Tuesday, June 23, 2020

There was a group of little children playing hide and seek in the playground of the apartment.
A little toddler caught my eye.
She doesn't know what's going on but she's happy that her siblings were so excited and that she's also part of the game.
The way the toddler looked at her older sister was priceless.
An unfathomable but trusting joy...

I learnt that Raym is leaving the company.
"I've been made redundant," he so honestly put it.
I felt so bad for him.
He is the type of man who'd tell you how blessed he was to be given a lift home,
 instead of how someone had knocked his car by accident, causing him terrible inconvenience though no fault of his own.
He's the type who always focus on positive because he genuinely believes that he'd feel closer to God this way.
A faithful heart is a grateful heart.

"Everything happens for a reason, perhaps this period will enable me to spend more time with my ageing parents," he said.

Sunday, June 21, 2020

We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.

Kim Dae-o, https://www.theguardian.com/
Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.15 GMTLast modified on Sat 4 Jan 2020 00.57 GMT

I have reported on 30 Korean celebrity suicides. The blame game never changes
I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a K-drama actor or K-pop celebrity.

On a hot August day in 2008, I was invited to appear on a TV entertainment programme hosted by actor Ahn Jae-hwan. I noticed Ahn was behaving oddly, walking nervously around the studio whenever he was off camera. He was running a business on the side, and it wasn’t doing well. He was inundated with complaints and had become the target of an online boycott and malicious comments.

I was very worried and mentioned my concern to an actress who was an old friend. “I am worried he might choose to end it all,” I told her. My actor friend said she knew his problems and that his friends and colleagues were trying to help him. Later that month Ahn took his own life.

On the day they found him, the actor and I went to the hospital where his body had been taken. She was in such a state of shock that she was unable to walk properly. The waiting photographers caught all of this. The photos ran with the caption: “Actress in shock at not being able to get the money back from dead actor.” She and other people in the industry had loaned Ahn money but the media portrayed them as loan sharks. People were looking for someone to blame for Ahn’s death, and she was the easiest target.

That actor was Choi Jin-sil, then one of the most in-demand women in the industry. Forty days after Ahn killed himself, Choi took her own life. I and a few other people had been out drinking with her just four hours before she died. I had heard her last words: “As the victim of internet hate I don’t think abusive comments should be allowed,” she had said. “I want to campaign to stop them, retire from entertainment and do charity work, like Audrey Hepburn. I’m tired of it all.”

I found out about her death at 5am the next day from her younger brother, Choi Jin-young, an actor and singer.

When I arrived at Choi’s funeral, her younger brother started hitting me, crying: “You promised to protect my sister! Why couldn’t you?” Two years later, in March 2010, he too killed himself. Three years later, in January 2013, Choi Jin-sil’s ex-husband and the father of their two children, the former baseball player Cho Seong-min, also took his own life. He had become the target of online abuse in the wake of Choi Jin-sil’s death.

Six years later, little has changed, and there has been another spike in high-profile suicides. Sulli was found dead in October, Goo Hara in November and Cha In Ha in December.

Whatever change there has been has made matters worse. I dread getting calls in the middle of the night in case it is to tell me about another suicide by a South Korean celebrity.

Suicide is not confined to South Korea’s entertainment industry, of course. I have reported on the scene for the past 30 years, covering 30 suicides, and I can say with absolute certainty that this is a problem for everyone in South Korean society. The statistics speak for themselves. More South Koreans kill themselves than people in other OECD countries. The figures for 2019 have yet to be published, but everyone predicts South Korea will come top yet again.

I can’t explain why so many South Korean entertainers have taken their own lives. We can’t pretend to know each motivation, whether it be money problems, relationships, family issues, declining popularity, online abuse, or any number of other factors. Attempting to explain each death would just encourage the trolls.The Korean Association of Journalists’ guidelines advise reporters not to reveal the methods people use to take their own lives, or to mention the location and motive.


When Sulli was being criticised for posting “controversial” photos on social media, I said during a TV appearance that she was seeking the public’s understanding and affection, and that her critics should take the time to try to understand her.

I too have become a target. I get hate calls, texts and online comments daily.

South Korean society obsesses over celebrity divorces, with speculation about who is the “guilty party”. There is a similar obsession with why celebrities kill themselves. Some of the responsibility has to lie with reporters who think only of how many clicks their articles will attract, even if it means spewing out falsehoods and speculation.

There is no easy solution. Most entertainment reporters have to put up with job instability and low pay. In some ways it’s no wonder some take such delight in reporting the demise of highly paid celebrities. South Korea’s entertainment industry itself has to bear a lot of the responsibility. It treats celebrities as commodities from whom a few powerful agencies can squeeze as much income in as short a time as possible. Many celebrities are spotted as children and are not taught valuable life skills, only how to sing and dance. The situation is worse for female celebrities, with the public more interested in every salacious detail of their lives.

We also have to understand why people feel moved to post vicious comments online. Our freedom of speech and privacy laws that allow commenters to remain anonymous need updating. At the moment in South Korea, someone who urges another social media user to die is fined an average of just $2,000 for their first offence.

Kim Jeong-hwan, known as Yohan in the Korean pop group TST, has died aged 28.
A well-known celebrity once approached me, offering to give me her “last interview”. She told me she had tried to kill herself several times. We ended up talking for three days. I told her I would conduct her last interview, but that it would not be for a very long time.

She was not the first celebrity to ask me to do this. I have given them the same answer every time: Spring doesn’t come to us from afar, but, even now, it is coming from beneath our feet. We were born without a reason, and we should keep on living without a reason.
 There's a vending machine in my residential area.
I saw that there's money remaining in the system.
The person before me must have not realised that there's balance in their purchase.
The amount was enough for me to select this chocolate to be pushed out to the slot.
Yippee! Free chocolate!
Just the right reward for my efforts to have exercised this morning.

My mood was so motivated that I was prompted to shop for a pair of running shoes.
I have avoided being in large crowds for months.
I surprised myself by purchasing a pair in the busiest mall in the city.
The last time I bought a pair was in 2013.
I was fortunate to be assisted by a helpful Sports-Wear staff who recommended this.

Gratitude: Housemate made baked macaroni.
Yum ! Free food again!
Wow... I'm editing my blog till 9pm *glancing at the clock.
I shudder to think of my condition just 7 days ago, where I had just hurt myself.
I was lying comatose in bed.
***shudder

Saturday, June 20, 2020

Quote from the program, "Delicious food heals the soul from emotional problems," the local social influencer Pa Tue said.
"I'd rather be fat eating food than taking medication," he continued to laugh.
Korean movie - Fashion King.
This fashion guru taught the protagonist -

"Swagger is the only defence the poor has against the rich"


Covid 19 has affected many. This poor Ice-cream seller depends on sales outside school after dismissal time. With all schools shut down, life is hard on him.
(Thursday )-I decided to go down to buy some to support him. He charged me more than the usual market rate, but I guess I shouldn't mind it.
I was quite surprised that he's actually a foreigner, from Bangladesh maybe.
I've always admired these courageous foreign workers who risked so much to come to an unfamiliar land to make a living.
(Friday). I felt my day had improved since I ate his ice-creams yesterday, I decided to buy from him again today
Today - my day did improve. I actually woke up early today and exercised. Even made my favourite
local delicacy - lepat pisang.

Wednesday, June 17, 2020

I hurt myself last Sunday.
I'm not sure what was the trigger.
Was it because of the new drug I had taken two days ago?
When I was trying to open my eyes, when my vision was still blurred, I thought I was in another place.
I thought I had succeeded.
I was relieved.
Then, reality dawned.

This new medicine that I'm taking causes me to dream every night.
The most delightful dream was when I became another person. A high-school student, and a pair of friends were teaching me how to skip school.
They taught me how to jump over the school fence and away from the ferocious dog.
 Oddly, I told them that I'm in a hurry to go home.

Tuesday, June 16, 2020

 Beast Clawing in Straws - wish I knew what this title means. This story reminded me of the Hong Kong's 2011 movie - Life without Principle. How in the end, the money went to the most honest and diligent characters.
 The mother consoled the son, as their home was burning down. "Don't cry. During the Korean War, the entire country looked like this. As long as we are alive, there's always hope."

Taxi Driver had a terrible poster artist, unmatching the volume of the movie.


Thursday, June 11, 2020

 
I'm most impressed with small, side character like this actor Soo-Jang Baek plays. Seemingly insignificant, but it's the pivotal spark that changes the course of story. He appeared in Queen of Crime(above)too.
"Even the smallest person can change the course of the future" J.R.R. Tolkien.

 Juror 8
A very moving movie about how everyday people can influence one another, regardless of status and background.
The Priest.
Secret Reunion

Sunday, May 31, 2020

Have been really depressed for days.
Stayed on the bed till 3pm, getting up only for water and toilet.
Wishing for death.
I reread my blog posts.
I've been fighting this for so long.
I haven't earned my points for the finishing line yet?

Wednesday, May 20, 2020

As I was walking towards the communal trash site, I noticed a man in his fifties walking away uncomfortably.
He walked towards his car.
An elderly Toyota.
It would still look reasonable had he taken care of its exterior.
The car was packed with folded carton boxes.

I threw my rubbish and turned around.
As I walked away, I noticed the same man walking back towards to site.
I realised he was avoiding me.

Sir, you don't have to be embarrassed.
You possess dignified courage to do what you do.
I'm sorry if the society had treated you to feel otherwise.

Monday, May 04, 2020

They distorted my reality.
The very people who were supposed to help interpret the world to me.
To protect me.
To love me.

They distorted my logic.
That's why I could never make an outsider understand the things they did to me.
It is illogical.
It's easier to understand that the fault is with me.
They made up lies so convincing that even I couldn't believe my own truth.

They distorted my truth.
It was a Youtube explanation of the toxicity narcissistic personality that had finally set me free.
I was the victim of such evil.
It felt like I finally have a witness in court to testify on my side.
That I wasn't crazy.
That Crazy was put unto me.

A Youtuber's explanation has set me free.

But I'm very wounded.
The wounds are deep.
Never mind the scars.
The dark memories creep up to me so easily that I have to switch on Tv Dramas every night to lullaby me to sleep.
Without the Tv Drama conversations, my mind would drift easily to the dark memories.

They distorted my reality.
They took away my logic.
After 38 years, I'm finally learning to believe my own truth.
And that it wasn't my fault.

Tuesday, April 28, 2020

I just hung up my telecommunication provider assistance helpline.
The helpline operator sounded old, a retiree who chose to return to the workforce perhaps?
Very patient.
Or subdued to the inevitable in his work?
Why I say so?
Coz there's no joy in his voice, nor any hint of agitation.
Resigned to life?
Numb?

I'm not sure if his current state is 'matured' or 'blistered'.
Oddly, I sense something worthy of envy from it.

Thursday, April 23, 2020

The sight of visitors coming into the neighbourhood compound now brings me joy beyond reason.
Especially deliveries.
Even when they're not mine.
Sigh.
MCO.
Movement Control Order.

Friday, April 17, 2020

Earlier this afternoon, I thought I'd do something nice for my father, after learning that he hasn't had his lunch. (we don't live together)
I ordered food delivery service for him.
His favourite - Bak Kut Teh.

Later, I called him again to check the order, "Was it as advertised?"
He said all is fine.
But he asked me about the relief money that the government is giving out.
Turns out, my mother had accused me of taking the "Household"s money. (they live together)

This accusation is so insane that I don't even know how to explain it here.
I'll try.
Like the rest of the world affected by CoVid, the country's government is helping its citizens by offering monetary funds.
Citizens can apply for these funds by households - meaning the main income earner is entitled to some money.

Yup, this is the money my mother is accusing me of.

Again, this accusation is so INSANE that I already feel sucked into my mother's delusional bitterness even trying to explain that it is absolutely NOT plausible for me to apply for the "household''.

I hung up the phone hours ago.
I have long known that my mother is one crazy, narcissistic woman who isn't even capable of loving her own children.
So, why am I still being affected?

I guess it stirred up all the traumatic memories of her abuse towards me all these years.
And how my father and siblings enabled her.
How they gaslighted and manipulated and made me a convenient scapegoat for all their miseries.
All that abuse that resulted in my several breakdowns.
Oh God, the amount of therapy I need to reorganise my life.

My father wasn't always good to me, but I still want to be kind to him especially now that he's vulnerable.
Just one kind thought.
I had a terrible afternoon, because of ONE kind thought.
One kind thought to have my father's favourite lunch delivered to him, knowing that nobody else in the house would bother with him.
I give food to strangers all the time, why not to my own father?

Inhale.
Exhale.
It really doesn't pay to be kind sometimes.

Screw this shit.
I'm going out to buy a VERY NICE meal for MYSELF.
I Godammn deserve it.
******* update
I called home on 21st May to remind Father of his appointment the next day.
Same shit happened again.
Mother insisted I return the money she had imagined.
Brother fed her some lies.
I told him I've had enough of this shit.
I'm done being the scapegoat.
Screw all you.

Tuesday, April 07, 2020

I have no recollection of the events below.
Even reading my own handwritten words doesn't make it any more 'real' to me.

I found these notes in deeply buried in my old magazines.

2004,  May 07   - Sitting here in the KTM station, anticipating a good time with Mel. My crazy mother hid the car keys. Mother's Day is approaching and I have no reason to celebrate at all. Yesterday she called 姨妈 Aunty and complained to her in my presence. I tried to snatch the phone but Mother hit me. I should feel comfortable hating her.
Today's first day of work in the kindergarten brought back many memories of my unhappy childhood. The confusion and constant fear. I never knew where I stood in society.

***********************

I wrote the above on route visit to my friend's hometown in Ipoh.


Monday, April 06, 2020

I was ill for about two weeks.
I suspected that it was CoVid, as the fatigue and headaches were highly unusual.
I slept through the days, getting up only to eat and bathe.
I have never experienced this before.

But the doctors didn't want to test me as I'm not in the high-risk category.
The test-kits are limited, hence I can understand their constraints.
I didn't care if I'm infected nor that I may die.
I worry more about infecting others.

Death has always been the desired last page of this long unfulfilling book of mine.
The author is exhausted.
More than exhaustion.
It's yielding.

Today, I'm feeling better.
There's an odd taste of disappointment.
Sigh.
I'm cleaning, washing, tidying...cooking...back to work preparation.
Back to my usual again.
Living again.
Moving forward again.

Sigh.
Dare I hope?