

Yes. This is one part of me which I really did almost forget.

************************
Storyteller's Creed by Robert Fulghum

I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.
That myth is more potent than history.
That dreams are more powerful than facts.
That hope always triumphs over experience.
That laughter is the only cure for grief.
And I believe that love is stronger than death.

Life can be very curiously fascinating.

I saw an old acquintance at the parking lot.
We've not met for so long and I thought the coincidence is just 'WOW'.

I called out to him, but he couldn't hear me, and he walked real fast.

I felt a bit disappointed that such rare coincidental chance is lost just like that.

Then,...

As I was scrambling in the dark to find my seat in the cineplex...
Suddenly, the light from the screen brightened the view.

Behold, guess who is seated next to me?

Remember I wrote that I deleted all my ex-colleagues no?
Well, I received a birthday sms from one of them.
What a surprise!

I asked her, how did she know it's my birthday, coz I'm sure I don't go around telling people such things.
She said, "Friendster."

I checked.
I didn't put my birthdate in my Friendster.

I'm certain only ONE person in the office knows.
Why didn't that person message me?
Anyway, Happy Birthday to you too...
Sagittarius Rocks

"Can it be eaten?"
-No.

"Can it be shaken?", I shook it vigorously.
-Well, best if not.

"Is it supposed to make this sound?"
-Er, no. But I can guess why it does now...

I was really happy.
It has been a very long time since I've received a gift. What more a birthday gift.
A wrapped gift.

It was a Dvd. A movie we watched together last year.
Yeah.. I really liked it.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

I get agitated when I'm asked this.

Because, I'm not alright... and yet I couldn't hide it.

Because, I know you meant well... and yet asking me this doesn't help.

Because, I know you have noticed me not being 'alright' for a long time, and I don't want to be a 'negative' energy in your midst.

Because, I 'm not alright and I don't know how to make it alright.

Because, I 'm not alright, but I have to put up the best convincing act and say, "Yes, I'm ok."

"{{ out of 70 of you, only ONE of you could write down the relevant answers to these questions...}}"

The lecturer announced in a condescending tone to my coursemates in the hall.

That ONE was me.
It was the proudest moment of the year.
and that year was many years ago.

*************************

Today, I was reminded of that feeling.

"{so far, the only satisfactory answer was the one on Aung San Suu Kyi.}"

I thought, what? there were other people who wrote about her too?
Later, I realised that it was ME.

Awww...
Believe me, to a common person like myself - these compliments are very rare.
These are the rare moments where I do get noticed.
These are the rare moments where I can actually momentarily believe that I'm not bland, but equally capable of achievements as everyone else.

A 12-year-old girl was reported to have committed suicide for being disappointed over her UPSR results. The news even added a comment that her results wasn't bad. 4 Bs, 1C and 1D.

At first, I thought it was really silly of her.
Wondering what kind of environment she was in to think that -
Bad results = F-A-I-L-U-R-E

Suddenly, something incur to my mind.

Actually, all of us are susceptible to such mentality.
I'm sure all of us have our own
"_______" = FAILURE
equation.

You don't dress like this, you're weird.
You don't drive a nice car, you're incapable.
You've reach of age, but still no partner, there's something 'not right' about you.
You have not achieved this, you're behind everyone else.

Don't feel bad, we are all prisoners of these outward measurements.
Our worldly mind can only comprehend such measurements.
Oh... then again, we should ALL feel bad.

I was crying very badly.
I was in Standard Two.
I didn't want to go to school.
I was scared of the teachers, and I didn't have any friends.


"Why can't you be like the rest of them? See? How all of them are enjoying themselves here!", yelled my frustrated father while pointing at my classmates.

Many many years later, I still ask myself this question.

Why can't I be like the rest of "them"?
People who don't seem to even need to understand what depression is.
The normal, majority people...

The normal - majority of people whom I envy so so much

I paid Rm40 for dental consultation.
Rm40 just to tell me that I have gum infection and not cavities.
it took him less than 5 mins.

I remember that I was once paid only rm5 an hour.

"I'm going out with I"

Bro= "I thought you said she's unreliable and only contacts you when she is ultimately out of other friends to be with."

"Yeah. But I've repented from my judgmental mentality. I should really heed the advice NOT to take things too seriously."


---------------------------------------
Today.....
I = "I'll confirm with you later and ..."

Me = "That's what you always say, but you never ...."

I = "I promise, I gotta go... "

A day has passed since the due confirmation time.
But it doesn't bother me anymore...

Had a very weird dream.

I was much younger.
Was in the hostel room back in college.
Met my former roommate.

Suddenly, I had this bunch of unknown friends.
We were in an unfamiliar building.
But I felt so accepted.
SO IN the group.

I was even given a birthday cake.



I woke up and the first thought that came to mind was,
"Oh, I'm actually much older..."

So weird so weird.

Yesterday, excited that I have a day off, I had plans for household chores.
I will wash the car, toilet,clean the room, continue to work on the project...etc.

but today?
watched tv, slept... and now it's already 8pm.

Oh well...
there's always tomorrow...

Hehehe

A friend suddenly tells me that she's lesbian.

wait...
wasn't she the same person who liked Mejar (guy) just 3 months ago?

Sometimes, I really wonder if homosexuality is just a 'fashion' thingy....

I came across the background audio cd of my group's play a few weeks ago.
I was given the responsibility to hold on to it during our July company trip.
I must have 'thrown' it somewhere in my bag upon return.


As I'm listening to it again,
I really can't help but smile.
Besides wanting to remember of the obvious fun we had,
I also wanted to be reminded of my team players' hard work.
They put in so much hard work that I was confused of their objective.
I had the mentality of, "aiyo, no need lar..."
But now, I understand.
All of them had the ,"if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well" attitude.

Weeks after the July company trip, my ex-colleague loaned me her camera recorder's disc.
Although a lot of photos and videos were censored, I now regret not making a copy of it.
A copy of the winning group's play was definitely worth the trouble.
It was so nicely done that I'd never listen to the Teriyaki Boyz in the same way.

The moment I quit my job, I knew that all my acquaintances in the office will end.
I deleted all the contacts in MSN because I didn't want to see them online but not talking to me.

EMO, yes... I know.

I honestly don't know how I feel about him.
Everyone made the effort to say something to me after I left, but he didn't.

Suddenly today, out of the blue.

{z@hotmail.com says:}
{hey}

I was grinning ear to ear.

we chatted for about 10 mins only.
He asked how I'm doing and told me the great news about him going for greener pastures. Something which he told me much earlier but it was not confirmed then.

I genuinely feel happy for him.

He is one mystery in my life.
His final words?

z@hotmail.com says:
[u better keep it up]
[do better advertising]

=)

Quotes from - SO MANY BOOKS by Gabriel Zaid.

"a book not read is a project uncompleted. Having unread books on display is like writing cheques when you have no money in the bank - a way of deceiving your guests."

----------------------------------------------
"...and maybe the measure of our reading should therefore be, not the number of books we've read, but the state in which they leave us. what does it matter how cultivated and up-to-date we are , or how many thousands of books we've read? what matters is how we feel, how we see, what we do after reading; whether the street and the clouds and the existence of others mean anything to us; whether reading makes us , physically, more alive."

I had a ‘yumcha’ – drinking session with my old friend.
She had other friends on the table as well.
All of them were Chinese speaking, mostly Mandarin.
Both of us tried to converse the best we could.

On our journey back,
“Woah, I had no idea your Mandarin was so good.”
“No, la. Yours better.”

Both of us continued to express our surprise at each other’s vast improvement on the language.

For as long as we could remember, we only spoke Cantonese and smattering English to each other.

The last time we heard each other speaking Mandarin was back in primary school.
So, you can imagine our surprise!

#########################################

My bro asked me.
"From the scale of 1 to 10 , what is the possibility of you giving up your studies again? Ten being the most likely."

I immediately said 1.

I think I was trying to convince myself.

I really hope it's working.

The little kid kept running back and forth,
asking if I want milo ice, orange or watermelon juice.
The four-year-old even asked me if I want my tables wiped.
I smiled in amusement knowing that he's playing a make-believed pretense game.

He has working parents.
His days are just school, tuition and if he's lucky, a bit of tv.
Perhaps, the only activity he could truly enjoy was eating out with his parents.
Therefore, he sees people serving food to be 'happiest' job there is.
I think this kid is only exposed to that kind of fun in life.

Lately, everywhere I go,
I see glimpse of physical similarity of the people I know in the past.
I read that this is a symptom of old age.
Someone who reminisces too much.

That’s quite a problem.
I’m looking behind too often.
Hardly confident that there is something FORWARD worth looking to.
But I’m praying…

I saw him.
I looked away, fearing that our eyes may meet.

I don't mean to be rude, but I'm just too uncomfortable with myself right now.

Both of us stayed back in this place for the worst reasons.
I think neither of us wants to explain to each other why.

I think he 'd agreed too.

Coz' he looked away too.

The library has changed.
The rooms have changed.
I had to remake my ID card.
My photocopier card doesn't work anymore.

When I see the physical changes around me,
even the mere changes in the calendar dates,

I know time has flown a great deal.

But when I recall memories.
The exact things that used to take place here.
It felt so close.

Yet, clearly.
It has left me far away.

I did something nice today.

I offered a perfect stranger a ride to the bus stop.

Only when she got down the car, I realised that I was too careless.

She sat next to my bag throughout the journey.
She could have stolen something.

I stopped the car to check.
I felt guilty by the previous anxiety.
My suspicious mind was corrupted by the nature of a few bad apples.

It was a good deed.

Today is my first day.

October 18.

What a coincidence.
It was this day when I first stepped into that ward.
The day when it all started.


It kept playing in my head all day.

It's 4.51 am.
I have less than two hours left to sleep.
And yet, I can't.

I don't know why.


Tomorrow will be my first day of my final attempt to finish what I had so mistakenly started.

A degree.

The journey of this stupid pursue is really silly.
Or perhaps I'm just silly.


I just want to get on with it.

It's always hard to return to your dark past.

I went back to the place where it all started.

Things have changed of course.

The students looked so young.

A clear indication that I have aged.

More in the inside that out, I 'm afraid.

I really need to seriously upgrade my dress sense.

Just before we leave the house,

Sis = "Er, aren't you changing?"

On separate incident,

Bro = "Are you on your 'going out' clothes already?


I don't know what is the right response, but I heartily laughed.

Bro is at home.
He took out two comic books at hand one each to myself and sis.

I felt like a little girl once again where my 'kor kor' will give things to me and sis,

that little age where I'll do all his bidding.

With memory and imagination,

I felt like this...

My emotions are as volatile as life itself.

My old friend came to visit me.

We went for supper and talked crap.

Laughed.
A LOT.

Suddenly, in the midst of all this sadness,

I once again sense a glimmer of hope.

I cried.

After all this while, I 'm still living with Evil.

Many people asked me details about Evil.

I don't know where to start.
Should I repeat the crazy things Evil said/says to me?
Testify the kind of abuse I've been through?

All the details which I try so hard to forget?

I don't need anyone to pity me or be 'on my side' anyway.
I just want to forget...

Was watching Project Runway Malaysia on tv.

One guy was selected to 'leave' the stage.

As usual, he gets to speak to the camera.

"Before this, I never had close Malay friends. But now, I have two very close Malay friends. Hatta and Fitri, I will miss your jokes very much!"

Sis and I looked at each other and went,

AWW............

I watched with great delight at how two brothers were sharing their ice-creams.

Both no more than 8 years, but they have reached an unspoken agreement on how they divide their ice-creams.

One was holding a stick ice-cream.

The other, a cup.

One sucked his ice-cream stick a few seconds before jabbing it into his brother's mouth.

The other scooped a few into his own mouth before jabbing the ice-cream spoon into his brother's.

Such co-operation.
Such understanding.

"Maybe they're too burnt out with reality that they are no longer familiar with the most common form of kindness."

"Wah, I really like the way she put it..." - a friend was impressed.


I was like, giggling inside.
Trying my hardest to act cool.
So pleased that I had actually said something of substance.

There was a little frog which jumped out of the pile of papers.

Scared both sis and myself.

We equipped ourselves with brooms to usher that little one outside.
However, the frog seemed to have lost its direction and kept jumping back inside.

Two full grown adults armed with brooms screaming with fright over the little amphibian is really a laughable sight.

After the whole incident, I laughed.
A real guffaw.

It must have been more frightened than us.
If only it knew....

The kind of emotions it is capable evoking from us.

I've not been able to concentrate in my readings.

This is serious.

I worry.

There are times where months have passed, and yet I have no memory of what I've done during that period.
It's as if nothing at all happened.

BUT...

There are times where it was only 2-3 days,

and yet, the memory vividly lasts a lifetime.

written at 2am-Bangkok time

**a retype of what I wrote on the dressing table at 2am two months ago**

Irene is dead asleep under alcohol influence. I think the play the group performed tonight disappointed Mejar. He worked the hardest. I know he had high hopes for it. L's team was too strong. Everyone was extremely 'sporting', including Shirl and Aunty! I do feel sad that I somewhat let my team down for not 'participating' fully. L is really a player. I amuse myself thinking that I used to have a different idea of him.

I just experienced a deja vu. It was a dream where I took off in a helicopter.

Media boss bought me a Tiger beer (I egoistically refused to order Coke) and gave me a fatherly figure advice. To men, sex is just another sneeze.

*****************************

I went to bed,
thanking God for such a great time.

An old college mate invited me out for a drink.
She seriously wanted a career change and only God knows why she thought I could assist her in this area.
Anyway, back to my story.
I told her what I’ve been doing since we last met.

It was a good time, really.
It was like a recap for the year.
Let’s just say the meet-up gave me something to write about.

I realized that the short stint at the advertising was truly a blessing.
I was so consumed over the loss of it that I didn’t really count my blessings that I got it at the first place.
I began to recall how I felt the night before I left for Bangkok.
How I felt
• during the journey to the airport,
• when I had breakfast while waiting excitedly for other colleagues to arrive,
• when the plane took off,
• when I tried a few Thai phrases with a very handsome flight attendant,
• when I jumped on the bed in the hotel room,
• when I watched with bewildered amusement at the Thai tv channels,
• as I watched my colleagues performed on stage,
• writing at 2am on the dressing table in the hotel room,
• at the conference table, observing all the geniuses doing their work,
• when Mejar had tried so hard to include me in all their group work and not let me look like a fool (believe me, this requires real hard work),
• when I was in the midst of the silliest joke told in the week.

Of course, there are some unpleasant incidents which I must learn from as well.
But overall, it was good.

I ask the good Lord this, “What’s next?”

My brother is home to visit.
I love it when family is near, well… there are exceptions.
I love it when my brother tells me interesting “Did-you-know facts”

Like how the people who live in faraway rural areas have better sense of hearing
because they are not subjected to the ‘technological noise’ like we do.

I teased my bro.
I asked how he would react if a girl flirted with him. I proceeded to play that part.
Then, he pretended to punch me in the face.

Ah…

All three of us siblings were watching ShinChan, the Indonesian version on tv. (don’t ask)
I asked, “If bisa means boleh, then what is poison in Indonesian?”
My sis answered, ‘Racun.’
She illustrated her answer with an old Indonesian song.

I saw that my siblings are very charming in their own way.

I know there must be something for me to learn.

There must be something more.

Will I be able to step up to it?

*************************

I've been thinking hard on a good post...
but just haven't got one.

I nudged my friend to look at the terribly mismatched couple.
"The guy looks like some illegal Bangladeshi construction worker, short,dark and ugly. But the girl looks like some teen magazine cover!Fair, pretty and taller than him by a head!"

"So bad!! Next time you get a very handsome boyfriend and when you walk around with him, then you'd know how it feels to be judged."

All I heard was 'very handsome boyfriend'.
Er, ok... I don't mind...

*********************************

But she got me thinking.
I have this nasty habit of looking at couples and passing comments in my head.

Yes.
That's very bad of me...

I was in an exceptionally good mood today.

Finally said my goodbye .
The weirdest goodbye ever.
I deleted the number.
Along with many other.

I've been trying to get ideas on what to write.
I badly wanted a more 'positive' post updated here.

Criminal Minds - Dr Reid was very traumatised by his abduction in the last episode.
Good ol' Detective Morgan forced him to talk about it.
"What am I going to do about it?"

The golden advice.

"Use it to be a better person."


--how many of us can do that?
processing a bad experience to make ourselves a better person?

For the entire week,
I was feeling really DOWN DOWN because the words of my ex-boss kept playing in my head.

Then, yesterday I suddenly recall what my ex-colleague said just before I left the office.

"You should never doubt yourself."

Am I going to be alright?
I have to be...

I joined a Christian meeting tonight.
During prayer, I closed my eyes and really concentrated.
Unknowingly, my eyes were teary.
Right after the prayer ended,
the group leader asked me a question, directing the entire group's attention to me.
I had to wipe my eyes.

So so embarrassing...

I really do feel helpless in all aspects of my life.
Everything is out of my control, even my own emotions.
And I hate it ...
I hate it that somehow, I'm responsible...
I hate it that it's my fault...
I hate it that I don't know how to remedy it...
I hate it that I have to remedy it...

I worry.
I fear.

What if DEPRESSION , which has been lurking behind me all this while...

decides to attack me now?

Had another DEJA-VU.

It's scary to think ,

that all these...

were meant to happen...

I burst into tears.

I surprised both myself and sis.

She had this startled, confused, a teeny-weeny amused expression.

"Wah, imagine if you're really under a REAL break-up"

I was giggling nervously about my silliness too.

Ouch ouch ouch....

For it to hurt this bad,

surely there is an important lesson for me to learn.

Tonight, during my mamak session with friend

- my mind was entirely on my recently made ex-job.

EVERY topic that we discussed, my mind automatically relate it to my ex-job.

yes, I'm behaving like I have just broken up.

I should have known

In retrospect,
I worked in that restaurant for 4 months.


No wonder it was the same smell.

Yes, I am no longer employed.

"You are not anywhere near Advertising."

wah lau...


It has been 7 years since I've cried this hard and this bad.

**********************

One day has passed.
All that is playing in my head is,

"nothing's broken, nothing's broken but my heart...."

the results of my personality test...

"creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant..."
- INFJ Jung Type Descriptions

couldn't connect the dots

He first wrote down the keywords.

Then , he linked them together...

OMG OMG

Great minds think alike??

When was the last time you saw a grown-up man get teary over a woman?

He was telling me about a HongKong singer who was very dear to him.

He was an ardent fan since he was 7 years old.

He could tell me stories about
- her relationships with producers and other artists.
- her change of fashion and singing style.
- the exact year of her concerts and albums.
and of course his personal experience meeting up with her during meet-the-fans sessions.

Towards the end of his story,
his eyes was red.

I can't help but feel touched.
so so touched.

I'm sure many women out there would be too...

I was chided for being Immature.

I know I'm immature.

But to be chided by HER?

No way I'm going to follow her style of maturity...

bleh...

I had a very odd dream this morning.
I checked it on dreammoods online.
this is what it has to say ...


Sunrise

To see the sunrise in your dream, represents new beginnings, renewal of life and energy, and fulfillment of your goals and purpose. It may also denote that you are about to embark on a new adventure in your personal life.

To see a rainbow in your dream, signifies much hope, success and good fortune in the form of money, prestige, or fame. The rainbow is a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self.

Lunch was at a place as hot as hell...

Heat gets to me.

I was feeling really blue.

Wondering if I’m ever going to feel secure.

Was thinking of going back to journalism, when suddenly a really stupid piece of real-life journalistic news reached me.

Argh… there has got to be more in life.

Descartes - dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.

“I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am”

I don’t quite follow.

I can't connect the DOTS together.

There is this UNwritten theory , rhyme and reason to how this works...

But I just can't connect them...

It can't be taught... can't be given...perhaps a little direction (if u're lucky)

but it can only be

FOUND.

Mistakes happen daily.
I make my share and I don’t forgive myself easily.

You know, the NGs of the movies are usually very funny.

We would very easily be amused by the actors’/ production’s mistakes.

Why? Mainly because we know how it should have been, and more importantly, we know that they overcame all that mistakes and had produced an excellent work.

It’s a happy ending.

What about our real lives?
How many of us can actually look behind us and recap our mistakes with amusement?
If not, does that mean that we haven’t reached a happy ending of our lives?
If yes, does that mean that we have?

how to measure importance?

How do you measure the things that are most important to you?

What is the scale?

Apparently the number of years a relationship is formed isn't quite relevant, - so I've heard.

All the boyfriend-girlfriend breakups I've heard confirmed this.

Even bad marriages...

How do we measure the intangible ? the matters of the heart?

if we don't measure at all, there must be some sort of relative comparison.

How else do we know if it's important at all?

I was at the traffic light.
I could see the heated argument between a very youthful couple in front me.

It was like watching a reality tv-show, minus the audio.

I met them again at the next traffic light.
What a coincidence that they stopped in front of me again.

This time, I saw the female leaned towards the boyfriend.
he then reciprocated the affection and kissed her forehead.


Awww......

Watched 'Love and Honor', mainly because Yasmin Ahmad stated that she watched it 3 times and cried each time.

It wasn't bad, nor was it exactly 'good'.

But the title is really self-explanatory....
It's really about Honor... Love? a bit lar..

Mejar is leaving.


I have more than two months to say goodbye.

He was the first colleague to greet me on my first day.

He was the guy who introduced me around.

He was the guy who taught me the unwritten office rules.

He was the guy who amused me so much with his choice of iTune music blasting in the office.

He was the first ...

I'm going to miss him so so much.


The replacement has very huge shoes to fill. (taken from Devil Wears Prada)

I wonder what great antic- surprises from the new replacement 'artist' awaits me ...

It's something I have to look forward to.

I don't do well with changes.

And yet, the only thing that is certain

ARe




CHANGES...

The opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.

The opposite of art is not ugliness, it's indifference.

The opposite of faith is not heresy, it's indifference.

And the opposite of life is not death, it's indifference.


Elie Wiesel - Romanian-born author.

I had dinner with two college friends.

I was sipping tea like it's my last meal on earth.

Last night, unsurprisingly- I couldn't sleep at all.


During our chats ....
I probed a question,

"where do you see yourself in ten years?"

of course we had great laughs about it.

But honestly, all of us knew ---

nothing is impossible.

You hurt me.

You did nothing, but still... I'm hurt.

There is no rhyme nor reason to it.

And I hate it.
I hate that I now understand the song lyrics ,

" And it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust "




Obviously, the problem is with me.

I had a plate of rice,

a bowl of laksa,

a bowl of tau foo fa,

a whole mooncake,

a packet of popcorn.

all after 9pm...

Yes, I was that...

depressed...

I went around the office,

"I'm going to get fired, I'm going to get fired..."

You see, it has been 3 days straight since I've actually got SOMETHING solid to do.

I really feel like a redundant, very dispensable.


Of course, everyone is very annoyed with me.

In a good-nature way.

3 for the price of 2 - a common booksale promotion.

My books were priced, Rm8, Rm8, Rm8, Rm10, Rm15, Rm20 respectively.

I had carefully selected my books because I wanted the Rm10 one to be free.
But the cashier insisted that I pay the Rm10 and am only entitled to get the Rm8 free.
I was surprised, and I explained that it doesn't make sense.
What if I pay them separately?
Paying all the three Rm8 together - which is only Rm16 to get the third one free.
And then, paying the latter group which entitles me to the Rm10 one free. She would still have to do it my way.

The cashier said, "Well, yes... you can... but NO ONE does that."
"Sure they do. I 've worked in Borders before. And they don't even need to do so. The computer auto detects in order for this promotion to be fair to the customers."
Cashier rolled her eyes and just continued with my first transaction.

It was really very UNpleasant.
I just don't get some people sometimes...
It wasn't because of the mere Rm2 save.
I just needed things to make sense... that's all...
too much to ask?

One of the staff left recently.

When the secretary updated the phone extension number directory, she left his spot as 'vacant'.


During lunch :

"Hey, who is this new staff we have downstairs?"
"Yes, and what an odd name he has."
"Yes, it's really weird... what is it ... err...."


"Vacant?", I answered.

They all agreed and proceeded to make fun of the name.

I couldn't stand the guessing games anymore.

I asked the most reliable, experienced, decent male colleague

THE QUESTION that has been bugging me for more than a month.

His answer was as impactful as a triple shot Expresso.

" Do you really think he's .... ?"

******

If this doesn't awaken me, nothing will.

Great quotes I read from the 'storyteller's' blog.


“How vain it is to sit down to write, when you have not stood up to live.” - Henry David Thoreau, 1817 - 1862

“Painting cannot be taught,” Picasso himself once said, “it can only be found.


“A man travels the world in search of what he needs, and returns home to find it.” – George Moore, 1873 - 1958

Don't ever dare tell me that I can write well or that my English is good.

Today, I've made so so so many mistakes

- that I've disgraced my job title.


I ran to my colleague who is also a good friend.

She advised me that I should just toughen up and learn as much as possible.


She's right.

There has always been an uncomfortable courteous formality between us.

As we were working closely today, I thought I could use this opportunity to open up and talk.

"Do you think I'm weird?"


In a heartbeat,

"YES."
- without even looking away from the computer screen.

I giggled.
A nervous giggle.

I don't know how to continue from there.

I had to ask.

I just had to.

My father gave very disappointing answers.
Words that I've heard TOO many times.

But, this was new...

"I'm just a man. I know I've done many wrong things. Let us not talk about reasons anymore.
Let's talk about 'qing' -affections ."

" Don't yearn for your family's love and acceptance anymore. Instead, love yourself .
You have the rest of your life to do that. And you must."


I gulped down the tears that were coming.

Rama is heartbrokened.

Her boyfriend of 5 years dumped her,

saying that he can't make her happy and he had stopped loving her a long time ago... all the cliche...

Poor Rama, had to hold back her tears and rush for the pitch, at work

Taking toilet breaks to cry her eyes out ...

When she poured out to me,

I could only look her into her eyes and sympathize,,,
- there are no right words to say..

In my mind ? MEN ARE BEASTS !!!

Last night , I endured hours of exhausted waiting just for that momentary splendour.

And yes, it was worth it.

Gosh,

fireworks are so so so beautiful.

I clasp my hands and was in great awe of the beauty.




ahhhhhhh.....

I'm now in office, working... but can still feel the celebration in my heart.

" I know you think about me too.

You talk about me again and again."



Shit...

I went out for dinner with my colleagues for the first time.


We went separate ways and I found myself dining alone with my female colleague.

Something slipped my mouth.
She asked.
I answered.

One thing lead to another.
I ended up telling her more than I should have.

Poured too much out.

I really didn't mean to.

I know that I shouldn't be carrying this emotional burden.
But I really don't know how to 'manage' it.

On my way home, I found these thoughts in my mind.

" You almost killed me. You almost killed all of us. But I've survived. Unexpectedly. I may not turn out to be great. But I will be fine. I will live. And I will do my little part in this world. I will be contributive. I will be a useful person. And you will forever be the insignificant evil part of life"

It's a quiet morning.

Yes, of course I've noticed.

Yes, of course I'm playing dumb.

Yes, of course I'm flattered.

Yes, of course I've thought about it.

And..

Yes, it DOES mean rejection.



What else can I do?

Today it finally happened.

I knew that I would 'have it'.

I just knew it.




Made a huge boo boo.
Even the mildest-tempered colleague yelled at me.


Then, as I tried to put everything back in retrospection.
I realised that it happened not because of Murphy's Law.

But simply because,

I had let it.

I prayed, you know.

"I'm not afraid of you. Oh Lord, be with me."


But in the end, I had to back down.
I walked away.

I wonder...


Would I be able to recognise what type of enemies are not mine to challenge in future?


How I wish that I'm able to identify them clearly.

6 a.m

I was taking my morning walk.

Suddenly, I noticed a black dog in front of me.

I stopped.
It stopped too.
Looked at me, unmoving.

It's dark, and there's no one else.
I didn't have a stick, nothing.
It could easily tore me into pieces.

I moved to the utmost side of the road.
It moved towards me, growling...

I walked backwards, but kept an eye contact with it.
Backward steps...

Luckily, it didn't follow me.
I was relieved when I reached a vicinity with bright lights and people.

I'm thanking my angel.

We sang all the Disney movie-cartoon theme songs that we could remember.

Beauty and the Beast.
Little Mermaid.
Aladdin.
Pocahontas.

Then it was Celine Dion, Fergie, Mariah Carey....

We really belted it out.

We were shameless.




We were in the office.

at 8pm.

Eddie and Eddrien have returned.

The emptiness is immediately felt.


*******************************************

I have been thinking of 'him' since Friday.

Oh God, what does this mean?

But my feet are still very much grounded.

I know . I know .

And yet, there's something troubling me.

I heard THE most flattering comment just now.

Even though I doubt it very much, it's really good for my EGO to linger on it.

Let it rub unto me for awhile.



Afterall, a little boost of confidence or (vanity, hehehe)

is the best make-up a woman can ask for.

"The nature will never change!"

"To change IS nature!"


a beautiful quote from RATATOUILLE

Eddie and Eddrien are here.

They make me so happy.

Having children in the house is like having toppings on your ice-cream.

It's just so different.

So, happily different.

You are The High Priestess

Science, Wisdom, Knowledge, Education.

The High Priestess is the card of knowledge, instinctual, supernatural, secret knowledge. She holds scrolls of arcane information that she might, or might not reveal to you. The moon crown on her head as well as the crescent by her foot indicates her willingness to illuminate what you otherwise might not see, reveal the secrets you need to know. The High Priestess is also associated with the moon however and can also indicate change or fluxuation, particularily when it comes to your moods.

***
I can't seem to run away from my fate with the MOON.

Have you ever felt BAD?
The 7 deadly sins package.

You know it's bad.
You don't like it.
But you can't help it.

and to a certain extend,

you relish it...


then, ask for forgiveness..... yikes..

I’m seated, wondering what I want.; what I’m doing.

I never like looking at myself in the mirror, fearing of my own perception, interpretation.

No one could possibly hate me more than myself.

For the first time since the tragedy,

my father expressed regret of what he did and didn't do back in 2003/2004 .

So far, he is the only family member who has admitted responsiblity.

It took him so long to realise, so long to admit it, so long to compensate it.

So long,

that now I wonder, if it mattered at all he said it.


..........................
Yes. It still does.

I told my dad that my colleague asked if I was lesbian.

"Aiyo, where can... Lesbians groom themselves well."

My sister nodded.

I"m feeling really really really guilty.

I'm always torn apart whenever I'm approached by beggars.

To give or not to give.

I read a very convincing article about us giving to beggars is more about maintaining our own image than about really GIVING.

The author made a very good point that if we are truly benevolent,
why aren't we doing the many OTHER things in life?

There are so many other proper and more effective ways of being charitable.

I thought I was convinced.


Today, at lunch, I was approached by this very pitiful looking old man.
Really pitiful looking.

I turned him away.
Honestly, if my colleagues weren't there, I would have given him something.
But it was due to my image.
I didn't want to let my image of 'gullible girl' to be reinforced.

Why oh Why do I still feel so bad?

In car with Rama, West and Wtress.

Rama was goofing around with West, as if making a point that she can drive with the most minimal attention.

Music was blasting techno songs, Wtree was lip-synching.

Everybody was in good mood, including myself.

I looked around.

I wondered.

What is their interpretation of SORROW and DESPAIR ?

In such midst of hedonism, can they still see the reality outside the car?

or perhaps the reality they need to face is never outside the boundaries of the car?

or, they have split-personalities?

It is scary how I can relate to this card given to me via electronically,

'You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition."

What is God's wisdom?
Which part of our messed-up world is from God?

My personal answer is,

" The sanctity of it is lost the moment men tries to define as to what constitutes as Godly and unGodly"


I feel superior power all around me.
So as long as I'm equipped with humility and responding alertly to my senses, the 'magic' is all around me.


The simplest gesture,
the plainest sight,
the most common words,
the most ordinary smell
or the most regular sound...


If we sense them deeper, with our hearts...


You'll be surprised...

I asked my colleagues, "If you could have a conversation with a person who is no longer in this world, who would you choose?"


1- Doraemon

2- Sailormoon


I giggled.
But I wondered if they understood just how funny their answers were.

I told this incident to my friends.
They jokingly warned me that I might be 'dumbed' down by them.

Their choice?

Buddha and Jesus.

Aren't I lucky to be surrounded by a huge spectrum of personalities?

I had never dared to listen to NYMAN's "The Heart Asks Pleasure First/ The Promise" from the film THE PIANO for a VERY VERY long time.

I had played this song over and again during my darkest solitary hours of my life.

Since crawling out of that darkness, I tried hard to put everything behind me.

Therefore, listening to it gives me the chills. Like being kissed by the Harry Potter's DEMENTORS.


But today,

after several months...

I'm now playing it ... putting it on REPEAT mode.


I'm alright.

I'm going to be ALRIGHT.

Watched Jack Neo's 'Just Follow Law'.

At the end, he asked, "Is it important that they retrieve back their own original souls? Afterall, how many of us actually possess the right souls in our own bodies?"

I made myself disappear for almost a year.
Yesterday, I rejoined my badminton poss`e.

I was asked, why wasn't I in the scene...

I'm not the type who can lie convincingly...
Just said, 'busy'.

But I really had a great time yesterday.

Now, I'm comfortably seated at my friend's room.
Very very very comfy...
Air-conditioned room, unlimited Internet access, abundance food and loads of great music. The hostess is really sweet.

Ah, the closest I'll ever be to heaven.

I wonder how life would be like for me had I grew up in a peaceful welcoming environment like this.

What kind of person would I turn out to be?


Definitely a more balanced one, a happier one...

It was after lunch.
I sat down, exhaled.

Then, I saw her approaching him.
Handing something out of a case.
Looks real neat.
She says something.
He nods.
She hands it over to him.
She turns around and walks away.


Awwwwwwwwwwwwwww........

I found myself smiling ear to ear to the computer monitor.
was just savoring the moment...

"If you mind so much what other people say about you, then change la.

But you don't want to change, then you will have to ignore what other people say.

You can't have both ways."




** My sister is very wise.

I have a close friend-colleague who took the risk of telling me one very disturbing flaw of mine.
She told me that I have this really annoyingly rude habit of ignoring her when we're already half way in a conversation.

I think I do realise this.
I know that I must overcome this horrible short-coming of mine or else, like what she said, "she'll pinch the sense out of me!"

Would you be interested to know how I developed this habit?

I grew up in the midst of very strong opinionated family members.
My parents especially, wouldn't tolerate having their children having a different opinion from them.
Therefore, I grew up keeping quiet no matter what rubbish is being said to me.
I developed the ultimate habit of shutting out the words thrown to me the moment my subconscious mind detects irrelevancy.

Automatically, my concentration shuts down and my mouth will keep a very tight lid; not even uttering the most basic audible response.

Yes, that was the kind of 'effective' communication my family has taught me.
This method has now so strongly hold root in me, that...

I have to reprogram my entire communication skill altogether.
I mean, just how many times can I explain this story to?
Would you excuse me?

today is too extraordinary.

For the first time in my life,
I truly feel that I'm surrounded by a group of talents.

They have the 'extra' eye for the finer things in life.
The finer things that I've never even looked at, let alone analyse them.


W-O-W

*I took this photo for 2 reasons.
a- I was viewing this performance from the water reflection. It gave me a very aesthetic feeling.

b- I never want to forget that my job is better than this performers. I really felt empathy when I was watching them. It must be hard to perform like this every week in front of a bunch of unappreciative foreigners for such low wages.


"Hun, you're not like us...

You're ... you're... you're...

so pure..."



?????????????????

I was told several times that I behave much younger than my actual age.

Last night, I had to take this comment on a heavier note.

A good colleague said, "You're 26, not 21. Why you ..."





It stings till now.... and I don't imagine the wound will heal anytime soon.

One senior colleague is quite eccentric.
His behaviour towards me is quite cold and I had assumed all along that I must have long gone to his bad books.

Today, as I was joking with my closer colleagues, he said something which I couldn't understand.

It was ambiguous and I immediately took it the negative way.

I was very sad after that because I thought that incident have confirmed my suspicions of how much he dislikes me.

Suddenly, he looked over my shoulder and asked what I was reading.

"Aiya, don't read that rubbish. Read this."
He passed a very renowned Advertising book to me.

I was so touched, I was ....

all I could think of was...

He doesn't hate me!!!

The longer we continue to make the wrong decisions, the more our heart hardens; the more often we make the right decisions, the more our heart softens -- or better perhaps, becomes alive."
-- Eric Fromm: The Heart of Man





**When do I know if I've made the right decision?

When I look behind, I have so many regrets and yet I know I couldn't have had it other way.

*the world's largest roller-skate restaurant. Hardly impressed. I thought 'WE' get to skate and not just the waiters*


Boss was very very dissatisfied with the copy I wrote.
He raised his voice, which rarely happens.
I quickly replied, "ok ok I change" several times.

As I was hurrying the changes at 7pm , Boss came to my table with two sentences written on a piece of paper.
"Hun, this is a rough idea what I want. You don't have to be so 'formal'. Just write like you're talking to a friend."

I was nodding my head vigorously. "ok ok ok. I'll try"

Boss said, " I know you can do it."

EEeee... Boss is so nice! He was under tremendous stress, juggling with tons of accounts and yet he took the trouble to come talk to me!!
I felt and still feel so bad, wondering if I had reacted such a way that my own Boss felt obliged to approach me ah???


Hun...... Jia you.. !!

* a view of Chao Phraya river from the first restaurant we ate upon arrival in Bangkok*



I helped my female colleague confess her feelings to an attached (but obviously still very much available) male colleague.

It was so weird.
Both was on MSN messenger and I had to copy and paste one another's messages unto the other. (Yes, they were aware of it).

But after this, my burden is released.
She can now talk to him DIRECTLY.

I admire her guts.
To so openly express how she feels towards a man whom she'll bump into everyday at work.

WOW...

Naïveté, a French loanword indicating the state of lacking experience, understanding or sophistication.



After having read several of my blog entries, tell me honestly.

Would you categorise me under the word, - Naïveté?






I still can't believe I'm that.... gullible.

Oh God, please... give me more sense..

Today, after a very very long break (more than a year), I held my racket again.
I played with church friends in her Kelana Jaya condo.
I was very hesistant at first, but I just couldn't reject her anymore.

Wah lau, all the badminton feel good spirit came back.
The joy of getting points, laughing at the friends,, making jokes..
Ah... the joy of badminton.
Even the bath after all that sticky sweat felt extra good

5 for rm20

5 for rm12

1 for 1/3 of original price.

Total = Indefinite Satisfaction

What's meant to be, is meant to be.

Upon finishing this book, Messages from Michael; I felt very much obliged to share it with a friend.

Usually, I'd like to keep good books, but I felt a strong urge to share this good book with him.
I posted him the book.

Today, at the warehouse sale, I saw it again.
I bought it again for only one fifth of the price I paid the first time.

My colleague asked me why on earth would I want this photo.
Can you guess?

These happy faces do reflect my state of ecstasy in the airport.
But what I was doing?
I was writing.
Can you find me?

I really took the effort to dress up this morning.

I looked at myself in the mirror.
So different.

A part of me criticizes myself for being so vain.
Another, compliments me for daring to opt for a different look.

Inside me, I know I feel good.
This feeling reminds me of stories about women who began feeling better about themselves;
just because they put on make-up.

Old women in foster home who were suffering from depression, reacted well when the therapist encourages them to put on make up.
It was like miracle.
The women were suddenly smiling at their reflections.

Another story.
I read in Kabul, the women still defiantly put on make-up despite being forced to wear a burqa all the time.
The reason is actually for themselves, and nothing more.
They wanted to retain a little identity of themselves as a method of keeping their spirits alive.

Ah, who would have guessed that make-up can be so powerful?

**6 a.m. waiting for the first train to arrive**

Thanks Mel,
Thank you so so so much.
For the past few days, I had inner conflicts.

Really unsure of my own stance.
The fact that I didn’t have any backbone didn’t help.
That’s why I’m really glad to have gone out with Mel last night.
She reaffirmed with me that my thoughts over a few issues were right.
And that I need not feel guilty about it.

Isn’t it a blessing to have an angel in human disguise as a friend?
Someone who is so well-disguised?
*Hehehe

First day back in office.
Everyone seems to be able to adjust themselves quickly back to their professional life.

Now, Mejar looks at me in a peculiar manner.
I hope it's of remorse and nothing else.

There are many things that happened back there which I doubt I could verbalise it justificably to a friend in real life.

I'm glad I have an online friend to fulfill my much needed 'therapeutic' emotional venting in me.

There's a new staff in the studio. I'm no longer the newest staff!!
It does feel good.
At least, I could trick ONE staff there into thinking I actually "belong" there. hahaha

much needed comfort

****At about 6 a.m in Bangkok, view from hotel room****


The moment I came home, I saw sis.

"Did you had fun?"
"Yeah, I tell you all about it later. I"m now too dirty and tired.Need to bathe first."
Rushed up without saying anything else.

After my bath, I couldn't contain it anymore and went downstairs, interrupting my sis's telly watching.

"Jie, I tell you something ah... You promise don't tell anybody ah. It's about my trip..."

After my story, I was very much comforted that my sister shared my horror of the experience.
I couldn't answer her questions,
"Why lar? Were they really drunk? Who organised wan?"
For the first time in 3 days, I wasn't alone in my opinion.

After a few minutes I tucking myself into bed, I knocked my sis's door and took an extra pillow from her room.

Half asleep-ing ly, "I need an extra pillow to hug lar. I too traumatised."

My sis was very sympathetic, "Aiyo, poor thing..."

Interpretation.

This is the main key to effective communication.

Everyone has their own style, rule and standards.

How do we reach a compromise?

And more importantly,

Is there ever a time where we could justify our stand in NOT compromising?

I'm currently at the lobby, waiting for the tour bus, waiting to regroup.
This is my last time walking on the grounds of this lobby.

The internet here is quite ok.

Unfortunately, the service was a bit slow.
Waiting for the staff to initiate my logging in, took off a great deal of time .
Thus, now not much left for me to put my thoughts down without hurry.

Thailand is a great nation.
The people are resilient and proud of their identity.

I had been diligently reading the Bangkok post and am pleased that I've learned a little more about their country according to their version of news reporting.

I know this is very cliche, but I have learnt more about myself here as a person than what I've experienced as a Malaysian tourist.

Blend in, or at least be unnoticed, because the nail that is sticking out gets hammered on.

My group leader kept asking me if I'm alright.
My continuous smiles and nods didn't seem to have convinced him.
Generally, everyone here has been extraordinarily accomodating towards me.

And yet,




I cried my eyeballs out last night.
What is wrong with me?

I just have to blog in Bangkok.
Come on, I'm here.
Being away from Malaysia for the very first time.

It's the THE opportunity.

I"ve been a pain.
A real pain.

Remember my story about me sticking out like a sore thumb?
Now, it's an understatement.

Yes, I'm a very negative person.
I was brought up based on Murphy's Law.

Compliments rarely come by and I was taught that I didn't deserve any.

Yesterday, my father came to visit.
"Hun, you look prettier..."
"Really? Maybe it's because I'm happier".

Last night, my sis interrupted me in a middle of a conversation outside a bank, "Eh, Hun... yeahlar, you DO look prettier."

Whatever this craze is going,

I'm enjoying it...!!

Bangkok! I'm coming!!

Here I am, at 10pm, still in office.
Stucked at the dead end, on two assignments.
Can't think of any more names.
Can't get myself out of the BOX!

Can I do this?
Will I be fine?
Am I going to be fine?

Oh Lord, what's in store for me?

Yesterday, my sis and I were talking.
She is having some trouble at work.

She said, "Well, I'll just have to hang on a little while longer."
I replied,

"Funny. The last time I told myself that, I got mad."

2 Corinthians 4;16 -Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweights them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen , but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

Would you believe me if I told you this verse came to me in a vision back in 2000, whilst I was in a conference. It just came to my mind.

Years later, I bumped into this verse. I wondered if everything was planned by the Man above?

All of a sudden, as if we were already in a middle of a conversation, I said,

"I might not be able to recognise myself this time next year ."

My confused friend, "Err,, Oh...... Kay."

Actually, I just let out the conclusional part of my self-thoughts.
In my mind, I was recalling how low I felt last Friday when I sat in the same table with the rest of the female colleagues.
Account Execs, Media Buyers, Graphic Designers...
All so hip, gorgeous, fashionable, mature, fit into the picture like a perfect puzzle piece.

But me? Sticking out like a sore thumb.
Then, I was thinking....
Ok..., maybe I can change a little here and there.
Change for the better.
Change only if I'm comfortable and happy with the sort of changes I make.
I continued with my own thoughts when suddenly, I blurted out

"I might not be able to recognise myself this time next year."

I accompanied my sister to a shelter home.
I brought some chocolates and sweets.

There were only two of us.
A very energetic 8-year-old asked me,
"Are there more coming, and will they come again?"
My heart broke.
He's enquiring about people whom he hasn't met, but he's more interested to know if they're the type who will come again.

I sat there for a few minutes and saw another group of people stopping buy , giving generous offerings of groceries.

A few minutes later, another came.

I sat there, realising that the children doesn't lack food.

They lack attention.
Here, people just come and go.
Hardly any who would consistently be around them, paying attention to them, as individuals.

Oh Lord, please remind me of what I have wished for today.

Please remind me.

We were sitting on the sofa waiting for the very much anticipated Ugly Betty. - I let out a girlie-excited squel when Henry said, "Oh, I always know it's you when you say 'It's Me', on the phone." "You make my mouth dry too"

#Ong Chee Leong and Ying Ying’s mother Jess Teh has been charged with murdering Shearwey Ooi Ying Ying, three, whose brutal death stunned the nation. #

My friend commented, " The cruelest act inflicted upon you can only be by your own family, what more your own mother. "

I kept quiet. I know she reads my blog.
I wonder if she realised , I had been saying that several times- in various ways, about my own family's cruelty. Mostly about my mother. When instead of birthright love, I redeemed insane confusion from people who were supposed to love me most.

Having read this, she now understands the awkward silence.

What I learnt was to write as much as possible.
Editing is always easier than adding.

When I presented my script to my group, there was a real awkward situation as they have never faced someone like me before.
So totally out of their own circle.

It turned out, I had used a whole different style they wanted.
They said that the English I used is too 'formal'.

I'm really OK with the comments.
To me, they're little steps to better myself.
However, due to my blur facial expression, I'm worried that they might think otherwise.

I have postponed this entry for a very long time.
It has been suggested on my mind several times but I dismissed the thought.

Now, I changed my mind.
I want to blog about it.

When I write, my mind focuses on the choice of words and flow of thoughts.
Little or none is on grammar and tense of the sentence.
Most of the time, when I'm done typing, I merely check spelling and that's it, click -*publish post* FINITO.

Therefore, I'm not surprised to find language rule mistakes when I reread my old posts.

Embarrassed-yes,

Sorry-no.

My approach towards writing has always been this way.
Back in college, I wrote an essay - Beautiful Sue -written on 24th http://teasips.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_archive.html

This essay was meant as an entry to join a contest. That's why I did it in a few minutes. I even got the names of the character mixed up when I repeated them later in the essay. Grammar mistakes were abundant.

My friend read it and took that as the core reference of my standard of English. I kept explaining to her that I can take a grammar test and even score better than her.
But all fell to deaf ears.
I didn't mind.
Until..................

The results of the final English term paper was out.
I was the only one in class to get an 'A'.
Most people will just let it go because it's really not that significant.
But that friend claims that there's something seriously wrong with the examiner, because she's got a 'B' and I an 'A'.
And she's seriously-note the emphasis ,considering to appeal for reexamination of the paper.
Yes, she said that to my face.
Repeatedly.

Can you believe that we are still friends?

We were asking each other what is our favourite time of the day.

A friend shared that being alone on the toilet throne gives her great peace.
Another that 7pm makes him feel calm and glad that the day is almost over.

I didn't think much of it then.

But today, each time I was in the toilet, I kept recalling my friend's explanation. And I find myself agreeing totally to what she said.

7pm had just passed.

I'm glad we had that discussion.
Now, I shall be reminded of the daily joys that are easily available to me.

I fell asleep holding the praying rosary in my right hand last night.

In my dreams, there was a dog who was initially very friendly suddenly bit my right hand, refusing to let go.
I remember that everyone was panicking but I was calm.

The dream is too extraordinary, because when I woke up, I felt very strange. So much, that I had to check up the dream dictionary.

It interprets -" that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. "

I don't know what to think............

A fortune teller once told me that I'm too 'straight' - literal translation from Chinese.
I don't bend enough to fit into the crooked lifestyle that is inevitable in today's world.

I went to the Chinese Medical shop last night and asked that he recommend something for my cough.
I bought what he recommended without question.
When I'm home, my mother told me that both my traditional medicine has expired.
I inspected and to my great disappointment, I discovered she's right.

I had trusted that shopkeeper. And he had used that against me, just to make a few bucks.

Later that night, I met up with M and told her about a certain controversy that's taking place in the office.
I told her that I don't see what's the big fuss about.
But I agree with her that I'm far too naive.
There are a certain ugliness about human nature that doesn't seem to sink into me.

Another incident comes to mind.
Years ago, I bought a cake with cracks on top of the cream layer.
I asked the sales assistant what's with the cracks.
Any fool would know that the cracks happened because it isn't fresh anymore and prolonged refrigeration had caused the smooth surface to crack.
But she said, "Oh, it's supposed to be like this. Part of the design."
Like a 2-year-old , I believed her.
And bought the cake.

Now, having lived a few years more.

Have I finally learnt my lesson?

“The basis of shame is not some personal mistake of ours, but the ignominy, the humiliation we feel that we must be what we are without any choice in the matter, and that this humiliation is seen by everyone.”
Milan Kundera (Czech Novelist, Playwright and Poet, b.1929)

Another great quote I learnt from Criminal Minds, the series.

I, like many other ladies my age, do hope to fall in love, start a family and be happy like in the book.

But how could I?

How a person like me dare start a relationship?

And when I truly like someone, or when I truly care for someone, I would definitely want the best for him.

I don't see myself anything remotely close to the best.

I'll just have to look away.

In the office, bad words like F***, B****,S***,T*** is very very common.
They use it as often as words like 'you' and 'me'.

I don't think they have any bad agenda , it's just a way of communication for them.
And I never hold that against them.

Just now, something very unexpectedly and inconveniently FELL from its origin place.

I cursed.
The very same word that is always used in the office.

Sigh... I'm so susceptible.

But I still hold myself fully responsible.

I visited my father yesterday.
We've not seen each other for 2 months.
He's got a new hair cut.
I found him chatting with an elderly native Chinese couple.
Not only is my father Chinese-ed, he speaks with great flair.
Therefore, the couple thought my father must have been educated up to tertiary level.
My father let out a nervous snort and explain that he was never such.

My mind travelled.
I would immediately agree that my father is very intelligent.
He can recall the exact month and year of events that have taken place so long ago , that you wouldn't dare rebut.
He has great mathematical skill and talent of twisting one's sentence into something very manipulative or if you're lucky, simply funny.

But my father is hardly wise. - I'm sure you'd know the difference.

I see the same mal-used talent in my brother and sister.

I fear so much that the legacy also runs within me.

A curse of the family?