Today, a perfect stranger gave me encouragement.
Oddly, although she's highly educated, I can't make her to understand the seriousness of my state of mind.
She kept repeating that I 'simply lack of confidence'.
How I wish...

But it was nice to chat with her during that brief few minutes.

Lately, I've been cutting out obituaries/deaths/suicide reports and pasting them in my scrapbook.


Yeah, I'm so weird.

Forgive me.
Though I know not my fault.
And yet I know I bear the blame.
For the shame I carry.

Spare me.
From the cruel mortal judgments.
That only few can triumph them.
Please sense the kindness I still humbly carry.

Release me.
From the cruelty mankind is destined to bear.
For I'm not the few who will soar.
But those who will hide in despair.

I didn't know I had the pride which it's such a liability to carry.

You know the part of the movie where the main character finally realises that it's all in his/her mind?
That it's not real.

IT's ALL fake....

I don't remember any happy ending from there..

Blogs are my essential companions when I'm alone.
They have the ability to play with my various emotions.
At the moment, I just saw a stranger's blog which have made me feel like crap.

Feeling so... useless...
Like, the only thing to do is to curl up and cry...

Psst!
My sis gestured me to take a look.
She was on a chair sneaking a glimpse through brother's room.
Brother keeps his room strictly sanctified to himself.
No one is allowed to even look.
It's an uncomfortable practice that the family has to put up with since his teens.

As I approached her, I knew it can't be good.
I climbed next to her.
I had expected the worst and yet I couldn't help my heart from sinking.
I saw this similar sight 4 years ago when I visited him, back in those days when he rented a room outside home.
But this time, *head shaking* I really can't find new words to describe.
-weird- worrying- disturbing-

He was a very different person when he was in his teens.
How could this happen?
How could I not blame my parents?
How could it not be their fault?
My bro, sis... me...
How could they...?

Thank you.
I can't believe you're reading this.
No false humility but it's really quite flattering to know that there are people who would read such self-absorbed blog.
So...
er...thanks.

I went to McD this afternoon.
It was freaking hot! Therefore, any air-conditioned place is haven.
I sat there and wrote 4 letters to penpals I found on the penpal-international website.
I wrote, paused, stared.
So, it took me more than 2 hours to complete.

I hardly leave home these days.
But I'm slowly pulling up my socks.
I must continue.

** I was interrupted by news that a family's friend's 24-year-old daughter is having some psychiatric problems, believed to be triggered by a failed BGR. Honestly, I don't know what to feel....

I heard my brother grinding his teeth in his sleep.
When awake,I recognised the pursed lips and faraway stare on my sibling's face.

I feel it too.
I can identify but not make sense of it.
I see him seeking for TRUTH too, at various corners.
I think the attempt alone is part of the truth.
Perhaps he is closer than he thinks.

Perhaps I too...

I made a mistake.
And I was generously forgiven.
May I never forget this.
I really need to recover, improve...
step up...


Meow... like always, you're right.

I bought this plant with high hopes and aspirations.
Water it, fertilize it, even talked to it.
I even named it 'Elizabeth'.

But it died.
The branches just fell.
I scrutinized the branches.
It had worms.

My Elizabeth...
*sniff...
What did I do wrong? or didn't do enough?

I've always been the odd one.
The strange, weird one.

...yup, I'm that one....

On two isolated occasions,I received very constructive criticism from two very qualified(they were there thick and thin) old friends.
Out of genuine concern, they took time to make the points clear to me.
I've been digesting them since then.

Thank you friends.
I pray that your efforts will not go in vain.

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8:

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die;
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal;
a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
a time to rend, and a time to sew;
A time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
a time to love, and a time to hate;
A time of war and a time of peace.

I was feeling really lousy today.
Asking myself really self-pity questions like,

“What am I doing here?”
“Am I really made for this?”
“Maybe I will be more productive doing something else?”
I let my imagination take its wildest course and I saw myself doing administrative work.
‘Well, at least I have scheduled working hours’
I even saw myself positioned in a bookstore.
‘Well, I will definitely benefit the customers there.’

I was looking at the same page of work for hours.
I even took time off to chat via msn.
“maybe you have a writer’s block,” she consoled.

I typed the last word and click print.
I couldn’t even bear rereading it again.
Passed it to boss.

Minutes later, I heard his shouting.
“Oh uh. Time to pay my dues,” I thought.

“This is what I call creative writing!”

I’m smiling.
Maybe this is…

This is from PostSecret.

"I wish that the happiness of others will always be enough to outweigh the miseries of my own life."


such a kind message from a person who have lived a cruel life.

Matthew 6:27-"See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. - Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.-If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?-For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. -But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.-Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

It's not sympathy nor understanding nor support nor approval I'm after.
Or maybe it's simply because I haven't got anyone to offer some to me.

I'm worried.
=(

I just sat up and stared.
Minutes passed.
I dragged myself out of bed.

I'm lost.
I don't know where I'm heading.
I don't know what I want.
I don't know what's my issue.

..........I don't know.
I simply don't know.

My colleague accidentally opened one of my personal files in my thumbdrive.

A visit from the past.

"God, please close it."
He was also surprised at my reaction.

Apparently the wound hasn't heal.

I kept yelling at him to let the string roll each time there is wind, or not all his effort in running will go in vain.

But did he listen?
No...
He just ran and ran. But he enjoyed running so much.
He didn't seem to mind that his kite didn't reach higher.
I think he's happy just the way it is.

His running didn't go in vain.

I took this photo in a SPCA charity fair.
Pets were put up for adoption.
Most of them responded well to the strangers.
But this...
perhaps he was just too tired?fed up?
........................of hoping?

He resonated me with a great sense of familiarity.
That's why I took this photo.

"Yeah, sure. It's in my bag."

I could hear my brother searching, as I closed my eyes hoping to fall asleep ASAP.
The sound of him scrambling in the bag keep on and I had to interrupt my own sleep to check on him.


He was searching my sister's bag.
"Ko, that's jie's bag. Mine is on MY chair."

I can't believe my own brother can't distinguish my working bag from my sis's.
The bags which we faithfully carry to and from work EVERYDAY.
Mine is rectangularly BLACK.
Hers is squarish light green.


MEN.

He leaned on my shoulder.
I was pleasantly surprised by this comfortable public display of affection.
Then, he began to rub his head on my shoulder, as if I don't already notice his affection.
He got bolder and squeezed his hand on mine, then stroking my arm.

I was a bit nervous.
I never saw this coming.
We were never this 'close'.

After awhile, he hugged me.
I was taken aback, but I didn't push him away.
He got EVEN bolder and began to caress my breast.
I quickly slapped his hand.
"Woi!"
I clicked my tongue out loud to make sure he gets the message that that action is forbidden.
He looked at me confusedly.
And he ran to his mummy.
Mummy embarrassingly carried him.

Sigh...
He's barely 2 years old.
Too curious Too Soon.

My friend canceled on me, so I’m left there all by myself. I’m the type (dying breed) who honors appointment and make the effort to be early, so that I don risk being late.
That’s how I was left all alone in Ss2 at 11.15a.m

Worst part? They stop serving breakfast meals at 11a.m SHARP.

So, there I was sitting at the first floor, chomping down fries and McChicken, looking out the window…

Staring at the people who are walking alone, walking with family, walking with friends… cars driving by, cars getting into parking, getting out of parking…

....My thoughts just strayed...

Then, I looked at the time.

1 hour had passed.

My unbitten parts of McChicken was cold.

Threw every food on the table in my mouth and washed my hands before I headed for exit.

–If only I could do the same with the things that went through my head

Was seated on the opposite side of the building, waiting for the rain to miraculously stop.
Noticed the man on the left waiting for the bus alone, seemingly oblivious to the danger being under the tree.
The lady on right joined his quest minutes later.

Poetic took this...

WHAT? He is a graphic designer?

Hell... NO.....
Damn.

What a shame, coz I thought he's nice.

Was in ktm, (those who take ktm in KlangValley would know it's a nightmare).

Pushed to the side, once again to the advantage of the male commuters (I admit, some of whom are UNwilling as well)

Then, I noticed two African passengers... one of whom were playing his Mp3 music on speaker and he was 'moving' along with the rhythm.
He played a couple of songs, but his favourite was obviously the one back in his homeland.
I regret to say, I don't know what genre to place that piece of song.
Although I don't understand a word, it DOES sound nice.

Plus, the oblivious, unperturbed, don't-give-a-damn-what-you-think African brother is doing a great job 'moving' 'swaying' very APPRECIATIVELY to the song....
what is there NOT to like?

...after some reflections of my life...
this quote came to mind,

"Men have constantly made my life difficult,

women had consistently made my life miserable..."

believe me,,, this looked much better from my mobile phone.

this was taken just before the storm, just before the petrol hike havoc...

I wish I have something really intellectual / deep to say ...

Nah,, just let the picture speak its thousand words for me?

Edited from http://lebigeasy.blogspot.com/2008/06/choice-or-chance.html

Choice or Chance

When you meet someone
you're attracted to, that's not a choice. That's chance.
When we meet the right person to love, when we're at the right
place at the right time, that's chance.

The difference is what happens afterwards. When will you take
that infatuation, that crush, that mind-blowing attraction to the
next level? That's when all sanity goes back, you sit down and
contemplate whether you want to make this into a concrete
relationship or just a fling.

If you decide to love a person, even with his or her faults,
-that's not a chance. That's choice.
When you choose to be with a person, no matter what, that's choice.
Even if you know there are many
people out there who are more attractive, smarter, and richer than your
mate, and yet, you decide to love your mate just the same,
that's choice.


"Fate brings you together, but it's still up to you to make it happen."
We may meet our soul mates by chance, but loving and staying with our soul mate is still a choice we have to make.

We came to the world not by finding someone perfect to love,

BUT to learn how to love an imperfect person perfectly.

~Author Unknown~

So many times, memories of us, I ponder
Was there ever a time we thought of each other?
Would it be the same reflection?
Or simply a composed deception?

Even for the briefest moment,
If ever you were truly mine
Was it just another common,
That will soon pass in time?
How could something so harmless,
Caused US to end so careless?

I can’t seem to let it go,
And yet I’m forced to say no.
How could I have done it better?
Foolish, as it no longer matter.
Can you believe I still stare?
Can you believe I still care?

Should ever our paths meet,
I wish to see a lady so sweet,
In your arms, laughing together,
You, being blissfully happier.

Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.

-Rick Cook, The Wizardry Compiled

"If you say yes, only we do it. If you don't want to, we don't. Simple as that. I never like to force."

- I do want, but...it's just...

"It's your first time?"

I looked down, blushed and nodded. I couldn't hide the shyness from him.

"Not now then when?"

He was getting impatient. I could understand his frustration. But I couldn't explain myself. Words escaped me.

"What do you want from me? Why are you here?"

-I just want to let you know that I'm ... still interested.

I noticed his devilish curled lips.

"Look, if you have doubts in me, you can always go to someone else. I always have someone else too."

-No,no. It's not you. It's me... I have doubt with myself...

"Then, I can't help you. Why don't you go watch a movie instead? I have other things better to do, ok?"

He raised his hands in the air as a sign of retreat from the conversation.
I could only nod like a child.
I walked away feeling really confused as to how I had upset him.

Recollecting the entire dialogue above, I smiled to myself.
It's too amusing. I must write about it.

The above dialogue was between myself and a tattooist.

You lack confidence in yourself in certain times.

You could be seriously disappointed by rash ventures.

Your sedentary habits risk ruining your health.

You tend to put the people you love on a pedestal and naturally you don't expect them ever to step down.

You might have an accident but there should be no serious consequences.

Be ver careful: you could be caught off guard by misfortune.

-- fortune telling ticket, 12/6/08

I've been really emotionally exhausted lately.
So much So much going on...
TOO MUCH.

I saw this behind the kitchen.
The dominant yellow-stripped cat was eating the black's newborn.

The black can't get her kitten back, - I could see her injuries.

I cried just looking ...

I was walking past the cineplex.
A little toddler no more than 2 years caught the sight of this poster.
He laughed.
He laughed like the 'tickle me Elmo'.
His reaction was so amusing that his older siblings had to look what caught his attention.
They too find the poster amusing, though not half as amusing as their brother's laughter.
The parents hurried over to see what the commotion was about.
They too, were tickled.

I thought, WOW.
The graphic designer of this poster deserves an award.
Wait, perhaps he is already rewarded.

Oh God, please let this be my closure. How long more?
###
Come notice me
And take my hand
So why are we
Strangers when
Our love is strong
Why carry on without me?

And everytime I try to fly
I fall without my wings
I feel so small
I guess I need you baby
And everytime I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you baby

I make believe
That you are here
It's the only way
I see clear
What have I done
You seem to move on easy

I may have made it rain
Please forgive me
My weakness caused you pain
And this song is my sorry

Ohhhh

At night I pray
That soon your face
Will fade away


After all...
After all...
## everytime,britney spears

We were at the "Single Female Only" parking spot.

S = "Feels so weird. It's as if we are disabled."

I ponder.......

I was seated with PoEticImMortal (PI). It's raining cats and dogs.
Lightning and thunder were merciless.
I got very excited at the sight of nature's fiercest greeting.
"Look Look!" Pointing at the sky and scrabbling for PI's camera.
PI shuddered.
"Why? Do you know that some photographers CHASE after storms for photos like this?"
PI explained her worry.
I took time to digest.
She had grounds to worry.
Conclusion?

--- you just never know.......

I noticed this little kid who seems to be very withdrawn and painfully shy.

I didn't like the way the other adults were treating him.

That's why I made it a point to 'warm up' to him.

Later, he walked my direction and SMILED.

W-O-W.

During break I asked, "Would you like my piece of cake?"

He looked at me cheekily and said, "No. I want a piece with cherry on top."

That was the longest answer that I've heard from him all day.

We were in the car, driving towards the new neighborhood.

Suddenly, we all saw that a new McD is opening.

Sis said, = McD kiosk has finally reached us.

All three of us went

"Y-E-A-H !!....."

simultaneously.



We are aged 27, 31, 34 respectively.

I MUST ALWAYS REMEMBER THIS.

Do you remember that Oscar-worthy scene where Olivia (abigail breslin) screamed out when she received the call informing her eligibility to contest for Miss Sunshine?





That was exactly how I felt about this.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dqYFkOyh5ao

What happened?

Rebellion happened.



ALL MINE.



- sources from TIME mag, The Star and The Sun newsppr

Seventh time - for the same reason.
First time - in front of a REAL person.
A friend.

We were worshiping our goddess.

A true conducive EMO moment.

#pics taken in poetic-immortal's room. Props are all hers#







pics by cendolic n poetic-immortal

So, have you read enough?

*snort*

Seriously, YOU actually thought I DIDN'T know?

Can you now, "take one look at the person and put him/her into a certain character category?"

20 Memos from Your Child
1. Don’t spoil me. I know that I ought not to have all that I ask for.
2. Don’t be afraid to be firm with me. It makes me feel more secure.
3. Don’t let me form bad habits. I have to rely on you to detect them early.
4. Don’t make me feel smaller than I am. It only makes me behave stupidly ‘BIG’.
5. Don’t correct me in front of people if you can help it. I’d notice more if you talk quietly with me in private.
6. Don’t make me feel my mistakes are sins. It upsets my sense of values.
7. Don’t protect me from consequences. Sometimes, I need to learn the painful way.
8. Don’t be too upset when I say ‘I hate you’. It’s your power to thwart me, that I hate.
9. Don’t nag. If you do, I shall have to protect myself by appearing deaf.
10. Don’t forget that I cannot explain myself as well as I should like. This is why I’m not always accurate.
11. Don’t make rash promises. Remember that I feel badly let down when they are broken.
12. Don’t tax my honesty too much. I am easily frightened into telling lies.
13. Don’t be inconsistent. That completely confuses me and makes me lose faith in you.
14. Don’t tell me my fears are silly. They are terribly real, and you can do much to reassure me if you try to understand.
15. Don’t put me off when I ask questions. If you do, I will stop asking and seek my information elsewhere.
16. Don’t ever suggest that you are perfect. It gives me too great a shock.
17. Don’t ever think it’s beneath your dignity to apologize to me. An honest apology makes me feel surprisingly warm towards you.
18. Don’t forget how quickly I am growing up. It must be very difficult to keep pace with me, but please try.
19. Don’t forget I love experimenting. I couldn’t get on without it, so please put up with it.
20. Don’t forget that I can’t thrive without lots of understanding and love, but I don’t need to tell you, do I?

--edited from Dr Teh's clinic, D'sara Utama

only GOOD guys get Frustrated with WORK

I contributed this on blog.kailoon.com on Apr27,2008

Kai Loon said something via MSN which got me thinking. He said rarely he gets encouragement on his creative / artistic work. I can understand that frustration completely. But may I just say this.

Friends,
We get frustrated because we THINK.
We get frustrated because we always want IMPROVEMENT
We get frustrated because we RECOGNIZED the need for change.
We get frustrated because we are GOOD in what we do and don’t take crap easily.
We get frustrated because we see OPPORTUNITIES and TALENTS go wasted.
We get frustrated because we CARE.

Frustrated people are all the above.
Aren’t those good qualities?
We are the good guys.
Don’t forget that.
And there are very few of us.
It’s important we stick together.
Then, we stand a chance to ‘win’.
Cheers to FRUSTRATION

I lost my first time 3 nights ago.
My new friend saw that I was upset and decided that I need some serious ‘encouraging’ uplift in my emotions.

I was taken to a place I’ve yearned to be for many years.

Heard how wonderful it is for a very long time.
I was ecstatic that it did not disappoint me.

It was only once. I couldn’t take any more than one try.
It was good enough.

I tasted my first ‘chow tau foo’- smelly tofu, a delicacy made known by HongKong’s most daring cuisine entrepreneurs.

The mere surprised sight of you,
Oh… the delirious joy.

The unexpected, merciless slit- my heart, you toy.

I really didn’t see this coming.
Can you blame me for hurting?
So many things going on in mind,
... yet I can't ask.
Is it pride? or acceptance?
How ironic that the first conversation we had, -was about people not being together because of the TIMING issue.
Even so, it’s no consolation.

There's so many times I've let you down
So many times I've played around
I'll tell you now, they don't mean a thing

Every place I go, I think of you
Every song I sing, I sing for you
When I come back I'll wear your wedding ring

So kiss me and smile for me
Tell me that you'll wait for me
Hold me like you'll never let me go

'Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane
I don't know when I'll be back again
Oh, babe, I hate to go

Now the time has come to leave you
One more time, oh, let me kiss you
And close your eyes and I'll be on my way

Dream about the days to come
When I won't have to leave alone
About the times that I won't have to say .. "Leaving On A Jet Plane"

......................... I know.

[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Another suitcase in another hall
[Eva:] So what happens now?
[Che:] Take your picture off another wall
[Eva:] Where am I going to?
[Che:] You'll get by, you always have before
[Eva:] Where am I going to?

Time and time again I've said that I don't care
That I'm immune to gloom, that I'm hard through and through
But every time it matters all my words desert me
So anyone can hurt me, and they do

................MADONNA ,Another Suitcase In Another Hall Album: SOUNDTRACK - Evita

I left the house at 6 a.m.
Was at the office early to finish up work that was assigned during the weekends (my supposed rest days).
Before I could move on to the second assignment given during the weekends, was called to a meeting which last 30 mins.
As I was about to resume my work, was called again for a 2 hour brain-storming session.
During which I had to leave once to redo a copy in accordance to the whim of the client.
Rushed out to an appointment.
Came back, hoping to catch lunch.
But before I could even make a drink, was made to redo another copy TWICE.
After my 5 o’clock lunch, had to redo another copy.
Upon done, thought it was high time I start on the morning’s unfinished assignment.
But no, came in another NEW assignment.
Deadline – immediately. (they need to know by now this word doesn’t have an effect on me anymore)
Tried to work on it but my eyes were too sleepy.
Drove home like mad, fearing that I might doze off behind the wheels.
I had to bite my finger to stay awake.
Collapsed on the bed the moment I saw it.
Slept the second my body touched the mattress.
Two hours later, here I am trying to finish what I couldn’t.


I’m not complaining.
I don’t regret my choice.
But please, tell me… what’s wrong?

I was waiting in queue to use the OPAC system in the library.
I was behind a little girl who was using one finger to type a book title of almost 6 words.
She didn’t realized that she got the location of search wrong and many other specs wrong too.
But I thought, “Let her learn first.”

Right after she clicked the button ENTER. As expected, ‘DATA ERROR’ popped on the screen.
That’s where I stepped in and explained to her.
“This isn’t google. You need to use keywords under the right category…” as I shamelessly posed smarter than her.
As I widened down the search, the little sweet girl very softly tapped my arm and gently said,
“Centipedes and Millipedes are worms not bug.”

When we teach, we all learn together.

Saturday,
Walked out of the office to catch a short break, ( more like curi tulang)
Needed to buy Yoko Yoko to relieve my shoulder stiffness.
As the whole office area is very new to me, I had no idea where to go.
Strolled around aimlessly but cheerfully.

To my delight, I did found a pharmacy.
Opposite it, was a lottery shop.
Recalling the euphoria in the office about buying a certain numbers, I couldn’t resist but just went in and punched a few numbers.

As I walked out, I thought to myself, “Gambling is quite amazing really… it always gives hope to the gambler, no matter how senseless or illogical the situation is.”

I approached the church which I had always been curious about.
There were a few obvious church go-ers at the entrance door.
“Excuse me, I couldn’t help but notice… there’s a church here.
I work nearby and thought it’d be nice if I could join some church activities here.”
Then, I went on and on about being a holy Christian and what a humble and eager Christian I am.
I wasn’t bluffing.
I merely exaggerated.
Unintentionally.
I wanted them to see that I’m not kidding about paying them a visit.

That’s when it happened.
One of the church go-ers was staring at my hand.
The one which was holding the lottery ticket.

Ask and you shall receive.
It was 8 am. Having breakfast at a public cafeteria.
My addiction for the daily news was kicking in.
I scanned around to see if there was anything available.
I caught a man carrying my favourite free local paper, The Sun.
I couldn’t resist my temptation and walked over to his table and asked,
“Excuse me, where did you get the paper?”
“Oh, not here. I got it outside.”

I couldn’t hide my disappointment.
Thanked him and left.
Ate my breakfast, feeling lost without newspaper supplement.
20 mins later, the man gave me his newspaper as he make his exit.
I couldn’t hide my child-like delight.
“Thank you very much!” looking at the seemingly unread paper.

ABCD, I have to be very brave to ask you this.
if you don't have a gf, can i go out with you?
I don't have time to play guessing games.
I like you.
............
I just want to go out with a guy for once.
I don't have time.

If you choose NOT to, i respect that. You don't have to respond.
I will get the message.
We can just pretend I didn't send out this email.
If you are open to this idea, call / sms me -----

I really do like you and you're the first guy I'm asking this.... and I don't even know if i'm doing right,, but i have no time to think anymore...

### can you believe this? I 'm still shocked

My ex- colleague (copywriter) left these quotes especially for me.

For Hun

Experience is not what happens to a man. It is what a man does with what happens to him. ~Aldous Leonard Huxley, Texts and Pretexts, 1932

No physician is really good before he has killed one or two patients. ~Hindu Proverb

Common sense is not so common. ~Voltaire

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

Whether it's the best of times or the worst of times, it's the only time we've got. ~Art Buchwald

I love being a writer. What I can't stand is the paperwork. ~Peter De Vries

Every writer I know has trouble writing. ~Joseph Heller

Every author in some way portrays himself in his works, even if it be against his will. ~Goethe

No man can climb out beyond the limitations of his own character. ~John Morley

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures. ~H. Jackson Brown, Jr., Life's Little Instruction Book

The monster paid me a visit, yet again.
It is very cunning.
No, cunning is an understatement.

It knows where to hit me where it hurts the most.

I'm alone in the office.
Cried my eyes out.

But I'm not giving up.

No way...

“I gave an old man a lift home today.”

My sister gave me a puzzled look.

Yes, we went through all the ugliness the world has taken into shape.
Yes, the ‘creative’ minds of the evil.
BUT,
I had thought that good will always prevail.
Of all people, I thought my sister would understand.

But now, even she got me thinking.
I can’t help but worry,
…………..what is left?

"Ah,I had a good night's sleep last night!"

My sister smiled.
She is relieved because I have not been sleeping 'normally' for a whole week.

"I went down to read the newspaper at midnight. But I only remember reading, 'The Sun,Wednesday....ZZZzzzz," I narratted.

My sister raised her eyebrow.

"Then, KO came down at 1.30 a.m - woke me up. I went to his room, relaxed on his floor, chatted, while listening to the 988 late night talk-show. Somewhere along the way, I must have dozed off because when KO asked me if I'd rather sleep on his bed, (he was surfing the Net), I zombie-ly said 'no' and walked zombie-ly to my room.
I glanced at the clock. It was 3a.m.
And I slept there till 8.30a.m!"

I clasp my hand,excited at the improvement of my sleeping pattern.

When I looked at my sis, I realised she wasn't exactly relieved anymore.

"That's..'normal'?"
My sister is worried.

You can take an inquisitive mind out of journalism, but you can never take journalism out of an inquisitive mind.. – (at least in my case)
I received a phone call last Thursday night at 9.30pm, inviting me for a job interview.
He didn’t offer the usual protocol-like information, and I had to tiresomely ask the questions one after another.
I told him that I was unavailable.
In response, he just mumbled something and hung up.
Yesterday, (Sunday) I received another call from this company, but with a different voice.
The conversation was smoother, but the poor chap sounded so drained and miserable.

My brother asked, “So, are you going for that funny company tomorrow? It’s quite a travel, you know. Rush hour, some more.”

“Hmm, I don’t know lar. A part of me wants to go, but the lazy bugs are biting ferociously. I’ll decide tomorrow morning,” mentally opting to make a last-minute cancel.
I didn’t feel that they deserve professional courtesy from me anyway.
So, I was at a comfortable spot.

Fate has it that I woke up feeling quite refreshed today.
“Ah, go lar. Nothing to lose,” I thought optimistically.

My nerves reached an even more comfortable level when I finally found the place.
I felt really very good about this appointment, as I was 10 minutes early,
I filled up the usual form, but was disappointed that the form was poorly made.
I thought it asked quite a lot of unnecessary mundane questions and the space provided was hilarious.
Seated on the comfortable couch, I could hear the usual Monday-Power-Meeting.
‘Wow, the boss is very fiery with expectations.’
‘Competition is tight, I expect.’
‘Well, only with competition can we improve’
- My thoughts continue trying to figure out the company.

When I was finally called in the room for interview, I saw a middle-age Chinese lady with an Indian man.
My mind kept guessing who calls the shot here..
“Sit down. Now tell me how good your command in English, Malay and Chinese is,” the man said rapidly. (Too rapid for my taste, if you ask me.)
“Aiya, she’s checking out your room!” The lady exclaimed.

I was taken aback because my concentration was diverted and I thought it was rude to address me as a third person when I’m right in front of her.

Although the interview process was bad, I felt very good about it.
It helped me deduce my concerns that have been circling my thoughts for the past week.
I had back my confidence, my asset which I thought I could never retrieve.
I wasn’t afraid, but was at ease.
I answered his questions how I thought appropriate.
It was then, that magic happened.
The tables turned.
He was following my rhythm and flow of conversation.
The interview ended quickly because I got what I wanted and simply excused myself.

As, I strolled out of the office, my mind was questioning at the possible cause of the change.

I got my conclusion when I reached KLCC.
He was doubtful of my identity, thinking that I’m a journalist who perhaps is doing an undercover.

What a day! I have so many more stories to tell.
All because I woke up on time.
=)

It has been at least 5 years since I stepped foot into that house.
However, I subconsciously expected things to be the same.
I knew grandma C isn’t there anymore, but still, I was ‘searching’ for her.
I sat down at my usual spot in the house, simply out of habit.
I looked up.

She always sat opposite me.
“Wah, so early ah? Have you eaten?” – the routine questions Asian elders always ask.
But not this time.
All that was in front of me was the view across the street, a view I had never noticed before.
As I take my leave, I even subconsciously ‘looked’ for her to bid farewell as it’s the customary Asian courtesy.

“Grandma C, I’m leaving.”
“Oh, so soon? Be careful yeah?”

Who knows, perhaps I did bid her farewell for the last time.

Isn’t it our memory system amazing?
Things which you thought you don’t remember anymore, suddenly just pops up like an online advertisement.
I was reading an article on history, when suddenly my mind retrieved an episode of my life.

“Yin Hun! Come here!”. I approached the teacher’s table.
Her voice mellowed, being aware that there were other curious students around.
“You know, when I saw this paper, I couldn’t believe it’s yours! I had to recheck the name twice.”
She paused, hoping for a response.
I had none to give but a shameful expression.
“You facing some kind of problems, is it? Boyfriend?”
I swallowed down my evoked emotions. I knew I better find an exit before I create a scene.
“I’m sorry, teacher. I’ll work harder next time,” and quickly rush to my seat and pretend that I’m unaffected the best I could.

You know what tickles me?
Till this day, people still ask me, “Boyfriend problem, is it?”
Men are just too overrated.

When you first enter an office, what are the signs do you look for which can give you some information about the company?

I look at interior design and the staff itself.

I was called for an interview and very automatically I visited the company's website.
I was very impressed and had high hopes for it.

Today, I could fall asleep just looking at the interviewer.
The air-conditioner had more of my attention than what she had to offer me.
As I turned to leave, I glanced around to see other staff.
All so sad looking.
With expressions saying,

"Go find employment somewhere else!Anywhere else is better!Save yourself!"

Sigh... there I was hoping...

I know it’s an infringement of copyright when I was copying this chapter in MPH bookstore. I think one of the staff noticed but decided that her current task of book arranging was more important.
Bless her.

Elizabeth; The Golden Age by William Nicholson and Michael First.

“The forces that shape the world are greater than all of us, your Majesty. How can I promise you that they will conspire in your favour, even though you are the Queen? But this I know. When the storm breaks, each man acts in accordance of his nature. Some are dumb with fear. Some flee. Some hide. And some spread their wings like eagles and soar on the wind.”

“You are a very wise man, Dr Dee.”

“And you, madam, are a very great lady.”

Both the boys were imitating their parents smoking.
They used a pencil as the cigarette and the mechanical lead refills as the lighter.
They are aged 9 and 6.
They even rest their feet on the coffee table.
They also flicked their pencils to an ‘ashtray’.
They puffed imaginary smoke like it’s the coolest thing ever.
A classic example why parents shouldn’t smoke.


At least not in front of their kids.

Lately, I’m very drawn to watch movies which are based on mental instability.
It’s like a channel that connects me to the world that I can relate to.
I just watched ‘Running with Scissors’.

In a whole unrelated topic, I dreamt of an old classmate.
It’s so weird because I didn’t even think of her or anything that was related to her happened before I slept.
Such an isolated dream.
The weirdest part was, my personality in the dream was the one I had back at the age when I was closest to her. I cracked the same type of lame jokes and she laughed just like she used to.
But the setting was the current time.
There is far too much to learn about psychology.

I was watching “Little Miss Sunshine”.
I laughed.
I smiled.
My brother couldn’t appreciate the movie at all.
He kept asking, “what’s so funny?”
”Why are you smiling at the tv?”
I didn’t reply.
I was too engrossed.
I couldn’t, anyway.

Just watched ‘Train Man’, the famous Japanese movie inspired by the true-story of a ‘otaku’- nerd, who got to know his girl-friend after an experience in the public commuter.
It’s odd that I enjoyed this movie much more compared to the ‘Warlords’, another movie which I rented along with ‘Train Man’.
Not that ‘Warlords’ isn’t a good movie, but I find myself in closer proximity with ‘Train Man’.
In the story, ‘Train Man’ put up his encounter with Miss Hermes on a public forum, from which many readers faithfully read and offer suggestions and support, just like how real life-friends would; if not better.

I guess the most touching part was how his story influenced his readers.
-A couple’s relationship improved

-3 guys decided to follow his example and do a make-over themselves

-A guy who hid himself in his room for months (hikikomori) decided to leave his room and took a bus, just to feel so sun.

-A lady nurse heartbreak’s was healed.

Isn’t it amazing how all of us are capable of changing the lives of others? More amazingly, we don’t realized we are doing so everyday, even in our most mundane tasks.

As I lie mindlessly,
I wonder what is there for me to be thankful for.
I began to recall some of my previous ‘emo’ writings.
I got my answer.

I’m thankful that I’m not numb.
I can still feel.
I am still hoping.

Just when I was feeling down.
Like I'm the most pathetic person ever lived.

"HELLO!"

Then, I become a whole different person and start chatting.
I need people around me, I guess

It’s always a good sign when I have the urge to write.
I faced the monster today.
It’s nothing like what I had feared it to be.
I had the power to make it disappear so easily.
Looking at it, made my eyes teary.

It has such great control over my life yet, I can’t put a finger to it.
It isn’t tangible.
I don’t understand it.
How am I going to fight it?
Sounds like a phobia.

I've been feeling really anxious lately.

Want to leave something here but have nothing really substantial to write about.

So here.

When inspiration comes,
I will write ferociously on any paper available.
Anybody who sees this will be curious.
I am always asked, “What are you writing about?”
It’s very difficult to answer.

1. My diary? – too personal.
2. Just my thoughts on something. – too emo.
3. Definitely not work. – coz there’s no money value

More curiously, WHY am I writing them down?

I really don’t know.

During the 3-day-camp by the beach in Kuantan, I befriended three really nice ‘aunties’.
I can’t help but wonder,
“Of all the women in this world, I had to have who I have as Mother.”

I know the saying, -what can’t break you, will make you stronger.
What if it DID break me?

My body is aching.
But my mind is clear.

The condition is now reversed.



***********************************
I really hate it when W deliberately speaks to me in English (although we speak Cantonese with each other) in the presence of the Chinese speaking friends.
She somehow thinks that it would impress them.
I always answer back in Cantonese and yet she never gets the hint. By the way, her English is bad!
Argh!!

Weird dream.
She was a close friend back in Form One.
Since our class separation in Form Two, our relationship was a merely "HELLO" if crossed paths at school corridor type of relationship.

But I dreamt of her last night.
We sat down and I told her what I've been up to.
She listened attentively.
When I asked her what she was doing,
her mouth opened but I coudn't understand the words.
It was English... but it didn't make sense.

When I woke up, I thought about my memories with her and recall upon an awful incident.
We were in her house for a Form One group project.
There were about 6 of us.
Suddenly, we heard a funny sound.
I was being smart-mouth and thought it would be funny to say,
"Hey, I didn't know you had a dog."
I didn't know it was her autistic younger brother who was wailing.
Although I was very sorry and embarrassed to have said such thing,
I was too stunt at the discovery to say "Sorry" to her.

It was an awful feeling.
That's why I can still vividly recall that incident.

I'M SORRY.

but it's too late now , isn't it?

Sometimes it's really hard to ignore the belief that certain things are PRE-Destined.

I was reading something when the lift stopped.
Being alone in the lift, naturally I thought it had stopped at MY floor .
Stepped out, only to my embarrassment that it isn't.
As I quickly turned around to catch the lift before the door closes,
someone called out my name.

I gave him the blurrest look ever.
How odd to see him there!
He felt the same too about seeing me.

--if I hadn't stepped out on the wrong floor...

Rereading this made me realise that the above post insinuates some kind of romantic coincidence. NO la!!
I just thought it's a funny tale to tell.

Do you remember February 1993 in England, when a young boy of 3 was taken from a Liverpool shopping centre by two 10-year-old boys?

Jamie Bulger walked away from his mother for only a second; Jon Venables took his hand and led him out of the mall with his friend Robert Thompson.
They took Jamie on a walk for over 2 and a half miles, along the way stopping every now and again to torture the poor little boy who was crying constantly for his mummy.
Finally they stopped at a railway track where they brutally kicked him, threw stones at him, rubbed paint in his eyes, pushed batteries up his anus and cut his fingers off with scissors. Other mutilations were inflicted but not reported in the press.

Remember, a 3year old cannot possibly defend themselves Against a 10 year old, let alone of 2 them
What these two boys did was so horrendous that Jamie's mother was forbidden to identify his body.
They then left his beaten small body on railway tracks so a train could run him over to hide the mess they had created. These two boys, even being boys, understood what they did was wrong, hence trying to make it look like an accident.

This week Lady Justice Butler-Sloss has awarded the two boys (now men ), anonymity for the rest of their lives when they leave custody with new identities. They will also leave custody early only serving just over half of their sentence.

They are being relocated to Australia to live out the rest of their lives.


They disgustingly and violently took Jamie's life away and in return they EACH get a new life!

Please.... . If you feel as strongly as we do, ( and if you haven't already signed this petition ) that this is a grave Miscarriage of justice.

- Hit the forward button and add your name at the end, and send it to everyone you can !

I received this via forwarded E-mail.
I didn't sign it.
I don't condone the crime, but I believe that everyone deserves a second chance.
They were only 10 years old.
We all make mistakes.
They have suffered the consequences.
Why push it further?
Let the person who hasn't sinned cast the first stone.

"Lama tak jumpa," - long time no see, said the Rojak/cendol hawker.

I gasped.

She remembers me?

I hardly stop by her stall.
At first , I thought it was just a friendly phrase to start conversations with customers, but she continued to query me about the things I did years ago.

She's not bluffing.

W-O-W

I was trying to ride the motorbike for the first time.
My sister gave me lessons about 8 years ago.
So, I know roughly how it runs.

My brother was explaining what I need to do, but I wasn’t really paying attention.

I very confidently, rode on it.
Toot, toot, toot… it went.

My brother ran after me,
“Wei! You know where the break is or not?”

Nope, I didn’t.

Anyway, it was such a liberating feeling.
Like driving the car for the first time.

/I'm now suffering the consequences of coffee.
My friend treated me to the Vietnamese dripping coffee.
I've always love the taste of coffee but I can't handle the effects.

ah... like all the other pleasures in life =P

LK is a very special friend.
We met in the hospital.
Both of us are fully aware that friends made in that ward never last.
That's why our friendship is very unique
Those stable wouldn't want to keep in touch because everyone wants that dark past to be erased from their life.
Those unstable, well... are unstable.

So, LK (whom I know is reading)... I treasure you very much.
Next round is on me.

Western.

I won't forget.

J was struggling to explain, “… it’s hard to describe her character. Erm, …she can be very generous and easy-going with issues that concern herself, but suddenly turns very sensitive and calculative when she deals with decisions concerning the entire group. "

J paused. It dawned on her.
“Oh, yeah. It’s called selfish.”

Nancy Gibbs, TIME Feb,18,2008

…It’s a holiday that has no idea of what it’s really celebrating…There’s nothing wrong, of course, with delighting in love and honoring friendship and stopping to tickle the people we love. But it’s also a good sign of psychosocial health if the day just saunters by and winks, and you feel no need to pay attention. The minute it feels like a duty, it has lost its purpose. “love sought is good,” Shakespeare observed, “but given unsought is better.”

I was approached by a 'volunteer'.
If what she said is true, I have donated Rm10 to the spastic center.

I share the common anxiety of whether 'charity' is really charity these days.

All I have is this to show.

I tried to retell the gist of the movie I watched two nights ago on tv two very-late nights ago.
Unexpectedly, my voice actually cracked to little hiccups, as I was trying very hard to hold back my emotions.
Now, I’m thinking… wah…such a touching movie – I better write about it.
The name is Days of Fire.
Japanese movie.
After watching The Apprentice, I was about to switch off the tv
But seeing some Chinese characters on the tv screen of a different channel, I was curious.
Turned out to be a great movie.
Two super big tears fell during the part where the super strong mother held her son in her arms when he died.

The last time a drama touched me for so long was The Majestic by Jim Carrey. The part where Jim Carrey continued to pretend to be the cinema owner’s son at latter’s deathbed.

Emo -ler?

My father is 65, and currently he is working as a cashier at a Chinese coffeeshop.
The job is rather simple but hours are long and the place is rather hot.
And at his age, with his diabetes and other illness, holding this job is a challenge.
Moreover, he has never held a permanent job since he was 45.
If you calculate, therefore I have no memories of a working father.

Since 1997, finance has been hard in our family.
So basically, his savings were almost dried up.
He was very sad for many years till he got this job.
I really saw a different side of him.

I asked, “What is the best part of this job?”
He answered, “It gave me a sense of purpose.”

It was very rare for three of us, me – sis – bro to be on the same table, doing the exact same thing. Twirling a traditional delicacy.
I decided to entertain everyone including myself with the story of my cousin’s wedding which neither my bro nor sis attended.

“It was a very delightful occasion.”I quoted every single antic of my uncles and aunties, adding our Hakka dialects, which was the core of the amusement.
My siblings laughed, because they could imagine the occasion very well too, knowing the main characters of my story.

“But then, hor… after the ceremony somebody said something really inappropriate. The bride took a bath and then the groom (Cousin S) asked his mother to cook noodles for the bride as she hasn’t eaten anything. I was reading a book, so I was just listening to the conversations half-heartedly. A woman said, “Wah, so fast the daughter-in-law wants to order the mother-in-law around.”I ended my story by saying that I can’t remember who said that. Or perhaps, I didn’t even recognize the voice as I wasn’t really paying attention. All I remember was thinking, “What an awful thing to say in front of all these relatives.”Later that night.
We were talking about this newly wed couple when Mother suddenly commented the incident again.
My sis and I exchanged looks. Both of us understood.
Mystery solved.

although CNY is a 15 day celebration, but each year by the 4th day, I feel that it's gone already.
It's really odd.
that BEFORE the celebration starts , I hate all the fuss about it, the songs blaring... etc...
but now that it's actually GONE,
very odd goodbye...

S looked at the mirror and smiled.
H asked, “what is it?”.
S = Oh, I just love that mirror and how my reflection looks in it.
H = Wow, it must be great to like your reflection.

This story brought back a childhood memory.
I remember that as a kid, I used to love playing with make-up. Putting on jewelries and make-up.
But now?
I wonder why things have changed so much.

How my perception of myself has changed so drastically.

It was the weirdest dream ever.
First I was with a Korean noodle hawker.
Then, she saw her daughter on the streets, presumably a hooker.
All sudden change of scene,I was with a different Thai girl.
She doesn't speak English but I understood her.

She took my hand and we ran.
I looked back, there were people being beaten.
Then, she fell ill.
I carried her, stopped a rickshaw, he promised me that he'd take her to the nearest clinic.
I paid him 120 baht.
Then, when we were there, that poor girl was captured and beaten.
I couldn't get to her, by then I realised that I shouldn't have trusted that rickshaw guy.

End.
So weird.
I didn't watch any Thai movies, etc...

ABOUT SCHMIDT appear as quite an ordinary movie at first.
He has just lost his wife and retired from his job.
Both of which he didn't appreciate very much anyway.

An hour into the movie, despite all his misadventures - Schmidt was still actiing all miserable and annoying.

Towards the ending, Schmidt still felt that his 66 years of existence has been hardly significant.
As he walked into his writing room, he was visibly a broken man.

His table was pilled with letters but one particular caught his attention.
It was a personal letter from a poor African country.
It was from the charity home which he had been sponsoring a child.
A caretaker had replied to his letters (sponsors were encourage to write to the child) and had written on the little boy's behalf.
She enclosed a picture drawn by the sponsored child.

Schmidt held the picture and cried.

Now, that feeling I can relate.

That's why I love correspondence so much.
-the old fashioned way.

My sis pulled a chair and sat next to me while I was eating dinner.
I always feel very nice and cozy in the inside whenever someone WANTS to talk to me,
And I mean like, giving 100% attention
Not over a meal, in a car, watching tv etc.
“I wanted to write a note, but after finishing the first sentence, I realized that I had left too much space on the paper, so I wrote an essay lor, but still got space so I drew a pic.”
I laughed.
“Huh? You saw my note already?”
“No. I imagined it and it’s already funny.”I ran up and took this photo on her bed.




My sister is really a very special gal.
I feel very sorry for her that she too, had suffered, for reasons that I’d like to believe I understand.

I can relate to this,

#taken from postsecret.blogspot.com

I was waiting for someone,
I didn't make an appointment, so I had to be alert and keep looking up whenever someone walks in.

Suddenly, I saw someone who resembled one of my ex-colleague very much.

The image of him came very clearly into mind.
I was grinning.

Did I realised that I was working with such a super hot - movie -star material guy?

Maybe...

I really wish I could take Stephen Chow's advice about viewing life with a more light-hearted manner.

WOW- Imagine, -to be able Laugh at the ugliest side of my life.
Now, that's a SKILL.

I agree, that it'd make me a better person.

A mUCH better person.

Definitely.

This is a very selfish blog.
Yes, because I'm typing this while my poor bro is trying to sleep.
My room is no longer MINE.
It's HIS.
Dowager's order.
Well, it's sort of fair too. Coz he will be giving more money to her.
(I don't know how much)
But honestly, I'm not bearing any ill feeling against my bro, unless you count PITY.
My poor bro is having some financial difficulty...

My friend said this recently, "I thought you are very fond of your bro."
FOND?
Fond is a very irrelevant word here in my family.
Yes, I yearn for affection from my bro ALL the time but logic has it that I should give up.
Time and again I always forget logic and do something nice for him only to be disappointed soon after.
He hasn't done anything that hurt me, nor has he done anything to assist me.
To be fair, I did nothing for him either.
That's our relationship.

We grew up in a VERY difficult situation, a very UNcommon situation.
He lost just as much as I did.
But then again, how do I weigh our loss?
It's all just so senseless...

I asked my sis,
If you were to cast the Harry Potter's Expecto Patronum spell, What happy thought would you put in your mind?

She said, "Penang, You?"

I took my time to think about this.

My sis got impatient, "wah,, usually when people ask this kind of question, they'd already have their own answer ready in mind. You take such a long time to think, The Dementors have SUCKED you several times already."

I just couldn't think of a HAPPY thought. Something really SOLIDLY GENUINELY HAPPY.
ahhh.. I got it...
It was the ferry rides.
To PENANG.

My mother hides food from me.

Crazy ler?

She has been doing it for years, and I'm immuned to it.
But two nights ago, I accidentally bumped into these things ...
I was holding a camera ... so... why not?


It's the Honey... see?



Can you see the Tiger biscuits? It's the one with white packaging. I know it's hard to see in this photo, but I didn't want to move her stuff.


Can you see the instant noodles?

Usually I keep all these crazy family things hidden inside me.
Not exactly a proper topic to chat on the dinner table with friends is it?
But now, I letting it out.
I think it's therapeutic.
After all I've been through, I'm sure it'd do me some good.
I'm sure it's at least worth experimenting.

U know what's the worst thing?
mother always forgets the foodstuff she hides.
Therefore, by the time she remembers... it would have expired.
Then,,,,she'd offer it to the family.
Eg. Like just recently.
She found a packet of raisins which had expired (1 year), no doubt she had hidden it, coz I would have eaten some of them had I saw them. -(I love raisins)

It was used as an ingredient for the cookies, which I happily ate anyway.
I love raisins... even when it is SO... dry...
See?
This is how I grew up
I always agree with this quote...

"Before they were crazy, the world was crazy to them first."

Nancy Gibbs, Times, Jan 28, 2008

"Democracy presumes that we're all created equal;
competition proves we are not, or else every race would end in a tie."

I'm looking at Banana's friendster pictures.
All I saw was, - What A FOOL I have been.

What was I thinking?
Lies we tell ourselves...

Sheesh...

My Inspiration



{Dated November 26, 2005.Young boy carries bottled water back to his family in a camp in Dhanni in Pakistan.}

I kept this photo for such a long time.
It 's obvious why...

I don't know what to do with this watch.
I almost gave it to the 9-year-old but my sister prostested like mad.
Coz she felt that brat wouldn't appreciate it ... nor does he deserve such kind gesture. Well, HE IS a SPOILED brat.

Wish I have someone to give this to.
I onced said this ...
" You know, it's always a blessing to be able to give presents to loved ones."

I need more loved ones.

I just dialed the number before the show started.
My sister said that that’s the only possible time when my phone call will be picked up.
“Hello.”
I didn’t even know if there is a call-in contest.
If there is one, I don’t’ even know the question.
Then, he asked.
“Is this the second installation of Alien Vs Predator?”
I answered correctly and he congratulated me.
He put me through live but I still have no idea what I’ve won.


It turned out to be a watch, notebook, lanyard, keychain, movie tickets..

And the best one of all, DONUTS!!

Charles Schultz Philosophy

The following is the philosophy of Charles Schultz, the creator of the
"Peanuts" comic strip. You don't have to actually answer the questions.
Just read the e-mail straight through, and you'll get the point.

1. Name the five wealthiest people in the world.

2. Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.

3. Name the last five winners of the Miss America.

4. Name ten people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer Prize.

5. Name the last half dozen Academy Award winner for best actor and actress.

6. Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.


How did you do?

The point is, none of us remember the headliners of yesterday. These are no
second-rate achievers. They are the best in their fields. But the applause
dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and
certificates are buried with their owners .


Here's another quiz. See how you do on this one:

1. List a few teachers who aided your journey through school.

2. Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.

3. Name five people who have taught you something worthwhile.

4. Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.

5. Think of five people you enjoy spending time with ..


Easier?

The lesson: The people who make a difference in your life are not the ones
with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They are the
ones that care .


"Don't worry about the world coming to an end today.


It's already tomorrow in Australia." (Charles Schultz)

There are a certain context in my life which only my sis can understand; because we were brought up in the same condition.

A few days ago, she shared a story with me.
Testimony about her stay with our aunts (mom's sis) in Penang.

"You know, they always praise me. Making me feel like the best person to do this and that... When I help out, they say I work too hard. Even the simple tasks I do , they'd make me feel like I've done an exceptionally good job."

I wasn't there to witness but I can really picture the scenario.
I was with my aunts before.
Yes, they are nothing like my mother.
I immediately thought of this...

If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.

If it was true,
Why didn't it last?

Now, that it's meant to,
Why can't I let it be my past?

I was at McD.
A little Malay boy asked the personnel at the counter how much does the fries cost.
His little words in Malay was so amusing.
I had to go, awww (in the mind lar)

Then, he asked how much does the smallest packet of fries cost.
Then, he asked if they sell it at Rm1.
(I think he's more familiar with the pricing at the night market.)
He was so disappointed.

I felt like I was in some McD advertisement.
I saw him walked away, and I was hoping that he would rejoin his family and ask for more money, but he walked away alone until I lost sight of him.

HONESTLY.
If I had my fries ready on the counter, I would have passed it to him.
I saw him walk with a heavy heart.
Both our hearts...
I totally understand the feeling of wanting to eat something real bad, but can't.

I was lying on my bed, feeling utterly confused with myself.
I feel guilty, and yet I'm still angry.
I feel I have fallen, and yet I still want to fight.
I have the little fire, but no strength.

Then, I felt something.
My stomach.
I had a lot for dinner.
It wasn't nice at all. But I'm full, well- nourished.

My thoughts went to the news reported today.
-about some African country which is currently facing some election conflicts. The politician was lurring his supporters with food. Consequently, the people fought for the packages. It was a very sad scene.

My mind flashed back to 2003 in McD at The Mall, PWTC.
I was dinning with a friend.
" I'm just so glad that I've never experienced hunger, not to the extend of understanding the actual desperation of the word."

Ah... thoughts lying on the bed...

I’m sure there are occasions where you hear about news which doesn’t make sense at all.
"How could her own mother do this?" question would come to mind.

You’d wonder what happened, how could … why didn’t… but shouldn’t there…

It’s just not possible.
It just doesn’t seem to make sense.

Well, now we learn that things don’t have to make sense in order to be REAL, right?

Many times I find it hard to explain the relationship I have with my mother.
Being brought up with Asian values, bad mouthing about your parents is ultimately condemned to the final dust.

Thus, each time I’m asked… I’m dumbfounded.
But today, I shall make use of this technological freedom of expression.

My mom led me to the deep black hole. She saw me fall. She didn’t help me up. She even kicked dust to my face when I was climbing up. She’d tell me that I deserve that fall- several times.
Yes. That is my mother.

“What for you eat? A waste of food. You’re no human nor ghost.”
“Look at you, getting fatter and fatter. You’ll be like your fat cousin in no time.”
“God will punish you. People like you will have no happy ending.”

So, now you’d understand how I could fall into depression.
And why I need to ignore my mother.
That’s the kindest respond I can think of.

# some of the most intelligent, some of the most socially distinguished of people, in normal situations, if put under the pressure of those abnormal and in fact,

subhuman conditions, are soon exposed and often destroyed. And it has nothing to do with quality of the mind, and the quickness of wit and intellect or even

intellectual discipline. It has to do with something called the 'will' which may or may not be related with one's beliefs, dedication, conviction, values.#

* from the book, Lee Kuan Yew -the man and his ideas, pg 125

She shouted from her car.
"I'm glad to have you back!"

I smiled .

But deep down, I'm quite uncomfortable with the comment.

The last time she saw me, I was quite a mess.
And during my difficult period, each time I make jokes and being witty - friends who knew me well enough always say this.
"Glad that you're back." "Good to see you're yourself again."

One huge question remains.
So, the happy ME is the real me?
the Unhappy ME isn't me?

I think... enough about ME.
*Deep inhale*
just LIVE....

I merely wanted my lower jaw to be straightened.
I 'm not hoping for some Miss Colgate 100% perfect teeth.

I can't seem to make my dentist understand that.
I'm now enduring a LOT OF PAIN!
It has been two years since putting on this braces...

regret...

R-E-G-R-E-T

I want it off!!!