For the entire week,
I was feeling really DOWN DOWN because the words of my ex-boss kept playing in my head.

Then, yesterday I suddenly recall what my ex-colleague said just before I left the office.

"You should never doubt yourself."

Am I going to be alright?
I have to be...

I joined a Christian meeting tonight.
During prayer, I closed my eyes and really concentrated.
Unknowingly, my eyes were teary.
Right after the prayer ended,
the group leader asked me a question, directing the entire group's attention to me.
I had to wipe my eyes.

So so embarrassing...

I really do feel helpless in all aspects of my life.
Everything is out of my control, even my own emotions.
And I hate it ...
I hate it that somehow, I'm responsible...
I hate it that it's my fault...
I hate it that I don't know how to remedy it...
I hate it that I have to remedy it...

I worry.
I fear.

What if DEPRESSION , which has been lurking behind me all this while...

decides to attack me now?

Had another DEJA-VU.

It's scary to think ,

that all these...

were meant to happen...

I burst into tears.

I surprised both myself and sis.

She had this startled, confused, a teeny-weeny amused expression.

"Wah, imagine if you're really under a REAL break-up"

I was giggling nervously about my silliness too.

Ouch ouch ouch....

For it to hurt this bad,

surely there is an important lesson for me to learn.

Tonight, during my mamak session with friend

- my mind was entirely on my recently made ex-job.

EVERY topic that we discussed, my mind automatically relate it to my ex-job.

yes, I'm behaving like I have just broken up.

I should have known

In retrospect,
I worked in that restaurant for 4 months.


No wonder it was the same smell.

Yes, I am no longer employed.

"You are not anywhere near Advertising."

wah lau...


It has been 7 years since I've cried this hard and this bad.

**********************

One day has passed.
All that is playing in my head is,

"nothing's broken, nothing's broken but my heart...."

the results of my personality test...

"creative, smart, focus on fantasy more than reality, attracted to sad things, fears doing the wrong thing, observer, avoidant..."
- INFJ Jung Type Descriptions

couldn't connect the dots

He first wrote down the keywords.

Then , he linked them together...

OMG OMG

Great minds think alike??

When was the last time you saw a grown-up man get teary over a woman?

He was telling me about a HongKong singer who was very dear to him.

He was an ardent fan since he was 7 years old.

He could tell me stories about
- her relationships with producers and other artists.
- her change of fashion and singing style.
- the exact year of her concerts and albums.
and of course his personal experience meeting up with her during meet-the-fans sessions.

Towards the end of his story,
his eyes was red.

I can't help but feel touched.
so so touched.

I'm sure many women out there would be too...

I was chided for being Immature.

I know I'm immature.

But to be chided by HER?

No way I'm going to follow her style of maturity...

bleh...

I had a very odd dream this morning.
I checked it on dreammoods online.
this is what it has to say ...


Sunrise

To see the sunrise in your dream, represents new beginnings, renewal of life and energy, and fulfillment of your goals and purpose. It may also denote that you are about to embark on a new adventure in your personal life.

To see a rainbow in your dream, signifies much hope, success and good fortune in the form of money, prestige, or fame. The rainbow is a bridge between your earthly, grounded self and the higher, spiritual self.

Lunch was at a place as hot as hell...

Heat gets to me.

I was feeling really blue.

Wondering if I’m ever going to feel secure.

Was thinking of going back to journalism, when suddenly a really stupid piece of real-life journalistic news reached me.

Argh… there has got to be more in life.

Descartes - dubito, ergo cogito, ergo sum.

“I doubt, therefore I think, therefore I am”

I don’t quite follow.

I can't connect the DOTS together.

There is this UNwritten theory , rhyme and reason to how this works...

But I just can't connect them...

It can't be taught... can't be given...perhaps a little direction (if u're lucky)

but it can only be

FOUND.

Mistakes happen daily.
I make my share and I don’t forgive myself easily.

You know, the NGs of the movies are usually very funny.

We would very easily be amused by the actors’/ production’s mistakes.

Why? Mainly because we know how it should have been, and more importantly, we know that they overcame all that mistakes and had produced an excellent work.

It’s a happy ending.

What about our real lives?
How many of us can actually look behind us and recap our mistakes with amusement?
If not, does that mean that we haven’t reached a happy ending of our lives?
If yes, does that mean that we have?

how to measure importance?

How do you measure the things that are most important to you?

What is the scale?

Apparently the number of years a relationship is formed isn't quite relevant, - so I've heard.

All the boyfriend-girlfriend breakups I've heard confirmed this.

Even bad marriages...

How do we measure the intangible ? the matters of the heart?

if we don't measure at all, there must be some sort of relative comparison.

How else do we know if it's important at all?