George Bernard Shaw —
'You use a glass mirror to see your face; you use works of art to see your soul.'
Wednesday, August 12, 2015
My struggle with mental illness is out in the open.
The whole office knows.
I think it should matter, but it's the issue that least bother me right now.
Some better colleagues seem more caring and sensitive.
Two, even opened up and shared with me their own personal struggles.
Tzl teared up when she was narrating her story.
She is among the most capable staff in the office and I was in disbelief how little she viewed herself.
I tried to assure her.
"你已经做的够好. 很好.超好. 真的."
"You have done so well. Exquisitely well. Really."
I can't help but feel ashamed.
Tzl is fighting all these and yet she could achieve what she has achieved.
Then, I realised something.
I have heard similar praises about myself too.
But I always brush them off too fast, not even letting these validation to gravitate for a moment.
I think we all need to be kinder to ourselves.
We need to look in the mirror and acknowledge that we have done 'OKAY'.
I like this photo of myself at work. My colleague wanted an artistic pic of the cake, but I somehow got into the shot in one of her failed attempts.
Tuesday, August 11, 2015
I don't know if it's due to the medication or my pre-existing condition, I'm always very sleepy in the morning.
Absolutely Soulless.
Like I left my soul on my bed.
Many people attest to this syndrome but I worry because I had to take 3 cups of coffee this morning.
My heart was pumping.
But my head wasn't alert as I had hoped.
Something happened at workplace.
The predicted problem finally occured
The problem which I had warned again and again.
But no one listened because it wasn't my decision to make.
However, it is my responsibility to solve that problem which occur due to the decision that wasn't mine to make.
Ironic?
Nope.
It's just one of the many common classic management problems.
Any wage earner would understand.
I could blame the 3 cups of coffee but I won't.
I wasn't classy.
I wasn't professional.
I exploded.
Good thing I had the calmest colleague with me to bring me back to my senses.
Another, even came down to check on me.
When I cooled down, I admit my unprofessionalism and apologised.
She may doubt my sincerity and sanity.
That I can't control.
But at least I know that I AM sincere and sane. (still?)
Absolutely Soulless.
Like I left my soul on my bed.
Many people attest to this syndrome but I worry because I had to take 3 cups of coffee this morning.
My heart was pumping.
But my head wasn't alert as I had hoped.
Something happened at workplace.
The predicted problem finally occured
The problem which I had warned again and again.
But no one listened because it wasn't my decision to make.
However, it is my responsibility to solve that problem which occur due to the decision that wasn't mine to make.
Ironic?
Nope.
It's just one of the many common classic management problems.
Any wage earner would understand.
I could blame the 3 cups of coffee but I won't.
I wasn't classy.
I wasn't professional.
I exploded.
Good thing I had the calmest colleague with me to bring me back to my senses.
Another, even came down to check on me.
When I cooled down, I admit my unprofessionalism and apologised.
She may doubt my sincerity and sanity.
That I can't control.
But at least I know that I AM sincere and sane. (still?)
Monday, August 10, 2015
Today is one of the better days.
I am thankful.
Last Friday was not.
A friend from church told me to call her every morning- she wanted to make sure that I do GET to work.
I did call her.
But something was very very dark in me.
Like nothing matters .
Nothing matters anymore.
Not my job, not my life, where I'm heading.
So basically after my usual morning bath, I just sat on my bed.
It was not self pity.
It was just numbness.
I silent my phone and went back to sleep.
An hour later, I was awaken by the sound of the door bell, which I didn't even know existed.
The church friend actually CAME to my place, and drove me to work.
She had never been to my place and had to make several calls to find me.
With all that numbness, I wasn't capable of much emotion.
But if any, it was all shame and gratitude.
What an odd mixture.
As I had already missed 2 days of work, many people came to my seat place to show their concern.
Some genuine, some not so genuine.
A colleague - one whom I don't get along with asked me
"How's things? Are you feeling better?"
Well..I've lied to her so many times about having stomachaches.. fever.. all the usual suspects, but this time, I just handed her my MC which states..
(Severe depression with insomnia)
She walked away.
I didn't even care if she's the biggest office gossip monger.
That was the extend of the numbness.
My boss told the admin staff to make sure I went to work that day.
She knows that I NEED to be at work to feel better.
When she saw me, she came over, and in her kindest tone a disciplinary mentor could muster,
"You're here, you feel better, right?"
I nodded.
I related all these to my good friend M.
"Your friend went out of her way to make sure you got up and left the house. Surely it must meant you're worth the effort.
And she wasn't the only one.
Surely you must be worthy.
Don't doubt.
Accept the love"
I am thankful.
Last Friday was not.
A friend from church told me to call her every morning- she wanted to make sure that I do GET to work.
I did call her.
But something was very very dark in me.
Like nothing matters .
Nothing matters anymore.
Not my job, not my life, where I'm heading.
So basically after my usual morning bath, I just sat on my bed.
It was not self pity.
It was just numbness.
I silent my phone and went back to sleep.
An hour later, I was awaken by the sound of the door bell, which I didn't even know existed.
The church friend actually CAME to my place, and drove me to work.
She had never been to my place and had to make several calls to find me.
With all that numbness, I wasn't capable of much emotion.
But if any, it was all shame and gratitude.
What an odd mixture.
As I had already missed 2 days of work, many people came to my seat place to show their concern.
Some genuine, some not so genuine.
A colleague - one whom I don't get along with asked me
"How's things? Are you feeling better?"
Well..I've lied to her so many times about having stomachaches.. fever.. all the usual suspects, but this time, I just handed her my MC which states..
(Severe depression with insomnia)
She walked away.
I didn't even care if she's the biggest office gossip monger.
That was the extend of the numbness.
My boss told the admin staff to make sure I went to work that day.
She knows that I NEED to be at work to feel better.
When she saw me, she came over, and in her kindest tone a disciplinary mentor could muster,
"You're here, you feel better, right?"
I nodded.
I related all these to my good friend M.
"Your friend went out of her way to make sure you got up and left the house. Surely it must meant you're worth the effort.
And she wasn't the only one.
Surely you must be worthy.
Don't doubt.
Accept the love"
Tuesday, August 04, 2015
I promised the GP that I will see her again for a chat.
She wanted to know what's bothering me.
What caused the rock of depression and tornado of anxiety in me.
Whenever I show reluctance to talk about a certain type of subjects, she pushed me.
Although the whole session was hardly at professional therapy level, I did left with something to think about.
She said,
"Whenever all these negative history or feelings creep up to you, ask yourself this question.
Do you want to end up in a psych ward or you would rather be living a normal life? The answer to this will help you select your thoughts more carefully."
I befriended an ex-colleague.
She wrote this on her FB page.
****
When I lost my 2 years old son, it's indeed very difficult to "Let It Go" even I know it is much better for him in Heaven than to suffer here.
Pastor Joseph Prince encouraged me through his sermon:
"If a child got a knife, he thought it's shining, sharp, fun to play, keep on holding the knife, and don't want to "Let It Go".
Unless someone tell him, he won't know that it's dangerous.
His father bought a beautiful toy for him, but the child won't be able to play the new toy until he LET GO the knife!"
It's a very simple but practical analogy.
Unless I LET GO of Zhen Kan, I won't be able to receive the '"new toys'' - abundant blessing from God. If the child's hands are holding the knife, not only he won't have another hand to play the new toy, he may cut himself!......
If I keep on thinking and missing my son, I would deteriorate myself, and I won't have space to receive something even better from God!
The more I let go, the more blessing is on my way.
Proverbs 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell in the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
***
She wrote this on her FB page.
****
When I lost my 2 years old son, it's indeed very difficult to "Let It Go" even I know it is much better for him in Heaven than to suffer here.
Pastor Joseph Prince encouraged me through his sermon:
"If a child got a knife, he thought it's shining, sharp, fun to play, keep on holding the knife, and don't want to "Let It Go".
Unless someone tell him, he won't know that it's dangerous.
His father bought a beautiful toy for him, but the child won't be able to play the new toy until he LET GO the knife!"
It's a very simple but practical analogy.
Unless I LET GO of Zhen Kan, I won't be able to receive the '"new toys'' - abundant blessing from God. If the child's hands are holding the knife, not only he won't have another hand to play the new toy, he may cut himself!......
If I keep on thinking and missing my son, I would deteriorate myself, and I won't have space to receive something even better from God!
The more I let go, the more blessing is on my way.
Proverbs 43:18-19
"Forget the former things;
do not dwell in the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?"
***
I'm grateful I added her on FB.
I like this from depressionforums.org written by k-pluto
"I've never swam in the ocean before. I've never jumped off of a boat before. I've never not worried before.
It made me feel like there was hope.
I'll be able to get of of this depression.
I will be able to go a day without an anxiety attack.
I'll be able to do fun things I've never felt before. I'll be able to live. "
This is so encouraging.
Reminds me very much of how I felt after reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
"I've never swam in the ocean before. I've never jumped off of a boat before. I've never not worried before.
It made me feel like there was hope.
I'll be able to get of of this depression.
I will be able to go a day without an anxiety attack.
I'll be able to do fun things I've never felt before. I'll be able to live. "
This is so encouraging.
Reminds me very much of how I felt after reading The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
In the midst of one of our many thought-provoking conversations, LJ chipped,
"We see things clearer as third parties. Like yourself, you can't see how intelligent you are.
See ! You don't believe me, do you ?"
LJ has encouraged me many times to better myself.
Today, a good friend M advised me to look for job soon.
Urgently soon.
I told her I'm still struggling to get up from bed.
And that I'm trying to control my emotions and not think about my pending unemployment.
She read my lamentation as inaction.
She thought I had not began my search, or not being proactive enough.
When all was cleared out, she sheepishly apologise, fearing that I might misread her concern as intrusion.
Not at all.
I read it all as genuine care and concern from a friend.
And that's priceless.
It means a lot that some people around me feel that I'm worthy,
"We see things clearer as third parties. Like yourself, you can't see how intelligent you are.
See ! You don't believe me, do you ?"
LJ has encouraged me many times to better myself.
Today, a good friend M advised me to look for job soon.
Urgently soon.
I told her I'm still struggling to get up from bed.
And that I'm trying to control my emotions and not think about my pending unemployment.
She read my lamentation as inaction.
She thought I had not began my search, or not being proactive enough.
When all was cleared out, she sheepishly apologise, fearing that I might misread her concern as intrusion.
Not at all.
I read it all as genuine care and concern from a friend.
And that's priceless.
It means a lot that some people around me feel that I'm worthy,
especially when I am struggling with my self-worth.
They can envision me having and doing better things.
How unfortunate that I can't see any of that, at the moment.
I like this phrase I read from FB this morning.
"I thanked him for doing a good job. He just smiled.
I learn a lot from him. I need that.
Perseverance, focused and not giving up.
There is nothing fancy about his job.
Not even his attire. Nothing.
But he does it for his halal salary
This is the best that he can do. He does it well."
"I thanked him for doing a good job. He just smiled.
I learn a lot from him. I need that.
Perseverance, focused and not giving up.
There is nothing fancy about his job.
Not even his attire. Nothing.
But he does it for his halal salary
This is the best that he can do. He does it well."
Syed Azmi
Tuesday, July 28, 2015
I was reading the paper.
The 'Dear Thelma' section caught my attention.
The title, 'I hate my mother to the core' drew close proximity.
I must take the advice in the reply.
"The first thing you have to realise and accept is that you are in charge of your own behaviour...
You have to take responsibility for your own actions...
If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.
You have to stop making excuses.
If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.
You have to stop making excuses.
What you have to do now is to harness your energy and focus on something positive. You just have to stop looking at yourself as a victim, and see that you can exercise some control over your life .."
Taken from The Star
The 'Dear Thelma' section caught my attention.
The title, 'I hate my mother to the core' drew close proximity.
I must take the advice in the reply.
"The first thing you have to realise and accept is that you are in charge of your own behaviour...
You have to take responsibility for your own actions...
If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.
You have to stop making excuses.
If you can tell that these behaviours are less than desirable and you don't want to do them, you have the power to stop. You have to make that mental decision to do so. And then you have to find the discipline to stay true to your decision to stop these behaviours.
You have to stop making excuses.
What you have to do now is to harness your energy and focus on something positive. You just have to stop looking at yourself as a victim, and see that you can exercise some control over your life .."
Taken from The Star
Monday, July 27, 2015
"Depression is a way of defending yourself against overwhelming thoughts and emotions, usually generated by childhood trauma.
Anything can be a defence, she says: drinking too much, getting into abusive relationships, anger, mania, getting very stressed.
Depression is brought to bear when there’s nothing else left in your armoury.
'It’s like a blanket over feelings that are unacceptable to the conscious mind.
It absolves you of all responsibility to say ‘I have these feelings and I need to attend to them’."
Anything can be a defence, she says: drinking too much, getting into abusive relationships, anger, mania, getting very stressed.
Depression is brought to bear when there’s nothing else left in your armoury.
'It’s like a blanket over feelings that are unacceptable to the conscious mind.
It absolves you of all responsibility to say ‘I have these feelings and I need to attend to them’."
Sally Willis, theguardian.com
Saturday, July 25, 2015
Friday, July 24, 2015
LJ has been really kind to me.
She keeps pushing me to write.
"It will help you. Not just to relieve the pain, but you will discover greater things. You need this"
When I was really down.
"Go watch a movie. Read a book. Don't feel bad about feeling bad."
A masseuse who is into palm-reading and fortune telling told me that this year isn't a good year for me.
Looking at her calculations, she said,
"Things will get better when you are in your 40s, and will continue when you are in your 50s. Hmmm, but you will encounter major illness when you reach 60s".
This made me wonder about the last time I was told something similar.
She keeps pushing me to write.
"It will help you. Not just to relieve the pain, but you will discover greater things. You need this"
When I was really down.
"Go watch a movie. Read a book. Don't feel bad about feeling bad."
A masseuse who is into palm-reading and fortune telling told me that this year isn't a good year for me.
Looking at her calculations, she said,
"Things will get better when you are in your 40s, and will continue when you are in your 50s. Hmmm, but you will encounter major illness when you reach 60s".
This made me wonder about the last time I was told something similar.
Pain.
There is heaviness in my heart.
Left side of my upper body.
I'm sure there's a scientific explanation to it.
But all I know is, I'm in pain.
I have been in pain for a long time.
Pain has been my most consistent reminder of how unhappy I am.
I know that...
I'm not alone.
I'm better than this.
...things can get better.
...this will pass.
... this will return.
... again, it too will pass.
I have been in war with this for 20 years.
I have never experienced the period of my supposedly best years of my life.
My entire story of youth is about depression, anxiety, and instability.
What's next?
There is heaviness in my heart.
Left side of my upper body.
I'm sure there's a scientific explanation to it.
But all I know is, I'm in pain.
I have been in pain for a long time.
Pain has been my most consistent reminder of how unhappy I am.
I know that...
I'm not alone.
I'm better than this.
...things can get better.
...this will pass.
... this will return.
... again, it too will pass.
I have been in war with this for 20 years.
I have never experienced the period of my supposedly best years of my life.
My entire story of youth is about depression, anxiety, and instability.
What's next?
Wednesday, July 08, 2015
“It is not work that kills men; it is worry. Work is healthy; you can hardly put more upon a man than he can bear. Worry is the rust upon the blade. It is not the revolution which destroys the machinery but the friction. Fear secretes acids; but love and trust are sweet juices.”
― Henry Ward Beecher
― Henry Ward Beecher
Tuesday, July 07, 2015
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