I can't believe that after all these years, after all that has happened,
I'm back in the same dark hole.
Same.
Dark.
Hole.

"A place so bad where I thought I must have completed that "quota" in life and I won't have to go through it again.
A very dark place where it was a miracle that I have survived/escaped before.
Now that I'm back in that place.... everything in me is either breaking down, giving up or self-destructing...I'm just so tired....
Just so tired of this same misery"

I tried so hard to paddle myself out of this but now find myself back at the very same place.
Only older.
I am aging and much of my youth was spent on paddling in aimless circles.

One good thing about being deep in my dark corner, my sanity is somewhat more stable.
This is when the full blast of reality hits me.
All the things that have happened.
All the things that I have said and done.
A personality that isn't really me and yet it was me.

How I cower in shame.
And this cycle will happen again.
In the still dark night, the icy reality pierces through my shivering thoughts,
" I am unwell. I will be unstable again.
I can't even depend on myself, my own mind.
I am crazy.                     C.R.A.Z.Y.
I am that person whom others stay away from ."

I.
Can't.