*In the consultation room with the psychiatrist. We are meeting for the first time.

"I don't feel 'anything' with this ___ medicine . Nor with ___ ."

She looked at me expressionless.
"What do you expect to 'feel' after taking the medication?"

I detected a scent of annoyance and arrogance.

I looked at her desperately.

"To feel like...

I inhaled.

 ...'not wanting to die'"

I explained to her my medication history. How some had worked and some didn't.
Luckily, she agreed to change my medication.
I'm very grateful that she was willing to try out a new prescription with me.
An unprecedented decision that has ever been made for me, since 2008.

A week has passed.
I'm feeling ... not wanting to die.