I tried to commit suicide today.

I took the ladder, a long pants and climbed.

Unfortunately, the mirror on the wall collapsed.

Mother and sister came running.

They offer no comforting words, but rather annoyed at the mess I've made.

The fall scratched my right calf quite badly.

The suicidal ideation is still strong.

 The anxiety and panic attacks have worsened for the past few days.

So bad, that my sister and mother say that they can't bear looking at me.

"I can't look at your face!", visibly disturbed by my prolonged worried expression.

They know I can't help it but they are too burdened to offer words of comfort.

Last Monday, we picked Father up from the hospital.

What a relief that he can walk.

What a scare!

This morning, Father asked me to turn on the 8 o'clock news.

Father has the habit of watching the 8 o'clock night news. 

"Pa, do you think it's night time or day time?", pointing the bright sunshine outside.

"Yes, but it will be dark soon, why isn't dinner ready yet? Can you go tapau?" 

I couldn't handle this in addition to my anxiety.

I cried.

 Another dream crushed.

I moved into D2-407 with such dreamy aspirations.

I had bought so many many things for my new home.

It's now even an address which I can easily recall.

But now, all is irrelevant.

It is now my ex-home.

The moment I'm at the door, I see the doormat which I had bought.

The door bell, the shoe rack, the table, chairs, fan, space divider, ladder, screen shield at the window, the clock, the rack, the air fryer, stove, slow cooker, clock, even just the rubbish bin bags mean something to me.

I bought all these things for my home, for me to be comfortable in my home.

I now no longer have my own home.

On a different note, my housemate T, all of a sudden has turned very nasty towards me.

It all changed when she took over to be the main tenant.

A person's character is best seen in times of adversity.

Makes me wonder what had I been seeing for the previous months.

An illusion at best.

My landlord handled it very maturely.

He even comforted me by saying he hoped to rent out to me again.

Such good businessman.

 I've been feeling very anxious and restless lately.

So bad, that I can sense that I'm being a threat to myself.

I went back to my parents' home.

The presence of others help dilute the darkness.

The distraction helps.

Even an unharmonious environment beats the cold dark lonely self-harming thoughts.

Today is my 5th day home.

Anxiety still lingers.

But at least the darkness isn't as horrific.

I had to explain to my boss that I'd take a pay cut in lieu of the current responsibilities.

She was understandably perturbed.

All of a sudden, I told my landlord my decision of moving back home.

I'm still very fearful of this decision.

My current worries seems to be burdening me, so much that even the dentist (I went for treatment) asked me, "Are you worried about the procedure?".

I just answered, "Yes" as to not lead to more questions.

By Natalie Khoo

In memory of my brother,

Brian Khoo Yew Jin (1992-2020) 

This photo was taken with my brother during our family trip to Boracay in 2016. We went paragliding, cliff jumping and sailing together on that trip — some of the more exhilarating things I’ve done. While we have very distinctive personalities, we shared a common thirst for adventure. And I’m grateful to have had my share of adventures alongside him on many other occasions than this. 

Shock. Numbness. Guilt. Pain. Loss. One after another, and all at once.

All these feelings, crashing in and out of me since four days ago, when I lost my one and only brother. Some of you may already know what happened, some of you have only found out bits of it. Some I’ve wanted to tell since the start, but either I didn’t have it in me to break the news or I’ve been drained out trying to be there for my parents whilst sorting out the final rites without violating the CMCO SOPs.

Now that I’ve had a bit of time to grieve and process what has happened, it still feels somewhat surreal. Yet, I believe it’s a story that needs to be told – not for the sake of my brother, for I am now assured and comforted that he’s in God’s loving hands – but for the sake of any amongst you or your circle who may be struggling. Hard.

My brother had been stressed out from work in the weeks before his passing. He was a senior analyst for a global company, for context. While the nature of the job is indeed demanding, we are convinced that there was more behind this that triggered his depression. Coupled with the COVID-19 lockdowns, which have constricted the amount of physical and social interactions that most knew him would know he adored, things escalated with his mental health suddenly- unbeknownst to my family.

My brother took his own life on Wednesday morning, 14th Oct 2020, he was 28.

As I felt those waves of emotions collide with the tears and the heartbreak, I grappled with the thought, “How do I even talk about this when people ask?” It’s not an accident, it’s not a physical condition. But here’s the thing, it IS a disease – and one that’s creeping into this generation now more than ever. I’ve always known mental health is important. But I never thought I would experience it so personally – through the death of a dear loved one.

I plead with u today, if you are battling anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts or any other mental illness, please seek professional help. Please tell someone, even if you think they’re busy or don’t care or you don’t want to burden them with your pain. It is NOT your fault. There is no shame in asking for help. If you don’t know where to start, I’m here – feel free to DM or text me.

And for the rest, please look out of your loved ones, even old friends and acquaintances. 

So goodbye for now, gor, until I see you again. Much love from your only sister. ❤️

Taken entirely from https://www.facebook.com/nataliekhoo95

I bought this set of plants as therapy.

They were really pretty when the flowers bloomed.

The web-worms attacked both of them.

I had to trim them down to this.

Hope to see them recover.

Update: Now that I've moved I have to leave them behind.

 

These Banana Leaves-Shoots just wouldn't die.

People kept chopping them off, burning the roots even.

But they kept sprouting.

Many many times.

What an amazing will to survive.

The will to live must be a universal law.

I'm amazed each time I see the new sprouts.

They just refuse to be 'defeated'.

 Dang. 

I just realised these Banana shoots are like Phoenixes. 

Rising from ashes.

"Wow, you made this? It looks like a decorative cake !", I commented, as I stared, impressed with the kids' work.

As I continued with my work minutes later, I noticed 2 young girls hovering beside me.

I turned to see this.

 When I'm Afraid - by Cheri J.Meiners

Sometimes scary things are real.

There might be fighting somewhere, or people who want to hurt other people.

I want to be strong. I want to do things I think are right, even if they seem hard.

-by Cheri J.Meiners

“I could never back down from a challenge. When I heard Add Maths was the hardest subject, that was all I focused on without realising that I neglected my other subjects. My teachers, my mother and my brother, they tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen. They said, 'It shouldn't be like this. You should work equally hard on other subjects.' 

By the time I realised they were right, I had graduated from Sirius Scholar and was pursuing my A-Levels. That was when I was faced with the darkest time in my life. My family was facing issues, my brother was struggling too and I didn't do so well for my A-Levels. I felt like everything was falling apart and fell into depression. I wanted to end it all but I was lucky to have good people in my life who constantly checked on me and tried to make me a better person. I realised that it would be unfair. I was just 18. There were so many things I could still do.

 And that was the turning point in my life. I began to recall my life as though relieving the moments from a movie reel. The words people spoke to me echoed in my head. And I realised how competitive I was, how egoistical I was. Because I was so competitive, I created a toxic environment around me.

     I remembered Teacher Ivan telling me: “You are learning the hard way.” It was the pain of realisation that made me reconsider my actions. That was when I changed. I dropped my attitude and I focused on my studies and specifically, on all my subjects equally. My life instantly changed. I did well in Monash. After completing my Bachelor of Engineering, I pursued my love for Physics in the University of College London and was awarded first-class honours. 

    Today, I’m at University of Cambridge, pursuing my PhD in Physics. 

My teachers once said, ‘Ensure your personality, your mindset, your behaviour is all in place because eventually, the results will follow.’ They were right all along. I’m happy now because I’m where I want to be right now.” ~ Matthew Teoh, Class of 2011 Alumnus, 5 Amber.

I wasn't careful last week.

I allowed myself to spiral down again.

I feel like an unrepentant addict.

My last fall was in June, less than 3 months ago.

I missed 8 days of work.

This can't do.

My job will be affected.

As usual, I was suicidal.

I came across Leslie Cheung's funeral Youtube video while browsing.

I cried when I saw so many people went to pay their respects.

Devotion by his fans and friends of the entertainment industry was obvious.

All that love, fame and fortune couldn't save him.

His last words, "I have never harmed anyone in my life, why this suffering?"

I cried.

*****************

Two days ago : My housemate tilted her head, hesitating to speak. She looked slightly scared of the words she was about to speak. Her expression worried me.

"Are you ok? Are you sick?" she asked.

" You scared me, you look like there's a ghost behind me!" I replied.

I tried to brighten up the conversation by changing the subject.

Her expression made it clearer what a mess I'm in.

And again, I got better.

It's when I begin to care about the taste in food again, when the dirt on the floor becomes unbearable, and when I laugh again.

You'll never forget your first laugh after a depression drought.

And then, the desire to write comes.

That's when I know.

Mulan was also another unexpected good movie.

When employed correctly, 4 ounces can move 1000 pounds. -Mulan

Some say the phoenix is consumed by flame and emerges again.

There is no courage without fear. -Zhou

The Farewell : A moving story about how fearful the family was of letting the Grandma know that the doctor diagnose that she has only 3 months to live. The ending was a surprise to me. 

The Grandma character whom it was based on, continued to live till this day, 6 years after the diagnosis.

I went out to buy shampoo.

In the grocery mart, I spotted a man squatting in an aisle, scrutinising a packet a flour.

Instincts tell me he's troubled.

As I browsed the shampoo aisle, I thought,

"I'm so lucky to be able to buy a shampoo at whim"

I went to a clothes-swapping event,

As I browsed at a majority of the clothes which I can't wear, I thought,

"They are so pretty," without any hint of envy but rather pure admiration for the artistic beauty in those clothes.

When I was watching NHK's Great Race. A couple who lost their only child to eating disorder, was in the race. Running the race helps them in dealing with the pain. "I can feel my daughter's presence," she said. I cried when a group of young local girls encouraged her during the race.

 I felt inspired and thought,

"It's time I start exercising. Not many how little or slow," and I did.

I watched Maru-Chan's Cafe, and felt humbled and in awe in the proprietor of the cafe.

Maru-Chan lost her daughter in a traffic accident. Now, she transfer the intensity of the hurt she's carrying into her work in making her cafe a community refuge for all ages.

Anybody can have a proper meal in her cafe in exchange for simple chores.

This exchange creates a strong sense of belonging among her patrons.

I experienced all the above positive feelings and yet,

I still would welcome death with open arms.

Passive suicidal, they call it.

 

Watched At Cafe 6 by accident.

This movie plot had an unexpected twist in the ending.

I had the inkling very early though.

The moment he stood his best friend up, 

I knew there couldn't be a happy ending.

The moment he asked his ex the question and cried but pretended to be ok with the response.

I knew he had made a resolute decision.

The moment he started recounting his regrets, I knew.

I knew.

Oh no, his decision is a tragic one.

I'm not sure how to feel about this eerily strong sense of familiarity.

There was a scene where KoMunYoung was persuaded many times to value the final moments she may have with her estranged father.
The doctor diagnosed that he hasn't got much time left, but KoMunYoung was adamant not to meet him.
In the past, I used to interpret scenes like these that the protagonist is "resentful, unforgiving, still holding on to anger, hate" and all those simplistic, compartmentalizing, mainstream emotional words.
But having gone through so much.
I understand better now.
Sometimes people don't retrace their steps, or even just to turn their head around to look back, maybe simply due to fear and nothing else.

Fear of what they may feel, 

fear of how the provoked feelings can affect them and etc...

Having survived the past, not many dare to return to turn the same dark pages of the chapter again.
It's self-preservation
It's survival instincts.

 at the end of the episode Cycle Around Japan,  

James Hobbs the cyclist host said, "...the future is full of opportunities and potential.

And the only limit to our potential is the limit of our own imagination. 

Sanjiv Daevin with his long-time musician friend Eddie Zachariah (right) on their way to an international music festival. 

 PETALING JAYA, August 6 — Eddy Zachariah had been pals with A. Sanjiv Daevin for more than half of Sanjiv’s life. Ever since Sanjiv was a fresh-faced teenager who joined the Aseana Percussion Unit (APU) in 2001. 

 That’s what made it so difficult for Zachariah when he heard the news that his “partner-in-crime” was found dead by the police on Monday, after falling from his 12th-floor condominium in Bandar Kinrara, Serdang. 

 Zachariah told Malay Mail that he was gutted when he found out what had happened and still cannot imagine that his bright-smiled friend would ever take his own life. 

 “It was a really big, terrible shock. We were very, very close and had so many good times together. We spoke a few weeks ago and everything was fine. He was normal and we were even making plans to go out one of these days,” said Zachariah. 

 “On Sunday night he was with some of his former pilot crew members, and they were shocked as well when they heard because when they parted ways he seemed fine and even said that he would catch up with them soon. 

But the next day it happened. “That’s the big question mark that’s hanging. He never showed any signs of depression or sadness. That’s the thing that is so hard to accept.”

Sanjiv, 35, used to work as a pilot for AirAsia, before being let go during the MCO, and was also an extremely skilled musician who could play seven different instruments as well as a qualified music instructor at Music Mart in Petaling Jaya.

Zachariah said that while he is devastated by Sanjiv’s passing, he is determined to remember his old friend for all of his positive traits, saying that Sanjiv was always a kind friend and intelligent musician.

“He was a real go-getter. Since he was young, whenever he puts his mind to something, he really does it,” said Zachariah.

“He spent one year in Germany and could speak fluent German by the end of it. He studied and graduated in IT and then pursued his dream of becoming a pilot. After three years at AirAsia, he became a captain, but he would still perform gigs with us.”

He added that Sanjiv was also very professional and disciplined when it came to his work.

“All his friends at AirAsia said that Sanjiv was a real pro, who lived to work. And he really cared about his job too because whenever he has an upcoming flight he’ll tell me he can’t come out for drinks. But as soon as he has some time off, he will call me out,” said Zachariah.

Zachariah also said that Sanjiv used to love spending time outdoors and would go road cycling with his friends every weekend.

Edwin Nathaniel, APU leader and also a good friend of Sanjiv’s, fondly remembers how Sanjiv took over his sister Sujatha’s place in APU all those years ago.

 

Last Tuesday my son Johan Alam came home and sat with me and his sister in the hall. Then he cried.

He had just returned from the wake of Sanjiv Daevin, 35, who had fallen to his death a day earlier.They became pals more than 10 years ago when they were course mates at Malaysian Flying Academy in Malacca.

One thing Johan said that struck me like an arrow through the heart was, “It could have been me.”

“Why didn’t Sanjiv call someone?” Johan asked. “Yes, he lost his job but life was still fine for him.”

But then we never know. We always assume that things are okay because people with personal problems or depression hardly ever reveal much to others.

When Johan and his friends left the wake after paying their respects, they agreed that it is absolutely vital for them to keep in touch regularly. They also agreed to talk to each other if any of them has problems.

Sanjiv, also a talented musician, was retrenched from his piloting job a few months ago but those close to him didn’t realise the extent of his stress.

Sanjiv had even been to our house those days. He would even car pool with Johan once a while to go back to Malacca.

They went separate ways after flying school and hardly contacted each other then on.

We need to be more alert to what our loved ones (including friends) are going through and be ready to listen and help.

Johan, while friendly with everyone, is not generous with words when describing and assessing people. But in Sanjiv, he said he has lost a wonderful friend. That says a lot about the great guy Sanjiv was.

Wind calm, cleared for take-off … until next time, buddy

– Johan Alam

It's ok to not be ok - Korean Drama

I just love these stories that are told in the movie.

1.The boy who fed on nightmares.

"All my bad memories are gone. But why can't I be happy?"

"Hurtful painful memories, memories of deep regret,

Memories of hurting others, of being hurt, 

of being abandoned,

Only those with such memories buried in their hearts

become stronger, more compassionate.

and emotionally resilient.

And only these people can feel true happiness.

Remember it all and live despite of it.

If not, you will always be the kid whose emotional soul never grows.

2.The cheerful Dog.

 During the day, while people are out and about, he is always so cheerful and vibrant! 

Come nightfall, he ends up crying and whining, wishing to run free and play in the field. 

A voice within him says: “Why not cut the leash and go enjoy?” 

At that moment, the dog realized that he doesn’t know how to escape his leash because he’s been so used to being tied to the tree, and he simply does not know what to do anymore.

3. The Masked boy, Empty-Can girl and Boxed boy search for their real faces all their life.

The Shadow witch actually hadn't stolen their faces, but their courage to find true happiness for themselves.

An old acquaintance from the ward wrote this in his blog 
走到这里，有些事是需要接受的，但是那心态并非所谓的“认命”。深层了解自己，会更坚决继续改变现状。而接受自己是坦然坚毅奋斗。....
...在时辰到的那一刻，我们都能骄傲地告诉自己——不枉此行！
Zǒu dào zhèlǐ, yǒuxiē shì shì xūyào jiēshòu de, dànshì nà xīntài bìngfēi suǒwèi de “rènmìng”. Shēncéng liǎojiě zìjǐ, huì gèng jiānjué jìxù gǎibiàn xiànzhuàng. Ér jiēshòu zìjǐ shì tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu.Zài shíchén dào dì nà yīkè, wǒmen dōu néng jiāo'ào de gàosù zìjǐ——bù wǎng cǐ xíng!

Now, in this part of the journey, we have to accept some deficiencies in our lives.
Accepting but not passively submitting to life's cruel fate.
But live with resolute vitality.

坦然坚毅奋斗tǎnrán jiānyì fèndòu, caught my attention. Especially 毅 perseverance. I am reminded of the Famous Hong Kong's geomancy expert's advice in riding out one's fate.

When my moment comes, I would be contented if the Power above says, "You did well."