It's the last day of the year.
I'm trying to recall what I was doing last year.
I recall going to the gym, doing Body Combat and dancing Zumba.
I recall being invited to supper / countdown by a gym friend.
She teased me about wanting to go home early instead.

I went home and listened to this song with the sound of fireworks at the background.
What will I be doing tonight?
Anyway, I'm really proud that I have changed the geographical/environmental setting this year.

KOTA BARU: When the deadly tsunami struck Penang in 2004, survivor Tan Poh Choo (pic) lost all her four children.

“It is something that will always stay in my mind,” she said teary-eyed when recalling the incident on Boxing Day that year.

Since the disaster, Tan said she had not been able to move on and always felt depressed.

“Every day, all I could think of is my children. However, after looking at the flood victims in Kelantan, I am inspired to help them,” she told The Star after distributing aid at SMK Kubang Kerian 2 here yesterday.

She said the memory of her children was her main inspiration, adding that her humanitarian activities had turned her life around.

“It has helped me move on and I keep myself busy by helping others. I hope that the lives of the flood victims will return to normal,” she said.

Tan was among the hundreds of volunteers under the Buddhist Tzu-Chi Foundation who distributed humanitarian assistance at several relief centres across Kelantan.

Finally !

I have fulfilled my dream of eating English scones in Cameron Highlands !

Heartbreaking: Man embraces wife's body for 2 hours after she collapses on street and dies

"Don't bury your writing talent."

I was rereading some of my old posts.
I have forgotten most of them.
Good thing I have this blog.

Dang... some are really good.

There are jokes going around the office about a male colleague - S and myself.

I must say, it IS funny.

They try not to make those jokes in my presence, as they sensed my shyness, but well, the workplace is small.

S is seemingly nice.

But I keep reminding myself of what happened the last time.

I need to.

There's something wrong.
In my last meeting with my counselor, I kept repeating that there's something wrong with me, that I'm different , that I'm abnormal.
This thought is weighing my self-esteem down and is self-sabotaging.
He tried very hard to convince me otherwise, but I couldn't follow his trail.
Hence, he gave me an exercise to do - something to convince myself that I'm OK.
I'm halfway into it, and still I don't feel I'm normal.
But I have a feeling, he can help me through this. We might meet in the middle.
I'm lucky that this counselor is helping me the way the previous one did.

After my lymphatic massage, there are bruises on my body. really scary blue black. (the bruises will disappear very fast)
They remind me of my self-harming days years back.
The scarier part, it's a comforting sight.

There is something very wrong with me.
I'll be sure to bring this up in my next session with the counselor.

Incident one.
A few weeks ago, I went for a traditional lymphatic massage.
In case you are not familiar with this, I can sum it in two words.
IT HURTS!
This massage is NOT designed for relaxation but rather to 'unclog' the blockages in the body.
Apparently, I had many 'blockages'.
I left the place in blue black - which is common.
Later, I heard from a mutual friend that the masseuse commented I had very high tolerance for pain.
Quite impressive for a first timer.

Incident two.
My report confirmed that I have H. Plyori in my stomach.
The treatment requires heavy dosage of antibiotics and some funny nauseating medicine.
After a week, I went back to the clinic.
The nurse and doctor complimented me.
"Wow. Most people can't stand this."
*But after the 9th day I really can't take it so I'm now self-medicating instead of following the prescription.

Point of my stories?

I have proven tracks of my high pain threshold.
So for those who still believes that depression only affects the weak .... shut up .

Every morning I will bump into my neighbour who picks up his father for his daily visits to the government clinic.
I would hear,  "Pa!Open the door! " followed by the sound a squealing wheelchair.

 I would make every effort to make eye contact and try to be neighbourly friendly.
Unfortunately, this was awkwardly one-sided.
I guess, in urban places, it's common that people would rather keep to themselves.
Still, I wouldn't give up.
I will still greet them with a smile despite the cold awkwardness.

Today, he smiled back.
And he asked me if I'm going to school, or work.

Jing ! Jing ! Jing !

I'm bloated with pride !

I had an episode yesterday.
Bad.
Really bad.
Took the pills to calm down as usual.

Today, as I was walking home after alighting from the bus, I saw a man (I presume homeless) sitting at the side of the road eating a packet of rice.
He was very hungry indeed, wolfing down as fast as he could chew.
He took breaks to sip his milk-tea from a makeshift cup, a broken can of tin.

I felt very ashamed.
The man was cherishing the moment, eating his meal with such gratitude and joy,

This Bible phrase came to mind,

25"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? 26"Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?

Dr. Elizabeth Hoge, a psychiatrist at the Center for Anxiety and Traumatic Stress Disorders at Massachusetts General Hospital and an assistant professor of psychiatry at Harvard Medical School, says that meditation makes perfect sense for treating anxiety.

“People with anxiety have a problem dealing with distracting thoughts that have too much power. They can’t distinguish between a problem-solving thought and a nagging worry that has no benefit. Meditation teaches you to recognize, ‘Oh, there’s that thought again. I’ve been here before. But it’s just that—a thought, and not a part of my core self.’”

Taken from www.elephantjournal.com

“I said to my soul, be still and wait without hope, for hope would be hope for the wrong thing;
 wait without love, for love would be love of the wrong thing;
 there is yet faith, but the faith and the love are all in the waiting.
Wait without thought, for you are not ready for thought:
So the darkness shall be the light, and the stillness the dancing.”

~ T.S. Eliot

Due to last night's event, I read this news like a dark comedy.

I don't mean to sound insensitive.
It is tragic.
But I empathize with eerie proximity.

Truman Capote: "It's as if Perry and I grew up in the same house. And one day he stood up and went out the back door, while I went out the front."

Met up with mother and sister.
Damn.
I knew it would be stressful but hadn't braced myself for such shitty outcome.
I came home crying.
Had to take a pill to chill, LITERALLY.

Woke up this morning with bloated eyes, a heavy heart and a cold soul.

I was early for work so I decided to stroll at the corner to see the old breakfast-delicacy-bakery run by a group of old people.
Honestly, their products don't suit my taste, and their are somewhat overpriced too.
But I always enjoy seeing them at work.
They are really old, but they have the enthusiasm of  5-year-olds.
They may move slowly, but their faces lit up immediately each time they interact with their customers, even when no purchases were made.
The presence of positive energy is unmistakable.

I bought this.

Heroes are the ones who go out of their way to do what is right.
Inconvenient, difficult, self-sacrificing and most of the time, trouble-seeking actions and choices are what differentiates them from the rest.
Why do they still do it?
They respect and obey their own conscience, that’s why.
To the man who spoke out in the public bus today.
I salute you.
You made a difference.

"Valuable? I'm expendable ! When one is about my age and has no where to go, I have accept whatever circumstances that may take place in my employment," said the veteran staff with a mixture of regret and bitterness.

"But sir, we are in the business of preserving history. The older, the greater the value."

I wish I had said the above.
Instead, I merely gave a sympathetic smile because I wasn't ready to farther this conversation, or what that may follow.

I was absent for work for 4 days consecutively.
The doctor gave me MC because my stomach was causing problems.
Perhaps he suspected it's stress induced, hence the generous flow of MCs.
His surname is actually Tim.
It's my first time addressing a Chinese doctor, Dr Tim.
What a cool name.
He was very empathetic, and eager in his profession.
The constant stream of patients in his clinic proved my opinion was shared by many.

For me, uneasiness in the physical goes hand in hand with my emotional state.
It was quite bad.
My new friend (my sis told her my mental state) actually advised me to take the antidepressants again.
She can't seem to comprehend my struggle with the side-effects.

Today is my first day back at work.
Everyone is so cheerful.
I always look somewhat lost when they are laughing.
I always wonder,
"How is it that they can take life so much better than me? Surely they have their troubles too. Where are their monsters?"