Life can be very curiously fascinating.

I saw an old acquintance at the parking lot.
We've not met for so long and I thought the coincidence is just 'WOW'.

I called out to him, but he couldn't hear me, and he walked real fast.

I felt a bit disappointed that such rare coincidental chance is lost just like that.

Then,...

As I was scrambling in the dark to find my seat in the cineplex...
Suddenly, the light from the screen brightened the view.

Behold, guess who is seated next to me?

Remember I wrote that I deleted all my ex-colleagues no?
Well, I received a birthday sms from one of them.
What a surprise!

I asked her, how did she know it's my birthday, coz I'm sure I don't go around telling people such things.
She said, "Friendster."

I checked.
I didn't put my birthdate in my Friendster.

I'm certain only ONE person in the office knows.
Why didn't that person message me?
Anyway, Happy Birthday to you too...
Sagittarius Rocks

"Can it be eaten?"
-No.

"Can it be shaken?", I shook it vigorously.
-Well, best if not.

"Is it supposed to make this sound?"
-Er, no. But I can guess why it does now...

I was really happy.
It has been a very long time since I've received a gift. What more a birthday gift.
A wrapped gift.

It was a Dvd. A movie we watched together last year.
Yeah.. I really liked it.

"ARE YOU ALRIGHT?"

I get agitated when I'm asked this.

Because, I'm not alright... and yet I couldn't hide it.

Because, I know you meant well... and yet asking me this doesn't help.

Because, I know you have noticed me not being 'alright' for a long time, and I don't want to be a 'negative' energy in your midst.

Because, I 'm not alright and I don't know how to make it alright.

Because, I 'm not alright, but I have to put up the best convincing act and say, "Yes, I'm ok."

"{{ out of 70 of you, only ONE of you could write down the relevant answers to these questions...}}"

The lecturer announced in a condescending tone to my coursemates in the hall.

That ONE was me.
It was the proudest moment of the year.
and that year was many years ago.

*************************

Today, I was reminded of that feeling.

"{so far, the only satisfactory answer was the one on Aung San Suu Kyi.}"

I thought, what? there were other people who wrote about her too?
Later, I realised that it was ME.

Awww...
Believe me, to a common person like myself - these compliments are very rare.
These are the rare moments where I do get noticed.
These are the rare moments where I can actually momentarily believe that I'm not bland, but equally capable of achievements as everyone else.

A 12-year-old girl was reported to have committed suicide for being disappointed over her UPSR results. The news even added a comment that her results wasn't bad. 4 Bs, 1C and 1D.

At first, I thought it was really silly of her.
Wondering what kind of environment she was in to think that -
Bad results = F-A-I-L-U-R-E

Suddenly, something incur to my mind.

Actually, all of us are susceptible to such mentality.
I'm sure all of us have our own
"_______" = FAILURE
equation.

You don't dress like this, you're weird.
You don't drive a nice car, you're incapable.
You've reach of age, but still no partner, there's something 'not right' about you.
You have not achieved this, you're behind everyone else.

Don't feel bad, we are all prisoners of these outward measurements.
Our worldly mind can only comprehend such measurements.
Oh... then again, we should ALL feel bad.

I was crying very badly.
I was in Standard Two.
I didn't want to go to school.
I was scared of the teachers, and I didn't have any friends.


"Why can't you be like the rest of them? See? How all of them are enjoying themselves here!", yelled my frustrated father while pointing at my classmates.

Many many years later, I still ask myself this question.

Why can't I be like the rest of "them"?
People who don't seem to even need to understand what depression is.
The normal, majority people...

The normal - majority of people whom I envy so so much

I paid Rm40 for dental consultation.
Rm40 just to tell me that I have gum infection and not cavities.
it took him less than 5 mins.

I remember that I was once paid only rm5 an hour.

"I'm going out with I"

Bro= "I thought you said she's unreliable and only contacts you when she is ultimately out of other friends to be with."

"Yeah. But I've repented from my judgmental mentality. I should really heed the advice NOT to take things too seriously."


---------------------------------------
Today.....
I = "I'll confirm with you later and ..."

Me = "That's what you always say, but you never ...."

I = "I promise, I gotta go... "

A day has passed since the due confirmation time.
But it doesn't bother me anymore...

Had a very weird dream.

I was much younger.
Was in the hostel room back in college.
Met my former roommate.

Suddenly, I had this bunch of unknown friends.
We were in an unfamiliar building.
But I felt so accepted.
SO IN the group.

I was even given a birthday cake.



I woke up and the first thought that came to mind was,
"Oh, I'm actually much older..."

So weird so weird.

Yesterday, excited that I have a day off, I had plans for household chores.
I will wash the car, toilet,clean the room, continue to work on the project...etc.

but today?
watched tv, slept... and now it's already 8pm.

Oh well...
there's always tomorrow...

Hehehe

A friend suddenly tells me that she's lesbian.

wait...
wasn't she the same person who liked Mejar (guy) just 3 months ago?

Sometimes, I really wonder if homosexuality is just a 'fashion' thingy....

I came across the background audio cd of my group's play a few weeks ago.
I was given the responsibility to hold on to it during our July company trip.
I must have 'thrown' it somewhere in my bag upon return.


As I'm listening to it again,
I really can't help but smile.
Besides wanting to remember of the obvious fun we had,
I also wanted to be reminded of my team players' hard work.
They put in so much hard work that I was confused of their objective.
I had the mentality of, "aiyo, no need lar..."
But now, I understand.
All of them had the ,"if it's worth doing, it's worth doing well" attitude.

Weeks after the July company trip, my ex-colleague loaned me her camera recorder's disc.
Although a lot of photos and videos were censored, I now regret not making a copy of it.
A copy of the winning group's play was definitely worth the trouble.
It was so nicely done that I'd never listen to the Teriyaki Boyz in the same way.

The moment I quit my job, I knew that all my acquaintances in the office will end.
I deleted all the contacts in MSN because I didn't want to see them online but not talking to me.

EMO, yes... I know.

I honestly don't know how I feel about him.
Everyone made the effort to say something to me after I left, but he didn't.

Suddenly today, out of the blue.

{z@hotmail.com says:}
{hey}

I was grinning ear to ear.

we chatted for about 10 mins only.
He asked how I'm doing and told me the great news about him going for greener pastures. Something which he told me much earlier but it was not confirmed then.

I genuinely feel happy for him.

He is one mystery in my life.
His final words?

z@hotmail.com says:
[u better keep it up]
[do better advertising]

=)

Quotes from - SO MANY BOOKS by Gabriel Zaid.

"a book not read is a project uncompleted. Having unread books on display is like writing cheques when you have no money in the bank - a way of deceiving your guests."

----------------------------------------------
"...and maybe the measure of our reading should therefore be, not the number of books we've read, but the state in which they leave us. what does it matter how cultivated and up-to-date we are , or how many thousands of books we've read? what matters is how we feel, how we see, what we do after reading; whether the street and the clouds and the existence of others mean anything to us; whether reading makes us , physically, more alive."