I have mental illness. Mind clarity is rare, too briefly and often too late. Old friends and acquaintances would look away when they see me. Yup, that unpopular. Of course, I get angry and hurt but deep down, I know I’d do the same too, if I saw 'me'. That’s the icy cold papercut truth. The illness cuts even deeper. I thank you for your readership. Your presence here makes me feel less alone. This blog helps me remember my true worth as a person, and how my own mind threatens it.
Friday, November 20, 2020
Friday, November 13, 2020
Sunday, November 08, 2020
Monday, November 02, 2020
Friday, October 23, 2020
Thursday, October 22, 2020
Wednesday, October 07, 2020
These Banana Leaves-Shoots just wouldn't die.
Friday, September 18, 2020
"Wow, you made this? It looks like a decorative cake !", I commented, as I stared, impressed with the kids' work.
As I continued with my work minutes later, I noticed 2 young girls hovering beside me.
I turned to see this.
-by Cheri J.Meiners
Saturday, September 12, 2020
Friday, September 11, 2020
Monday, August 24, 2020
Sunday, August 23, 2020
Saturday, August 22, 2020
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.
Fear of what they may feel,
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.
Saturday, August 08, 2020
at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,
James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.
And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination.
One thing Johan said that struck me like an arrow through the heart was, “It could have been me.”
But then we never know. We always assume that things are okay because people with personal problems or depression hardly ever reveal much to others.
Sanjiv, also a talented musician, was retrenched from his piloting job a few months ago but those close to him didn’t realise the extent of his stress.
Johan, while friendly with everyone, is not generous with words when describing and assessing people. But in Sanjiv, he said he has lost a wonderful friend. That says a lot about the great guy Sanjiv was.
Thursday, August 06, 2020
It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama
Monday, August 03, 2020
走到这里,有些事是需要接受的,但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己,会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻,我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行!
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!
Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.
坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.
When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."
Sunday, August 02, 2020
There was an elderly interviewee who was reminiscing his younger days.
He recounted the days where he could still have ambitions.
His desolated expression resonated with me.
The documentary ended with this phrase,
Saturday, August 01, 2020
Boss decided to adjust his employment terms so that he's able to cope.
Boss is indeed compassionate.
The cleaner who was I was quite close to, suffered a stroke.
A week ago, she had complained about headaches and lethargy.
I gently advised her to rest more and not work the extra shifts.
She even regularly took side jobs as a masseuse.
I hope she gets well soon.
Tuesday, July 28, 2020
Take a deep breath
Until both sides of your heart get numb
Until it hurts a little
Let out your breath even more
Until you feel
Like there’s nothing left inside
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words
[Chorus]
Someone’s breath. That heavy breath
How can I see through that?
Though I can’t understand your breath
It’s alright I’ll hold you
[Verse 2]
It’s alright if you run out of breath
No one will blame you
It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes
Because anyone can do so
Although comforting by saying it’s alright
Are just words
Saturday, July 18, 2020
Haruma Miura was born in Ibaraki in 1990. His mother got divorced when he was a baby, which is why his family name “Miura” is her mother’s last name. His debut was at 7 as an extra on NHK’s famous morning drama “AGRI”. In 2006, acted as the boyfriend of the female hero on “14-Year-old Mother”, which made him rise to popularity. In 2007, the romantic love movie “Koizora” made him win the Japan Academy Prize for Best Rookie. “Eternal Zero” and the Broadway musical “Kinky Boots” for his role as a drag queen made him a solid star with great success in the entertainment world. He was eager to learn English and studied in England for three months in 2017. According to some source, he wanted to stay longer but his agency Amuse opposed, so Haruma needed to come back immediately afterwards.
Tuesday, July 14, 2020
是的,在这世上,有很多很多人会因为我这问题而离开我。没关系的,真的没有关系。只要有几个人好好爱我就已足够,若没有的话,自己一定要好好爱自己。精神病患者也是有尊严的,不需乞求他人的怜爱而失去了尊严。
Shì de, zài zhè shìshàng, yǒu hěnduō hěnduō rén huì yīnwèi wǒ zhè wèntí ér líkāi wǒ. Méiguānxì de, zhēn de méiyǒu guānxì. Zhǐyào yǒu jǐ gèrén hǎohǎo ài wǒ jiù yǐ zúgòu, ruò méiyǒu dehuà, zìjǐ yīdìng yào hǎohǎo ài zìjǐ. Jīngshénbìng huànzhě yěshì yǒu zūnyán de, bù xū qǐqiú tārén de lián'ài ér shīqùle zūnyán.
Yes, many people in this world will leave me because of my problem. It doesn't matter, it really doesn't matter. As long as there are a few people who love me well, it is enough. If not, you must love yourself well. People with mental illnesses have dignity too and do not need to lose ourself, begging for compassion from others.
Sunday, July 05, 2020
My dear self, Thank you and goodnight.
Thank you for your efforts
謝謝自己沒放棄
My dear self, Thank you for not giving up
謝謝你一路堅持到這裡
Thank you for persevering through
太陽依舊會升起
The sun will still rise
希望永遠不滅熄
The flame of hope will always continue
晚安了 親愛的自己
Goodnight, my dear self.
還能大口呼吸,就是幸福的
Every breath is a blessing
還能睜開眼睛,希望就能夠看見的
Hope is always available when we open our eyes,
雖然步伐是小了一點
Your pace may be slow
但我一定會走向前
But you are still moving forward
幸福得更努力一些
Continue with passion
還能夠說感謝,就一直掛嘴邊
Give thanks daily
還能夠有夢想,就要更勇敢的去追
If you can still dream, have the courage to pursue it
我親愛的寶貝,我知道你會累
My dear little one, I know you will tire
生命很困難,但記得要勇敢
Life is hard, but you must be brave
月光依然美麗
The night is still beautiful
好像每一個你
as beautiful as yourself
晚安了親愛的自己
Goodnight my dear self
Ella 陳嘉樺【晚安歌 Goodnight】Official MV
Tuesday, June 23, 2020
A little toddler caught my eye.
She doesn't know what's going on but she's happy that her siblings were so excited and that she's also part of the game.
The way the toddler looked at her older sister was priceless.
An unfathomable but trusting joy...
I learnt that Raym is leaving the company.
"I've been made redundant," he so honestly put it.
I felt so bad for him.
He is the type of man who'd tell you how blessed he was to be given a lift home,
instead of how someone had knocked his car by accident, causing him terrible inconvenience though no fault of his own.
He's the type who always focus on positive because he genuinely believes that he'd feel closer to God this way.
"Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this period will enable me to spend more time with my ageing parents," he said.
Sunday, June 21, 2020
We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.
Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.15 GMTLast modified on Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.57 GMT
I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a K-drama actor or K-pop celebrity.
On a hot August day in 2008, I was invited to appear on a TV entertainment programme hosted by actor Ahn Jae-hwan. I noticed Ahn was behaving oddly, walking nervously around the studio whenever he was off camera. He was running a business on the side, and it wasn’t doing well. He was inundated with complaints and had become the target of an online boycott and malicious comments.
I was very worried and mentioned my concern to an actress who was an old friend. “I am worried he might choose to end it all,” I told her. My actor friend said she knew his problems and that his friends and colleagues were trying to help him. Later that month Ahn took his own life.
On the day they found him, the actor and I went to the hospital where his body had been taken. She was in such a state of shock that she was unable to walk properly. The waiting photographers caught all of this. The photos ran with the caption: “Actress in shock at not being able to get the money back from dead actor.” She and other people in the industry had loaned Ahn money but the media portrayed them as loan sharks. People were looking for someone to blame for Ahn’s death, and she was the easiest target.
That actor was Choi Jin-sil, then one of the most in-demand women in the industry. Forty days after Ahn killed himself, Choi took her own life. I and a few other people had been out drinking with her just four hours before she died. I had heard her last words: “As the victim of internet hate I don’t think abusive comments should be allowed,” she had said. “I want to campaign to stop them, retire from entertainment and do charity work, like Audrey Hepburn. I’m tired of it all.”
I found out about her death at 5am the next day from her younger brother, Choi Jin-young, an actor and singer.
When I arrived at Choi’s funeral, her younger brother started hitting me, crying: “You promised to protect my sister! Why couldn’t you?” Two years later, in March 2010, he too killed himself. Three years later, in January 2013, Choi Jin-sil’s ex-husband and the father of their two children, the former baseball player Cho Seong-min, also took his own life. He had become the target of online abuse in the wake of Choi Jin-sil’s death.
Six years later, little has changed, and there has been another spike in high-profile suicides. Sulli was found dead in October, Goo Hara in November and Cha In Ha in December.
Whatever change there has been has made matters worse. I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a South Korean celebrity.
Suicide is not confined to South Korea’s entertainment industry, of course. I have reported on the scene for the past 30 years, covering 30 suicides, and I can say with absolute certainty that this is a problem for everyone in South Korean society. The statistics speak for themselves. More South Koreans kill themselves than people in other OECD countries. The figures for 2019 have yet to be published, but everyone predicts South Korea will come top yet again.
I can’t explain why so many South Korean entertainers have taken their own lives. We can’t pretend to know each motivation, whether it be money problems, relationships, family issues, declining popularity, online abuse, or any number of other factors. Attempting to explain each death would just encourage the trolls.The Korean Association of Journalists’ guidelines advise reporters not to reveal the methods people use to take their own lives, or to mention the location and motive.
When Sulli was being criticised for posting “controversial” photos on social media, I said during a TV appearance that she was seeking the public’s understanding and affection, and that her critics should take the time to try to understand her.
I too have become a target. I get hate calls, texts and online comments daily.
South Korean society obsesses over celebrity divorces, with speculation about who is the “guilty party”. There is a similar obsession with why celebrities kill themselves. Some of the responsibility has to lie with reporters who think only of how many clicks their articles will attract, even if it means spewing out falsehoods and speculation.
There is no easy solution. Most entertainment reporters have to put up with job instability and low pay. In some ways it’s no wonder some take such delight in reporting the demise of highly paid celebrities. South Korea’s entertainment industry itself has to bear a lot of the responsibility. It treats celebrities as commodities from whom a few powerful agencies can squeeze as much income in as short a time as possible. Many celebrities are spotted as children and are not taught valuable life skills, only how to sing and dance. The situation is worse for female celebrities, with the public more interested in every salacious detail of their lives.
We also have to understand why people feel moved to post vicious comments online. Our freedom of speech and privacy laws that allow commenters to remain anonymous need updating. At the moment in South Korea, someone who urges another social media user to die is fined an average of just $2,000 for their first offence.
She was not the first celebrity to ask me to do this. I have given them the same answer every time: Spring doesn’t come to us from afar, but, even now, it is coming from beneath our feet. We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.
I saw that there's money remaining in the system.
The person before me must have not realised that there's balance in their purchase.
The amount was enough for me to select this chocolate to be pushed out to the slot.
Yippee! Free chocolate!
Just the right reward for my efforts to have exercised this morning.
My mood was so motivated that I was prompted to shop for a pair of running shoes.
I have avoided being in large crowds for months.
I surprised myself by purchasing a pair in the busiest mall in the city.
The last time I bought a pair was in 2013.
I was fortunate to be assisted by a helpful Sports-Wear staff who recommended this.
Gratitude: Housemate made baked macaroni.
Yum ! Free food again!
Saturday, June 20, 2020
"I'd rather be fat eating food than taking medication," he continued to laugh.
Covid 19 has affected many. This poor Ice-cream seller depends on sales outside school after dismissal time. With all schools shut down, life is hard on him.
(Thursday )-I decided to go down to buy some to support him. He charged me more than the usual market rate, but I guess I shouldn't mind it.
I was quite surprised that he's actually a foreigner, from Bangladesh maybe.
I've always admired these courageous foreign workers who risked so much to come to an unfamiliar land to make a living.
(Friday). I felt my day had improved since I ate his ice-creams yesterday, I decided to buy from him again today
Today - my day did improve. I actually woke up early today and exercised. Even made my favourite
local delicacy - lepat pisang.